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August 17, 2004 7:24 AM

The campaign website of Alan Keyes, Illinois Republican Party's nominee for the United States Senate. [via Chicagoist]
posted by azul (48 comments total)

Man, they nailed him to the wall on the Daily Show the other day. Dude's goin' down.
posted by fungible at 7:29 AM on August 17, 2004

Nice to see a black guy break into the loony politico business, since it's such a white dominated feild.
posted by jonmc at 7:29 AM on August 17, 2004

Thanks for CLICKing HERE now!
posted by azul at 7:33 AM on August 17, 2004

The phrase "live birth abortions" always looks better in bold, underlined, capitalized letters.

LIVE BIRTH ABORTIONS

See?
posted by SweetJesus at 7:37 AM on August 17, 2004

There's less than THREE MONTHS until the November election. Obviously, the single biggest obstacle facing the Keyes for Senate campaign is lack of time.

Of course it is.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 7:40 AM on August 17, 2004

P.S. There's less than THREE MONTHS until the November election. Obviously, the single biggest obstacle facing the Keyes for Senate campaign is lack of time.

Yes, time is the biggest obstacle facing Keyes. Keyes used to be a principled conservative, if admittedly one on the outer fringe; now he's a deluded partisan hack.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 7:42 AM on August 17, 2004

Damn it!
posted by monju_bosatsu at 7:42 AM on August 17, 2004

My favorite is this line:

For the latest breaking information, click here. [just click the link]
posted by plemeljr at 7:46 AM on August 17, 2004

I don't think this page is the official campaign website. In fact, I'm very suspicious about who is running the keyesforsenate.com site. The official website is keyes2004.com.
posted by marcusb at 7:49 AM on August 17, 2004

We cannot as a nation, we cannot as a people, afford to abandon the great principles that have been the foundation of our liberty and that have made our nation strong, and great, and free! And I believe that, for the sake of those principles, for the sake of their preservation, for the sake of their defense, for the sake of that allegiance and reverence without which we shall not remain a self-governing people, I am morally obligated to leave the land of my forebears in order to defend the land of my spirit and my conscience and my heart.

Hi, this site is all about candidates, REAL candidates. This site is awesome. My name is Alan and I can't stop thinking about politics.

Facts:

1. Alan Keyes is a mammal.
2. Alan Keyes fights ALL the time.
3. The purpose of Alan Keyes is to flip out and kill people.

Alan Keyes is cool, and by cool, I mean totally sweet.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 7:52 AM on August 17, 2004

I don't think this page is the official campaign website. In fact, I'm very suspicious about who is running the keyesforsenate.com site. The official website is keyes2004.com.

If that's the case, then he (more likely, his campaign manager) is a dumbass for not snapping up all potential hoax domains, as has become the norm these days.
posted by Ufez Jones at 7:55 AM on August 17, 2004

If that table-border was any fatter....(write your own punchline)
posted by dhoyt at 7:56 AM on August 17, 2004

XQUZYPHYR: ROFLMAO!!!
posted by jpoulos at 8:29 AM on August 17, 2004

In fact, I'm very suspicious about who is running the keyesforsenate.com site.

The site is owned by this guy, who claims to do a lot of work for conservative organizations.

But I wouldn't be surprised if it was a scam. I wonder what percentage of the fundraising actually makes it to the candidate.
posted by jpoulos at 8:34 AM on August 17, 2004

XQUZYPHYR wins.
posted by teferi at 8:36 AM on August 17, 2004

quote from Josh Marshall:

What I can't help but wonder is what issues get pulled into the mix when Keyes and his wife get in an argument about ... say, whose toothbrush is whose? Or when one of the kids won't take out the trash?

"You have said that you will not take out the trash, that you will take out the trash after you play Nintendo. But I tell you today that taking out the trash is no mere chore. Just as a righteous society is preserved by preserving what is good and just and tossing aside what is bad, just so with the ..."
posted by the fire you left me at 8:40 AM on August 17, 2004

Love the glamour shot.
posted by tetsuo at 8:42 AM on August 17, 2004

"The victory is for God."

I'm simultaneously laughing and crying at that every time I hear Keyes say it on the radio.

Imagine believing in a Supreme Being who cares who wins a Senate seat.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:46 AM on August 17, 2004

My name is Dr. Alan Keyes and I am looking assistance to transfer the sum of $20 MILLION DOLLARS to YOUR STATE...
posted by Krrrlson at 8:46 AM on August 17, 2004

Okay - now Krrrlson and XQUZYPHR are tied...
posted by longbaugh at 8:48 AM on August 17, 2004

Love the glamour shot.

I'm trying to find my book of old Dick Sprang Batman comics. He looks so much like Sprang's drawings of the Joker it's frightening.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 8:53 AM on August 17, 2004

Holy hypocrites, Batman! The loon-o-meter is detecting eight mega-LaRouches!
posted by skallas at 9:01 AM on August 17, 2004

Nice, polished website. Also very informative about Obama. Wonder what Keyes' platform is?
posted by ZippityBuddha at 9:18 AM on August 17, 2004

Here you go, XQUZYPHYR:

Separated at birth?
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:28 AM on August 17, 2004

The phrase "live birth abortions" always looks better in bold, underlined, capitalized letters.

"It's very important that you understand what I'm talking about. We are talking about a situation in which, in the course of an abortion procedure, a child has been born alive -- she is out of the womb, breathing and living on her own -- and Barack Obama cast a vote AGAINST the idea that that child's life should be spared. Obama's position and his vote would make it legal to condemn that innocent babe to death!"

Last week it was a hot topic on the net regarding Keys attacking Obama. Don't have the link it was in the top 40 for several days. The report read to me that Obama voted for abortion and Keys was anti-abortion. Then keys called him a “slave owner” for Obama voting that way{ircc}. So this may be why Keys is making the issue over “live births” be known.
posted by thomcatspike at 9:52 AM on August 17, 2004

Keyes wants to end election of senators.
posted by the fire you left me at 10:14 AM on August 17, 2004

I'll love him forever for wanting to end the direct election of senators.

Maybe it's just me, but if you're running for office, shouldn't you be trying to convince people that they should vote for you? Seems pretty basic.

Perhaps he's trying to subvert the system from within.
posted by Vidiot at 10:19 AM on August 17, 2004

D&X is not pretty nor common, but has saved many women's lives. Perhaps Keyes should be asking his fictional god why he designed the human body so poorly that we "sinful" humans have to resort to ugly medical procedures.

Someone should update the Keyesbot's programming, its getting pretty stale.

Hydrocephalus is real. Dead fetuses are real. Malformed fetuses are real. Keyes' and the rest of the anti-abortion crowd's theology is not.
posted by skallas at 10:29 AM on August 17, 2004

I hate Illinois Nazis.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:34 AM on August 17, 2004

Crash wins.
posted by Vidiot at 10:38 AM on August 17, 2004

Alan Keyes - giving looney Uncle Toms everywhere a bad name.

Is this all the Illinios GOP could come up with? Man, they are really hurting!
posted by nofundy at 11:05 AM on August 17, 2004

Yeah, Bill Maher nailed it a while back, saying something about how the GOP not only couldn't find WMDs in Iraq, they couldn't find a black guy in Chicago.
posted by Vidiot at 11:59 AM on August 17, 2004

Is this all the Illinios GOP could come up with? Man, they are really hurting!

Actually, their runner-up candidate, Andrea Barthwell, sounded like a good candidate to challenge Obama. She's a moderate Republican with a clear "anti-abortion" position and a favorable view of school vouchers. Apparently "well-known but crazy" won out over "unknown and sane." As a Democrat, can't say I'm complaining...
posted by junkbox at 12:35 PM on August 17, 2004

D&X isn't just the "right" choice for mothers who are in danger, but can save them the trauma of carrying a anencephalic to full term. Giving birth to a baby with no brain is just loads of fun!
posted by McBain at 1:44 PM on August 17, 2004

D&X isn't just the "right" choice for mothers who are in danger, but can save them the trauma of carrying a anencephalic to full term. Giving birth to a baby with no brain is just loads of fun!

Hey, reason is no match for LIVE BIRTH ABORTIONS.
posted by SweetJesus at 1:50 PM on August 17, 2004

Down at the bottom of Keyes website I found "For the latest breaking information, click here".

Now I'm always drooling over the latest breaking information about the Keyes/ "LIVE BIRTH ABORTIONS" campaign, so I was delighted with the following headlines that resulted from that single convenient click:

Alan Keyes Isn't Making Sense
How much do you know about carpetbaggers?
Candidate predicts win for Democrats in November
GOP Hypocrite of the Week: Alan Keyes
Pike native helps Obama's star shine
Obama Tour

Hmmmm....might want to have someone work on that, Alan.
posted by fold_and_mutilate at 1:57 PM on August 17, 2004

I don't know what is worse Keyes' distortions or his horrid website design. Perhaps they go hand-in-hand.

Oh, he's not the Republican nominee in any sense of the word because no one in Illinois ever cast a ballot for him yet.

I can say thus far very few here in Illinois are buying his radical wring agenda or hypocritical carpetbagging. At least Hillary Clinton won her party's nomination in New York by the vote of the people.
posted by Bag Man at 3:16 PM on August 17, 2004

LIVE BIRTH ABORTIONS

Yes, that's right, folks, step right up and get your very own LIVE BIRTH ABORTION for the low, low cost of $9.99 and for a limited time they come with a PLACENTA COOKBOOK free at no cost to you! It's the perfect accompaniment to a California Cheeseburger and they're hotter now than they ever were before!

You've undoubtedly heard them talked about at all the society and I'm bringing them to you, the people! See what all the talk is about first-hand and don't forget to bring the family!

Special for twins!

(how I wish I could write the way Tammananny Tiger talks.)
posted by kenko at 4:48 PM on August 17, 2004

Nonono. It's

LiVeBiRtH aBoRtIoNs
posted by five fresh fish at 4:53 PM on August 17, 2004

Is this all the Illinios GOP could come up with? Man, they are really hurting!

Duh! We are hurting....I don't think this isn't about winning though.....it's about engaging Barak in a debate. The Barak love-fest has been going on here since March, and no one is asking the man what he stands for. Everything in the news is about him being a "rock star" or a "rising star" or a "black candidate who can appeal to all races." Keyes has zero chance of winning, but everyone always says they want a debate on the issues. Well, now we have one....

As for why the Illinois Republicans are in such bad shape, there are dozens of reasons...George Ryan's scandals....Mayor Daley's monolithic Democratic support in Chicago...changing demographics...really old, bad Republican leadership...I could go on forever.
posted by Durwood at 5:58 PM on August 17, 2004

and no one is asking the man what he stands for

Well, that campaign worker that Ryan assigned to follow Obama everywhere he went with a camcorder had plenty of opportunities to ask what he stands for. He reportedly even recorded him standing for a piss in a mens room urinal. If they don't know by now what he stands for (apart from taking a piss), it pretty much follows that they're as incompetent as they are sleazy.
posted by George_Spiggott at 6:32 PM on August 17, 2004

He reportedly even recorded him standing for a piss in a mens room urinal.

I expect mor....Wait!!! These are Republicans we're talking about.
posted by Bag Man at 6:46 PM on August 17, 2004

D&X isn't just the "right" choice for mothers who are in danger, but can save them the trauma of carrying a anencephalic to full term. Giving birth to a baby with no brain is just loads of fun!

Hey, reason is no match for LIVE BIRTH ABORTIONS.

(Warning: more Troll from an unafraid IL Dem.)

Reason is no match for Republicans!
posted by Bag Man at 7:02 PM on August 17, 2004

Keyes doesn't go far enough in calling for the end of direct election of Senators. I'll support any candidate who supports the total abolition of the anti-representative institution so appropriately named after the gang who assassinated Julius Caeser.

ABOLISH THE SENATE!
Stop the electoral abuse of California citizens by Wyoming!!!

Is it time for my meds yet?
posted by wendell at 7:40 PM on August 17, 2004

Yes. Yes, wendell, it is. Come along...
posted by five fresh fish at 8:18 PM on August 17, 2004

Actually, their runner-up candidate, Andrea Barthwell, sounded like a good candidate to challenge Obama.

Except for this:

The lewd and abusive behavior finding stemmed from a Dec. 19, 2002, staff gathering. Barthwell made comments about a staff member's sexual orientation after the staff member misspoke in an earlier conversation, the memorandum said.
"Dr. Barthwell made reference to this staff member sitting on men's laps. A kaleidoscope pointed upward was placed on a chair by Dr. Barthwell as the staff member was about to sit down," it said.

"Dr. Barthwell suggested that the staff member would want to cut the cake available for the gathering because the knife was 'long and hard' and he might 'enjoy handling it.' When the cake was cut, Dr. Barthwell referred to the pieces as 'moist' or 'beefy' and she said to the staff member, 'I know you like it big and meaty.'"

Josh Marshall of Talking Points Memo observed:

Say what you will about Alan Keyes, I think we can be confident that when he starts saying unfortunate things about homosexuality he'll drive home his point with Aristotle and 'natural law' rather than kaleidoscopes.

posted by Vidiot at 9:10 PM on August 17, 2004

Well, that campaign worker that Ryan assigned to follow Obama everywhere he went with a camcorder had plenty of opportunities to ask what he stands for. He reportedly even recorded him standing for a piss in a mens room urinal.

Best pun ever.
posted by Space Coyote at 10:49 PM on August 17, 2004

FYI: Obama is killing Keyes, even among the heavily Republican "Collar Counties" of Chicago. (see the whole story for the break down)
posted by Bag Man at 4:06 PM on August 21, 2004