Calling all Hot Women of the LORD!!!

August 19, 2004 4:09 PM

Hello, my name is Tamara! As you can probably tell, I'm a Christian who loves Jesus and cares for all humans, even the wicked. What you probably don't know is that I'm hot.
posted by loquacious (68 comments total)

cockteasers for christ.
posted by quonsar at 4:10 PM on August 19, 2004

7. If he asks to come inside...
Ask him if he has asked Jesus to come inside his heart.

No way am I asking Jesus to come inside my heart. That's completely disgusting, and probably unhealthy.
posted by kenko at 4:12 PM on August 19, 2004

"Not only can we date cute guys, but hopefully we can lead them to God and save them from the burning fires of Hell. I've outlined a few tips to help you date cute heathen guys, step-by-step."

Uhm. "Cute heathen guys", indeed. Someone please tell me this is a spoof? Please? I'm practically speechless.
posted by loquacious at 4:12 PM on August 19, 2004

Flirty fishing on the web!

Technology, is there anything it can't do?
posted by Salmonberry at 4:17 PM on August 19, 2004

It's a spoof. You can tell by this, for example:

Doesn't God look down on missionary dating and tells us to not be "yoked with unbelievers"?
I looked up yoked, and the dictionary says it's a "A crossbar with two U-shaped pieces that encircle the necks of a pair of oxen or other draft animals working together." I would never encourage anybody to do this on a date...

But if it were legit, I'm not sure I would find it objectionable.

This satire bothers me because it doesn't satire bigotry, it satirizes an evangelist's earnestness. Which just isn't nice. On the other hand, their earnestness is a big and tempting target for satire. Yet, going back to the first hand, that's just not very sporting, then, is it?
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 4:18 PM on August 19, 2004

EBlight: Stating the obvious, in as many words as possible.
posted by quonsar at 4:19 PM on August 19, 2004

the best part is the logo...a woman with a cross and a guy with a upside down one...a laff riot. please lord tell me they are not serious
posted by ShawnString at 4:20 PM on August 19, 2004

EBlight: spoiling one good joke at a time.
posted by seanyboy at 4:21 PM on August 19, 2004

(on preview, quonsar & seany beat me to it)
posted by Salmonberry at 4:23 PM on August 19, 2004

Huh. I was just answering by loquacious's question. Now, would you guys go suck each other's dicks already? Sheesh.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 4:26 PM on August 19, 2004

no, that would be your pleasure.
posted by quonsar at 4:29 PM on August 19, 2004

Must not make ... snarky ... comment.
posted by seanyboy at 4:30 PM on August 19, 2004

Now, would you guys go suck each other's dicks already?

Class. Third class.
posted by stonerose at 4:32 PM on August 19, 2004

EB: I can't interpret that as a clear sign of a spoof, considering the tone of the rest of the site, and considering the forums seem to be earnest, if not nuttier than a pocketful of linty trail-mix.

That, and I've known people that were seriously that earnest about something while still being self deprecating and loopy. Hell, I am one. Not Christian, earnest and loopy!

What bothers me the most about it is the disingenuousness of it. If I found out some girl I was dating was a die-hard born again (or other fanatical) Christian after we started dating, we'd certainly have to have a serious talk. If I then found out that she was dating me only to "save my soul" and somehow "lead me to salvation" through deception, I'd be straight pissed.

Not only is it deceptive, but it doesn't seem very Christian to toy with someone's emotions like that, assumed salvation be damned.

(On preview: GET A ROOM! Oh, and take pictures.)
posted by loquacious at 4:35 PM on August 19, 2004

I'm sure no one objects to your having answered loquacious' question EB. The pointless and inconclusive handwringing about how some satire isn't nice, though ... a bit much.

Quonsar's post was more to the point than seanyboy's; no joke was spoiled but it was a pretty prolix way of going nowhere.
posted by kenko at 4:38 PM on August 19, 2004

I had a mormon missionary hit on me. He was cute and all, but I couldn't tell if he was really interested in me, or just my soul. So I blueballed him spiritually and physically.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 4:42 PM on August 19, 2004

We Filipino born-again Christians had a compound word for this: "evangeligaw" -- "evangelism" mixed with the Tagalog word ligaw, (long accent on 1st syllable) meaning courtship. (Pronounced with an abrupt accent on the 2nd syllable, however, and ligaw becomes an adjective translating to "lost." Which probably says something about the spirit of evangelism being lost in the whole "flirty fishing" idea.)

Needless to say, I'd seriously doubt the authenticity of faith of someone who converts just to date hot Christian ladies. But then this satire misses a serious contemporary issue: more and more Christian teens are "kissing dating goodbye" under the [misguided, I think] ethic that "Christian courtship" is more biblical. My usual response to that is two words: "threshing floor."
posted by brownpau at 4:43 PM on August 19, 2004

I don't know, brownpau. I sort of doubt the faith of those who date to convert.

A professor of mine, a truly ugly man from Mississippi used to go to revival meetings to pick up girls. He claims that this is how he and all his Jewish buddies used to get laid. People are seldom honest with themselves (or others) when it comes to sex.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 4:55 PM on August 19, 2004

The pointless and inconclusive handwringing about how some satire isn't nice, though ... a bit much.

It wasn't pointless. I was acknowledging that satirizing earnestness has a long history but that I'm fucking tired of MeFi being a "let's mock those wacky Christians" free-for-all. But I said it much more nicely than that.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 5:07 PM on August 19, 2004

don't talk with your mouth full!
posted by quonsar at 5:10 PM on August 19, 2004

ahahaha
posted by plexiwatt at 5:12 PM on August 19, 2004

Should you date one person until he comes to Christ, or should you date lots of people?

Jesus told us to reach the "outermost parts of the world." I mean, I'm not going to fly to Kenya and date some guy who eats worms, but I think for me, "outermost parts of the world" means all the hot guys that live around me here in Fremont, California. But, God told me not to be a polygamist, so the goal would be to dump your boyfriend before witnessing to your next one.

This is a satire. Isn't it? Please?
posted by jokeefe at 5:12 PM on August 19, 2004

quonsar! Down boy! Where's the cat! Go get the cat!
posted by loquacious at 5:26 PM on August 19, 2004

This is a satire. Isn't it? Please?

I think so.
posted by yerfatma at 5:27 PM on August 19, 2004

Oh man. I'm sitting this one out.
posted by scarabic at 5:29 PM on August 19, 2004

It's definitely satire. It wouldn't work. A guy's not going to stick around long enough to catch christianity without sex, and I suspect that the sex wouldn't be forthcoming. We all know that nobody fucks with the jesus.
posted by Mayor Curley at 5:32 PM on August 19, 2004

We all know that nobody fucks with the jesus.


*wriggles out of hotpants, halter-top and rosary, slinks away*
posted by stonerose at 5:54 PM on August 19, 2004

I've dated girls like this, and they do tend to bring out the religious spirit in me.

"Jesus Christ, what do I have to do to get in this girl's pants?"
posted by bdk3clash at 6:07 PM on August 19, 2004

From the wonderful and deeply evil film Dangerous Liasons, I can only add my favorite quote (John Malkovich as Vicomte de Valmont )

You see, I have no plans to break down her morals. I WANT her to believe in love and virtue and the sancitity of marriage, and still not be able to stop herself. I want the pleasure of watching her betray everything that is important to her.
posted by fluffycreature at 6:07 PM on August 19, 2004

It's always worth wading through an EB polluted thread if there's Jesus Quintana action to be had.
posted by Space Coyote at 6:08 PM on August 19, 2004

Great googly-moogly. This'll be my third attempt to respond to EB's last post. Pray for me that Firefox doesn't crash again; this'll be the shortest yet.

This satire bothers me because it doesn't satire bigotry, it satirizes an evangelist's earnestness. Which just isn't nice. On the other hand, their earnestness is a big and tempting target for satire. Yet, going back to the first hand, that's just not very sporting, then, is it?

First of all, and to get the silly ad-hominem part out of the way, I'd like to note that if you tack "What do you think? Are we, as a community, too harsh in our reception of the earnest religious?" to the end of this paragraph, the result would be indistinguishable from one of Miguel's lesser efforts.

Second, I think one could be forgiven for not realizing that you were talking about how Metafilter mocks those wacky Christians, since it sure looks like you're talking about "this satire"—the linked-to page—and not Metafilter at all. Your comment would make as much or little sense and be as apropos if everyone in the thread were bemoaning the cold treatment that earnest religious types receive on Metafilter, the web at large, and among glib sophisticates generally. It would still be inconclusive and meandering (for all its four sentences), weighing each option carefully ("on the other hand, it sure is easy ... but on the one, it's not nice ... hmm ...") without daring to endorse either.
posted by kenko at 6:42 PM on August 19, 2004

It does acknowledge that there's a long tradition of satirizing earnestness, insofar as it acknowledges that such is easy to do, but it's not clear at all that you disapprove of it. Sure, it bothers you. But that point gets pretty diluted by what follows. "It bothers me because it's not nice" isn't exactly a denunciation. And to follow it up with the "on the other hand" part just makes it seem as if what you're expressing is not an opinion about how others ought to behave, but some personal foible of your own. Yeah, you don't like it, but you can see why other people would do it. Some lingering reservations remain on your part, but hey, if we go for it that's ok. That's no way to take a stand.

As for satirizing the earnest not being nice, well, it's not nice to satire anyone. Satire is mean. Satire also isn't concerned with being sporting, so I don't know what to make of your complaint that satirizing the earnest isn't sporting (on my view of satire, anyway; you must have a different one if that complaint makes sense).

A nicer, and considerably more comprehensible and straightforward, way to say what you wanted could have been "Look, I acknowledge that satirizing earnestness has a long history, but it's a bit tiring for MeFi to be a 'let's mock those wacky Christians' free-for-all."

Notice how that actually comes to a clear conclusion? And how it's easy to tell it's about Metafilter since it, you know, goes to the trouble of mentioning it?
posted by kenko at 6:55 PM on August 19, 2004

Finally, it doesn't matter who loses. Mayor Curley wins.
posted by kenko at 6:55 PM on August 19, 2004

EB, you are really self-destructing in this thread in a particularly ugly way. Could you please go away until you get it under control again? For the sake of the rest of us, and the site you are continually claiming to care about? Thanks.
posted by rushmc at 7:02 PM on August 19, 2004

I'm still not convinced that it is or is not a spoof or a hoax.

I think my detector is munged. Anyone have 7 lithium N cells or a clue-by-four?
posted by loquacious at 7:18 PM on August 19, 2004

Oh, and lay off EB, willya? It's like someone's chumming for reef sharks in here.

I knew I was whoring a worst of the web link but I didn't expect it to push the snark envelope into an X-prize contender. Something glitched on my follow-up post that was supposed to steer the thread towards...

HOAX? Y/N?> _

posted by loquacious at 7:24 PM on August 19, 2004

LOL. I'm not sure if kenko is deliberately or accidently satirizing EB's blithering, but either way, he wins.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:25 PM on August 19, 2004

accidentally. I'm crushed.
posted by kenko at 7:36 PM on August 19, 2004

I had a really religious girl break up with me once.

Just before the breakup: "My boyfriend's going to Hell, and I'm going with him!"
posted by NortonDC at 7:50 PM on August 19, 2004

HOAX? Y/N?> 5
?SYNTAX ERROR
HOAX? Y/N?> north
?SYNTAX ERROR
posted by tss at 8:01 PM on August 19, 2004

now that's why I've abandoned desert death cults altogether.
posted by tj at 8:03 PM on August 19, 2004

A white!?! Christian dating site that's not a satire is being started by a heir to the Regnery publishing "empire" (Swift Boat Liars, 7 million anti-Clinton books, Michelle Malkin, Dennis Hastert!?!...)
posted by amberglow at 8:13 PM on August 19, 2004

Loquacious: go read some real religious sites, then come back to this one with a fresh read.

Your spoof-meter should automatically recalibrate nicely.
posted by Ynoxas at 8:15 PM on August 19, 2004

Damn it, I've known some pretty cute Christian girls over a number of years and locations and none of them have tried to date or convert me. I guess this is some indicator of how I rate on their scale :(
posted by mikeh at 8:25 PM on August 19, 2004

Oh, come on. It's not satire. It's business. Everything on that site is a lead-in to selling you some little trinket that is supposed to have quasi-alternative kitsch value.
posted by bingo at 8:26 PM on August 19, 2004

Satire.

Altho my ex-mormon husband declares that missionary dating is alive and well in the LDS church. ....
posted by konolia at 8:32 PM on August 19, 2004

GAME OVER: tss WINS! TOTAL NERDALITY!

/nerd

On preview: Ynoxas: I'm deeply and sincerely interested in religion (read: spirituality) of all sorts.

Is this a "real" religious site? What about this? Or this? How about this?

*bonks spoof-detector repeatedly. the jeweled needle continues to swing wildly.*
posted by loquacious at 8:33 PM on August 19, 2004

Did anyone see the Jebus thong?
posted by nyxxxx at 8:46 PM on August 19, 2004

This is basically the opposite of Fuck the vote.
posted by condour75 at 9:16 PM on August 19, 2004

Man, this thread has managed to touch on so many things that annoy me (Joshua Harris, Regnery, society). I don't even think I can bring myself to comment.
posted by drezdn at 10:32 PM on August 19, 2004

yeah shes a stock photo
posted by c at 11:12 PM on August 19, 2004

and yeah i think my link wont work so.. well shes totally on the first page of results on getty images for 'woman sipping tea'

sorry bout that.
posted by c at 11:14 PM on August 19, 2004

Forget Missionary Dating, what about some Doggy-style Dating?
posted by dg at 12:08 AM on August 20, 2004

MetaFilter: We're not afraid to bash Christianity. We think it's kinda fun and makes us look real tough.

Can someone change the record? I think it's stuck.
posted by ninthart at 1:22 AM on August 20, 2004

she's a stock photo

The 21st century version of the phrase 'trophy wife'.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:30 AM on August 20, 2004

loquacious - landover baptist is one of the oldest, most established spoof sites on the web.

Jainism is a real religion (and kind of a fun philosophy, although living the life of a sincere Jain would put Catholics to shame, guilt-wise).

Aleister Crowley was a real person, and the people at that site are sincere - but the whole conglomeration of people that spell magic with a k isn't really a religion.

The brights seem to be a group of people who really want to be new age, but feel uncomfortable talking about crystals and the energies thereof. So I guess they just sit around listening to harp music.

EB - kenko's got your number, although the fact that he dwarfed your wordcount in this thread makes me laugh.

Lastly, yes, this is a spoof. But a good, and initially believable one.
posted by kavasa at 2:17 AM on August 20, 2004

MetaFilter: We're not afraid to bash Christianity. We think it's kinda fun and makes us look real tough.

Stop bashing real christians by lumping them in with the crazy ones we love to make fun of.
posted by Space Coyote at 3:40 AM on August 20, 2004

The Dude : Jesus.

Jesus Quintana : You said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.

Walter Sobchak : Eight year-olds, Dude.
posted by bwg at 4:14 AM on August 20, 2004

"...until it goes clicK."

...is maybe my favorite line of the movie. Which is saying a lot since I want to have that movie's babies.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 4:22 AM on August 20, 2004

Ok, I'm convinced of it's spoofiness. The stock photo was exactly the sort of monkeybusiness I was looking for. Thanks.

Kavasa: I wasn't claiming any of my links were spoofs or not. Y'all underestimate me. Just trying to make a point*. Jainism has it's attractions, but I personally like being able to scratch myself when I itch. The Brights are attractive too, but just not dangerous enough. Crowley had some nice - if not possibly stolen - philosophy, but he probably had lost it from the beginning.

To be clear, I wasn't trying to bash Christianity in this thread at all. I honestly just thought "WTF!?" when I found the site, and honestly wanted to know if it was a hoax or not. Quonsar - $deity bless him - managed to derail that intent in just about a minute because I couldn't get that first followup post in fast enough. The thread post had lagged and apparently errored out, so it said, leaving me scrambling to repost it even though it had actually posted already.

Christianity - at it's core - has some damn fine principles when interpreted correctly** and not applied from any sort of fundamentalist or extremeist perspective.

*My main point on this? Religion/spirituality IS a smorgasborg, and it always has been. IMNSHO spirituality is best when it's personally created and personally meaningful. The only thing one should listen to - the only thing that could possibly ever be "true" - is what your inner voice tells you is true.

**Core, correct interpretation? Don't be a dick. There's really little higher to strive for. (This is explicitly not a call out for this or any thread. I'm speaking in general terms.)
posted by loquacious at 4:29 AM on August 20, 2004

I am so not laughing at this site because I once met five waitresses in Dallas who were sharing an apartment, working at the same restaurant, and using this cock-teasing-for-Christ technique to lure guys to their apartment so they could witness to them. Ugh.
posted by alumshubby at 5:33 AM on August 20, 2004

1. She's not that attractive.
2. She's a fucking psycho.
3. She probably doesn't do anal.

Not dating material, IMHO.
posted by pemulis at 3:16 AM EST on August 18

Minor edit from a previous post about Blair that fits here as well.
All Credit to pemulis
posted by a3matrix at 6:42 AM on August 20, 2004

They'll have to pry the christianity bashing-stick from my cold, dead, hands.
posted by lumpenprole at 10:09 AM on August 20, 2004

14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15 What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? 16 What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. 17 Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, 18 and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.” (2 Corinthians 6)
posted by aaronshaf at 10:26 AM on August 20, 2004

Paul was such a killjoy.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 11:03 AM on August 20, 2004

And yet so many Christians evangelize about their faith, even despite the admonition to not have doings with unbelievers.
posted by five fresh fish at 12:56 PM on August 20, 2004

I would like to point out that just because it's a stock photo of a woman sipping tea doesn't mean it's not a legitimate site. (Yes, there may be other indicators, but I'm looking at that one.)

Stock photography is so readily available these days that any ugly person can just browse around pictures of people until they find one they like, that looks like them, or that looks like what they'd like to look like, and then use that. She doesn't even claim that it's a picture of her.
posted by etoile at 6:13 PM on August 20, 2004

Y'all just crack me up sometimes...I swear.
posted by dejah420 at 6:39 PM on August 20, 2004