Life as parody

September 8, 2004 6:14 AM

The end of peace and prosperity. So, remember the Onion's parody of Bush that was published on January 18, 2001, "Bush: Our Long National Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity is Finally Over"? Ha Ha, very funny. Three years later they've published an updated article complete with links. Oh baby, not so funny anymore... via Daily Kos
posted by sic (56 comments total)

So does this mean that the best news and information comes from the Onion and the Daily Show?
posted by sic at 6:15 AM on September 8, 2004

This is very good - the links make it - but the Onion's under seige these days. They've become superfluous.

The Bush Administration writes it for them.
posted by troutfishing at 6:25 AM on September 8, 2004

Dead link?
posted by McBain at 6:26 AM on September 8, 2004

Rats, it does look like the link just went down, and I mean JUST because I opened it 5 minutes ago..!
posted by sic at 6:29 AM on September 8, 2004

Also, just as a point of accuracy, it appears that the modification of the article (the linking) was done by someone not affiliated with The Onion (although with their permission), so it's not technically correct to say that "they've published an updated article." Interesting, nonetheless.
posted by pardonyou? at 6:36 AM on September 8, 2004

Coral cache version
posted by smackfu at 6:40 AM on September 8, 2004

I've saved the page, but I don't have anywhere to host it. Anyone want to put it up for awhile?
posted by sic at 6:41 AM on September 8, 2004

Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'

WASHINGTON, DC—Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."

"My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us."

Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"

On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnationby implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.

Wall Street responded strongly to the Bush speech, with the Dow Jones industrial fluctuating wildly before closing at an 18-month low. The NASDAQ composite index, rattled by a gloomy outlook for tech stocks in 2001, also fell sharply, losing 4.4 percent of its total value between 3 p.m. and the closing bell.

Asked for comment about the cooling technology sector, Bush said: "That's hardly my area of expertise."

Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do whatever it takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the Clinton Administration to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He assured citizens that he will follow through on his campaign promise to open the 1.5 million acre refuge's coastal plain to oil drilling. As a sign of his commitment to bringing about a change in the environment, he pointed to his choice of Gale Norton for Secretary of the Interior. Norton, Bush noted, has "extensive experience" fighting environmental causes, working as a lobbyist for lead-paint manufacturers and as an attorney for loggers and miners, in addition to suing the EPA to overturn clean-air standards.

Bush had equally high praise for Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft, whom he praised as "a tireless champion in the battle to protect a woman's right to give birth."

"Soon, with John Ashcroft's help, we will move out of the Dark Ages and into a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think long and hard before trying to fight her way past throngs of protesters blocking her entrance to an abortion clinic," Bush said. "We as a nation can look forward to lots and lots of babies."

Continued Bush: "John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the terrible wedge President Clinton drove between church and state."

The speech was met with overwhelming approval from Republican leaders.

"Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a close," House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters. "Under Bush, we can all look forward to military aggression, deregulation of dangerous, greedy industries, and the defunding of vital domestic social-service programs upon which millions depend. Mercifully, we can now say goodbye to the awful nightmare that was Clinton's America."

"For years, I tirelessly preached the message that Clinton must be stopped," conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh said. "And yet, in 1996, the American public failed to heed my urgent warnings, re-electing Clinton despite the fact that the nation was prosperous and at peace under his regime. But now, thank God, that's all done with. Once again, we will enjoy mounting debt, jingoism, nuclear paranoia, mass deficit, and a massive military build-up."

An overwhelming 49.9 percent of Americans responded enthusiastically to the Bush speech.

"After eight years of relatively sane fiscal policy under the Democrats, we have reached a point where, just a few weeks ago, President Clinton said that the national debt could be paid off by as early as 2012," Rahway, NJ, machinist and father of three Bud Crandall said. "That's not the kind of world I want my children to grow up in."

"You have no idea what it's like to be black and enfranchised," said Marlon Hastings, one of thousands of Miami-Dade County residents whose votes were not counted in the 2000 presidential election. "George W. Bush understands the pain of enfranchisement, and ever since Election Day, he has fought tirelessly to make sure it never happens to my people again."

Bush concluded his speech on a note of healing and redemption.

"We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this nation in two," Bush said. "Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there's much more widening left to do. We must squander our nation's hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it."

"The insanity is over," Bush said. "After a long, dark night of peace and stability, the sun is finally rising again over America. We look forward to a bright new dawn not seen since the glory days of my dad."
posted by rafter at 6:51 AM on September 8, 2004

Thanks rafter
posted by Outlawyr at 6:58 AM on September 8, 2004

That looks like a y2karl FPP.
posted by stonerose at 7:20 AM on September 8, 2004

Bush: Bringing on Armageddon :-)
posted by nofundy at 7:29 AM on September 8, 2004

Bush/Cheney '04: Why change horsemen in mid apocalypse?
posted by hob at 8:02 AM on September 8, 2004

It is downright scary how close these joking predictions track what actually happened.
My fav: "You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration."
posted by caddis at 8:19 AM on September 8, 2004

I'm quite curious: how was Bush selected as the most capable, most qualified candidate for leadership of the Republican party? Surely he isn't actually the best guy for the job. Why would the membership elect him, then?
posted by five fresh fish at 8:26 AM on September 8, 2004

hob, that is BRILLIANT. T-shirts anyone?
posted by kahboom at 8:28 AM on September 8, 2004

fff, think "willing figurehead".
posted by wendell at 8:30 AM on September 8, 2004

five fresh fish, for any political party capability and qualifications aren't the first priority when appointing the leader. The number one priority is electibility.
posted by substrate at 8:47 AM on September 8, 2004

name recognition.
posted by Miles Long at 8:52 AM on September 8, 2004

I'm quite curious: how was Bush selected as the most capable, most qualified candidate for leadership of the Republican party? Surely he isn't actually the best guy for the job. Why would the membership elect him, then? with Rove as puppetmaster.
posted by nyoki at 8:52 AM on September 8, 2004

for any political party capability and qualifications aren't the first priority when appointing the leader. The number one priority is electibility.

q.v. Tony Blair and the Labour Party
posted by influx at 8:54 AM on September 8, 2004

The number one priority is electibility.

O'course, the Democrats apparently can't get even that one right....
posted by jammer at 9:40 AM on September 8, 2004

Remember that Bush was chosen through the primary process -- people going to the polls -- not nominated or hand-picked by the party leadership. He had a tough fight with John McCain for a while. Why was he chosen over someone else? I'll admit, it would be nice to find a process capable of divining out the "best/most qualified candidate." Unfortunately, I think your answer is that people differ on what makes a candidate qualified.
posted by pardonyou? at 9:42 AM on September 8, 2004

how was Bush selected as the most capable, most qualified candidate for leadership of the Republican party?

Well the Saudis really, really wanted this guy!
posted by clevershark at 9:43 AM on September 8, 2004

hob, that is BRILLIANT. T-shirts anyone?

It is brilliant, but it's not mine -- someone dropped it in conversation. And yeah, I do keep thinking about t-shirts... or billboard remessagings... Big heroic picture of Bush, Cheney, Ashcroft and Rumsfeld posing against a slightly red-tinged sky with the shadows all just wrong, and the caption running along the bottom of the shot.

So, someone with Photoshop skillz... I wear XXL.
posted by hob at 9:54 AM on September 8, 2004

Remember that Bush was chosen through the primary process -- people going to the polls -- not nominated or hand-picked by the party leadership.

BWAH HA HA HA HA!

GWB was the candidate of the GOP leadership from the word go. No one ever EVER gets their party's nomination unless they have the support of the PARTY. Just ask Howard Dean.
posted by jpoulos at 9:57 AM on September 8, 2004

Because he has great hair, good teeth, an acceptable height, and a down-home accent.

Because he wears cowboy boots with his suits.

Because he has that charming inability to speak clearly-- no effette, ivory tower intellectuals for us!

Because he is a born-again Christian who carries around a bible.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 9:58 AM on September 8, 2004

hob, that is BRILLIANT. T-shirts anyone?

It's been around.
posted by the fire you left me at 10:23 AM on September 8, 2004

hob, that is BRILLIANT. T-shirts anyone?

It's been around.
posted by the fire you left me at 10:23 AM on September 8, 2004

Remember that Bush was chosen through the primary process -- people going to the polls -- not nominated or hand-picked by the party leadership.

Bush was hand-picked by the party leadership, which isn't even an issue of argument- the RNC openly supported Bush as their candidate in 2000.

And yes, he was chosen by the primary process- if by primary process you mean a series of votes in which he was continuously defeated until he decided to accuse his opponent of having a mixed-race bastard child with a prostitute.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 10:25 AM on September 8, 2004

fff, try to think of George Bush as the American equivalent of Zaphod Beeblebrox. Except not a cool.
posted by moonbiter at 10:26 AM on September 8, 2004

Yep, it has.
posted by papercake at 10:28 AM on September 8, 2004

Why wouldn't the party leadership itself not become President? If there's a cabal running the RNC, why aren't they putting one of their own up front?
posted by five fresh fish at 10:55 AM on September 8, 2004

If you are up front then you might become a casualty. So you use disposable, easily-manipulated cannon fodder to take the risks for you. You send a mook to do the job. If he happens to have some Forrest Gump-style good luck, a skin of pure teflon, and is appealing to the angry white man, so much the better.

Anyway, there is not an Illuminati-style cabal running the RNC ... the RNC and it's members/contributers are the cabal. So they did choose one of their own. But they made sure to choose one that was expendable.
posted by moonbiter at 11:21 AM on September 8, 2004

fff, think "willing figurehead".

If there's a cabal running the RNC, why aren't they putting one of their own up front?

I've long suspected it, but that proves it. Somebody's come up with a Filter for MetaFilter to specifically allow everybody to ignore wendell's comments. Alright, whodunnit? quonsar? Paris? y6?

Personal paranoia aside, I think the 'cabal' prefers having a front-man with so many skeletons in his closet. Makes him much more willing.

Pipe dream: Karl Rove turns on G.W.Bush. O-o-o-o-oh, the schadenfreund!!
posted by wendell at 11:22 AM on September 8, 2004

mumble, grumble, mumble... what moonbiter said...
posted by wendell at 11:24 AM on September 8, 2004

If there's a cabal running the RNC, why aren't they putting one of their own up front?

Why did Tony Soprano let Uncle Junior think he was the boss?

(What Wendell and moonbiter said.)
posted by chuq at 11:27 AM on September 8, 2004

some other t-shirts and bumperstickers that might be appropriate.
posted by j at 11:33 AM on September 8, 2004

So is Kerry also a figurehead?
posted by five fresh fish at 11:49 AM on September 8, 2004

no silly, he's a horseface.
posted by quonsar at 12:41 PM on September 8, 2004

Wow ... this is WAY cool. I had thought that there was a long-standing (if tacit) agreement on MeFi that linking to the Onion was just way out of line ... and was just not done. Obviously, as in line with the current dominant trend here, there are basic standards to be followed on MeFi unless they would inhibit the Bush-trashing FPP du jour.

Since the Onion is now okey-dokey, however, here's a few great ones:

Kerry Unveils One-Point Plan For Better America.

Kerry Names 1969 Version Of Himself As Running Mate.

And my favorite: Kerry Makes Whistle-Stop Tour From Deck Of Yacht
posted by MidasMulligan at 12:53 PM on September 8, 2004

So is Kerry also a figurehead?

Quite possibly. The DNC is every bit a cabal that the RNC is. However, they don't seem to have their stuff together the way the RNC does. For whatever reason, their political machine isn't as polished. Perhaps there aren't as many fans of Machiavelli in the DNC camp.

Such is the way of our current two-party system in the U.S. The candidates are chosen months before the Conventions, the nominees are limited to a small pool of wealthy in-folks, and third-party contenders are rarely more than a joke or a foil. By the time the voters get a choice, the pool has been vetted down to a small minority of latter-day nobles.
posted by moonbiter at 1:13 PM on September 8, 2004

Kerry Unveils One-Point Plan For Better America.

That's actually a pretty good plan.
posted by MegoSteve at 1:29 PM on September 8, 2004

I had thought that there was a long-standing (if tacit) agreement on MeFi that linking to the Onion was just way out of line ... and was just not done

Apparentl you are much to busy to be bothered with either clicking the link or reading any of the early follow up to gather some context before absently culling the Onion for some jabs at Kerry. Not that those links wouldn't have been funny or clever (if they worked), but you clearly missed the boat on this one.

Possibly not the best of the best of the web, but it was well enough done; whoever put this together did a pretty painstaking job.
posted by psmealey at 1:56 PM on September 8, 2004

Perhaps there aren't as many fans of Machiavelli in the DNC camp.
Well, there is certainly one Democrat who appears to be a fan of Machiavelli. However, he is resigning.
posted by caddis at 2:22 PM on September 8, 2004

The scariest thing about the link is that it truly reflects reality. What was hyperbole and fiction and scare-mongering turned out to come true.

Midas should probably go take a careful read of it, and start clicking its links. His presidential choice is a fellow who has done much, much wrong to America and its citizens.
posted by five fresh fish at 3:46 PM on September 8, 2004

Remember, W stands for "wrong."
posted by caddis at 3:51 PM on September 8, 2004

The scariest thing about the link is that it truly reflects reality.

As does the "Kerry Makes Whistle-Stop Tour From Deck Of Yacht" piece.

Midas should probably go take a careful read of it, and start clicking its links.

Riiiiight. Cause of course the same sort of cynical, hyper-partisan piece (complete with "links") couldn't be put together about anyone running for office, or holding office.

Perhaps five fresh fish should contemplate the fact that while Bush isn't trying to distance himself from his three years in the presidency, the Kerry folks are desperately trying to avoid any discussions of his twenty years in office. 'Cause way more ridiculous, derisive satire could be put together about that than about anything Bush has done.

Remember, W stands for "wrong."

Yes. And Kerry stands for ... well, nobody seems to know what Kerry stands for. Or if he'll still stand for it tomorrow.
posted by MidasMulligan at 6:26 PM on September 8, 2004

Perhaps five fresh fish should contemplate the fact that while Bush isn't trying to distance himself from his three years in the presidency

BWAH HA HA HA HA HAHAHAH!!!!

For $2.4 trillion, guess what word—other than "a," "and," and "the"—occurs most frequently in the acceptance speech George W. Bush delivered tonight.

The word is "will." It appears 76 times. This was a speech all about what Bush will do, and what will happen, if he becomes president.

Except he already is president. He already ran this campaign. He promised great things. They haven't happened.

The bullshit is five feet deep and rising.
posted by bashos_frog at 6:48 PM on September 8, 2004

the Kerry folks are desperately trying to avoid any discussions of his twenty years in office.


Kerry listed his accomplishments at the DNC. Also, there's always BCCI- you know, ending a source of terrorist funding about 13 years before most people cared.
posted by drezdn at 6:53 PM on September 8, 2004

Not to mention that Bush's party has had control of the House, Senate and Executive Branch for the past two years.
posted by drezdn at 6:58 PM on September 8, 2004

Clinton 1996:
Look at the facts. Just look at the facts: 4.4 million Americans now living in a home of their own for the first time. Hundreds of thousands of women have started their own new businesses. More minorities own businesses than ever before. Record numbers of new small businesses and exports. Look at what's happened. We have the lowest combined rates of unemployment, inflation and home mortgages in 28 years.

Look at what happened. Ten million new jobs, over half of them high-wage jobs. Ten million workers getting the raise they deserve with the minimum wage law. Twenty-five million people now having protection in their health insurance because the Kennedy-Kassebaum bill says you can't lose your insurance anymore when you change jobs even if somebody in your family's been sick.

Forty million Americans with more pension security, a tax cut for 15 million of our hardest working, hardest pressed Americans and all small businesses. Twelve million Americans -- 12 million of them taking advantage of the Family and Medical Leave Law so they could be good parents and good workers.

Ten million students have saved money on their college loans. We are making our democracy work. We have also passed political reform, the line-item veto bill, the motor voter bill, tougher registration laws for lobbyists, making Congress live under the laws they impose on the private sector, stopping unfunded mandates to state and local government. We've come a long way. We've got one more thing to do. Will you help me get campaign finance reform in the next four years?

We have increased our investments in research and technology. We have increased investments in breast cancer research dramatically. We are developing a supercomputer, a supercomputer that will do more calculating in a second than a person with a hand-held calculator can do in 30,000 years. More rapid development of drugs to deal with HIV and AIDS and moving them to the market quicker have almost doubled life expectancy in only four years, and we are looking at no limit in sight to that. We'll keep going until normal life is returned to people who deal with this.

Our country is still the strongest force for peace and freedom on earth. On issues that once before tore us apart, we have changed the old politics of Washington. For too long, leaders in Washington asked, "Who's to blame?" But we asked, "What are we going to do?"

On crime, we're putting 100,000 police on the streets. We made three-strikes-and-you're-out the law of the land. We stopped 60,000 felons, fugitives and stalkers from getting handguns under the Brady Bill. We banned assault rifles. We supported tougher punishment and prevention programs to keep our children from drugs and gangs and violence. Four years now -- for four years now, the crime rate in America has gone down.

There's much more about accomplishments in the speech

By contrast here are the ONLY specific accomplishments mentioned by Bush:

In northeast Georgia, Gainesville Elementary School is mostly Hispanic and 90 percent poor - and this year 90 percent of its students passed state tests in reading and math.
...
We have tripled funding for homeland security and trained half a million first responders, because we are determined to protect our homeland.
...
. I proposed, and the Congress overwhelmingly passed, $87 billion in funding needed by our troops doing battle in Afghanistan and Iraq.


And arguably, two of those are misleading.

In addition Bush refers to Kerry 9 times ("my opponent" or "Kerry").
Clinton referred to his opponent twice.
Kerry referred to his opponent once.
posted by bashos_frog at 7:09 PM on September 8, 2004

Ah, I see Midas's republican logic is fully at work. Don't click the links because they show bad stuff, and anyone else would also have bad stuff written about them.

Relative atrociousness of said bad stuff disregarded. A blow job is equal to an offensive war. A drunken brother is equal to personal drug use. Etc.

Look past the party name and look at the results: everything Bush has touched has turned to shit. The deficit is appalling, healthcare is still in shambles, terrorists hate you more than ever, drug usage is up, and eduction is down. Hell, at his worst, your last president was better than this one by all socio-economic measures of the population.

I can not for the life of me fathom why anyone who is even halfway informed could even consider putting the Republicans back in power so long as the current crop of inner-circle administrators is in top position. They have been an unmitigated disaster.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:19 PM on September 8, 2004

Keywords being "halfway informed"

These people get 100% of their news from Fox, which is quite a bit short of halfway.
posted by bashos_frog at 7:25 PM on September 8, 2004

Are we tired of this yet?
posted by ParisParamus at 9:17 PM on September 8, 2004

And he's got that right. Ladies and gentlemen, what Bush and Quayle have given this country is the worst economic performance since the Great Depression. Unemployment is up. Housing starts are down. The trade deficit is up. Real incomes are down. Bankruptcies are up. Consumer confidence is down. Everything that should be down is up. Everything that should be up is down. They've got it upside down, and we're going to turn it right side up.

Al Gore, 1992
posted by euphorb at 9:45 PM on September 8, 2004

RE the changing of the horsemen. In 1932 The New Republic described the Hoover campaign's appeal as: "Don't change barrels going over Niagara"
posted by bmckenzie at 8:20 PM on September 9, 2004