Things not to do with your own mouth...

September 30, 2004 5:01 AM

Bad Candy: Despite the lack of new candy reviews Bad Candy remains one of those sites you can go back to time after time. Side-splitting hours within. "None of this prepared us for the taste, of course. My Love is a time-release candy; it doesn't taste unbearable until it has firmly entrenched itself in your mouth. Then, all at once, My Love issues forth its vinegary bitterness, wilting tongue and lips alike with its thick, saucy, Drano-like quality." (this site was mentioned once in passing on the blue, but deserves a post of it's own)
posted by soulhuntre (14 comments total)

Two words: Haw Flakes.
posted by brownpau at 6:19 AM on September 30, 2004

Can't we just redefine anything - even really gross stuff that you'd cross the street to avoid looking at - as "candy" by giving it a hard sugar coating ?

And I mean Anything!
posted by troutfishing at 7:06 AM on September 30, 2004

Thanks for Haw Flakes.

Yes tf, and apparently they do :)
posted by soulhuntre at 7:19 AM on September 30, 2004

Kibo's Junk Food Reviews.
posted by kenko at 7:20 AM on September 30, 2004

What, no Thrills? Everyone hates it, everyone agrees it tastes like soap, and yet it's still on the market.

Also, my sister swears she once saw a can of something called "Smurf Juice" in Port Huron, Michigan. On the side of the can it read "NO NATURAL OR ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS", which can't possibly be true.
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:23 AM on September 30, 2004

Metafilter: NO NATURAL OR ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS
posted by ruddhist at 10:12 AM on September 30, 2004

Also, Writers and Artists Snacking at Work. (caution loud "snack!" sample on loading)
Featuring the "WHICH SOUTH PARK CHARACTER WOULD LIKE IT BEST?:" criteria.
posted by milovoo at 10:38 AM on September 30, 2004

I've had this site bookmarked for years. My favorite review includes this:

Screaming like a lunatic, I lit my head on fire, stripped naked and stuffed myself into the garbage disposal, while Ben stood by helplessly, photographing the whole thing. Actually, I didn't, but wouldn't that be a cool thing to have pictures of?

posted by MrMoonPie at 11:20 AM on September 30, 2004

I can't think of Bad Candy without shedding a lil' tear for the long dormant Old Man Murray.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 11:32 AM on September 30, 2004

I miss OMM. There isn't much else out there that is as funny and as consistently... umm... consistent in it's character environment.

One thing that helps fill the void is The Filthy Critic.

"A couple weeks ago, I got a brilliant idea, so I collected a stack of applications from local businesses that have cool shit I can steal, like the Big O Tires, K-Mart, Martial Arts Warehouse, Paint Gun Supply, Hot Dog on a Stick and the Salvation Army. My idea was to fill them out at the Tavern because I always get supermotivated to do shit with my life after two pitchers of Bud and a pickled egg. Plus, I get really creative when I'm drunk. It's when I do my best dancing, singing and choose the most interesting things to defecate on. As an added bonus, I have a harder time remembering what's true and what's a lie about my own past, so I'm way more likely to write bullshit next to the questions about felonies and college educations and not worry about it. This one application, I swear, was developed specifically to exclude me because it had eight questions about personal hygiene. You know what? Urine is sterile, so I ain't washing my hands after pissing just to make a Whopper."
posted by soulhuntre at 3:42 PM on September 30, 2004

Candy bits:

Ear Wax Candy

UK candy obsessives: Snackspot.org
posted by NortonDC at 5:14 PM on September 30, 2004

One thing that helps fill the void is The Filthy Critic.

Holy shit! When did he come back? I stopped checking months ago. Thanks soulhuntre!
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 5:37 PM on September 30, 2004

Haw flakes aren't bad.

You can use them as quarters on old manual turn meters. Or you can at least set them to VIOLATION and you're good to go. Turn the knob and the evidence disappears.
posted by shepd at 1:34 AM on October 1, 2004

Oh hey, can I suggest one more thing?

Cadbury's "Sour beaner".

Sour jellybeans encased in a soft purple nougat wrapped in a thin milk chocolate layer.

The packaging was the best part. A picture of the chocolate bar exposed at the end so one could appreciate the innards, surrounded by a dazzling lime green LSD inspired background; with the cadbury logo and "Sour Beaner" printed in one of those "shock" stylized fonts in bright yellow, and, the best part; an antropomophized green jellybean clearly so high on PCP (or perhaps high from cannibalizing his mates) that there's no possibility that anything you do to the contents of this wrapper, or the wrapper itself, could hurt that jellybean in any way shape or form, or even wipe that ungodly happier-than-a-happy-hello-kitty look from its face, but that you could be assured he'd take out any agression left on your gut.

I liked 'em. I tried to get others to like them. Then, when they stopped making them, I raided bargain bins. Now they're no more and Cadbury has managed to wipe any knowledge of their existence from the earth, like one would do with candies like Razzles. :-( They deserved better than that. Those sour beaners. I weep that your taste might grace my buds in heaven!

BTW: I got the ex-chemist exchange student to check out the positively massive ingredients list. These things beat out anything you've seen for ingredients! Yes, even the fruit flavoured chips. In her best vietnamese-broken-english accent she could give me, she said...

..."Very bad! This make you sick! Poison!"

And I gulped down another. Mmmmm.

I did mention they had a lot of sugar in them, right?
posted by shepd at 1:46 AM on October 1, 2004