Hello Dolly!

October 26, 2004 10:47 AM

NSFW: Realdoll vs. Superbabe. A side by side comparison of top of the line ($5000.00 plus) pleasure dolls. Realdoll has a removable tongue but Superbabe has no tongue at all.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy (53 comments total)

If I were John Ashcroft, I'd set up a serial killer watch list based on the people who actually buy these things.
posted by rks404 at 11:04 AM on October 26, 2004

If you were John Ashcroft I hope you'd do the decent, humane, thing and kill yourself immediately.

That being said, these things are freaky and disturbing. I realize that I'm being deeply judgmental when I say this, but people that buy these things really need to take some time to reevaluate their lives & their priorities.
posted by aramaic at 11:08 AM on October 26, 2004

Japan's I-doloid Magazine is entirely devoted to the subject (scrolling down is potentially Not Safe/Work.) Some of those dolls look pretty human. NSFW!--she looks stoic but not entirely happy.
posted by Shane at 11:17 AM on October 26, 2004

If I were John Ashcroft, I would be completely insane.
The dolls are kind of gross, but they're just sex toys. I don't think owning one would make you a potential serial killer.
posted by Outlawyr at 11:19 AM on October 26, 2004

They look and feel just like real dead girls!
posted by nicwolff at 11:22 AM on October 26, 2004

If you were John Ashcroft, you'd probably be a customer.

Wow. A little too much detail:

Buttocks
Proportionate in size with the rest of her body, soft construction. Very spankable... but gently.

Breasts
The outer layer of silicone is about 1/4 inch thick. You can feel the two layers which is slightly artificial. When she presses against you they are quite nice however.

Um, when SHE presses against YOU?

I have found that these fingernails can be problematic, so we ordered her without any.

Don't wanna know how they're problematic...
posted by Shane at 11:27 AM on October 26, 2004

I have found that these fingernails can be problematic, so we ordered her without any.

They're probably missing an important demographic by not offering a doll with fingernails you can pull off.
posted by Armitage Shanks at 11:35 AM on October 26, 2004

If I was John Ashcroft, I'd buy about ten of 'em.
posted by spilon at 11:38 AM on October 26, 2004

I once saw an episode of Real Sex or Sex TV (one of those infotainment "documentary" shows with sex as its subject) where they showed an alleged couple (they looked like porn actors picking up some easy cash on their day off to me) having three-way sex with a Real Doll. I was embarassed for both of them, the man because he interviewed that the RD was the perfect way to satisfy his desire for three-ways and not wreck the relationship, and the woman because she had to pretend to be into the whole thing. Funny, but also sad.
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:40 AM on October 26, 2004

They forgot RealHamster ("Eye colour: black, red, demonic or cherenkov") and RealDog ("Realdog Creations does not manufacture inflatable vinyl dogs, so if you're interested in finding such a dog, look elsewhere and ignore our laughter and scorn").
posted by raygirvan at 11:43 AM on October 26, 2004

Kibo once found and commented on a pretty funny RealDoll review.

[warning: only read this article if you don't mind thinking about having carnal relations with someone who has "new car smell".]

So lemme get this straight: It's an inflatable sex doll which you
can't have sex with and has severe quality control defects, yet is still an "excellent" and "great" doll?
posted by straight at 11:52 AM on October 26, 2004

I don't know. I kind of like the idea of sexually repressed losers spending lots of money on fake women rather than picking up hookers or beating on animals because they're sexually frustrated.

aramaic, Do you look down on people that buy dildos and vibrators too? Maybe you need to re-evaluate your intolerant viewpoint? Its a sex toy, lighten up.

And no, I don't want or need one of these stupid things. But don't knock the people who own them, like them and would rather hump a plastic version of a woman than waste their time finding a willing and real one.
posted by fenriq at 11:54 AM on October 26, 2004

Its a sex toy, lighten up.

I suspect the Uncanny Valley is the reason these things bother people more than your regular sex toy.
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:58 AM on October 26, 2004

I don't know which is creepier: This link, or the M a r i e O s m a n d dolls appearing in the ads. (Name spaced to attempt to avoid feeding the bot.)
posted by loquacious at 11:58 AM on October 26, 2004

Speaking of creepy, on the show I mention before, they interviewed one of the RD's creators, and he said that they've taken special orders for ones covered in hair and ones made to look like people in photographs the customers provided...including one guy's M-O-M. Ick.
posted by The Card Cheat at 12:04 PM on October 26, 2004

This calls to mind Bill Bryson's description of a store selling the more traditional blow-up dolls, in Neither Here Nor There:

In large, lurid letters the box listed Aphrodite's many features: LIFE SIZED! SOFT FLESH-LIKE SKIN! INVITING ANUS! (Beg pardon?), MOVEABLE EYES! (Ugh) and LUSCIOUS VAGINA THAT VIBRATES AT YOUR COMMAND!

Yeah, but can she cook? I thought.

There was another one called a Chinese Love Doll 980. 'For a Long-Lasting Relationship,' it promised sincerely, and then in bolder letters added: EXTRA THICK VINYL RUBBER. Kind of takes the romance out of it, don't you think? This was clearly a model for the more practical types. On the other hand it also had a VIBATING VAGINA AND ANUS and TITS THAT GET HOT!! Below this it promised: SMELL LIKE A REAL WOMAN.

All these claims were given in a variety of languages. It was interesting to see that the German versions all sounded coarse and bestial: LEBENGROSSE, VOLLE JUNGE BRUSTE, LIEBENDER MUND. The same words in Spanish sounded delicate and romantic: ANO TENTADOR, DELICIOSA VAGINA QUE VIBRA A TU ORDEN, LABIOS AMOROSOS. You could almost imagine ordering these in a restaurant ('Ill have the Ano Tentador lightly grilled and a bottle of Labios Amorosos '88'). The same things in German sounded like a wake up call at a prison camp.

I was fascinated. Who buys these things? Presumably the manufacturers wouldn't include a vibrating anus or tits that get hot if the demand wasn't there. So who's clamouring for them? And how does anyone bring himself to make the purchase? Do you tell the person behind the counter it's for a friend?...Perhaps it's just me. Perhaps these people aren't the least embarrassed about their abnormal infatuations. Perhaps they talk about it freely with their friends, sit around bars saying, 'Did I tell you I just traded up to an Arabian Nights Model 280? The eyes don't move, but the anus gives good action.' Maybe they even bring them along. 'Helmut, I'd like you to meet my new 400. Mind her tits. They get hot.'
posted by Turtles all the way down at 12:06 PM on October 26, 2004

I find the very existence of these dolls (especially that there are multiple companies making them) rather sad and disturbing. The oddest thing is I think that people who buy them do so in order to "be closer" to a real woman--closer to the real thing. However, I think that the further one ventures down this path the farther away one gets from real anything. Anyone's who's spent any significant time with a lover can bring up more sincere solo experiences with a hand and closed eyes than a doll. At least, I sure hope that's the case.

A friend of mine used to work in a porn shop. Once, he was being interviewed about his pre-rock star life and this came up. He was asked what he thought of the people who shopped there. He said something like, "Well, you know, I was at first weirded out by the people who came in and bought rubber dolls. But I told myself, 'Whatever' and got over it. However, I was never able to say, 'whatever' and get over the same customer returning and buying lingerie for the rubber doll." I thought that was pretty apt.

Also, I must say that shit like this makes me glad (and ashamed) that I'm a man. What must women think of men when they see shit like this? How sad must it make them feel?

As Jason Molina sings, "What's left after all that's gone / I hope to never learn."
posted by dobbs at 12:06 PM on October 26, 2004

Right on Fenriq. Yeah, for so much invoking of Ashcroft this has to be the most uptight sex thread I've ever read here.

Let's make an actual discussion of it.

There's absolutely no way I'd have sex with a Superbabe, but I would definitely consider fucking a realdoll. Why not? The Superbabe just looks like a bad highschool drawing brought to doll but the Real Doll actually looks like a real human, and damn if some of the models aren't hot. Sexless marriages can be saved by dolls like these. For me, I'll joke that having a cute ass to play with whenever I wanted wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Sex toys are really fun for couples. I find the cost of the dolls extremely prohibitive but none of you are saying that, you think the idea of the dolls is what's so crazy.

I like the look of the Japanese ones, but they're way too lolita looking. I would feel like I was having sex with a teenager, which isn't my thing but for people who enjoy the fantasy of it those dolls are really cute.
posted by Peter H at 12:08 PM on October 26, 2004

What must women think of men when they see shit like this? How sad must it make them feel?

Ah, that's way too Allan Alda, dobbs. I think for any sexually confident woman it has her say, "damn that's crazy, all I need is a dildo!"
posted by Peter H at 12:13 PM on October 26, 2004

Do you look down on people that buy dildos and vibrators too?

Nope. I actively encourage people to buy 'em. Synthetic vaginas & similar things too. No problem.

What makes me intolerant is that these things cost thousands. Somehow spending $5K on a toy that basically emulates a dead girl you can fuck is just plain screwy. There are better things to spend your money on. Drop $50 on a rubber vagina and give the rest to charity or something.
posted by aramaic at 12:14 PM on October 26, 2004

Drop $50 on a rubber vagina and give the rest to charity or something.

That was the exact same advice my mom gave me when I left home.
posted by bondcliff at 12:26 PM on October 26, 2004

aramaic, one man's $5,000 stereo is another's $30,000 SUV, is another man's ...

Btw, I find torsos much more gruesome and bizarre than a full doll. I think the burdon of owning one of these things would be where do you freaking keep it? Ha, especially if you're trying to hide it from your girlfriend or something? A chest, maybe? And disposing! You can't ebay it away, certainly. Maybe bulk collection days on your curb? Yard Sale? Sorry.

That said, your last line did really crack me up, so...

Metafilter: Drop $50 on a rubber vagina and give the rest to charity or something.
posted by Peter H at 12:27 PM on October 26, 2004

Ha, bondcliff made a much better pun on the rubber vagina line.
posted by Peter H at 12:30 PM on October 26, 2004

If I were John Ashcroft, I'd be pissed because this guy didn't have to pay for one of his in this evaluation.

But if they ward off cases of necrophilia, sobeit.
I only see images of crime scenes when I look at them.

$5,000 on a sex toy? I suppose this is the same market as people who take trips to Thailand for the same purpose, no?

Also, being in NYC, I can't help but wonder where one would store such a thing...
posted by Busithoth at 12:32 PM on October 26, 2004

Seed of Chucky?
posted by Krrrlson at 12:36 PM on October 26, 2004

I can't imagine the heaviness my soul would have if I shot a load into a mannequin and then immediately dragged it down the hall to rinse my batter out of its crevices.

I once read about people who hump melons, and that's less depressing because you can just throw it out.
posted by Mayor Curley at 12:38 PM on October 26, 2004

Ah, that's way too Allan Alda, dobbs. I think for any sexually confident woman it has her say, "damn that's crazy, all I need is a dildo!"

I don't get the allan alda reference, but whatever.

I don't think these are comparable to dildos. The (fe)male-equiv of the dildo is the fleshlight.
posted by dobbs at 12:47 PM on October 26, 2004

How do you clean these things?

You clean them, right?
posted by xmutex at 12:50 PM on October 26, 2004

I've decided: The links to the Marie Osmond dolls are creepier.

On preview: Mayor Curley is a sauce baron.
posted by loquacious at 12:52 PM on October 26, 2004

ha, dobbs, nice!
and of course, the male equivalent of a vibrator is this

rinse my batter out of its crevices is the Let's get it on
posted by Peter H at 12:55 PM on October 26, 2004

that's is the NEW Let's get it..
posted by Peter H at 1:02 PM on October 26, 2004

What must women think of men when they see shit like this? How sad must it make them feel?
Men talk to Google not girlfriends

for any sexually confident woman it has her say, "damn that's crazy, all I need is a dildo!"
posted by thomcatspike at 1:08 PM on October 26, 2004

$5,000 on a sex toy?

Assuming you have a monogamous relationship with the, um, toy, that is. If you want a little variety, it could end up costing as much as a prostitution habit. Theoretically.

bondcliff wins for funniest one-liner of the day.
posted by psmealey at 1:21 PM on October 26, 2004

You can't ebay it away, certainly.

Guess again.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 1:27 PM on October 26, 2004

I was going to suggest chopping it up and then taking down to the boiler room to throw in the incinerator, but that sounded, y'know, creepy. Once again, ebay, via anonymous auction, saves the day!
posted by psmealey at 1:30 PM on October 26, 2004

Sad. SO sad.

If I was John Ashcroft, err....nevermind.

(mind freezes and siezes up in disgust).
posted by Skygazer at 1:47 PM on October 26, 2004

If you remove the eyeball, you may find a seam around the edge halfway back.

That lapse of detail may prove offputting to that all-important skullfuck demographic.
posted by alumshubby at 1:51 PM on October 26, 2004

"damn that's crazy, all I need is a dildo!"

Well, RealDoll is making a Male version(nsfw) so there must be a demand...
posted by Tenuki at 2:11 PM on October 26, 2004

I think that's a demand for more closetted ideas, and still for men I'd reckin, Tenuki. They also offer a shemale.
posted by Peter H at 2:17 PM on October 26, 2004

I don't know... I kind of want one, to dress up in outfits I’m not wearing. (But not everyday clothes.. special outfits for dress-up) Like a conversation piece that’s more attractive than a dressmaker’s stand.
posted by Lizc at 3:23 PM on October 26, 2004

I dunno, after spending the last 6 years trying to date in Los Angeles, one of these might be a relief. Hell of a lot cheaper than blowing $50K on a used Benz and another $20K per year on clothes, fancy watch, trendy haircut and drinks... and then lying thru your teeth to get laid like a lot of guys seem to do here.
posted by zoogleplex at 5:46 PM on October 26, 2004

Who the hell would buy a nasty, used Realdoll on ebay? Yech...
posted by clevershark at 6:11 PM on October 26, 2004

Superbabe looks like a drag queen.
posted by jennyb at 6:53 PM on October 26, 2004

I think that "uncanny valley" theory really explains the reaction well... although i don't know how "uncanny" the valley is. It's kind of upsetting to imagine that we can get most of what we need without actually interacting with other human beings.

Those dolls look pretty real (even kind of titillating, I'll admit), don't have whatever physical faults a real lover will, won't talk back etc, and won't take up a lot of time in your life like a real relationship does. And like people are saying, "they're just sex toys" so it's not that hard to imagine them becoming more normal. Which I can't find a direct reason to oppose, except that I find it kind of sad that there's yet another way that people are isolated from one another
posted by mdn at 7:49 PM on October 26, 2004

Which I can't find a direct reason to oppose, except that I find it kind of sad that there's yet another way that people are isolated from one another.

Of course it's sad, but the dolls aren't the ones doing the isolating — nobody, I suspect, is saying, "Sorry, honey, but it just won't work out between us — I've got a Realdoll now." People will be isolated with or without prosthetic companionship.

Let the lonely of the world get their kicks where they may, I say.
posted by IshmaelGraves at 9:01 PM on October 26, 2004

Yeah, but maybe instead it's, "Sorry, honey, but it just won't work out between us — you have stretch marks and emotional needs and problematic fingernails."
posted by transona5 at 9:07 PM on October 26, 2004

Superbabe looks like a drag queen.

Damn you, jennyb. I read all the way down here thinking I would be the first to say so.
posted by coelecanth at 10:02 PM on October 26, 2004

Yeah, but maybe instead it's, "Sorry, honey, but it just won't work out between us — you have stretch marks and emotional needs and problematic fingernails."

And a tongue.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 4:56 AM on October 27, 2004

Yeah, that removable tongue really stumped me. Is this a cleanliness factor? Do tongues get in the way? Inquiring minds want to know!

Perhaps by removing the tongue, you save it from getting torn during certain sexual activities. This enables you to restore it for other activities-- which would mean you could French kiss Realdoll, but not Superbabe.

And when I say "you" I mean anybody but me.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 10:53 AM on October 27, 2004

Well, RealDoll is making a Male version(nsfw) so there must be a demand...

I'm betting that this is marketed for gay men, not straight women.

On the other hand, you could put a channel changer in his hand and pretend you have a boyfriend on your couch!

Realdolls and all their kin creep me out in a way that I'm not even going to bother to parse to closely, and I can't be open-minded about-- a rubber vagina is one thing: nobody pretends that it actually resembles a person or could have something like a personality. Like I said, I don't want to parse it too closely, but I'd never trust a man who owned one, or even found himself interested in trying one out, and I think it's the implication that a Realdoll could meet someone's needs by providing some simulation of intimacy. A vibrator is just a vibrator; but a Realdoll is a simulacrum of a woman. As a woman myself, it repluses me, and that's just the way it is.
posted by jokeefe at 12:31 PM on October 27, 2004

Oy. 'repulses'.
posted by jokeefe at 12:32 PM on October 27, 2004

I dunno, if I had dot.com levels of money and was still living my weird "artist in a warehouse" lifestyle...I would probably have one, just to have one draped over a rafter looking down at the party. But I've always been fascinated by dolls...even as a kid I thought they were deliciously creepy...and the realdoll is just the epitome of that creep factor. (The other doll is just hideous.)

Except...when I had a warehouse downtown, we had parties where the band and various other drunk friends would end up crashing there...and you know one of these wouldn't be safe around the drummers...
posted by dejah420 at 6:28 PM on October 27, 2004

People will be isolated with or without prosthetic companionship... Let the lonely of the world get their kicks where they may, I say.

yeah, I can understand that rationally. I guess there are a few things -
1. makes me more aware of how lonely some people are.

2. bothers me that some lonely people would find this a suitable solution, ie, it wouldn't just make them feel even more extraordinarily lonely...

3. possibility that if this were normalized it would make some people settle for it/think it was just a normal way to be sexually satisfied. It may seem unjustifed (and may be) to imagine anyone would change their attitude that much, but normativity really does make a difference, and having relationships isn't necessarily something everyone knows how to do or enjoy right away - some people have to go through a few false starts before they really understand how much love can change your life.

Anyway. Just some thoughts; could just be a general feeling of creepiness, especially being female myself.
posted by mdn at 7:26 PM on October 27, 2004