I feel a little restless

November 10, 2004 12:22 PM

This guy is such a dog. Misogyny, probably NSFW.
posted by xowie (55 comments total)

Hm. Diary of a Sex Addict is more like it. Sounds as if he might not hit rock bottom until someone catches him screwing 70 year old prostitutes behind the bowling alley.
posted by psmealey at 12:28 PM on November 10, 2004

It's one thing to be chronically unfaithful. It's quite another to brag about it. And it's disgusting to brag about it with such a pretentious prose style.

The guy's unremarkable in so many ways. There are millions of cheating cads and millions of bad writers. Combine the two, and there's still probably a million people just like him.
posted by Mayor Curley at 12:41 PM on November 10, 2004

I don't know. I kind of find it interesting that he feels guilty about his behavior yet does nothing to change it.

Did I say "interesting?" I meant "pathetic."
posted by Epenthesis at 12:44 PM on November 10, 2004

I read this yesterday, and it just rang false. . .that's not necessarily bad, except it wasn't fun to read. Whatever the intent may have been, it was lost on me.
posted by rainbaby at 1:24 PM on November 10, 2004

I currently have 17 pictures of my cock loaded on my web server. The first one was taken by my girlfriend as I reluctantly posed in her bed.

I always wondered what kinds of guys did this, having been the recipient of a few too many of these cock-laden emails in the past, before I took some of the (not even that great) pictures of myself off my web site. "rare level of chumpy immaturity" indeed!
posted by jessamyn at 1:34 PM on November 10, 2004

rainbaby -- Yeah. The only part I believe is that his wife divorced him. The rest sounds like the tired, sad fantasies of a worthless, hapless, hopeless, old guy.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 1:35 PM on November 10, 2004

"If she's trying to make me jealous, I'll fuck her mom."

Dude, that never works.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 1:38 PM on November 10, 2004

Sometimes I wish I were this guy. Other times not so much.

When I was playing in bands there was a bit of this, though nowhere near this extent... I was too busy actually practicing, playing, writing and recording music (plus working a day job) to juggle women like that. I guess (assuming we take this at face value) this guy's writing gig pays him enough for very little work that he can spend 80% of his time juggling.

Sigh.
posted by zoogleplex at 1:56 PM on November 10, 2004

You bet. I know when women online demand to see a picture of my penis, I always charge at least $25.
posted by sacre_bleu at 1:58 PM on November 10, 2004

Yuck!

And people tell me I'm too picky when it comes to men. Frankly, with men like that out there, I feel I can't be too fastidious.
posted by orange swan at 2:03 PM on November 10, 2004

Yuck!
can't be too fastidious.
His mistresses sounld like they're fast than fastidious.
posted by thomcatspike at 2:12 PM on November 10, 2004

Unless Jude Law wrote this, or some guy who at least half-way looks like Jude Law, and with his charm, not to mention bucks, the guy's full of shit.

And do people still say "mistress," I mean outside the context of BDSM? Maybe they do, but it sounds so quaint, especially for a self-labeled, triflin' man and a serial philanderer... sociopathic pig-dick... infantile, trashy rapscallion... who feels all ghetto...

Yeeesh. I could see where this must drive grown women ga-ga. (Personally, I hope I never run into him or his dick pics. Please don't e-mail them to me. Please. Don't. Please...?)
posted by jellybuzz at 2:45 PM on November 10, 2004

Sure, none of us are as bad as the guy in the article, but how many of you are guilty of lies and infidelity on some level? Maybe you flirt online, or with co-workers, or maybe you are somehow less than 100% faithful or 100% honest with your partners...

I'm in a situation where I am married to a woman I have been in a relationship with for over 15 years. During that time, we both have cheated on each other. It nearly ended our relationship.

I met a married woman online about a year ago, who lives a couple hundred miles away... We arranged to meet the next time she found herself in the area, and we immediately hit it off. Despite the distance and the fact that we're both married, we still manage to see each other about once every other week or so.

My girlfriend's marriage has become increasingly strained over the course of the last year, mostly for reasons that existed before I ever came into the picture. Just a few days ago, my girlfriend's husband gave her an ultimatum... him or me. As a result, they're seperating and she and I will be moving in together in February.

The idea of my girlfriend and I moving in together wasn't mine, however. It was my wife's idea. We're all polyamorous, my wife and girlfriend have long since become good friends, everybody knew clearly from the start what was going on... and I suspect we're going to need a larger place sometime in the near future.
posted by insomnia_lj at 2:53 PM on November 10, 2004

lame.

So, the author was just trying to emulate a well-read, sociapathic 13-year old trying to come to terms his puberty?

still range false.

on preview, I take it back.

Metafilter: If you squint real hard, you can pretend you're reading penthouse letters
posted by Busithoth at 3:03 PM on November 10, 2004

insomnia. wow. just. wow.

different strokes for different folks, as they say.
posted by ashbury at 3:03 PM on November 10, 2004

nah, this is all real, i'm sure ... the only unusual part of it is that he's telling the world about it

anyone who goes back to him knows what she's getting into ... and probably is doing the same to him

isn't it amazing how it never occurs to him that they could be cheating, too?
posted by pyramid termite at 3:07 PM on November 10, 2004

I don't care what the guy does, but his attitude about it certainly sucks. I second the "pathetic" from above.

but how many of you are guilty of lies and infidelity on some level?

Not me.
posted by rushmc at 3:09 PM on November 10, 2004

Yuck!!

And people wonder why I'm a lesbian!
posted by bas67 at 3:14 PM on November 10, 2004

This guy has probably contracted so many STDs that he's unable to procreate, so I suppose we should be thankful for that.
posted by psmealey at 3:18 PM on November 10, 2004

If it isn't bullshit and women really are falling all over this creep, all I can say is there is no accounting for taste.

And insomnia_lj, the relevant phrase is "everybody knew clearly from the start what was going on". Doesn't really describe whats going on here. This guy is sleeping around as a way of asserting his dominance over the women in his life, and it mostly strikes me as very very sad.
posted by arha at 3:20 PM on November 10, 2004

And, as far as that goes, I made a decision when I met my wife-to-be not to lie anymore. It had bit me enough in past relationships that I decided it was time to try something new.
posted by Samizdata at 3:31 PM on November 10, 2004

"The idea of my girlfriend and I moving in together wasn't mine, however. It was my wife's idea."

Now you're just bragging.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:36 PM on November 10, 2004

Is Lucius Allred his real name? If it is, I wonder if he'll have trouble getting dates in the future. Maybe he's related to feminist lawyer Gloria Allred and he's acting out like this as a kind of rebellion.

The only hit I can find for "Lucius Allred" is that article. If that's not his real name and the "edgy" New York Press didn't even mention it was a pseudonym, they are truly gutless. And complicit in the spread of who knows what STDs.
posted by transona5 at 3:40 PM on November 10, 2004

And do people still say "mistress," I mean outside the context of BDSM?

I noticed that in the news reports of the Scott Peterson trial, they keep referring to Amber Frey as his "mistress," which seems silly to me. She thought she was dating a single guy.
posted by JanetLand at 3:49 PM on November 10, 2004

And, as far as that goes, I made a decision when I met my wife-to-be not to lie anymore.

Good call. The guy might be a bit pretentious, but this part of the article is dead-on accurate.

told her the truth, which is that my hyper pet dog had scratched me. But jealous girlfriend wasn't buying it, so she bit me some more.

In my long years of cheating, I've found that when a woman suspects you, she's usually right. Yet when she's absolutely certain, she's almost always wrong. I once had a girlfriend who found a pair of panties under our couch cushions, and—whatever God is out there can strike me dead if I'm lying—I had no idea whose they were or how they got there.

posted by wah at 3:49 PM on November 10, 2004

the relevant phrase is "everybody knew clearly from the start what was going on". Doesn't really describe whats going on here.

Of course it doesn't describe the author of the link in question. He's clearly deceitful and pathetic. That wasn't my point, however.

My comment described what was seemingly another act of destructive betrayal, but I made it clear at the end that it wasn't destructive, but honest and open. A relationship fell apart, but on good terms, with something else of value created in the process. A home, albeit an unconventional one.

Practically everyone is dishonest in relationships and about their interest in others, and yet we accept this as standard behavior. If you zoom back a bit, you'll see that most people are serial monogamists, who go from one relationship to another numerous times in their life, often under less-than-noble circumstances. Play most people's lovelife on fast forward and it starts to uncomfortably resemble the guy in the FPP link. We ridicule the excesses of lies and betrayal in others, while absolving ourselves of a milder form of complicity.

The best solution is honesty and communication.

That doesn't mean that all your relationships will last forever, if you're a better communicator. Things change. People grow apart. New attachments form. That said, honesty and communication does help relationships significantly, and can minimize the fallout when a relationship does end.

In the case of my girlfriend's marriage, they have the makings of really good friends, even though they have fundamental differences that make them less-than-ideal as life partners. Her husband expects to feel hurt for several months, but hopes that the two of them can be good friends in the future. I hope so too.
posted by insomnia_lj at 3:58 PM on November 10, 2004

Sigh.

Sometimes I think I'm just a plain ol' freak.

I've had exactly one lover in my life. We've been together for coming up eighteen or so years. We're still madly in love with each other. I've no desire for anything else.

Like I said, I'm a freak.
posted by five fresh fish at 4:03 PM on November 10, 2004

Now you're just bragging.

Heh. You caught me!

Trust me. If you ever want to be tickled pink and have nothing to say, you should watch the two women you love most in the world have a friendly discussion together on how they'll work together to share your time and make you a very happy person.

One of them will apparently share a room with me on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. The other gets Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.

The joke was that on Sundays, we'll share. Oh blessed day...!
posted by insomnia_lj at 4:04 PM on November 10, 2004

"I've had exactly one lover in my life. We've been together for coming up eighteen or so years. We're still madly in love with each other. I've no desire for anything else."

Consider yourself lucky. Most people aren't wired that way. Sometimes, I wish I *was* wired that way. Really.
posted by insomnia_lj at 4:06 PM on November 10, 2004

I've had exactly one lover in my life. We've been together for coming up eighteen or so years. We're still madly in love with each other. I've no desire for anything else.

Like I said, I'm a freak.

---

No, like insomnia_lj, you are one of the lucky freaks.

;-)
posted by wah at 4:13 PM on November 10, 2004

About this guy and his fantasies, or whatever this article is supposed to be, no comment. But whether or not it's true that most people (not just men) may think about wandering, there's a big difference between having those feelings and how you handle them and if you choose to act on them. I'm not polyamorous, but kudos to insomnia_lj and his partners.

Okay, one comment about Mr. Hound Dog. Mid-life crisis run amok, I'd say. His pride in his self-admitted patheticness is just beyond creepy; if he's going to run wild bonking legions of women, fine, but that he doesn't seem to be able to manage it without the frission of betrayal is repulsively immature. And I sure hope he's keeping the local condom store in business.
posted by jokeefe at 4:31 PM on November 10, 2004

A lurker emailed me to insist that this article was written by a "Jim Goad".

I haven't bothered to verify the claim, 'cause I'm all about the unattributed speculation.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:42 PM on November 10, 2004

I made sure she knew about all the mentally unstable literary groupies who'd been batting their eyelashes at me.

Oh Lord. Please. As transona5 says:

The only hit I can find for "Lucius Allred" is that article. If that's not his real name and the "edgy" New York Press didn't even mention it was a pseudonym, they are truly gutless. And complicit in the spread of who knows what STDs.

So is this guy some famous literary figure, then? This is hysterical.

My suspicion is that this article has something to do with the opening of the movie 'Alfie'; I've already seen a few related 'thought pieces' in the local press ('Can women be Alfies?', etc.) And it still doesn't ring true: does this guy really revel in his emotional poverty and lust for power in the way he says? Whatever. I'm not wired that way myself-- I've never broken an agreement of monogamy, and never found monogamy, sexual faithfullness, in itself to be confining or burdensome.
posted by jokeefe at 4:47 PM on November 10, 2004

Jim Goad, eh?

I am a man of action. A man of intrigue. A master of deception and subterfuge. A schemer and a conniver. A lover and a cheater. A killer and a healer. Your best friend and your worst enemy. America's Most Wanted and a goddamned VIP. An international playboy and a financial double-crosser. Purveyor of rare gems, fine furs, precious metals, and shoulder-mounted rocket launchers. Defender of the weak and needy, prosecutor of the strong and corrupt.

I call the shots and I roll the dice. It takes one phone call to either save or end your life.

The women want to suck my dick. The men, they want to suck my dick, too.

Be nice to me, or suffer the consequences.

Because I...

...am a man of action.

Comedy gold!

He's the author of Trucker Fags, btw.
posted by jokeefe at 4:49 PM on November 10, 2004

Jim Goad

Should have known!
posted by jessamyn at 5:03 PM on November 10, 2004

fff, no, you are not a freak. You are truly loved and truly love in return. That might make you a rarity, but not a freak.

How can such empty self-obsessed overheated drivel like this compare? You get soup when you're sick. You get forgiven when you screw up. You get desired when you have unfortunate hair and understood when you are comprehensible to no one else, and you will have that all the days of your life you get to share with her.

I hope I have eighteen years and all the rest of them I live with the one I love too.
posted by melissa may at 5:17 PM on November 10, 2004

And my horribly emotive opus on infidelity (I do this thing where I cheat on all my girlfriends) will soon appear under a pseudonym...to save my ass...in a relatively large East Coast publication.

From Goad's blog. I would call that confirmation. And the site's the monument to egotism one might expect; he has mp3s of the messages his ex-girlfriend left on his machine, that sort of thing.
posted by jokeefe at 5:46 PM on November 10, 2004

Is Lucius Allred his real name? If it is, I wonder if he'll have trouble getting dates in the future.

no and no ... it sounds like something jim goad would write ... and i bet the paper's gotten at least a couple of emails from women who would like to be new girlfriends

people are funny that way
posted by pyramid termite at 7:15 PM on November 10, 2004

Wow, that Jim Goad's one helluva guy. I liked his gallery section, in particular "Photos of me beating a woman." Just a class act, all the way.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 7:54 PM on November 10, 2004

Whatever...whoever wrote it, it's bullshit.
posted by bingo at 8:02 PM on November 10, 2004

Yeah, I call bullshit on it too.
posted by dejah420 at 9:17 PM on November 10, 2004

And I was starting to think, "Are all guys secretly like this?" Now that it turns out to be most likely the work of one of the only professional misogynists in the country, I feel much, much better.
posted by transona5 at 10:22 PM on November 10, 2004

insomnia_lj:

If your wife and girlfriend really start getting along better, please purchase a king bed. That worked for me and my boyfriend and our girlfriend for quite some time. :) Make sure you have another bed so there can be couple time as well, but a nice bed big enough for three people is heavenly. It's so nice to wake up with someone you love on your left and on your right...unlike anything else in the world.

I wish you the best!
posted by u.n. owen at 10:43 PM on November 10, 2004

Insomnia_lj and fff are both lucky bastards. Anyone who can give and receive pleasure is a lucky bastard. Was I supposed to think this guy is a lucky bastard? I don't. Nor am I particularly disgusted, because I don't believe it.

Love NYP, Jim Knipfel is my god, and I've read other fantstical-type articles there that were fun and interesting, but this just didn't work for me.
posted by rainbaby at 6:18 AM on November 11, 2004

Very interesting responses. My great-great grandparents couldn't do better. Did it ever occur to you all that this is just a story (with quite a bit of self-sarcasm in it)? And where is the misogyny? The guy in the story is deffinitely non-uxorious (attracted to more than one woman, not stuck), but far from hating them (hates getting stuck with just one of them, but doesn't hate women per se). And why are you all getting red cheeked hearing someone screws around and probably getting a lot more than you do? How about having sex for fun, as a game, with as many partners as possible? Why someone like that is considered vile while someone who avoids getting any is not? And to coclude, I fear someone who is not getting laid a lot more than someone who gets a fair bit. There!
posted by acrobat at 8:15 AM on November 11, 2004

"Conclude" or "cocklude" but not coclude. Sorry...
posted by acrobat at 8:19 AM on November 11, 2004

Jim Goad is my hero and role model. And probably the best satirist working today, and among the 3 or 4 best writers to arise from the "zine" explosion of the early 90's.
posted by jonmc at 8:25 AM on November 11, 2004

How about having sex for fun, as a game, with as many partners as possible?

If that were in fact so, that would be fine.

There are several reasons why I cheat.

Sex. Boredom. Spite. Ego.

He admits that what he is doing is treacherous, dishonest and base (he calls it "cheating", he hides the evidence of his trysts, and he does it out of spite... Spite!), and yet continues anyway. That's what makes a man a spineless piece of shit.

Fact or fiction, who knows? I have met a number of people that behave exactly like this to be inclined to believe it's the former. But, it does make me sad that someone would glorify such a miserable excuse for a human being in the name of "more power to him".
posted by psmealey at 8:27 AM on November 11, 2004

Also, his language is that of an addict who is in denial of a serious problem. That's not exactly commendable either.
posted by psmealey at 8:40 AM on November 11, 2004

And why are you all getting red cheeked hearing someone screws around and probably getting a lot more than you do?

I think that question answers itself, dude.
posted by jonmc at 8:43 AM on November 11, 2004

The root of the problem is the non-consensual nature of his actions.

This discussion has been had before on MeFi. I distinctly remember making this same sort of comment a couple years ago.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:22 AM on November 11, 2004

Hey acrobat, don't be so quick to assume jealousy. True, many monogamous relationships get stultified. But the CostCo principle also applies too: bulk sex does not necessarily equal quality sex. Wholesale rejection of either behavior doesn't work for me -- it's very much a case by case judgment.

psmealy got the the point: I don't care if you have a sexual history that stacks to the moon, but if you're a conniving shitheel to acheive it, that's repulsive.

I doubt your great grandparents, Cotton and Patience Acrobat, quite share my reasoning on these points, but if you don't automatically assume that monogamy = puritanism or bad sex, I won't automatically assume that promiscuity = conniving shitheelism. Not that I ever actually did.
posted by melissa may at 11:36 AM on November 11, 2004

Wow. The softer more sensitive side of Jim Goad. This is a puff piece compared to what he usually writes. If there is any truth to it I think it has a lot to do with the narcissistic arty circles Goad travels in. He is supposedly a bastard in real life and where the line is separating reality and the uber-misogynist abusive persona is hard to distinguish. Which is the great transgressionists trick anyway along with inciting a response at any cost. I say it's mostly true supercharged a bit for maximum offensiveness with a spike going to the heart of the inherent s/m pathologies that drive and inform sex and romance on one level or another. Meaning ole Goad needs this drama as much as his various mistresses do. Interesting shit though.

Way to go fff and insomnia. Whatever floats your respective boats.
posted by Skygazer at 12:32 PM on November 11, 2004

The thing I don't understand is why Jim Goad needed a pseudonym to "save [his] ass," considering what he has published under his real name. Maybe he was worried it would make him look wimpy because it mentions only cheating on, not beating, women?

He's written a number of things for the Press, so I guess I should have known. And perhaps it was they who suggested the pseud - to lend legitimacy to this viewpoint by not associating it with Goad. If the piece were written by an unknown, the unacknowledged pseud would be cowardly of the Press - as it is, it's cowardly and completely dishonest.
posted by transona5 at 12:34 PM on November 11, 2004

i read the article and at first thought it was sort of funny and then just ghastly.

i wish the women would all just gang up on him instead of catfighting. he's the one at fault and he's no prize.
posted by sdn at 7:42 AM on November 18, 2004