just in time for thanksgiving!

November 18, 2004 2:36 PM

Cooking with Cum. It's been a long time since I've been to a site that rendered me (almost) speechless.
posted by adampsyche (129 comments total)

Mmmm.. chowda
posted by swift at 2:41 PM on November 18, 2004

this just in
posted by Pretty_Generic at 2:42 PM on November 18, 2004

.
posted by stet at 2:43 PM on November 18, 2004

This is why I'm always concerned about eating out.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:44 PM on November 18, 2004

*blink*

*blink*

....well, that's interesting....
posted by zarq at 2:45 PM on November 18, 2004

Don't forget to check out Grandpop's buffalo wing recipe!
posted by adampsyche at 2:47 PM on November 18, 2004

Rule of conduct # 6: No offensive, insulting, profane or vulgar remarks are allowed. Just don't do it...This is a tasteful site about cooking with semen, not a forum to discuss crude sexual fantasies or experiences.

Wow.
posted by idest at 2:47 PM on November 18, 2004

I don't know what left me more speechless...that horrific link or Farah Fawcett's awful plastic surgery
posted by Hands of Manos at 2:50 PM on November 18, 2004

stet, I see your . and raise you .
posted by Robot Johnny at 2:50 PM on November 18, 2004

Is this safe for vegans?
posted by AlexReynolds at 2:50 PM on November 18, 2004

Wow, indeed.
posted by adampsyche at 2:51 PM on November 18, 2004

Pretty_Generic: did you notice in that article that the deputy chief medical officer for the American Cancer Society is named Dr. Lictepeen?

No wonder he's all for licking de peen.
posted by papercake at 2:52 PM on November 18, 2004

It is chock full o' protein, and maybe good for the skin?. ; >
posted by amberglow at 2:52 PM on November 18, 2004

Sweet merciful crap, there are images.
posted by adampsyche at 2:53 PM on November 18, 2004

Isn't fellatio still classed as sodomy in North Carolina, where that study linked by P_G is being conducted?
posted by dash_slot- at 2:55 PM on November 18, 2004

Mmm... White Russians... *cough*
posted by AlexReynolds at 2:58 PM on November 18, 2004

cum on guys, quit jerkin' around.
posted by NationalKato at 2:58 PM on November 18, 2004

I read recently (in Harper's, I think) that someone was recently discovered to be freezing his semen and placing small amounts of it in ice cubes and serving it at dinner parties. I'm not sure for what reason, and I don't know how he was discovered, but I've been waiting to use that particular bit of information for weeks.
posted by The God Complex at 3:00 PM on November 18, 2004

You know, it's not often that a vegan can get an animal's protein with the animal's express permission, so...uh...it would seem...that...surf's up?

I've heard of vegan women frying up their own placentas as a special meal full of magick, so. You know. Bon appetit.

With your permission, of course.

Now look: my dinner of goulash and cream of mushroom soup is positively ruined. Sigh...
posted by Sticherbeast at 3:01 PM on November 18, 2004

Is semen on the Atkins diet?
posted by naxosaxur at 3:02 PM on November 18, 2004

Funny, cookingwithpoop.com doesn't seem to be registered yet. Same thing for cookingwithboogers.com.

This is nasty. Just when I think we're at the bottom of the barrel, someone comes along and kicks the bottom out and there's another million planes of hell to descend through.

Thanks adampysche, I needed a good solid whack of surreality.

And am I the only one with an image of a chef jacking off into his chowder? Now I'm not the only one.
posted by fenriq at 3:03 PM on November 18, 2004

Is semen on the Atkins diet?

I doubt it. Too much sugar.
posted by Kimberly at 3:04 PM on November 18, 2004

Plus, if and when the study shows that there are health benefits to fellatio...what do we tell the children?
posted by dash_slot- at 3:06 PM on November 18, 2004

I've been waiting for years to mention that I, too, have heard of women frying up placentas. Also, Placenta Plus.
posted by swift at 3:07 PM on November 18, 2004

Holy Christ, Adampsyche.....someone just jizzed all over a Snickers bar?!
posted by LushMojo at 3:07 PM on November 18, 2004

...
posted by neckro23 at 3:09 PM on November 18, 2004

if and when the study shows that there are health benefits to fellatio

There has been evidence presented of semen's anti-depressant properties.

previously discussed here
posted by nails at 3:10 PM on November 18, 2004 [1 favorite]

"I doubt it. Too much sugar."
posted by matteo at 3:14 PM on November 18, 2004

There once was a baker of Nottingham
Who, when making eclairs, would put snot in 'em.
When he ran out of snot
He would, like as not,
Take his pecker and jack off a shot in 'em.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:15 PM on November 18, 2004

This is a tasteful site about cooking with semen...

That's debatable. But hey, if man juice makes you nervous, try goat semen instead!
posted by Miss Bitchy Pants at 3:16 PM on November 18, 2004

Study debunked.

Aww...
posted by dash_slot- at 3:17 PM on November 18, 2004

Oh lordy, lordy, lordy...
posted by flashboy at 3:20 PM on November 18, 2004

Fellatio is indeed still a felony in North Carolina, but many expect it to be ruled unconstitutional under Lawrence v. Texas as soon as the North Carolina Court of Appeals or North Carolina Supreme Court get hold of it. Many jurisdictions have stopped charging the offense in anticipation of the ruling.

Interestingly enough, because of the way the prostitution statute in North Carolina is written, it is not illegal to give a blowjob for money (assuming Lawrence v. Texas renders the current sodomy law unconstitutional). It is already clearly legal to give a handjob for money here.

That reminds me, I have a business to open...
posted by flarbuse at 3:20 PM on November 18, 2004

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?

You know she'll swallow.
posted by orange clock at 3:21 PM on November 18, 2004

Wasn't sure before, but now I'm glad I waited all this time, and spent the 5 bucks to sign on.
posted by drpynchon at 3:22 PM on November 18, 2004

Mmmm.. chowda

It's been a long time since I've read a comment that actually nauseated me.


In other news, we NOW KNOW who Thomas Pynchon is! He's USER #18316!!!
posted by scarabic at 3:24 PM on November 18, 2004

Roast Placenta Recipe. Here. There's also a good one for Placenta Lasagna somewhere . . .
posted by jfwlucy at 3:24 PM on November 18, 2004 [1 favorite]

can't stop laughing or cringing
posted by keli at 3:25 PM on November 18, 2004

There once was a fellow I knowed
Who'd make hot cocoa when it snowed
Said he, "Shall I put cream in?"
And then innocent-seemin'
He'd pour from his creamer a load.
posted by swift at 3:27 PM on November 18, 2004

"Baked Beans with a Milk of Mankind swirl"?

Thanks, Flashboy. Every time I think I'm over it something new pops up.
posted by idest at 3:34 PM on November 18, 2004

scarabic,

You'd think my luddite side would keep me from a place like this. But ultimately it's a decision between the isolation from genuine human contact that the internet obliges and missing out on a delicious recipe for Cinnamon CumBuns.

The choice is obvious.
posted by drpynchon at 3:36 PM on November 18, 2004

Sweet merciful crap

Yes, indeed, I do think that would be more disgusting but I'm not sure what else.
posted by Peter H at 3:37 PM on November 18, 2004

This doesn't appeal to me at all. Some things are just better straight from the tap.
posted by me & my monkey at 3:38 PM on November 18, 2004

There once was a baker of Nottingham...

Thanks, crash. Really.

Now I'll never be able to eat an eclair in this damn town again.

*cries*
posted by Katemonkey at 3:40 PM on November 18, 2004

Remember that commercial with the guy finally reaching the "end of the Internet?" That's how I feel right now. There's no need for Metafilter to exist after this post.
posted by swift at 3:42 PM on November 18, 2004

Breast of the web?
posted by waldo at 3:42 PM on November 18, 2004

There has been evidence presented of semen's anti-depressant properties.

For the giver or reciever of the semen?
posted by fenriq at 3:42 PM on November 18, 2004

Oh my...
posted by yodelingisfun at 3:43 PM on November 18, 2004

Don't forget fish. Milt, anyone?
posted by 445supermag at 3:51 PM on November 18, 2004

I *HAVE* to share a quick TRUE story. First hand account. A friend of mine who is female took her first ever job at Kentucky Fried Chicken as a teenager. The job lasted one day. When we asked her later why that was, she told a story. A story about bored young male employess jerking it into the mashed potatoes. A LOT. And then serving it with glee to the cars in the drive thru. She happened upon the 'adding to the batter' as it were - appalled, she quit her first day. Its a great story when she tells it, and I have NEVER eaten KFC mashed potatoes since.
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 3:57 PM on November 18, 2004

" Breast of the web?"
muzwhwhwhahahahahahah!!! genius.
posted by Sijeka at 4:00 PM on November 18, 2004

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
posted by mervin_shnegwood at 4:07 PM on November 18, 2004

From adampsyche's link about c*m and Baileys, one poster writes "I hate Baileys."

okay.
posted by stevil at 4:09 PM on November 18, 2004

I happen to have eaten a semen-omelette once and it was quite good. Small, but good.
posted by kika at 4:11 PM on November 18, 2004

um
posted by Peter H at 4:21 PM on November 18, 2004

I vote kika's profile for most interesting choice of comments in a three year period.
posted by Peter H at 4:23 PM on November 18, 2004

I hate for this to be my first comment, but....
at least this is healthier than this. I'm still a little freaked by this link though.
posted by exlotuseater at 4:31 PM on November 18, 2004

I'd say my $5 is worth it for this recipebook alone. Thanks, MeFi!
posted by AlexReynolds at 4:43 PM on November 18, 2004

Oh, but kika, it isn't the size that matters.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:53 PM on November 18, 2004

Now this is a great post.

I hereby offer my contribution. Cum can taste good if you eat the right foods/supplements.

You're welcum.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:03 PM on November 18, 2004 [1 favorite]

can't stop laughing AND cringing

anyway, I hope all these delicacies get the proper labelling: "May contain traces of nuts"
posted by blogenstock at 5:04 PM on November 18, 2004 [1 favorite]

Civil_Disobedient- drinking fruit juice has much the same effect, esp. pineapple juice. Citrus fruits good, Dairy products bad. As a side note, I reread the thread and all I could think about was "anyone want to help stuff the turkey this year?" wrong on so many levels.
posted by exlotuseater at 5:14 PM on November 18, 2004

I'd prefer my Gourmet to be of the Frugal as opposed to Galloping variety with regards to these recipes.
posted by FYKshun at 5:18 PM on November 18, 2004

dinner will never be the same for me again. thanks guys.
posted by gnutron at 5:19 PM on November 18, 2004

I tried in vain to find the previous mefi post on that product, Civil_Disobedient. I seem to remember some creative flavor suggestions offered.
posted by adampsyche at 5:20 PM on November 18, 2004

Wow, some of my favorite recipes all jazzed up.
posted by jefbla at 5:30 PM on November 18, 2004

Yeah, I couldn't find it in the MeFi/Google search, but luckily I bookmarked it a long time ago.

Did I say that out loud?
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:39 PM on November 18, 2004

Gosh, I hope all the new registrations don't bring down the quality of FPP's on the blue.
posted by availablelight at 5:54 PM on November 18, 2004

Indeed, this is a massive step down from my Cum Vs. Moisturizer post.
posted by Stan Chin at 5:59 PM on November 18, 2004

I've been waiting for three ridiculous years for signups to come back so I could comment with you intelligent, witty people, and this... THIS is my first comment. Dear lord. Anyway, I suppose I should jump right and and say:

jefbla, don't you mean "jizzed up"?

*sigh, i feel dirty.
posted by socratic at 6:03 PM on November 18, 2004

BrodieShadeTree: You mean there were multiple conspirators?

My question is, how do several guys willing to do that all end up on the same job? :P
posted by abcde at 6:14 PM on November 18, 2004

"I can't believe it's not butter!"
posted by spinifex23 at 6:16 PM on November 18, 2004

I remember Sweet Release, remember it well...

*staring lightly towards the ceiling, drifts into reminiscinces (is that a word)


seriously though, i worked for a internet distribution company (Digital River) and I remember a day when a handful of reprensentatives and supervisors of the call center were brought back into the secret meeting room to be informed that we would be carrying this product and told we may have to field calls regarding it's use.

Now those were some memorable product testing days.

*Folds hands behind head, shifts crotch in chair with a motion of utter satisfaction, stares lightly to the ceiling and continues reminiscing

(unzips pants)

I officialy just want too far on my first day as a member. Cum shots all around!!
posted by mic stand at 6:18 PM on November 18, 2004

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
posted by jenovus at 6:29 PM on November 18, 2004

And you say this is your first day as a member?
posted by loquacious at 6:30 PM on November 18, 2004

Special sauce. And baster. Er... make that "blaster."
posted by stinkeye at 6:50 PM on November 18, 2004

Gosh, I hope all the new registrations don't bring down the quality of FPP's on the blue.

Don't worry, I've been making absolute shit front page posts since 7/30/01.
posted by adampsyche at 7:05 PM on November 18, 2004

yeeeeeessss???

member as in penis..hehe

I mean penis, yes, definitely penis.
posted by mic stand at 7:14 PM on November 18, 2004

bukkake clambake, mmmm.

Good name for a (very bad) punk rock band.
posted by Flem Snopes at 7:33 PM on November 18, 2004

I think I'm going to be sick.
posted by thirteenkiller at 7:38 PM on November 18, 2004

I was thinking of Bukkake Clambake as more a ska-surf act, actually.

Or maybe the title of the next Cramps album.
posted by chicobangs at 7:40 PM on November 18, 2004

My link was a fake study, apparently. Damn it.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 7:47 PM on November 18, 2004

"Semen is very nutritious, it has a palatable texture and semen has wonderful cooking properties. Like fine wine or cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is also commonly available in many homes and restaurants and it is inexpensive to produce."

I can't stop laughing.
posted by squeak at 8:08 PM on November 18, 2004

On an only tangentially related note, I just want to say that, a few years ago, my city's Chamber of Commerce thought it would be a great idea to give each business that paid its annual dues a window sticker that said "A Proud Member".

It's bad enough bursting into giggles about the grocery store that declares itself to be "A Proud Member" but it was damn embarrassing when I attended a wake at a funeral parlor that proclaimed its support for the Chamber of Commerce with a prominently displayed sticker...
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:11 PM on November 18, 2004

Thanks BrodieShadeTree for the KFC story.

*claws own eyes out, walks the earth*
posted by marxchivist at 8:20 PM on November 18, 2004

I keep thinking this is just a joke site set up by one person posing as a cummunity of come-lovers.
posted by pmbuko at 8:20 PM on November 18, 2004

It's only fair and appropriate to mention Vegan Porn, where I first came across this. (I love the comment "What about a hair-net sweety?")

And in case anyone is seriously curious about the vegan question, the majority of vegans I know or know of consider it vegan IFF the donor is vegan... and willing.
posted by soyjoy at 8:24 PM on November 18, 2004

Anyone for a Bamana smoothie?


posted by Tommy Gnosis at 8:34 PM on November 18, 2004 [1 favorite]

This doesn't appeal to me at all. Some things are just better straight from the tap.
posted by me & my monkey at 5:38 PM CST on November 18

See, that's just it. If, um, ingestion happens during the course of sex, well, then it's just part of the messy bodily fluid fun of sex. But as soon as sex is over, it all turns to snot, as far as I'm concerned. So to save it... and then cook with it... That's like cooking with loogies.
posted by jennyb at 8:35 PM on November 18, 2004

well, jennyb, but you've never tried my loogie souffle ; >
posted by amberglow at 8:39 PM on November 18, 2004

Guess who's coming on dinner.
posted by emelenjr at 8:41 PM on November 18, 2004

emelenjr wins.
posted by Paddle to Sea at 8:52 PM on November 18, 2004

what, not a single remark on the fact they have a (tossed) salad section?!
posted by ifjuly at 8:54 PM on November 18, 2004

Ugh. Soyjoy, I was looking at the "What about a hair-net sweety?" picture (nsfw, btw) for a good 30 seconds before saying out loud, "Dude! That's a chick!"
posted by billybunny at 9:19 PM on November 18, 2004

This is so immature.

giggle
posted by bdave at 9:26 PM on November 18, 2004

spinifex23: "I can't believe it's nut butter!"
posted by NationalKato at 9:28 PM on November 18, 2004

I don't think I've ever bounced back and forth between fits of laughter and being grossed out as much as I have looking at this site.

And yeah, emelenjr totally wins.
posted by DyRE at 9:39 PM on November 18, 2004

ohgodicantbreathefromlaughingsomuch...
posted by five fresh fish at 9:46 PM on November 18, 2004

muststopcryingamhyperventilatingomg
posted by five fresh fish at 9:56 PM on November 18, 2004

.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:57 PM on November 18, 2004

I have a huge gross out tolerance, y'all. Even goatse doesn't bother me.

This has my stomach churning. I'm sorry but, no, not in the food, for the love of all that is holy.
posted by SuzySmith at 10:19 PM on November 18, 2004

Well, it's been over 100 comments and no one said it...


I've got a great recipe for beef strokinoff.




Thanks everybody, you've been a great audience, I'll be appearing at the Guffawditorium on the 23rd. Good night, drive home safely.
posted by jefbla at 10:33 PM on November 18, 2004

It's the comments (in the FPP link) that are so damn funny. It's a freakin' MUD! And just like the MUDders who get a little too caught up in it all and start wearing a costume in public, I think there are folk in that forum that think they've actually stumbled across a real fetish club that specializes in their fetish!
posted by five fresh fish at 10:54 PM on November 18, 2004

I *HAVE* to share a quick TRUE story. First hand account. A friend of mine who is female took her first ever job at Kentucky Fried Chicken as a teenager. The job lasted one day. When we asked her later why that was, she told a story. A story about bored young male employess

May I just point out that:

1) Your friend's story
2) About her coworker

...is not a "first-hand account" when you tell it to me.

A first hand account would be: "I just spewed on your cole slaw!"
posted by scarabic at 11:05 PM on November 18, 2004

I expect a rash of new pornos starring Betty Crocker, Sarah Lee. . . Jimmy Dean. . .

I will never ever ever ever ever drink a smoothie ever again.

"drinking a smoothie"

I think I just invented a new euphemism.

I'm sorry.
posted by flotson at 11:23 PM on November 18, 2004

Cooking with seamen.
posted by kaseijin at 11:41 PM on November 18, 2004

Oh come on, it *had* to be done sooner or later...
posted by kaseijin at 11:43 PM on November 18, 2004

Waiter, I specifically ordered the RED sauce.
posted by Down10 at 12:55 AM on November 19, 2004

I'm with Suzy Smith. Pictures themselves almost never affect me physically. But just the idea of what has gone into the foods in those pictures makes me gag and cover my mouth.
posted by rustcellar at 1:29 AM on November 19, 2004

I haven't looked at the link. Nor do I intend to. I already feel physically sick. I hate having an overactive imagination.

*hand over mouth, running for the bathroom*
posted by talitha_kumi at 4:00 AM on November 19, 2004

Jizagne...

Snowball Master: Layer a greasey 8 x 10" pan with jizz. Add one layer of noodles, one layer of sauce, one layer of cream cheese, one layer of jizz. Repeat 3 times. Feed to your whole family. Delicious.

Thorny's Mom: I love Italian food.
posted by nthdegx at 4:29 AM on November 19, 2004 [1 favorite]

This has to be my new favorite avatar. It's just so...cheerful.
posted by adampsyche at 4:51 AM on November 19, 2004

I'm surprised that this makes me a little queasy. Theoretically, I think it's a great idea. In practice...well.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 5:02 AM on November 19, 2004

This has to be my new favorite avatar. It's just so...cheerful.

I noticed that too. At first I thought it was Samantha from Bewitched.
posted by swift at 5:12 AM on November 19, 2004

I love it when the very text of an FPP renders the whole MeFi FP NSFW....
posted by lodurr at 5:27 AM on November 19, 2004

I'll never eat another egg white omlette.
posted by zorro astor at 6:24 AM on November 19, 2004

I love it when the very text of an FPP renders the whole MeFi FP NSFW....

Yeah, that's why I decided a NSFW wasn't necessary for the "hairnet sweety" photo. Once you're on a thread about cooking with cum, all bets, in my opinion, are off.
posted by soyjoy at 7:35 AM on November 19, 2004

Metafilter: Even goatse doesn't bother me.
posted by NationalKato at 7:42 AM on November 19, 2004

May I just point out that:

1) Your friend's story
2) About her coworker

...is not a "first-hand account" when you tell it to me.

Oh, that just depends on how you interpret "first-hand," if you know what I mean.
posted by me & my monkey at 10:05 AM on November 19, 2004

Whats more is I just wanted to avoid the whole "yeah yeah urban legend, here is a snopes link" thing... Anyhow, the story involved alot of 'first hands' *cough cough* And yes, according to this story, there were several cumspiritors.
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 10:50 AM on November 19, 2004

A little bit of love in every bite, perhaps?

This lo-carb fad thingy has to end!
posted by mds35 at 10:51 AM on November 19, 2004

The ex-bartender in me recalls this, this, and this one, too. Happy mixing!
posted by mds35 at 11:03 AM on November 19, 2004

Is is kosher?
posted by tank04 at 12:01 PM on November 19, 2004

Brodie: Alas, I've the same tale to tell: persistent rumour that in Prince George, a disgruntled KFC employee was caught wanking into the batter.

Methinks it's as much urban legend as truth.
posted by five fresh fish at 1:43 PM on November 19, 2004

I'm wondering if anyone here has become a member of the above posted site.
posted by Ron at 8:23 PM on November 19, 2004

Am I the only one that wonders how people came up with these recipes? "Wow, this broccoli cheese soup is so good, but it's missing that one little thing...what could it be?"
posted by SisterHavana at 11:29 PM on November 19, 2004 [1 favorite]

I think it's a spoof, myself.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:58 AM on November 20, 2004

Who are you people and what have you done with Metafilter?
posted by grateful at 6:37 PM on November 20, 2004

[runs away laughing, crying]
posted by grateful at 6:38 PM on November 20, 2004