For November we are offering a toy modeled after the penis of an Akita

November 21, 2004 7:34 AM

For November we are offering a toy modeled after the penis of an Akita. This is for you if you've ever wondered what it would be like to have sex with a dolphin, a grizzly bear or even a lion. All anatomically correct - and mostly a little bit frightening. The site is NSFW - unless you are a dildo maker...
posted by mattr (52 comments total)

This gives animal lover a whole new meaning.
posted by Flamingo at 7:40 AM on November 21, 2004

This is the stuff of nightmares.
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:46 AM on November 21, 2004

Some of these look dangerous. Unless you're doing a home abortion.
posted by idest at 7:48 AM on November 21, 2004

"I can almost see a Dragon leaning against a rock, the sun glistening off his scaly body, and winking as he shows you the "gift" he wants to share with you."

You ever get a feeling like no matter how much time you spend in the bath, you're never going to be as clean as you were 5 minutes ago?
posted by queen zixi at 8:00 AM on November 21, 2004

I like "The Keeper." Does anyone actually need something like that?
posted by pomegranate at 8:04 AM on November 21, 2004

I find it sort of strange that the dolphin penis gets to be part of the respectable Marine Mammals catagory while the poor racoon gets relegated to the misfit Unusual Penis Shapes catagory. No wonder he wears a mask!
posted by HifiToaster at 8:06 AM on November 21, 2004

OMG check out the clocks.
posted by pomegranate at 8:06 AM on November 21, 2004

Holy jeebus, the kangaroo! They say it " should be interesting to use" as though they themselves haven't even dared try it out.

*shudder*
posted by InnocentBystander at 8:21 AM on November 21, 2004

"I can almost see a Dragon leaning against a rock, the sun glistening off his scaly body, and winking as he shows you the "gift" he wants to share with you."

Sounds like something Molatar might be interested in, actually.
posted by contessa at 8:27 AM on November 21, 2004

metafilter: you're never going to be as clean as you were 5 minutes ago
posted by centrs at 8:45 AM on November 21, 2004

Why settle for hung like a horse?
posted by digaman at 8:54 AM on November 21, 2004

.
posted by shoepal at 8:54 AM on November 21, 2004

what I want to know is whether or not someone actually makes a living entirely by selling these things.
posted by expriest at 8:56 AM on November 21, 2004

Animals are so five minutes ago.

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you Ripley's Favorite.
posted by MadeByMark at 9:03 AM on November 21, 2004

“You found something weird in your Lego bin?”
“Oh, that…”
“Well, um…”
“That’s just Smokey the Bear’s blue veined junket pumper.”
“Yes, it would make a cool airport control tower.”
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:12 AM on November 21, 2004

The "unless you are a dildo maker" made me laugh really hard.
posted by adrober at 9:30 AM on November 21, 2004

I'm sorry. Granted, I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure that something the size of the "Thor" model should never be inserted into any bodily orifice, ever. I mean, I once ate a three-foot-long baguette, but at least I chewed it.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:32 AM on November 21, 2004

Damn there's so much dick for so much pussy , yet the market for fake dicks and vaginas is increasing. Why why why settle for an imitation when one can have original ?
posted by elpapacito at 9:47 AM on November 21, 2004

I always thought that your average Chihuly chandelier was like a giant cluster of penises, but thanks to this site, I can now say they are like a giant cluster of kangaroo penises. Once again, Metafilter elevates the discourse.
posted by melissa may at 9:50 AM on November 21, 2004

For those into such things: the Icelandic Phallological Museum.
posted by raygirvan at 9:53 AM on November 21, 2004

In a similar vein, melissa,
ew,
I will now, for the rest of my life, see objects and privately associate them with their corresponding animal penises.
posted by dougunderscorenelso at 9:59 AM on November 21, 2004

Now this is hot.
posted by orange clock at 10:03 AM on November 21, 2004

Metafilter elevates the discourse
Mhhh...blue as viagra....ahhh now I see why !
posted by elpapacito at 10:03 AM on November 21, 2004

Strangest Christmas gift ever: studio arts friends of mine made dildos for all their...friends out of caulking silicone poured into Styrofoam molds.

They personalized each one by color and size.
posted by answergrape at 10:07 AM on November 21, 2004

Buy them in bulk, and increase the possibility of choking on a bucket of cocks!
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:24 AM on November 21, 2004

I was sure I'd read that lion penises are barbed, but the one they show is completely smooth.
posted by bingo at 10:28 AM on November 21, 2004

Apparently, the guy does it with his dog.

"Yes, he is my mate and we are intimatly close. We bacme intimat about a year or so ago."

http://www.zoofur.com/love.html
posted by wsg at 10:41 AM on November 21, 2004

"I would recomend your products to anyone who can't get the real thing on a daily basis."

See other interesting comments on the customer appreciation page. Don't scroll down too far, though -- there are links to pictures of appreciative customers, and you really don't want to be tempted to click on them.
posted by liet at 10:58 AM on November 21, 2004

Don't scroll down too far, though -- there are links to pictures of appreciative customers, and you really don't want to be tempted to click on them.

Ack ack ack...damn you, liet, and your "non-temptation" tempting!!!
posted by ChrisTN at 11:03 AM on November 21, 2004

liet: See other interesting comments on the customer appreciation page. Don't scroll down too far, though -- there are links to pictures of appreciative customers, and you really don't want to be tempted to click on them.

There are some aspects of the sex act that while highly pleasurable to participate in, are rather grotesque when they occupy the whole frame of a digital photograph.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 11:37 AM on November 21, 2004

Egads...I hadn't seen the customer appreciation page...but now I have, I'm truly glad that there wasn't a demonstration of Thor.
posted by mattr at 11:41 AM on November 21, 2004

People are scary.
posted by five fresh fish at 12:08 PM on November 21, 2004

Why did I click on those pictures? WHY? WHY? *heh*

I don't know what was worse, those or the love page.
posted by SisterHavana at 12:17 PM on November 21, 2004

This site has to win the award for the most hilariously disturbing site ever. Oh, well, coulda been worse. I dread to think of somebody trying to come up with "The Blue Whale" ... cos ya know, 16 feet is gonna make anybody very insecure and/or uncomfortable :)
posted by kaemaril at 12:19 PM on November 21, 2004

this all makes me sad.
posted by glenwood at 12:24 PM on November 21, 2004

Tell Congress! No Flip-Flop on Flipper's Flopper!
posted by anthill at 12:30 PM on November 21, 2004

"Cooking with Cum" and "Animal Dildos"

*twitch*

"Traumatized" doesn't even BEGIN to cover it.

*shudder*
posted by zarq at 2:04 PM on November 21, 2004

The "customer appreciation" page is just disturbing.
posted by clevershark at 2:05 PM on November 21, 2004

Since these are only substitutes for the real thing, how long do you think it'll be before the legality of man-pet relations comes before congress?

-sigh-
posted by RobertFrost at 2:15 PM on November 21, 2004

I like the design and feel of the raccoon cock, but the curve is a bit much for me to take the whole thing, but I'll keep trying ;)

Ah, the indomitable human will.
posted by Miss Bitchy Pants at 2:21 PM on November 21, 2004

So these animal dildos, they vibrate?

Nevermind....
posted by Balisong at 2:21 PM on November 21, 2004

Finally me and my little inflatable horse we can have joyful fun togheter, at the present I can't afford a real horse so that is the closest approximation I can have, it makes all a difference to play with a cute smiling inflatable horse when you have the appropriate "add ons" *giggle*

Okay, words really do fail me....
posted by jokeefe at 2:58 PM on November 21, 2004

So these animal dildos, they vibrate?

Yeah, but it'll cost you an extra $20...
posted by Vervain at 3:12 PM on November 21, 2004

Yes, "Cooking with Cum" and "Animal Dildos".. what a great time to join Metafilter! I am truly disturbed...
posted by WhisperingAngel at 3:33 PM on November 21, 2004

Who hear likes teh seks with animuls, yiff yiff yiff?
posted by naxosaxur at 3:59 PM on November 21, 2004

The scary thing is: There is enough demand for these objects that someone is making a business out of it!
posted by tank04 at 4:36 PM on November 21, 2004

Suddenly, this doesn't seem quite so bad.
posted by codeofconduct at 4:47 PM on November 21, 2004

Metafilter is really helping me out this christmas season.
posted by TwelveTwo at 5:00 PM on November 21, 2004

*claws eyes out and wanders the countryside*
posted by exlotuseater at 7:19 PM on November 21, 2004

Jesus, CoC, put a [may cause blindness] tag on that sort of thing!
posted by five fresh fish at 8:40 PM on November 21, 2004

I wonder - do they sell "dragon" vaginas ?

"Ring of Fire" ?
posted by troutfishing at 8:47 PM on November 21, 2004

Yarr, 'twill put the billow in yer mainsail like gettin' fingerbanged by Cap'n Hook himself.
posted by arto at 1:51 PM on November 22, 2004