Sex Ed

December 2, 2004 8:03 AM

Abortion makes you sterile, 50 percent of gay male teenagers are HIV-positive, mutual masturbation can get you pregnant, you can get HIV from sweat, and more fun "facts" from our federally-funded abstinence-only curricula.
posted by grrarrgh00 (58 comments total)

Federally-funded Moonie cult sex education
posted by inksyndicate at 8:07 AM on December 2, 2004

The article's kicker:

Some course materials cited in Waxman's report present as scientific fact notions about a man's need for "admiration" and "sexual fulfillment" compared with a woman's need for "financial support." One book in the "Choosing Best" series tells the story of a knight who married a village maiden instead of the princess because the princess offered so many tips on slaying the local dragon. "Moral of the story," notes the popular text: "Occasional suggestions and assistance may be alright, but too much of it will lessen a man's confidence or even turn him away from his princess."

LOVE it!
posted by grrarrgh00 at 8:10 AM on December 2, 2004

I got pregnanter that a motherfucker from mutual masturbation even though we were both standing up.

You know what the really sad thing about the whole abstinence education thing is? It's not even the disinformation and government as clueless slightly older cousin dispensing wisdom from half stuck together Hustlers, all I totally have a girlfriend in Canada and she kissed it bro, I swear. It's the fact that messin' around is fun and cheap and keeps the teenagers off the streets and off my GODDAMN LAWN.
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:12 AM on December 2, 2004

BTW: The actual report (PDF). And the press release (also PDF).
posted by grrarrgh00 at 8:16 AM on December 2, 2004

I am shocked, shocked that our neo-fundy government has been providing misleading scientific information to the public in order to advance an extremely biased moral/social agenda.
posted by baphomet at 8:17 AM on December 2, 2004

Sickening.
posted by agregoli at 8:18 AM on December 2, 2004

Representative Henry Waxman did the report. That Waxman, always letting facts (*.pdf) get in the way of policy.
posted by driveler at 8:19 AM on December 2, 2004

If I were a knight, and some cool chick clued me in on where the weak spot was on a dragon, I would totally marry her.
posted by inksyndicate at 8:24 AM on December 2, 2004

America is freaking awesome.
posted by xmutex at 8:25 AM on December 2, 2004

Won't somebody think of the dragons?
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:30 AM on December 2, 2004

America is freaking awesome.

Almost true, it's so absurd that it's quite laughable. The scary thing is that a few of these kids might actually believe this drivel well into adulthood.
posted by protocool at 8:34 AM on December 2, 2004

It's the fact that messin' around is fun and cheap and keeps the teenagers off the streets and off my GODDAMN LAWN.

So best.

One of my fondest high school memories is of my stupid "Life Management Skills" class (which most kids took senior year because they didn't want to waste time on it beforehand). Florida is abstinence-only, and I went to a "school for the gifted" full of extremely mouthy kids, so when our coach was talking about the abstinence-only nonsense, pretty much the entire class ganged up on her until she admitted (a.) that she was required to teach only about abstinence, and, eventually, after a lot of prodding, (b.) that she thought that was kinda stupid. That cemented my conviction that no matter what the world threw at us, the kids from my school were gonna be A-OK.
posted by logovisual at 8:38 AM on December 2, 2004

What about ball-licking? That's still OK, right?
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 8:39 AM on December 2, 2004

I fail to understand how same-sex mutual masturbation causes pregnancy.
posted by WolfDaddy at 8:40 AM on December 2, 2004

The pregnant hand.

Its true! See what masturbation can do!
posted by nofundy at 8:47 AM on December 2, 2004

Ball Licking is ok, but only if you keep a strong mental image of Jesus firmly in your head as you lick.

WolfDaddy:
Well you're jerking happily away and then you get the spooge on your hand and then your auntie clasps your hands in hers and says my how you've grown and then she goes to the toilet and wipes back to front on accident and before you know it you've knocked up your own aunt and she wants to raise the child Unitarian and the kid turns up a lesbian because Unitarians are so goddamn open minded and then the kid goes on the welfare and gets all sweaty walking to cash her check at the liquor store and some girl who was keeping herself clean for marriage gets the HIV from the sweat and then where will you be?

President Walter Effin Mondale that's where you'll be.
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:52 AM on December 2, 2004

PS: nofundy, that is the third gnarliest hand I've seen today.
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:55 AM on December 2, 2004

What about ball-licking? That's still OK, right?

That depends, C_D. Think you can fit under my desk?
posted by Ufez Jones at 8:57 AM on December 2, 2004

Well, God knows that teenagers wouldn't be having sex if these damn sex education programs didn't put the idea into their heads. Ideally we would all just keep our children compeltely ignorant. That way they would never get interested in sex until they were married, at which point I am sure everything would work out fine.
posted by Yellowbeard at 9:12 AM on December 2, 2004

Man, I'm glad I went to a secular private school. I had a no-nonsense biology teacher in 9th grade that did our unit on human sexuality--just the facts, so to speak.
posted by bardic at 9:14 AM on December 2, 2004

"That way they would never get interested in sex until they were married, at which point I am sure everything would work out fine."

Until some meddling IVF clinic clues them in. Bastards.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:19 AM on December 2, 2004

The sad part is that most biology teachers are no longer allowed to talk about sex at all. Try teaching your students about the AIDS epidemic without mentioning sex or homosexuality.
posted by amelliferae at 9:22 AM on December 2, 2004

Try teaching your students about the AIDS epidemic without mentioning sex or homosexuality.

How are we going to blame homosexuals for AIDS if we can't talk about them?
posted by Armitage Shanks at 9:39 AM on December 2, 2004

Did anyone here go to a public school that discussed or advocated birth control during sex-ed? It struck me the other day that my 9th grade Health discussion of sex (in 1989) was about 90% graphic depictions of venereal diseases. All I seem to remember is warnings about condoms, and charts with entries like "cheesy discharge."
posted by inksyndicate at 9:41 AM on December 2, 2004

How are we going to blame homosexuals for AIDS if we can't talk about them?

I blame homosexuals for Will and Grace, the most unfunny television show ever. Oh, and I blame Elton John for Elton John. There's lots of blame to go around in the gay community.
posted by AlexReynolds at 9:48 AM on December 2, 2004

Any child that learns primarily about sex in school, whether the focus is on solely on abstinence or on public frottage with underage leprechauns, is a victim of bad parenting.

Really. It's quaint that we make an effort and all, but the sex education I got in the 80's was not abstinence-only and it was worthless anyway. If your parents are so fucked up that they can't discuss a function as natural as eating or pooping, chances are that they put you on the idiot train a long time ago.

Sex ed has always been so awful that a crazy teacher making shit up couldn't make it worse. And kids who have parents that incompetent are either going to be parents themselves at 16 or Ed Gein anyway.

It's not the school's job, the schools have only ever pretended to do it adequately, and mouth breathers will find a way to get pregnant and get VD no matter how well you tell them not to.
posted by Mayor Curley at 9:52 AM on December 2, 2004

inksyndicate. I went to a public grammar school where they discussed sex ed rather frankly in the fifth and sixth grades, we even got to see a movie with full frontal nudity of a woman and the gym teacher explained to us that the technical term for boner was erection. By junior high, they started discussing birth control and sexually transmitted diseases. They detailed all the percentages of success/failre of each form of birth control. This was circa 1976 in New Jersey.
posted by effwerd at 9:56 AM on December 2, 2004

'scuse me. circa 1986. I'm not that old.
posted by effwerd at 9:59 AM on December 2, 2004

Did anyone here go to a public school that discussed or advocated birth control during sex-ed?

My high school (around '92 in SoCal) had one required class in the sophomore year that covered all the standard sex-ed stuff, as well as drug education and career aptitude tests. We got full-on descriptive charts of every contraceptive available on the market (and some that aren't, like women monitoring their cycles to determine when they're fertile or not and abstinence) showing their effectiveness rates and a bunch of other stuff. We also were informed about just every STD and how they could be contracted. The most amazing thing to me now is that we also had a section describing various abortion techniques--like what each procedure was and when it could be performed. The class didn't advocate anything, but just gave us the plain simple facts.
posted by LionIndex at 9:59 AM on December 2, 2004

As was discussed a few days ago, those proponents of abstinence only sex education can't seem to grasp the inherent conflicts among their various policy views regarding this, abortion, and child welfare. It would seem obvious to those who have had comprehensive sex education that without honest sex ed, unwanted pregnancies will increase which will push the need for abortion. They want to prevent abortion as birth control but then they don't seem to give a shit about the babies they want to force into existence after they're born.

The whole idea that speech equals advocacy is the problem - as if discussing the consequences of murder is a promotion for murder. I've never understood this. I think such proponents are similar to those proponents of the drug war. They somehow believe that, if only given the proper incentives (through restricting info and criminal penalties) that the world will eventually come to its senses and become paradise. As if teens will magically stop wanting to have sex if only they didn't know about it.
posted by effwerd at 10:32 AM on December 2, 2004

For example, one curriculum tells youth that a long list of personal problems--including isolation, jealousy, poverty, heartbreak, substance abuse, unstable long-term commitments, sexual violence, embarrassment, depression, personal disappointment, feelings of being used, loss of honesty, loneliness and suicide--"can be eliminated by by being abstinent until marriage."

That's funny, I always thought most of those were caused by being abstinent until marriage...
posted by jefgodesky at 11:22 AM on December 2, 2004

And here I thought masturbation only made hair grow on your palms or made you go blind.

Who knew I could get pregnant?

And I learned that from one of those good christian based sex re-education camps.
posted by nofundy at 11:32 AM on December 2, 2004

Did anyone here go to a public school that discussed or advocated birth control during sex-ed?

Like LionIndex, my high school (Northern New Jersey, late nineties) gave us a chart/pamphlet that listed all kinds of birth control options (including crazy implants and so forth that I'd never heard of, as well as methods like 'pulling out' or ridiculous things like 'standing up after sex') with approximate percentages or blurbs about their success/failure rates, whether they protected you from STDs, et cetera. It even said that one way to stay safe from STDs was to have (potentially unprotected) sex in a monogamous couple. There was an overcurrent of "Of course, abstinence is the only 100% safe method," but the information was pretty good.

The one unfortunate failing was that the chart didn't list the morning after pill. One classmate specifically asked about it, and the teachers (the class was a joint combination of two gym classes) conferred about it and then told us that they couldn't discuss it. A damn shame.
posted by rafter at 11:39 AM on December 2, 2004

My junior high school (rural Massachusetts, late 70s) required that everyone take a four-week (I think) course on "Sexuality, Health, and Reproduction" (I think that was the name of it) in the eighth grade. If your parents objected, you could opt out and do something else for those four weeks--I think it was supposed to be a research project on cancer with one of the student teacher, but nobody in my class opted out.

I certainly remember long discussions about contraception options as a central part of the whole dull thing, which was taught by a tiny female gym teacher--as I recall, they handed out a purple mimeographed sheet with different contraception options, their "street names", and their estimated success rates. (This was oddly reminiscent of the purple mimeographed sheet itemizing different drugs, their "street names", and their side effects that they had handed out in a previous unit on drug and alcohol abuse.)

They did advise us to wait until we were older and in a serious relationship before having sex, in a kind of lame-ass "Free to Be You and Me" manner. Ah, the Carter administration...good times.

In tenth grade I had a biology teacher who used to refer to sex as the "moment of splendor". It was funny when she would talk about, say, fruitflies' "moment of splendor".
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:06 PM on December 2, 2004

All I -really- know about STD, sex I learned by

a) watching pornography
b) reading info from medical sites on internet

School education was totally non existant on the issue, let alone my parents who knew, but were afraid to ask or say. I don't blame them for being raised like idiots by idiots in fear, but I don't want that for my kids.
posted by elpapacito at 12:56 PM on December 2, 2004

Dear family, guess what? Today I learned what my special purpose is for....
posted by elwoodwiles at 12:56 PM on December 2, 2004

YOU ARE THE ONES WHO ARE THE BALL LICKERS!
posted by E_B_A at 1:12 PM on December 2, 2004

My sex-ed class in public high school was taught by Planned Parenthood clinicians. Not only did we get pamphlets outlining the pros and cons of various forms of birth control, but they brought all sorts of stuff in and let us pass them around. Good times, but that was seriously the biggest diaphragm i have ever seen in my life.
posted by makonan at 1:37 PM on December 2, 2004

I think it's sad that I'm more likely to see examples of safe sex in a tame porn than in a high-school level human sexuality course.

In HS, (11 years ago for me) we used to giggle during the biology teacher's demonstration with a cucumber and condom. Now, I feel lucky to have such frank discussions. Don't tell Frank I said that.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 2:38 PM on December 2, 2004

wait, let me see if I understand this travesty correctly: our children, the fruit and hope of our nation, are being group-educated in public schools? I used to think Bush was honest and Christian, a man of God, a sort of new Jesus with improved firepower and less icky Yiddischekeit, but now I just think he's trash. What kind of country makes its children learn about the world, when their meat-sacks are merely vessels for transmission to the sacred Disneyland in the sky?
posted by clockzero at 2:53 PM on December 2, 2004

The scary thing is that a few of these kids might actually believe this drivel well into adulthood.

A few? I'm thinking more like about 61%.
posted by milovoo at 3:08 PM on December 2, 2004

We could always let the kids learn about sex through trial and error.
posted by Kleptophoria! at 3:13 PM on December 2, 2004

This is utterly bizarre to me.

I knew what my bits and pieces--and girls' too--were for by the time I was six. One of the few things my (divorced) parents agreed on, actually: if you know what (say) your nose is for, then you should know what your genitals are for. Just another body part.

Consequently, when we started sex ed in grade 6 (girls started in grade five, because they tend to hit puberty earlier, periods, etc), I was already doing ok. From grade 6 to grade 9, sex ed was taught by a public health nurse in a very no-nonsense, this is how everything works, age-appropriate kind of way. Hell, when covering STD's, we would even discuss the idea that sure, the only 100% reliable way of not getting pregnant or infected is abstinence, but mutual masturbation is pretty safe.

And by grade 9, it wasn't a condom-on-a-wooden-phallus demonstration, it was hands-on (using wooden phalli, not each other), for the boys and the girls. I got some rather funny looks when I tore the packet open and slapped a condom on one-handed rather quicker and more practiced than expected, but I digress...

There was never any moralizing (except with regards to things like rape, coercion, sexual abuse), just plain facts, including coverage of homosexuality, and the amusing discussion one day when the nurse mentioned that most boys, by the time they were our age (grade 9), had had at least one homosexual experience.

I will never understand how people don't grok that when you raise kids, you equip them with a toolkit to survive the world. Sexual education is part of that toolkit. And letting parents opt their kids out of sex ed classes (which does happen here in Canada, alas, but generally only at religious schools) should, frankly, be illegal.

Oh, I'm almost 26 now, so I probably started having sex ed classes around 1989-90. Public school in Ontario.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 4:34 PM on December 2, 2004

I like to think on the bright side- if these sorts of people stop having sex, there won't be as many of them next generation.

:-)
posted by jamesmd at 4:44 PM on December 2, 2004

You would think the some issues, such as keeping child alive and STD/AIDs free would above politics...

I'd love to go off on an anti-right wing rant or an anti-Bush rant, but it hardly seems appropriate given the gravity of the issue and that the true facts about sex, STDs and AIDs are readily ascertainable and scientifically provable so as to save lives. Whether you believe in abstinence only or otherwise, can’t we just make sure that saving lives and improving health are the most important aspects in sex ed.? I guess not....

Oh, I'm almost 26 now, so I probably started having sex ed classes around 1989-90. Public school in Ontario.

At least some of us went to private school. I got sex ed. in 5th, 7th and 9th grades and I found that putting a condom on a cucumber did not want to make me go out and make tons of babies in high school...other things outside of sex ed. did, but that's NSFW so I'll save that for myself.
posted by Bag Man at 5:14 PM on December 2, 2004

ball licking is out of the question :)
posted by clubmedia at 5:55 PM on December 2, 2004

MetaFilter: Ball licking is out of the question.


And yeah, sex ed. didn't make me want to go out and have sex with hot boys. Sex with hot boys made me want to go out and have sex with hot boys. Sex education just made sure I did it safely,
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:02 PM on December 2, 2004

Yeah, see, my mom is a labor and delivery nurse. I learned everything I would need to know about sex when I was 8. It involved watching several videos about the the joy of life, the pain of childbirth, and the various anatomical processes involved. I'm fairly sure you couldn't construct any program that would me LESS likely to have sex than being told by your mom how great is. This whole abstinence thing will only be effective on kids who are totally subservient. Amazingly enough, these same kids aren't the ones having sex in the first place. Amazing how this works! We'd all be better off if we would stop underestimating kids.
posted by JZig at 6:27 PM on December 2, 2004

Why in the name of the sweet baby zombie jesus hasn't someone SUED THE ASS OFF THE GOVERNMENT?

Isn't there some way to hold them accountable for telling baldfaced and harmful lies to children?

Gahd.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:47 PM on December 2, 2004

I'm more pregnanter than YOU are!!
posted by Balisong at 7:52 PM on December 2, 2004

I am all for sex-ed, but how young do we need to start, really?

it's not what you think it is.
posted by exlotuseater at 8:18 PM on December 2, 2004

Exlotuseater, that picture is adorable! Thanks.,
posted by sophie at 8:38 PM on December 2, 2004

OMG exlotuseater... now that's a picture that should be inlined.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 8:39 PM on December 2, 2004

posted by exlotuseater at 8:58 PM on December 2, 2004

WALTER:

You know what happens at proms?

BIANCA:

Yes, daddy. We'll dance, we'll kiss, we'll come home. It’s not quite the crisis situation you imagine.

WALTER:

Kissing, huh? That’s what you think happens? Got news for you. Kissing isn't what keeps me up to my elbows in placenta all day long.

posted by NortonDC at 10:16 PM on December 2, 2004

I went to Catholic school back in the 60's. You have never lived until you hear a 68-year-old virginal nun explain sex. (When you are married, a glorious event will take place...) Mostly all I can remember is that she was adamant about douching with lemon Joy dishwashing detergent.
And yes, they did actually tell us about not wearing shiny patent leather shoes.
posted by leftcoastbob at 12:26 AM on December 3, 2004

Mostly all I can remember is that she was adamant about douching with lemon Joy dishwashing detergent.

I have no words for how unpleasant I imagine that would be.

Sudsy, foamy vagina! With improved lemon scent!
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 12:59 AM on December 3, 2004

Won't somebody think of the dragons?
posted by Faint of Butt

I don't know what's funnier -- this person's comment, or their username.
posted by davejay at 1:05 PM on December 3, 2004