O'Reilly's soul searching

December 23, 2004 8:00 AM

O'Reilly's dark night of the soul. Bill O'Reilly's on a mission to follow God's path for him and the path of the Founding Fathers. Trouble is, he's having a hard time keeping down the welling feelings to 'execute' the lot of America. There's a nice little jab on Sweden, too, just in case you're a Christian thinking about moving to the other Land of the Free.
posted by santiagogo (47 comments total)

After reading this, I'm curious whether Bill's thinking about a run for office.
posted by santiagogo at 8:01 AM on December 23, 2004

I can just see falafel man running for office. A loofah in every shower!
posted by Mo Nickels at 8:10 AM on December 23, 2004

Which Founding Fathers is Bill referring to when he says:

I believe the Founding Fathers wanted religion in the public marketplace as a behavior deterrent because they knew they couldn't control the population, and they felt that a faith-based population would be more likely to behave.

Was it James Madison, who said "Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for
every noble enterprise." Or was it Thomas Jefferson, who said "History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people maintaining a free civil government." Or maybe George Washington, who said "The Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian Religion."

But then I remembered that Bill claims to be a "journalist", and "That’s what journalism is, Bill. It’s all just opinion. Just opinion.-Richard Viguerie, Conservative movement founding father to Bill Moyers, 12-17-04

I believe Bill is doing what God called him to do, because there has to be Darkness for us to appreciate the light...
posted by Enron Hubbard at 8:16 AM on December 23, 2004

And you are putting out a message, think postive, and I respect that. But those messages, hope and positive thinking, don't win wars. They don't.

umm... Ghandi? ...anyone?
posted by oraknabo at 8:18 AM on December 23, 2004

I think O'Reilly needs a hug...
posted by axon at 8:20 AM on December 23, 2004

Bill O'Reilly is such an obnoxious tool. Why waste your time thinking about him or your breath talking about him?
posted by Jupiter Jones at 8:20 AM on December 23, 2004

That large bad man is going to kill someone someday.
posted by fleetmouse at 8:23 AM on December 23, 2004

JJ, I think the article is particularly interesting because while we all know that he's egomaniacal, deliberating over 'executing' people as a quick fix to fulfilling God's Plan is taking it to a new level. So far as I've heard from him.
posted by santiagogo at 8:26 AM on December 23, 2004

The Bible says to do good to your enemies, but then there's other times when you gotta stand strong and fuck 'em in the ass, Bill.
posted by orange clock at 8:34 AM on December 23, 2004

Jeebus, how does this qualify as an FPP?
posted by davidmsc at 8:40 AM on December 23, 2004

And here I thought he liked Scandinavians.

Undoubtedly these were the Bible-thumping, God-fearing Christian type.

Who like to menage.

With a guy like Bill O'Reilly.
posted by sellout at 8:43 AM on December 23, 2004

I'd love to see Bill wield an anime style flaming sword.
posted by orange clock at 8:44 AM on December 23, 2004

O'Reilly (smiling): No, I can't, unless I execute them, which would be against everything we both stand for. Pastor, I want to wish you merry Christmas...

Uh, yeah, Merry Christmas, guy who wants to execute people.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 8:48 AM on December 23, 2004

Optimus Chyme wins.

Religion's a "behavior deterrent"? It certainly doesn't seem to have stopped ol' Felafel Bill from, er, behaving.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:57 AM on December 23, 2004

I also think that Tom Tomorrow wins for saying this:

Bill O'Reilly is actually playing a variation on Scrooge this Christmas--the cranky old man determined to ruin everyone's holiday. The twist is, in the O'Reilly Christmas Carol, Scrooge loves Christmas and spends all day harranguing Bob Cratchit for not loving Christmas as much as he, Ebenezer O'Reilly, does.

Except he's also haranguing the Weinsteins down the block and the Patels across town for having the effrontery not to celebrate Christmas.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:59 AM on December 23, 2004

Granted, I enjoy seeing O'Reilly embarassed as much as possible (and I think Media Matters does a great job of that on a regular basis), but I guess my utopian ideal of this situation is that everybody suddenly realizes that he's a blowhard with no humanity and a massive ego and his show disappears into the ether. Fingers Crossed!
posted by Jupiter Jones at 9:00 AM on December 23, 2004

David, I think the article is particularly interesting because while we all know that he's egomaniacal, deliberating over 'executing' people as a quick fix to fulfilling God's Plan is taking it to a new level. So far as I've heard from him.
posted by santiagogo at 9:04 AM on December 23, 2004

Much like Blessed W, the rhetorical fixastion here is hard to miss.

Explanation: Judging others is hard to do, especially with a cock-shaped vibrator plugged up one's asshole.
posted by bardic at 9:21 AM on December 23, 2004

I've stumbled upon the land of undergraduates.
posted by foot at 9:26 AM on December 23, 2004

Sometimes I'd like to say, Michael the archangel, get down here and kick a little butt with me, you know?

Wow. What a freak he is. Kicking butt with the angels.
posted by stinkycheese at 9:33 AM on December 23, 2004

umm, didn't Sweden have an offical State religion until 1999 and still receives some government support?

I'm trying to imagine the look on the minister's face. I know when I was baptized I was specifically told by my Southern Baptist preacher that being a Christian wasn't going to make me automatically happy or solve any problems. Perhaps Mr. O'Reilly should be praying more (the instructions I've always received from preachers when asked how to resolve a challenging personal issue) and asking less of other people on TV?

"My calling is to encourage people and give them hope, but I think we all have different callings." Indeed.
posted by infowar at 9:37 AM on December 23, 2004

It can't be God's plan that O'Reilly will lead us out of darkness. We all know He called on Bush to do that.
posted by fungible at 9:44 AM on December 23, 2004

Wait, you mean this is real and not just made up? I need to read it again in this new light.
posted by Four Flavors at 9:53 AM on December 23, 2004

Who is Bill O'Reilly, and why is he important?
posted by davy at 10:00 AM on December 23, 2004

I was wondering if I was the only one that noticed how he's been on (and on and on and on and on and on) about secularists lately. did you know that the aclu hates christians? I didn't!

to you or I, bill o'reilly means less than a ball of lint, but to a lot of people out there he's the everyman's arbiter of truth. I'm not saying he shouldn't be allowed to say what he says, I'm just saying that he should be ruthlessly lampooned whenever the opportunity arises.
posted by mcsweetie at 10:19 AM on December 23, 2004

umm, didn't Sweden have an offical State religion until 1999 and still receives some government support?

that's right infowar. and like o'reilly says religion (thank god) has almost no significance in swedish culture. no mention of "in god we trust" on the swedish krona, no nativity scenes popping up every christmas, a shockingly low rate of marriage with people living in lifelong committed relationships, childrens born out of wedlock who grow up loved by their parents and well-adjusted.

and as punishment, we are cursed by god with a tolerant, peaceful, civic-minded population. a beautiful, clean, safe capital.

and, next to the netherlands, we are condemned to live with more personal freedom and liberty than any other place on the planet.

and in His wrath, he has even cursed us with the most beautiful women on the planet!
posted by three blind mice at 10:29 AM on December 23, 2004

As far as I can tell, the worst thing about Sweden is it's COLD there. Except now, when it's 20 degrees F. warmer than here.

Are there any beautiful Swedish women here who'd love to meet me? I could walk to the airport here, and I accept paypal!
posted by davy at 10:34 AM on December 23, 2004

I want to do what he says here as a monologue for auditions. What a strange, tense, sweaty moment.

It's like the farting of an insane ass.
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:35 AM on December 23, 2004

"Man is the religious animal. He is the only religious animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion –- several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven." --Mark Twain
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:43 AM on December 23, 2004

I'm suspecting that O'Gasbag's on the verge of going Howard Beale on us. One can only hope.
posted by SteveInMaine at 10:51 AM on December 23, 2004

Careful thee blind mice - keep talking like that and you might find your scandinavian paradise overrun with American lefties anxiously looking for dates!
posted by rks404 at 10:55 AM on December 23, 2004

Can someone do a better job of explaining exactly what I'm reading here? Context, perhaps? Was this on his show? Is the priest (if that's what he is) a caller?

"I don't know why angels aren't helping me... I'm doing what God wants me to do, but why isn't he helping me? God must just be really busy... He doesn't have time to execute the Bad People, I'll help him." - This has to be fake... please...

I've ignored him for so long that I may have missed where he really plunged off the deep end. I can only pray that he continues to fall, leaving all his religious viewers holding on to a pile of flaming shit.
posted by odinsdream at 11:32 AM on December 23, 2004

.... I may have missed where he really plunged off the deep end.

I think it just might have had something to do with teh falafels...
posted by lodurr at 12:57 PM on December 23, 2004

While Bill is loofa'ing his..uh....self in the shower, he could sing this song
posted by telstar at 1:04 PM on December 23, 2004

> Who is Bill O'Reilly, and why is he important?

Because millions believe his every word and see him as a "straight shooter" not this pro-theocratic right-wing extremist. Combined with Rush and Hannity, well, do the results of the November election surprise you?

Sure, they're just media figures and the real problem is people and their lack of skepticism and their inability to stop latching on to the local alpha male for opinion.
posted by skallas at 3:01 PM on December 23, 2004

This Bill O'Reilly, he vibrates?

No, seriously.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 3:35 PM on December 23, 2004

The guy's about to snap. Snap, I tell ya. God I hope he does it on camera.
posted by hojoki at 5:18 PM on December 23, 2004

Bill is one scary bastard.
posted by Plinko at 6:03 PM on December 23, 2004

"Did you hear Bil O'Reilly snapped?"

"Really? How could you tell?"
posted by goethean at 6:13 PM on December 23, 2004

Where's the National Organization to Shoot Bill O'Reilly Into the Sun when you need them?
posted by MrBadExample at 8:05 PM on December 23, 2004

O'Reilly wishes he would been the one in the Smigel cartoon thing on SNL, and not Rush. He's like the anti-semitic cranky pervert version of Tara Reid--just another 2nd-rate blowhard looking to move up. ; >
posted by amberglow at 8:11 PM on December 23, 2004

You know, this thread he would probably qualify as proof of "secularists" smearing him, attacking him, generally speaking hating him. Talk about self fulfilling delusion, in which the one who sees enemies everywhere manage to attract enough antipathy to actually have some enemy.

I guess he's becoming increasingly paranoid ?
posted by elpapacito at 4:40 AM on December 24, 2004

elpapa, he hasn't always been like this:
from 2002: But O’Reilly is more of an iconoclast than you might imagine. He opposes the death penalty, admires Susan Sarandon, doesn’t think much of Jesse Helms, and supports the decriminalization (but not legalization) of marijuana. He also states flatly that gays and lesbians deserve the same rights in the workplace as everyone else and shouldn’t be fired because of who they are. He thinks gay-inclusive antidiscrimination laws should be enacted in every state and opposes the repeal effort against such an ordinance that’s on the ballot September 10 in Florida’s Miami-Dade County.
posted by amberglow at 7:36 AM on December 24, 2004

He's like the anti-semitic cranky pervert version of Tara Reid--just another 2nd-rate blowhard looking to move up.

I spare very few thoughts for O'Really, but amberglow, I gotta say, that's the longest successful stretch of a metaphor I believe I've ever seen in this place. Bravo.
posted by chicobangs at 9:47 AM on December 24, 2004

Where's the National Organization to Shoot Bill O'Reilly Into the Sun when you need them?

Best... link..... ever.
posted by menace303 at 10:40 AM on December 24, 2004

just to be a lone voice in the wild for a second:

did I miss something? he said at the end of the article basically "the only way to stop these people is to kill them, and of course we can't do that". i fail to see how this is going off the deep end. actually o'reilly has gone on record many many times that he is firmly against capital punishment.

i'm not sayin, i'm just sayin....
posted by glenwood at 8:06 PM on December 24, 2004

it's always a laugh!
posted by dickumbrage at 5:15 PM on December 25, 2004