Comments on: Pong: the Movie would have more personality

Pong: the Movie would have more personality

fungible — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 13:45:36 -0800

We've discussed it before. But now it's actually made it to the screen. And it looks to be one of the worst films ever made.

By: purephase

purephase — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 13:51:45 -0800

IMDb - 1.9/10. Ouch.

By: Shadowkeeper

Shadowkeeper — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 13:55:03 -0800

And don't mis the trailer for his next movie.

By: graventy

graventy — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 14:02:33 -0800

Holy cow. 2% on RT! I'm totally forcing my roommate to see this with me this weekend. Poor bastard doesn't know what's coming....

By: Ndwright

Ndwright — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 14:06:04 -0800

In response to the Bloodrayne trailer: What the hell was Michael Madsen thinking?

By: fungible

fungible — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 14:07:56 -0800

Michael Madsen? What about Ben Kingsley?

By: driveler

driveler — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 14:11:19 -0800

Well, maybe not the worst.

By: odinsdream

odinsdream — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 14:13:59 -0800

Does anyone have a link to the previous alone-in-the-dark trailer, the really, really hilarious one that included about a full minute of marines just...shooting into the air...?

By: qDot

qDot — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 14:23:11 -0800

Wow. It looks like they may have spent a whole $8 on the costuming for Bloodrayne. Did they replace all the leather with construction paper? Besides, everyone knows Bloodrayne was supposed to be a porno!

By: Johnny Assay

Johnny Assay — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 14:27:56 -0800

Interestingly enough, the rating of 2% on RT is not the worst rating ever given... A search by year and rating returns 48 movies made since 2000 with a rating of 0%, among them Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, National Lampoon's Gold Diggers, and Roberto Begnini's version of Pinocchio.

By: Igor XA

Igor XA — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 14:34:09 -0800

it has tara reid in it. you expected this to be a good movie?

By: AccordionGuy

AccordionGuy — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 14:35:35 -0800

A while back, my buddy Elan Mastai came up to me and told me about a screenplay he was working on. "You'll love it, Joey," he said, "'cause it's about that old game you really loved back at school. Remember Alone in the Dark?" (Say this in your best Troy McClure voice: You may remember Elan's screenplays from such movies as MVP II: Most Vertical Primate.) Elan, you're a swell guy -- now go get yourself a better agent.

By: interrupt

interrupt — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 14:35:55 -0800

heh

By: fungible

fungible — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 14:38:26 -0800

A search by year and rating returns 48 movies made since 2000 with a rating of 0%. Yes, but to be fair, many of those movies have less than 10 or 20 reviews on their pages, while AITD has 81. That's what's compelling: Page after page of really holy-mother-of-fuck bad reviews there, many of them hilarious. Must have been a fun day to be a film reviewer.

By: iamck

iamck — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 14:40:55 -0800

it has tara reid in it. you expected this to be a good movie?

By: AccordionGuy

AccordionGuy — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 14:41:46 -0800

There is only one movie based on a video game that ever has any hope of being good. Dig Dug. Starring Jackie Chan as Dig Dug.

By: runkelfinker

runkelfinker — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 14:43:28 -0800

If Dan Brown made films...

By: mowglisambo

mowglisambo — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 14:57:24 -0800

iamck, I was thinking the same thing... but in that one she was cast, I presume, because she wouldn't have to act.

By: Eekacat

Eekacat — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 15:00:20 -0800

No freaking kidding, runkelfinker.

By: bshort

bshort — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 15:04:09 -0800

There are ads for this all over the NYC subways. I'm starting to realize that massive outdoor advertising is one way to tell that a movie sucks so bad that they're trying to pump up the opening night because they know the word of mouth is going to be abysmal.

By: Pretty_Generic

Pretty_Generic — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 15:11:19 -0800

Ben... Kingsley... ???!?!??! Seriously man, I'm sure there are people who would lend you the money rather than force you to work with the Boll Weevil.

By: barjo

barjo — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 15:21:50 -0800

Defective Yeti is all over it.

By: isol

isol — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 15:22:21 -0800

Oh sweet baby Jebus. This man has some sort of vendetta against videogames. Alone in the Dark Bloodrayne and Far Cry (2006)

By: iamck

iamck — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 15:28:54 -0800

"In retrospect, please add one finger to every other review I've ever done, because none deserve as low a rating as this."

By: catchmurray

catchmurray — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 15:30:55 -0800

You can't discount Welcome To Mooseport

By: hughbot

hughbot — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 15:31:33 -0800

....A rave.....on an abandoned island........FULL OF ZOMBIES! Uwe Boll is the best thing ever. House of the Dead is so amazingly awful it's good. I don't even think there was a house in it.

By: WestCoaster

WestCoaster — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 15:38:19 -0800

Holy cow. 2% on RT! Ahem. Actually, the rottentomatoes.com scoring is incorrect. Of the two "positive" reviews (out of 85), one links to this page, where the reviewer rated it as "total crap" (as did 5 of 8 voting users). And the one "valid" positive vote, at this site, was a "C+"., which included faint praise like This is one of those films that's hard to defend. Can I just say I liked this film for what it is, and end my review now? So this film has got to be a strong contender for some type of award - perhaps a MST3K-like treatment?

By: Katemonkey

Katemonkey — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 15:44:46 -0800

hughbot: There was a house! There was, like, a place, and they were in it, and then Jurgen got really drunk and started throwing grenades and...and... I'm so there. Uwe is my new hero. Because not only does he splice in clips from the videogames during action scenes, he actually splices in clips from the videogames that are the "insert two quarters" promo scenes from videogames! Thank you, thank you, thank you UGC, for making all these terrible movies so very easy to see...

By: ontic

ontic — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 15:46:04 -0800

Always nice to see the two reviewers that liked it -- and one of those only recommends it to people for a laugh.

For reasonable moviegoers, there is no reason on Earth why you should waste your valuable time and money on the likes of "Alone in the Dark," a film whose only obvious distinction is that it has been put together with slightly more competence than "House of the Dead" (which says more about "House of the Dead" than anything else). And yet, for the vast numbers of unreasonable moviegoers out there, the sheer stupidity of the film could provide more inadvertent entertainment than most of the other films they are likely to encounter this year.

The other one manages to call it incomprehensible a couple of times but still admit that it does the best it can. That's when you know your standards are just a little too low.

By: grefo

grefo — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 15:49:48 -0800

Speaking of Uwe Boll...

By: fungible

fungible — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 15:56:28 -0800

Boll: Alone is a much better film than House of the Dead and better than most horror movies out today. Today, I looked out at the word of mouth on Alone in the Dark and there seems to be a lot of medium, okay and good reviews coming out. This movie isn't shit and whoever says it's shit doesn't like horror movies.

By: googly

googly — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 16:02:12 -0800

grefo (and barjo), you might want to actually follow the links on the original post, thus saving you the time and effort of reposting them. [/snark]

By: DakotaPaul

DakotaPaul — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 16:04:32 -0800

From Rotten Tomatoes: "The three stars have seen better days, but I'd like to think they could still do something classier and more dignified than this. Like gay porn." -- Rob Vaux, FLIPSIDE MOVIE EMPORIUM Heh.

By: Bugbread

Bugbread — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 16:18:27 -0800

A little background on Something Awful

By: Dr. Wu

Dr. Wu — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 16:24:16 -0800

Reviews like these make me want to run out and see this movie. (I'll sneak into it at the multiplex, of course, giving my money to something presumably more worthy, like MILLION DOLLAR BABY.) I love good movies, and hope to make a career out of writing about them, but, DAMN, there's nothing quite like a really really REALLY terrible film. Bad films that are screamingly, horrendously bad are actually, I find, extremely instructive: negative-example modeling, you know. There are probably more ways for a film to be interestingly bad than there are for it to be interestingly good. And, if HOUSE OF THE DEAD is any indication, ALONE IN THE DARK will be horrendous in all kinds of really interesting ways.

By: Igor XA

Igor XA — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 16:35:50 -0800

how right you are, iamck. what i should have said was, "it's starring tara reid. you expect this to be a good movie?" i'm sorry i ever attempted to soil the name of the big lebowski. eh, fuck it. let's go bowling.

By: unsupervised

unsupervised — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 16:49:05 -0800

I second odinsdream in the call for the trailer linked to in the original post. It was the best worst thing I've ever seen.

By: shawnj

shawnj — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 17:05:05 -0800

And it looks to be one of the worst films ever made. Now, I still haven't seen it, but if I seriously doubt it is even remotely close to the worst films ever. Matter of fact, I doubt it would even place in the top five worst movies I saw last weekend.

By: buriednexttoyou

buriednexttoyou — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 17:16:02 -0800

Does the movie have any resemblance at all to the original game? Why did they even bother to buy the license??? I just hope Uwe keeps his filthy mitts off of Eternal Darkness.

By: zardoz

zardoz — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 17:20:56 -0800

My favorite quote from this Uwe Boll interview: DG: Is Alone in the Dark Tara Reid's last chance, in terms of her film career, and what can we expect from her in the film? Boll: Screaming, running, jumping, kissing and fucking Christian Slater. She also has a few good lines of dialogue.

By: picea

picea — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 17:37:03 -0800

Thanks for that link, bugbread. I think we just might have a new Ed Wood on our hands in Mr. Boll.

By: ROU_Xenophobe

ROU_Xenophobe — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 18:54:55 -0800

shit, shawnj, those ain't bad. They're just b-movies; most of them are charmingly entertaining in their own doofy way, especially stuff like Plan 9 or Robot Monster. Bad, you wanna try and watch Red Zone Cuba, by and starring Coleman Francis. **WITHOUT** Mike and the 'bots. Or try to suffer through Wild Wild West without once vomiting. Or, for b-movie dreck, Nudist Colony of the Dead (this is, no shit, a musical, featuring the hit "God's Gonna Show Us The Way") or Corpse Grinders 2, which makes anything Ed Wood ever did look like Citizen Kane.

By: glenwood

glenwood — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 19:04:49 -0800

metacritic has it at 10.

By: John Kenneth Fisher

John Kenneth Fisher — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 19:33:47 -0800

To hell with the audience. They should know better. I for one feel bad for Christian Slater.

By: damehex

damehex — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 20:39:08 -0800

yeah, I was surprised to see so many lukewarm reviews atop the metacritic heap. A few of them could easily up the RT percent if they were included as freshes. This thread sent me directly to bittorrent.

By: madman

madman — Thu, 03 Feb 2005 01:31:18 -0800

Christian Slater... we hardly knew ye...

By: biffa

biffa — Thu, 03 Feb 2005 02:57:26 -0800

glenwood, excellent Entertainment Weekly line in your link: "Far be it from me to dismiss a man's effort (Uwe Boll) in a sentence, but the film on your teeth after a three-day drunk possesses more cinematic value. "

By: The Card Cheat

The Card Cheat — Thu, 03 Feb 2005 05:38:19 -0800

Hey, (full disclosure: I'm also friends with the writer) I was there on opening night with him, and while the movie is certainly of poor quality, it's not all-time bad. It's not Battlefield Earth bad. It's not Showgirls bad. If you want to compare it to anything, it's much better than House of the Dead, which does creep into Battlefield Earth territory. I'm just sayin'.

By: papercake

papercake — Thu, 03 Feb 2005 06:10:52 -0800

Is this an act of self-hate? Or just hate?

By: mabelcolby

mabelcolby — Thu, 03 Feb 2005 07:33:22 -0800

What, no one has mentioned Gigli yet? Heh

By: rusty

rusty — Fri, 04 Feb 2005 07:33:21 -0800

Bloodrayne: Her revenge is never... satisfied? Is that even a sentence?

By: WestCoaster

WestCoaster — Fri, 04 Feb 2005 11:33:13 -0800

The metacritic rating is now down to 9 (out of 100), which is defined as "extreme dislike or disgust".

By: joedan

joedan — Fri, 04 Feb 2005 16:11:43 -0800

uwe boll's true motives explained...