Teen caught masturbating with butter in store

March 25, 2005 7:54 AM

Teen caught masturbating with butter in store Nebraska teen, caught masturbating in a grocery store and charged by police, is now a spokesperson for Imperial Margarine
posted by drunk7daysaweek (42 comments total)

"The green rabbit - your premium non-news source"

What's next, daily FPPs from The Onion?
posted by mrbill at 7:56 AM on March 25, 2005

beat me to it, mrbill.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 7:58 AM on March 25, 2005

We sound more like fark every day...
posted by sexymofo at 8:00 AM on March 25, 2005

Plus it's not terribly witty.
posted by QuietDesperation at 8:01 AM on March 25, 2005

Plus two pop-unders that Firefox couldn't block. Gah.
posted by murphy slaw at 8:03 AM on March 25, 2005

I think that is the single least funny site I have ever seen.
posted by tpl1212 at 8:06 AM on March 25, 2005

I feel safer with him in prison.
posted by Kwantsar at 8:06 AM on March 25, 2005

The quotations sound too good to be true. "We sell margarine, not morality."
posted by odinsdream at 8:06 AM on March 25, 2005

Teen caught masturbating with butter in store

Technically it was margarine.

In any case: it's illegal?
posted by dhoyt at 8:08 AM on March 25, 2005

Wait, is this actually drunk7daysaweek's site?

drunk7daysaweek = Jason Ritledge

Graphic Artist for the green bunny site = J(ason) R Rutledge

???

Weak. WEAK.
posted by tpl1212 at 8:09 AM on March 25, 2005

murphy slaw writes "Plus two pop-unders that Firefox couldn't block. Gah."

I never saw 'em, in Firefox or IE. Get Proxomitron.
posted by orthogonality at 8:14 AM on March 25, 2005

And the linked story was tagged as contributed by JR Rutledge ...
posted by PantsOfSCIENCE at 8:14 AM on March 25, 2005

Ah! Busted! Wow. That's like watching someone get pulled over by the cops, and then finding out they've got stolen christmas presents in the trunk.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 8:15 AM on March 25, 2005

Orthogonality = Proxomitron Sales Rep! Pepsi BLOOOO!!!
posted by Baby_Balrog at 8:16 AM on March 25, 2005

orthogonality: I never saw 'em, in Firefox or IE. Get Proxomitron.

Or get adblock. Adblock is lovely. I didn't see the popunders either.
posted by Lafe at 8:16 AM on March 25, 2005

I feel safer with him in prison.

Until he covers himself with butter and slides between the bars.
posted by jonmc at 8:18 AM on March 25, 2005

I assume someone is taking this to MeTa...or flagging it...or dusting off the banhammer...?
posted by tpl1212 at 8:20 AM on March 25, 2005

I can't believe it's not butter!
posted by fandango_matt at 8:23 AM on March 25, 2005

Until he covers himself with butter and slides between the bars.

That's ridiculous.... he'd obviously use margarine.
posted by odinsdream at 8:28 AM on March 25, 2005

Until he covers himself with butter and slides between the bars.
posted by jonmc at 8:18 AM PST on March 25

You think the bars are going to be close enough together to give him that good friction he needs?
posted by dios at 8:29 AM on March 25, 2005

.
posted by loquacious at 8:29 AM on March 25, 2005

Mmm, adblock. Also, farkfilter. And tpl1212, look at those cute little exclamation points[!]
posted by sninky-chan at 8:29 AM on March 25, 2005

Does Rutledge get a time-out or what?
posted by fixedgear at 8:30 AM on March 25, 2005

Delete. Ban. Rinse hands.

Isn't the Onion-ripoff market pretty much tapped out by now? On Yahoo! they have 110 different parody news websites listed. And every college and high school newspaper does this type of issue at least once or twice a year. Don't quit your day job, Jason.
posted by Arch Stanton at 8:31 AM on March 25, 2005

Worse than NewsFilter, FakeNewsFilter. I'm a little tired of these stupid parody sites that attempt to be funny when they really aren't. The $4.5 million dollar three year contract was far too over the top. Though I admit to liking the picture.

Where are the damned Friday Flash Games? I want to abuse some penguins and smash into ex-boyfriends with my BMX bike!
posted by fenriq at 8:33 AM on March 25, 2005

I would go one further and argue that the Onion itself is pretty tapped out at this point.
posted by Swampjazz! at 8:33 AM on March 25, 2005

banned7daysaweek
posted by soyjoy at 8:37 AM on March 25, 2005

Just to make it official: Meta
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 8:39 AM on March 25, 2005

I haven't willingly loaded The Onion in a few years or more. I think the last funny thing I read there was something along the lines of "Holy shit! New York turns into a Jerry Bruckheimer movie!"

That was a nice breath of fresh air at the time, considering how freaked out and reactionary everyone else was at the time.

And the "Holy shit! Man walks on the fucking moon!" mp3 from the multimedia section is always worth a giggle.
posted by loquacious at 8:42 AM on March 25, 2005

Weak. WEAK.

Yup. 7days makes one week.
posted by 327.ca at 8:44 AM on March 25, 2005

beat me to it, mrbill.

in more ways than one...
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:46 AM on March 25, 2005

Before this thread gets deleted and drunk7daysaweek is publicly hanged, I'd just like to say hi to everyone.

Hi.
Good seeing you again.

Yours,
Outlawyr
posted by Outlawyr at 8:48 AM on March 25, 2005

And tpl1212, look at those cute little exclamation points[!]

Done and done.
posted by tpl1212 at 8:48 AM on March 25, 2005

actually, Jason Ritledge is a guitarist, and no it is not a self link.
posted by drunk7daysaweek at 8:55 AM on March 25, 2005

hands_of_manos:
beat me to it, mrbill.

in more ways than one...

? I don't...is...is that...are you making a joke at my expense? I don't get your shaded reference. Is it...is this some sort of dirty joke?

BTW - Your Username = worst film ever made. period. ever. Except for Cannibal Holocaust.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 8:55 AM on March 25, 2005

mic stand asks why does drunk7daysaweek refer to himself in the third person?
posted by mic stand at 8:59 AM on March 25, 2005

actually, Jason Ritledge is a guitarist, and no it is not a self link

Well, if it's not a self-link, you have terrible taste.
posted by delmoi at 9:01 AM on March 25, 2005

is bad taste a crime? If so, better call the police I'm wearing white socks with black shoes
posted by drunk7daysaweek at 9:04 AM on March 25, 2005

BTW - Your Username = worst film ever made. period. ever.

Wrong. Greatest film ever made for MST3K.

"He's got Earl Campbell thighs!"
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 9:04 AM on March 25, 2005

Bwaha! Totally forgot about that. Well, at least I know what I'll be doing tonight.

drunk7daysaweek, It sucks a whole ton when people hate your first post ever.

Believe me, I know.

Haven't posted since.

Welcome to the peanut gallery.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 9:09 AM on March 25, 2005

I hate unfunny websites, and this is one of the unfunniest ones I've seen in a long time. Mrbill is wrong-- any link to any onion story ever written is better then this tripe.
posted by chaz at 9:11 AM on March 25, 2005

Baby Balrog-

It didn't seem too many people disliked your post. You even got a few compliments. Quonsar wasn't impressed, but that's not shocking. It's not like this place is regulated by WWQD.
posted by mic stand at 9:18 AM on March 25, 2005