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April 26, 2005 7:28 PM   Subscribe

Rules For the Library - Satirical relief for those who suffer or have suffered under an oppressive, Orwellian library atmosphere:

1) There will be absolutely no reading of any kind in the library.
...
2) No breathing in the library.
...
3) No walking or moving in the library.
...

posted by nervestaple (69 comments total)

 
Full disclosure: I have contributed to this blog, but I did not write this piece, nor is it my website.
posted by nervestaple at 7:29 PM on April 26, 2005


Metafilter Suspension Form.
Date: 4/26/05
Poster Name: NerveStaple
posted by santiagogo at 7:45 PM on April 26, 2005


This is not funny.

*frowns at nervestaple and revokes his library privileges*
posted by mlis at 7:50 PM on April 26, 2005


Wow. No.
posted by thejoshu at 7:51 PM on April 26, 2005


4) No making obvious and easy library jokes.
...

posted by Stan Chin at 7:52 PM on April 26, 2005


1) There will be absolutely no reading of any kind in the library. This means no books, newspapers, or magazines are to be read while in the library. There has been much confusion concerning this first rule, it seems that many students think they can walk into the library and quietly read but this is simply not the case. The books newspapers and magazines found in the library are not for actually use, but are there to set the library atmosphere. Students may not bring pieces of outside literature into the library. If found, these pieces of “art” will be burned at a weekly book burning.

holy shit fucking lol

posted by moift at 8:00 PM on April 26, 2005


Eep...
posted by nervestaple at 8:00 PM on April 26, 2005


this isn't fucking funny at all
posted by cmonkey at 8:04 PM on April 26, 2005


*has a seizure*
posted by jenleigh at 8:09 PM on April 26, 2005


I don't think I've ever been in a library that would kick you out for doing anything short of being an utter jackass, being warned, and then being an utter jackass again. Especially now that libraries are accepting a change in atmosphere, assuming less the role of quiet temple of research and more of community meeting place / free wifi hotspot / flop house.

Perhaps there are draconian libraries out there that I don't know about. I highly doubt that, though, since I have been to every library in the world.
posted by Hildago at 8:10 PM on April 26, 2005


Eh. And I like book humor.

Reminds me of the old Catskills joke: Have you been to that new restaurant? Don't bother, the food is terrible. And such small portions!

And Jesus, enough with the images already. moift and cmonkey, you're aware how close you are to losing the image tag completely, right?
posted by mediareport at 8:11 PM on April 26, 2005


mediareport: Have a root beer float and relax.
posted by mlis at 8:16 PM on April 26, 2005


Mediareport don't derail please, this thread is about funny library rules.
posted by moift at 8:16 PM on April 26, 2005



posted by angry modem at 8:18 PM on April 26, 2005


Metafilter Suspension Form.
Date: 4/26/05
Poster Name: NerveStaple
Reason: Bad sense of humor.
posted by nervestaple at 8:20 PM on April 26, 2005


And Jesus, enough with the images already. moift and cmonkey, you're aware how close you are to losing the image tag completely, right?

Dude, it's a one link post to a blog entry that isn't funny. So unfunny that I think I'll have difficulty laughing about anything, even a dog with a poofy tail, for a week. If a guy can't bust out the inline image in response to that, then we've lost the war on somethingotother.
posted by cmonkey at 8:20 PM on April 26, 2005


A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "I want a hamburger."

The librarian looks at her and says, "Excuse me! This is the library!"

The blonde apologizes and whispers "I want a hamburger."
posted by dreamsign at 8:34 PM on April 26, 2005


[ignore if you think this is worthy of MeTa; I don't]

So, cmonkey, you think busting out unfunny images to call out an unfunny post is...what again?

Funny?

Anyway, I clicked the link because of I trusted nervestaple's judgment on a library thing, and thought it was worth commenting that I found the link both lame and brief for a front page post (nervestaple, you might want to consider that your connection, however tangential, to the site has affected your judgment). Then I saw cmonkey's flashing ugly colors announcing a satirical LOL. What's the point of *that*?

Oh, right, to draw attention to cmonkey, who apparently needs visuals to express an opinion. Ok. Mission accomplished.
posted by mediareport at 8:35 PM on April 26, 2005


mediareport, you might want to consider the time-honored philosophy of LOL LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP.
posted by angry modem at 8:38 PM on April 26, 2005


Image hosted by Photobucket.com
posted by dhartung at 8:40 PM on April 26, 2005


Mediareport you're still way off topic. If you don't like the library rules maybe you should just tag it and move along.
posted by moift at 8:41 PM on April 26, 2005


1) There will be absolutely no reading of any kind in the library.

When I worked at a bookstore, if i found an interesting book in my cart to be shelved, I'd read it a bit of it on the sly. One day I overheard one assitant manager complain to another that she'd "caught [jon] reading the other day, keep an eye on him."
posted by jonmc at 8:41 PM on April 26, 2005


One of the high schools in Wisconsin (sorry, I can’t remember which) has three rules:
1. One butt per chair.
2. Feet relatively close to the ground.
3. No bleeding.

Perfect!
posted by tio2d at 8:44 PM on April 26, 2005


At least one can always count on MetaBickering to make an otherwise boring post entertaining.

For the record, I thought the psychedelic LOL was groovy, man.
posted by ddf at 8:45 PM on April 26, 2005


this strikes me as eminently ban-worthy, if only because it is a black-hole for funny.
posted by docpops at 8:46 PM on April 26, 2005


Oh, right, to draw attention to cmonkey, who apparently needs visuals to express an opinion. Ok. Mission accomplished.

If I wanted to draw attention to myself I could probably just start writing verbose responses to single inline image replies in threads. But I don't.

It's lighthearted, chief, relax.
posted by cmonkey at 8:47 PM on April 26, 2005


Mediareport:
I suppose that it was actually experiencing the library in question that affected my judgement.


I realize now that it's pretty lame otherwise, and I'm sorry for wasting your collective time.
posted by nervestaple at 8:48 PM on April 26, 2005


Mediareport, no breathing in the library!

That's the best LOL picture in the world.
posted by blacklite at 8:50 PM on April 26, 2005


nervestaple: You are a good sport. Carry on!
posted by mlis at 8:51 PM on April 26, 2005


Yes, the post was okay, if a bit marginal. However, note these rules on Metafilter:

1. Do not use bold AND italic for long strings of text.
...
2. Do not use ellipsis as punctuation outside of The Phantom.
...
3. NO

SPACE-WASTING

LINE

BREAKS
...

posted by brownpau at 9:01 PM on April 26, 2005


thattickles.jpg
posted by moonbird at 9:02 PM on April 26, 2005


Funny, I thought this was MetaFilter, not Fark.
posted by Tlahtolli at 9:12 PM on April 26, 2005



posted by Steve_at_Linnwood at 9:15 PM on April 26, 2005


harry morgan: it's not funny at all. something should be DONE about this sophmoric behavior! Who's with me?!!?!? I am disgusted with you all. Just dis-gus-ted. What with your FUN and your LIGHTHEARTEDNESS.

hmph.
posted by exlotuseater at 9:42 PM on April 26, 2005


*sophomoric

so sorry. I was really upset.
posted by exlotuseater at 9:43 PM on April 26, 2005


well, since this thread has become farked, here's my contribution:


posted by shoepal at 9:44 PM on April 26, 2005


Trust me, cmonkey, I'm relaxed. Be a dear, though, and read this:

I come to metafilter to read about sites on the web, and I read comments on posts to read people's reactions to the post. I expect to see text, and seeing an image is visually jarring, usually not funny when it is meant to be (rarely images are used to illustrate a point and you would never hear a complaint if perfectly good maps and charts were displayed inline (or linked) whenever appropriate). The use of images is mildly annoying for all, because someone has chosen to do something no one expected, and it is usually with mixed results.

All the previous discussions have concluded that a few images here and there are tolerable, but once they become too great, it's hard to read the text and download all the data, especially on slow connections, and at that point they're just plain annoying.

I hate to be the angry parent, but seriously, for the benefit of all, if people continue to abuse the privilege of posting inline images, if they keep posting stupid images that aren't funny and take up tons of screenspace and user bandwidth, the image tag is going away completely for everyone.

Remember when people used blaring red fonts on the home page and were unapologetic about it? I had to turn that off because users chose to abuse it, and the same thing is happening with images.
posted by mathowie at 8:11 PM PST on June 13


And this a bit further down:

I think it's clear that 99% of the people here Get It and understand they can post an image in any thread, but they choose not to. My problem is with the 1% that don't see the harm in making a lame joke and posting a goofy picture.

We're in a community here, and it'd be nice if people were more considerate of others.
posted by mathowie at 1:10 AM PST on June 14


Are we relaxed enough yet? I'm sure laughing over here, anyway.
posted by mediareport at 10:03 PM on April 26, 2005


it's easy to say you're laughing when you're crying, on the internet :(
posted by angry modem at 10:08 PM on April 26, 2005


Mediareport can you site any mathowie on the effect of blathering on about policy issues in the blue? Also, if you're concerned about losing inline images altogether, even for people like you who "get the web," wouldn't the best way to avoid that be to not whine about it in the first place?

Look what you've done to a perfectly good thread about unlikely library rules. Just look.
posted by moift at 10:12 PM on April 26, 2005


MediaReport, the intreweb was made for hall monitors like you. Good Show. Gold Star. Thumbs up. Hope that special table reaffirms your specialness. You have made MEtafilter safe once again.
posted by nearlife at 10:12 PM on April 26, 2005


oops I mean cite :/
posted by moift at 10:13 PM on April 26, 2005


Are we relaxed enough yet? I'm sure laughing over here, anyway.

What's your point? From what I've seen of Metafilter over the last few years, people really only post inline images in throwaway threads like this one. If it were really an issue to get all pissy over, Mr. Haughy could very easily strip out the <img> tags and then you wouldn't need to be all concerned about us ROFLOFL newbz ruining your innernetwebzites.
posted by cmonkey at 10:14 PM on April 26, 2005


"throwaway threads"? "hall monitors"? Whatever. Just chill on the images, guys, and I'll chill on the callouts in the blue. It's a community, we give and we take.

Deal?
posted by mediareport at 10:20 PM on April 26, 2005


Sure. Deal with it.
posted by nearlife at 10:25 PM on April 26, 2005


"throwaway threads"? "hall monitors"? Whatever. Just chill on the images, guys, and I'll chill on the callouts in the blue. It's a community, we give and we take.

Deal?



posted by moift at 10:26 PM on April 26, 2005


*applauds*

Perfect. See ya around.
posted by mediareport at 10:28 PM on April 26, 2005


this strife is like... like NAILS IN MY HEAD.

posted by exlotuseater at 10:42 PM on April 26, 2005



posted by blacklite at 11:10 PM on April 26, 2005


Image hosted by Photobucket.com
posted by stenseng at 11:23 PM on April 26, 2005



posted by LimePi at 11:32 PM on April 26, 2005


THERE IS NO CABAL


MEDIAREPORT TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN ;)
posted by Dreamghost at 11:34 PM on April 26, 2005


Image hosted by Photobucket.com
posted by stenseng at 11:40 PM on April 26, 2005



posted by nearlife at 12:49 AM on April 27, 2005


The post wasn't funny, but damnit this thread sure is.
posted by mek at 1:59 AM on April 27, 2005


mek:
Well, at least it wasn't a total loss and disgrace.
posted by nervestaple at 4:18 AM on April 27, 2005


All of you who didn't like this post should be warned that there is plenty of library "humour"out there that would have you gnashing your teeth and crying on the outside. Don't believe me? Here's a taste:

Q. How many catalogers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Ummm... AACR2R doesn't say. We'd better check the LCRIs to see what the Library of Congress does.


Don't make me tell you again, or I'll have to politely ask you to leave.
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:02 AM on April 27, 2005


nervestaple, you might want to consider that your connection, however tangential, to the site has affected your judgment

Just want to repeat that, for all of you who might be considering posting something that "I'm not really involved with, it's my cousin's roommate, but it's so cool..." If you have any personal involvement to a site, you can't be objective about it, and you run the risk of being publicly mocked and humiliated. So don't do it.

Also, aside from the general unfunniness of this site, it's several decades out of date. Libraries are desperate for patrons these days; they'll let you do just about anything you want, and some of them are even putting in coffee bars to compete with Barnes and Noble. My local library actually has a "Quiet Room."
posted by languagehat at 6:20 AM on April 27, 2005


That is bizarre, languagehat. The next thing you know, coffee shops will be selling books.

Oh, right.
posted by dg at 6:41 AM on April 27, 2005


I love the argument that this FPP was so lame and unfunny (which it definitely was) that the resulting thread is fine for dumbass inline images, but at the same time, mediareport is supposed to respect the rules and not critique them in this thread.
posted by soyjoy at 7:46 AM on April 27, 2005


Image
posted by dfowler at 7:49 AM on April 27, 2005


Some of the comments in the thread seem to miss that this is (I hope?!) a grade school library of some sort. Not quite as eager to kiss up to their patrons...
posted by Zurishaddai at 8:27 AM on April 27, 2005


I was once kicked out of a library for standing up.
posted by recursive at 9:25 AM on April 27, 2005


The Card Cheat: I know it's odd, but I actually laughed out loud (LOL'd) at that joke and then went and read it to my girlfriend in the shower.
posted by stet at 9:29 AM on April 27, 2005


Metafilter: I LOL'd and read it to my girlfriend in the shower
posted by found missing at 9:40 AM on April 27, 2005


Also, aside from the general unfunniness of this site, it's several decades out of date. Libraries are desperate for patrons these days; they'll let you do just about anything you want, and some of them are even putting in coffee bars to compete with Barnes and Noble.

That's true enough for public libraries, but not all libraries are public libraries. I can see it still being a good satire for some high school libraries.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:54 AM on April 27, 2005


Well, if you reclaim the appropriateness, you're still left with the unfunniness. Really, this has a few more semesters to go before even getting to "sophomoric."
posted by soyjoy at 10:03 AM on April 27, 2005


No Running
No Sacking
No Barbarians
No Fires

Demetrius Phalereus, Head Librarian
Royal Library of Alexandria
posted by Smedleyman at 1:27 PM on April 27, 2005


[pursing lips, putting index finger up to mouth]
Shhhhhhhhhh!
posted by gleenyc at 9:07 PM on April 27, 2005


HEY no barebacking in the library!
posted by gorgor_balabala at 9:33 PM on April 27, 2005


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