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romance across the aisle
April 27, 2005 12:32 PM   Subscribe

"I repeated every Karl Marx quote I could think of until I reached my own ‘historic inevitability’...." If you've ever wanted to see a liberal antagonist make Ann Coulter squirm, this may be as close as you ever get. (text & url NSFW.)
posted by stupidsexyFlanders (87 comments total)

 
Metafilter: I want you to wreck it.
posted by Mean Mr. Bucket at 12:38 PM on April 27, 2005


"Dear Penthouse Forum: I wouldn't believe this if it didn't happen to me...."
posted by SteveInMaine at 12:44 PM on April 27, 2005


It's obvious that this is a joke. Everyone knows that in real life it's always Ann who does the fucking.
posted by clevershark at 12:46 PM on April 27, 2005


Dang! It's fiction?!
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 12:49 PM on April 27, 2005


Of course it's a joke!

Everyone knows Ann Coulter's asshole has rows of teeth, like a shark's mouth, and the fact that this isn't mentioned even once kills the author's credibility, so the story is an obvious farce.
posted by SweetJesus at 12:52 PM on April 27, 2005


Banal.
posted by orthogonality at 12:56 PM on April 27, 2005


I thought it was sweet.
posted by adgnyc at 12:59 PM on April 27, 2005


Banal.

No. Banal.
posted by Verdant at 1:01 PM on April 27, 2005


My pace quickened as my man-magma built towards eruption.

"man-magma"?
posted by matteo at 1:03 PM on April 27, 2005


like a puma recognizes an injured giselle

I must say, I hesitated to interject a comment lest I interrupt the flawless flow of this thread, but the combination of y'all's comments are cracking me up.

*snurk*

posted by Specklet at 1:03 PM on April 27, 2005


"man-magma"?

I think "spooge" is the term used in mixed company.
posted by AlexReynolds at 1:07 PM on April 27, 2005


Who's your multi-ethnic, religiously tolerant, covered-by-national-health-care daddy?
posted by Saydur at 1:09 PM on April 27, 2005


I think "spooge" is the term used in mixed company.

"Wing-nut butter".
posted by felix betachat at 1:11 PM on April 27, 2005


I don't think it's funny to make fun of the functionally illiterate. She does the best she can.
posted by sonofsamiam at 1:17 PM on April 27, 2005


I think "spooge" is the term used in mixed company.

"baby batter" has always been a favorite of mine.
posted by jonmc at 1:19 PM on April 27, 2005


THIS is what has been missing from MeFi recently!!!

That was truly the best writing on the net -- even including TuckerMax and Philalawyer.
posted by zwemer at 1:21 PM on April 27, 2005


"giving no thought whatsoever to compassionate conservatism as her chocolate socket gnawed on my pork pipe."



wau.
posted by stenseng at 1:24 PM on April 27, 2005


That's some impressive bowel troweling, indeed.
posted by jonmc at 1:26 PM on April 27, 2005


Coulter is a living, breathing straw man. As long as people waste time attacking her, they are ignoring far more dangerous people.

That being said, I'd hit it.
posted by Joey Michaels at 1:27 PM on April 27, 2005


i.am.humbled.in.appreciation.dang.
posted by beelzbubba at 1:27 PM on April 27, 2005


I won't be happy until he writes a sequel that involves a Dunkey Punch, a Texas Hot Plate, and a Bismarck.
posted by gurple at 1:30 PM on April 27, 2005


"Thick southern drawl" is my preferred euphemism for semen.
posted by kenko at 1:31 PM on April 27, 2005



posted by jonmc at 1:35 PM on April 27, 2005


It's nice to know that P.J. O'Rourke is writing humor, again...
posted by jpburns at 1:36 PM on April 27, 2005


gurple,

as long as he includes a rodeo with al franken and bill clinton
posted by slapshot57 at 1:39 PM on April 27, 2005


gurple writes " I won't be happy until he writes a sequel that involves a Dunkey Punch, a Texas Hot Plate, and a Bismarck."

And leave out such gems as the Dirty Sanchez and the Cleveland Steamer? Surely not.
posted by clevershark at 1:45 PM on April 27, 2005


what about the flying squirrel, or the arabian goggles?
posted by stenseng at 1:46 PM on April 27, 2005


"man-magma"?

Of course it's man-magma. If it had exited the man, it would be man-lava, or perhaps love-lava.

Hopefully pahoehoe. Man-a'a would hurt.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:47 PM on April 27, 2005


gurple writes " I won't be happy until he writes a sequel that involves a Donkey Punch, a Texas Hot Plate, and a Bismarck."

And leave out such gems as the Dirty Sanchez and the Cleveland Steamer? Surely not.


This thread is going to crash urbandictionary.com if you're not careful!
posted by sninky-chan at 1:55 PM on April 27, 2005


I won't be happy until he writes a sequel that involves a Dunkey Punch, a Texas Hot Plate, and a Bismarck."

And leave out such gems as the Dirty Sanchez and the Cleveland Steamer? Surely not.


A good Eiffel Tower is where it's at... Not only is it degrading, it's French!

It's just a question of who's on the north end...
posted by SweetJesus at 1:59 PM on April 27, 2005


...What about the Millard Filmore? The Hell is Full and the Dammed are Walking the Earth? The China Town Panic Attack? The Blackula? The Beans on Toast? The RumRunner? The Hide the Baldwin? The Kansas City Paxil Refill? The Spiro Agnex Hip Extender or the rare and always fatal No Pockets in a Shroud?

lightweight.
posted by Divine_Wino at 2:01 PM on April 27, 2005


Damn, and here I am just sitting here Jostlin' the Elder!
posted by gurple at 2:04 PM on April 27, 2005


Coulter and Malkin are really awful human beings. But I must say I'm disturbed by their critics' impulse to want to rape them. This just isn't that fresh and I've seen similar stuff on blog comment boards across the nation.

If only it were up to the level of National Lampoon's "How To Write Pornography as told to Thurgood Marshall."
posted by inksyndicate at 2:06 PM on April 27, 2005


Uh, not rape, consensually violate them in a forceful and degrading manner, I meant.
posted by inksyndicate at 2:07 PM on April 27, 2005


Hmmm...the blog was created for just this post, with no way to determine the author. OK, MeFites, which one of you did this?
posted by LarryC at 2:12 PM on April 27, 2005


With the Danza cock shot MeFi exposé, I can't believe no one has mentioned the "Who's the Boss?" manuever.
posted by AlexReynolds at 2:25 PM on April 27, 2005


That was nice. But Ann Coulter has no asshole, or pussy or brain. She's a fucking anorexic android programmed to infuriate Democrats and arouse old GOP asshats who haven't seen their dicks in decades.

Joey Michaels is right thoough, she's a straw man. Giving her attention keeps people from concentrating on truly dangerous assholes with real power. And no, I would definitely not sink the pink with that nasty skank bitch.
posted by fenriq at 2:29 PM on April 27, 2005


Have to agree with fenriq. That's why she's on the cover of Time. While we're all frothing with impotent rage and writing silly-ass fiction, the Republicans can continue to rewrite bill descriptions, circumvent due process, and rewrite the rules of Congress to suit their needs. She's a "weapon of mass distraction."
posted by FormlessOne at 2:32 PM on April 27, 2005


...What about the Millard Filmore? The Hell is Full and the Dammed are Walking the Earth? The China Town Panic Attack? The Blackula? The Beans on Toast? The RumRunner? The Hide the Baldwin? The Kansas City Paxil Refill? The Spiro Agnex Hip Extender or the rare and always fatal No Pockets in a Shroud?

I have apparently lived my life in a vast wasteland of boring vanilla-fu. If any of you Heavy Hangers are ever up SF way, lay some of that China Town Panic Attack on me.
posted by digaman at 2:37 PM on April 27, 2005


"baby batter"

Doesn't anyone call it "jizz" anymore? Damn.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 2:40 PM on April 27, 2005


Hold on, shes on the cover of Time and we should ignore her? The reason the GOP is able to do all those nasty things is because they have people like Ann or Bill O'Reilly or Scarabough keeping the rank and file talking and thinking about their talking points and their agenda without asking any critical questions. She's not a diversion, she's a GOP soldier and propagandist on the front lines and as such deserves as much criticism as people can dish out.
posted by skallas at 2:42 PM on April 27, 2005


skallas' right. not to mention, as the RudePundit pointed out -- I've seen this Anal Coulter blog first on RudePundit last night, by the way -- the TIME story was a shameful, er, political blow job
posted by matteo at 2:52 PM on April 27, 2005


posted by AlexReynolds With the Danza cock shot MeFi exposé, I can't believe no one has mentioned the "Who's the Boss?" manuever.

Or the "Hot Koulter."
posted by fandango_matt at 2:53 PM on April 27, 2005


Funny enough, almost the exact same thing happened to me. I got Ann up to my apartment, and things were going pretty well, but once the eight-foot long demon sprung from her cornhole and swallowed my cat I couldn't keep an erection, no matter how much I thought of Barbara Boxer.
posted by underer at 2:54 PM on April 27, 2005


inksyndicate writes " Coulter and Malkin are really awful human beings. But I must say I'm disturbed by their critics' impulse to want to rape them."

Yawn. Where exactly did you see this "impulse to want to rape them"? This story, silly as it is, doesn't even have a hint of rape in it!
posted by clevershark at 3:07 PM on April 27, 2005


Guess I was a little quick on the button there. Still, imagining her being degraded and liking it, is better than trying to maintain moral outrage at the god-awful things she says and writes. I mean, she's on the record as saying that the only thing McVeigh did wrong was to choose the Murrah building to detonate instead of the New York Times. She said that deliberately in a newspaper interview. It's accessible to everyone, but evidently people choose to believe she didn't say it, despite the evidence.

So, it's better to laugh at the sort of scum she is, than to be depressed by reminding ourselves that people actually choose to surrender their brains to her anti-intellectual cant.
posted by clevershark at 3:13 PM on April 27, 2005


Wow. Today I learned the difference between man-magma and man-lava before. I had never really thought about it before.
posted by grouse at 3:20 PM on April 27, 2005


Wait. Ass-fucking is bad?
posted by mediareport at 3:21 PM on April 27, 2005


Ooohhh ok SEX SEX SEX XES XES XES

1. It's is good to hate Ann Coulter or maybe the frustration could be channelled toward convincing her acolytes that she isn't but an agitator ?

2. Is it good to fantasize fucking her(?) in the ass or maybe the dominance fantasy is better channeled with your gf (which may enjoy) and then you two togheter write on some FreeR...ehmm..I mean on some extremist website and jank their chain ? It's not unlike the same is being done on Kos.
posted by elpapacito at 3:28 PM on April 27, 2005


Anal Coulter?
posted by Snyder at 3:32 PM on April 27, 2005


heh.

Still, imagining her being degraded and liking it

look, why should a taste for anal sex and dirty talk be somehow "degrading"? more power to those who like it. you know, consenting adults and shit like that. there's no rape in the story, just consensual anal sex. bring it on I say.
posted by matteo at 3:46 PM on April 27, 2005


Well, it's hard to argue that the tone of the story generally is pretty degrading. Hey, some people enjoy that, some even pay good money for that sort of treatment... one shouldn't necessarily equate degrading and non-consensual.
posted by clevershark at 4:00 PM on April 27, 2005


Hardcore.
posted by furtive at 4:06 PM on April 27, 2005


Metafilter: A very liberal, even radically so, quantity of hot splooey.
posted by StopMakingSense at 4:11 PM on April 27, 2005


bring it on I say.

or in, even.
posted by mr.marx at 4:14 PM on April 27, 2005


Wait. Ass-fucking is bad?

Not according to the Bible.
posted by homunculus at 4:36 PM on April 27, 2005


I ejaculated with what seemed like enough force to blow out the back of her head--but her head was made of stronger stuff.

That is so damn hilarious. Nice job, author.
posted by Kloryne at 5:57 PM on April 27, 2005


Now the "Static Burrito," that would be degrading.
posted by PhatLobley at 6:47 PM on April 27, 2005


Good god, you people need to move out of your momma's basement...

Truly pathetic cant and rant, devoid of a the slightest scintilla of real intellect.

Any of you ever clerk for an apppeals court justice? Write a NY Times Bestseller? Or maybe several?

No, didn't think so...Ann is a convenient punching bag for the intellectually feckless, as we see on this thread.
posted by 1016 at 7:51 PM on April 27, 2005


inksyndicate, does "How To Write Pornography as told to Thurgood Marshall" really exist? I'd love to read it, unless, of course, it is another gawdawful piece of McSweeney's pornography.
posted by blahblahblah at 8:00 PM on April 27, 2005


1016 writes " No, didn't think so...Ann is a convenient punching bag for the intellectually feckless, as we see on this thread."

LOL... please do send me some of you literature! Do you also share Ann's on-the-record opinion that the only thing wrong with Tim McVeigh is that he DIDN'T blow up the NY Times building instead of the Murrah?
posted by clevershark at 8:01 PM on April 27, 2005


Pornography? But I don't even own a pornograph!
posted by clevershark at 8:02 PM on April 27, 2005


clevershark, so her satirical remark is disgusting, but all this stuff on this thread is legit?

Haven't seen anything remotely intellectually powerful here...just flaccid would-be withering commentary.

She's a lot smarter than me. And the rest of you snarkers, too.

I don't always agree with her stuff. But she is a formidable intellect.
posted by 1016 at 8:22 PM on April 27, 2005


And, apparently, she takes it up the poop-chute with wild abandon!
posted by Balisong at 8:37 PM on April 27, 2005


1016 writes " She's a lot smarter than me. And the rest of you snarkers, too."

Feel free to speak for yourself. Your qualifications for judging my intellect are very much lacking.
posted by clevershark at 8:38 PM on April 27, 2005


That was amazing. I wish there was some sort of prize we could send the writer. It could have had a little more vitriol, though.

Hold on, shes on the cover of Time and we should ignore her?
Wasn't that the ugliest picture you've ever seen? The Time photographer clearly did not want to make her look good in any way. What a hideous angle.
posted by blacklite at 9:01 PM on April 27, 2005


But she is a formidable intellect.

Who regularly gets facts wrong (or lies, for those who prefer a sharper version) and fails to correct herself. I'm sorry, but it's hardly a mark of a "formidable intellect" to be so intellectually dishonest.
posted by mediareport at 9:02 PM on April 27, 2005


She's a lot smarter than me. And the rest of you snarkers, too.

Speak for yourself, thanks.
posted by AlexReynolds at 10:26 PM on April 27, 2005


Know who else was smarter then me? Hitler!

No, wait...
posted by Snyder at 10:40 PM on April 27, 2005


so her satirical remark is disgusting, but all this stuff on this thread is legit?

No one in this thread has used the deaths of hundreds of Americans as fodder for satire.

Haven't seen anything remotely intellectually powerful here...just flaccid would-be withering commentary.

"Flaccid" is an odd choice to use in this thread. That said, Ms Coulter hasn't demonstrated intellect, only cleverness in constructing inflammatory remarks. She's a propagandist, not a philosopher.
posted by me & my monkey at 12:31 AM on April 28, 2005


Yeah, me & my monkey, and you and everybody else who's gleefully piled on here are regular Platos.

"Flaccid" is a perfect choice to use to describe the commentary on this thread.
posted by 1016 at 4:13 AM on April 28, 2005


I come back for a public service announcement

Stop giving attention to the messenger, like "trolls" they disruptively feed on attention. Any attempt to discredit the messanger will be constructed as a character assassination attempt , concentrate on the jingoistic message and expose the underlying nonsense.

We return to our normal thread, nothing to see keep going.
posted by elpapacito at 4:56 AM on April 28, 2005


She's a lot smarter than me.

I agree, but that's not saying much, sadly.
posted by matteo at 5:47 AM on April 28, 2005


elpapacito, this entire thread is a troll.

matteo, you know me? Didn't think so.
posted by 1016 at 6:08 AM on April 28, 2005


1016: Yeah, but the math is simple. You've admitted that you regard Coulter as more intelligent than yourself. As she is an inveterate, histrionic liar and one who backs lockstep fealty to some of the dumbest policies in American history, she can't be considered more than an average intellect with a noted skill at being mean and spiteful.
Therefore, a great percentage of the population is either smarter than her, or equal in intelligence to her, and— by your own admission— smarter than you.
Hope that I've cleared this up for you. If, in the future, you should ever need another lesson on how dumb you are, my email's availible and I can do a private consultation at quite reasonable rates.
posted by klangklangston at 6:32 AM on April 28, 2005


I'd hit it!
posted by jennanemone at 6:38 AM on April 28, 2005


klangklangston: "backs lockstep fealty to some of the dumbest policies in American history"

Fail English 101?

"Backs lockstep fealty"? Just how does one do that?

I mean, I think I get what you're trying (over-reachingly, I might add) to say, but get a style and usage manual before you try again.

No lessons needed from you, on any matter, thank you very much.
posted by 1016 at 7:04 AM on April 28, 2005


Any of you ever clerk for an appeals court justice?

Appeals court judges are activists to a man and are destroying the rule of law in this country as they legislate from the bench. To serve them is to serve in shame.

Write a NY Times Bestseller?

The NYT bestseller list is part and parcel with the lies and Stalinist ravings of Jayson Blair and Maureen Dowd. Howell Raines used to make it up every Wednesday afternoon, in consultation with a mysterious Frenchman. Everybody knows this. Now that he's been exposed and removed, they use a computer program they got from Cuba. Cuba, for G-d's sake. As my bumper sticker informs the world: "The New York Times: Slightly to the Left of Lenin". Why should I trust their fake lists designed to line people up behind their sick and depraved commie agenda?
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 7:15 AM on April 28, 2005


That was surprisingly easy. I think I'm ready for a full time gig at townhall.com.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 7:16 AM on April 28, 2005


1016 is more than 9 111s
posted by fullerine at 7:33 AM on April 28, 2005


But she is a formidable intellect.
Oh, please. If you must trot out some Republican shill-wench as an 'intellect' at least give us Malkin, who can actually form a sentence, despite being a horrible person.
Coulter is by far the crappiest, most underinformed, and least intelligible writer on the opinion page.
And she didn't used to be as bad as she is now, either. The quality of her articles has really fallen off. If it weren't for her pathetic cult of personality that's flashing in the national pan, she'd have been dropped from most distributors long ago.
posted by sonofsamiam at 7:43 AM on April 28, 2005


get a style and usage manual before you try again

Snort. The one you consulted before writing this little treasure? "Haven't seen anything remotely intellectually powerful here...just flaccid would-be withering commentary." Pot calling the snowdrift black.
posted by George_Spiggott at 10:16 AM on April 28, 2005


I couldn't imagine myself bringing any sort of pleasure or even catharsis for, to, by, etc. that woman.
She's not particularly good looking, but beauty is truly on the inside. I'm disgusted by what I see there. Long-night-nearly-alcohol-poisoned-dry-heave disgusted, not the good kind.
...This would be quite apart from her politics (which I merely ignore as fatuous).
Not a bad piece really, but it didn't thrill me. I suppose you really have to hate her to enjoy it.
I merely want to not have anything to do with her. Much like cancer or herpes.
posted by Smedleyman at 10:25 AM on April 28, 2005


Well done, PinkStainlessTail!
posted by languagehat at 10:34 AM on April 28, 2005


Did anyone else notice the snappy, liberal arguments thrown in with the ass-fucking? I was particularly fond of comparing private social security accounts to flooding the baseball card market with capital. [Or did you just skip to the good parts?]

We're all too busy gaping at the strawman with a dick between her cheeks to understand the point: Americans love porn, and they'll read anything - even Karl Marx & Noam Chomsky - if it's got enough blowjobs and cum shots. The author lured right and left wingers alike in with the promise of sexually degrading controversy, then shot a wad of liberal political values straight at the back of our throats. Well played, indeed.
posted by junkbox at 2:10 PM on April 28, 2005


Actually, I agree with languagehat--PinkStainlessTail's post showed some thought, rather than just angry ranting.

Well done!
posted by 1016 at 2:40 PM on April 28, 2005


So this asshole.... it vibrates??
posted by yarf at 6:38 PM on April 28, 2005


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