AT&T sells sex favors?!

May 11, 2005 12:24 AM

Verizon trains its employees to accept gays?! What are those mad future robots thinking? (via Wonkette)
posted by shoppingforsanity (43 comments total)

Umm, it seems like they don't quite "get" the whole Internet thing. That said, it's not "via Wonkette", it is Wonkette.
posted by thedevildancedlightly at 12:30 AM on May 11, 2005

I'm literally speechless.
posted by seanyboy at 12:34 AM on May 11, 2005

Mr. Mirman: MCI has hardcore child pornography?

United American Technologies: Yes, they are. They have a pedophile Web site for men who love boys. It's a Montréal based Web site....

Mr. Mirman: And so MCI basically has a child pornography ring?

United American Technologies: That's correct.


This is slander, right? You can slander a corporation, can't you?
posted by mr_roboto at 12:38 AM on May 11, 2005

This is slander, right? You can slander a corporation, can't you?

I think it's a fundamental mis-understanding of how the Web works. MCI is a huge backbone provider, it's quite possible that they provide lines to somebody who then sells to NAMBLA (or whatever). They don't quite understand that MCI has nothing to do with the local reseller or NAMBLA.
posted by thedevildancedlightly at 12:43 AM on May 11, 2005

That said, even though I disagree with the criteria that these people are using to select telecommuncations providers, it's better through the market than through the government. After all it wasn't that long about that MeFites were rallying to boycott Microsoft for not supporting equal-rights legislation, let's let them have their free speech by selecting their own tiny slice of the telecom market.
posted by thedevildancedlightly at 12:45 AM on May 11, 2005

Stop being so serious! It's just damn funny is what it is - and don't you feel a little sorry for the woman?

From the second mp3:
Mirman: Like the fist of God, we will smash them!
United American Technologies: Exactly.

I mean seriously, did the woman even think about what was being said? She was probably so nervous and excited to possibly make a sale that she was just agreeing no matter what. No excuse, but still I feel a bit sorry for her...
posted by shoppingforsanity at 12:54 AM on May 11, 2005

I would have asked about the possibility of calling a gay phone sex line using the strictly anti-gay provider.
posted by Down10 at 1:32 AM on May 11, 2005

Stop being so serious! It's just damn funny is what it is

Sorry. HAHAHAHHA. CHRISTIANS ARE TEH FUNNEY!

As for the woman I feel a bit bad because I'm reasonably willing to bet that she works on commission, or failing that might just be at a generic call-center that sells for many of the micro-telecoms. A few relatives of mine have worked in [incoming] catalog sales call-centers and they take orders for a variety of unrelated companies. They just work off a script and an order form for each company. There's no reason why an operator couldn't take a call for UAT and then handle a call for Bob's Sex Toy Depot. The computer pops up the appropriate script for each, they just read it and key the data. People who go off-script are problems.

Hard to tell from the dialogue, but giving shit to some poor call-center operator always struck me as a bad form of protest given that most call-center operators are near the bottom of the US economic food chain.

Stupid concept, but whatever. Not worth more attention. They have their views.
posted by thedevildancedlightly at 1:49 AM on May 11, 2005

Mirman: Like the fist of God, we will smash them!

United American Technologies: Exactly.

bizarro-Mirman: here's an idea, why don't we let the great and powerful God use his own damn fist.
posted by three blind mice at 1:50 AM on May 11, 2005

bizarro-Mirman: here's an idea, why don't we let the great and powerful God use his own damn fist

Again, I know I'm being too serious and ruining the fun, but Mr. Mirman is clearly trying to bait the call-center operator (go to his website at http://eugenemirman.com) into staying something stupid and she falls for it. I'll bet she could give a rat's ass.

It sounds like she's working off a script and she is trying to get the caller back on-script when he starts to stray and just says "sure, yes, exactly" to try and get him back in line.

Mr. Mirman describes himself as a "comedian", no wonder these calls are almost funny.
posted by thedevildancedlightly at 2:05 AM on May 11, 2005

thedevildancelightly, yes, don't ruin the fun.

press one to oppose same sex marriages

press two to oppose the homosexual lifestyle.

press two again just to make sure.

press three if you oppose the liberal agenda.

hang up if you oppose us.

here is the united american technologies home page.

so let me get this straight... Gay T&T's business model is to sell phone service to well paid homosexuals. since the "homosexual lifestyle" - whatever that is - probably requires a lot of bandwidth this is sure to generate a lot of revenue.

UAT's business model is to sell an overpriced telephone service to uneducated bigots who probably don't have two cents to rub together.

sounds fair to me. let the market decide.
posted by three blind mice at 3:18 AM on May 11, 2005

Won't they feel phunny when their shiny-new phone service providers:

--turn out to cost more than their old one

--have even lousier service, or

--take their money and vanish

Besides, everyone knows Jesus was all about Sprint. (Actually, I can't back that up at all, but I thought it was a good one-liner.)
posted by deusdiabolus at 3:34 AM on May 11, 2005

Metafilter: Like the fist of God, we will smash them.

Ignorant retards conned into switching phone service providers. This is bad how?
posted by emelenjr at 4:24 AM on May 11, 2005

Up to 10% of your phone bill is donated to RepublicanPac to support our cause of Individual Liberty and Limited self-government!
posted by birdherder at 4:24 AM on May 11, 2005

A cut of the proceeds helps fund conservative political campaigns, via a 527 called "Faith Family and Freedom" created by the Republican floor leader of the Oklahoma House of Representatives.

Jeebus if this isn't like the same Call for Christ scheme I don't know what it is...if it quacks and walks like a duck is either a duck or a scam; these are complex times indeed.

XQU: Christian fundamentalists runned an ISP ? That's a sin as big as an house they were helping evil enter poor childrens houses..oh ok not so poor with internet, but still evil entering the houses !
posted by elpapacito at 5:00 AM on May 11, 2005

This is so frigging brilliant. "Do you guys provide DSL? No. Arrrghhh."
posted by VulcanMike at 5:20 AM on May 11, 2005

Is there a way to block all calls from a particular phone network?
posted by blag at 5:26 AM on May 11, 2005

With 2000 customers reportedly switching to United American Technologies each month, Christian-based lying and phone homophobia is a lucrative business.

I'm kind of confused by the urge to bear false witness to advance what one believes is God's will. I mean, I'm a Christian and all that. I understand how many people feel it is justified to lie to advance a worthy cause, especially if they feel Evil/Satan/Teh Gay also lies to promote their agenda. But regardless of what tactics the other side employs, Christians have this set of rules our fearless Leader gave us and we're supposed to follow them. If we believe in the rightness of our cause and the power of our God, we shouldn't have to resort to cheating and underhanded tricks to achieve our goals, no matter what methods the other guys use. I would like to apologize on behalf of Christians who have such a low opinion of our God.
posted by Doohickie at 5:37 AM on May 11, 2005

You mean that "taking the high road" madness, Doohickie?

But then you couldn't take advantage of One Nation Under God Service Plan 1, which offers unlimited local and long distance for just $49.95.
posted by Mercaptan at 5:56 AM on May 11, 2005

Wow, that's really freaking expensive. I have all that stuff, and most of the options, and don't pay nearly as much. Shit, you can get a cell phone with unlimited calls for less than that!

But oh boy, they provide dialup service for the backass small town (pop 3000) I'm stuck in. And look, only $10 less than what I currently pay for broadband. Why, that would be a value at, um, a substantially lower price than what they charge.

Why is it that adding God onto any product automatically increases the price by about 25%? Is He that hard up for cash? If this is how God handles His money, can He even manage to get Himself an unsecured credit card?
posted by Kellydamnit at 6:12 AM on May 11, 2005

thedevildancedlightly: If you really think a multi-business call center is handling these phone calls, you're absolutely insane. No standard company would touch that business because they'd get sued to hell and back by their employees.
posted by mosch at 6:37 AM on May 11, 2005

Besides, everyone knows Jesus was all about Sprint.

Heh. Replace that pin drop with a bloody nail and you got yourselves a viral marketing campaign!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:39 AM on May 11, 2005

Again, I know I'm being too serious and ruining the fun, but Mr. Mirman is clearly trying to bait the call-center operator (go to his website at http://eugenemirman.com) into staying something stupid and she falls for it. I'll bet she could give a rat's ass.

Uh huh. Five comments trying to find an appropriate apologia for this wingnut lunacy? Perhaps you should take a bit more time to think about it first.
posted by Armitage Shanks at 6:43 AM on May 11, 2005

I'm sort of amused this is only making the rounds now; I believe Eugene got the first call right at the end of 2004.

Eugene has always been very good at goading people on the phone; he also has a bit with a call where he tries to buy back his debt from a company his bank sold the debt to.

His CD is worth picking up, if you're into deadpan bizarre humor. </pepsiblue>
posted by Remy at 6:52 AM on May 11, 2005

That said, it's not "via Wonkette", it is Wonkette.

No it isn't... it is Eugene Mirman, who is a comedian and, IMHO, a pretty darn good one. To me these calls are just as horrifying as they are humorous, but I've seen Eugene live before and his act is quite good.
posted by spilon at 7:09 AM on May 11, 2005

Verizon trains its employees to accept gays

That's very nice, but I prefer to pay by check.
posted by jonmc at 7:17 AM on May 11, 2005

spilion

Yes, but he's linking to Wonkette, not Mirman, ergo it is Wonkette.
posted by keswick at 7:46 AM on May 11, 2005

jonmc, together you and I ... we'll destroy the gays.
posted by WolfDaddy at 7:53 AM on May 11, 2005

Hard to tell from the dialogue, but giving shit to some poor call-center operator always struck me as a bad form of protest given that most call-center operators are near the bottom of the US economic food chain.

Yes, I remember that time I had a shitty telemarketing job in college. We had to call around to people and get them to buy OxyClean because Procter & Gamble is run by a bunch of nigger-loving jews.

Oh, give me a break. I heart Eugene Mirman.
posted by fungible at 8:00 AM on May 11, 2005

It's almost slander (or maybe libel, I always forget which is spoken and which is printed). But they probably honestly think they're telling the truth, and for a statement to be slanderous, the originator needs to know it's false as well as to intend financial harm with it and have a reasonable chance of inflicting that harm. But it's more slanderesque than the sort of thing that's usually called slander on the 'net!
posted by kavasa at 8:07 AM on May 11, 2005

Kavasa: No, they don't. While truth is a good defense in slander cases (spoken=slander), it isn't an absolute one. I can't disclose in the press that you, a private citizen, said repeatedly said you (or your wife or whatever) had an abortion simply to defame your character.
There's a different standard with regard to celebrities, who have a lower expectation of privacy, but still, there must be a legitimate reason to disclose the information. Further, if I disclose defaming information that I believe to be true but is in fact not, that's the textbook example of slander.
posted by klangklangston at 10:03 AM on May 11, 2005

I like the picture of the kid plugging his ears on the front page of their site.
posted by mcsweetie at 10:04 AM on May 11, 2005

The bigger lie is that even if you switch to this "Christian carrier" to avoid catching "teh gay" from all these evil companies, you're still doing business with these very same evil companies.

United American Technologies is leasing the same network lines/capacity as any other long distance (reseller) carrier -- or have they been laying fiber optic cable from coast to coast when no one was looking?

Basically their customers are just paying extra to have a (fake) Christian lie to them about it as some sort of evil middleman.

[this is good]
posted by jca at 10:58 AM on May 11, 2005

fungible: how did you keep from bursting out laughing midway through reciting the sales spiel?
posted by alumshubby at 11:06 AM on May 11, 2005

alumshubby: I think he was kidding.
posted by mr_roboto at 11:51 AM on May 11, 2005

press one to oppose same sex marriages

press two to oppose the homosexual lifestyle.

press two again just to make sure.

press three if you oppose the liberal agenda

*Presses 6, then presses #. Hangs up*
posted by C17H19NO3 at 1:04 PM on May 11, 2005

Did anyone else wish he pointed out the legal recognition of corporate personhood when she said "I don't think you can personify phone companies in that way"? And more importantly what can the government do prevent the merger of two similarly-gendered corporations?
posted by nTeleKy at 2:14 PM on May 11, 2005

that's the textbook example of slander.

It would be much eaiser for a telco or State Attorney General to nail them on misleading representation and/or deceptive marketing, which this is.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 2:43 PM on May 11, 2005

Note also that their site is full of lies about their service -- they claim a "high-speed dialup services" that's five times faster than a regular 56K dialup.

That's just a blatant lie. A standard phone line has a maximum capacity to transfer information and 56K is very close to that capacity. There are few tricks you can pull to speed up say text transfer but you aren't even going to be able to get 2x the speed, let alone 5x.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 4:27 PM on May 11, 2005

"High speed dialup" uses text compression and some caching tricks to get the site to the user faster. So Metafilter might load 5X faster than on a 56k, but a image-laden site like flickr wouldn't.

They're not the only ISP to make such claim, regardless the customers would take the claim on faith alone.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 5:53 PM on May 11, 2005

I was wondering how that 5x stuff worked. Just out of curiosity (I have broadband cable).
posted by Doohickie at 8:27 AM on May 12, 2005

Yeah, I really feel sorry for this woman. She also lost her job selling Zyklon B-ell.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 6:46 PM on May 12, 2005

I was going to post this to MetaFilter just now, but I searched first. Great stuff.
posted by MrMoonPie at 12:50 PM on May 20, 2005