Evil brides

May 24, 2005 2:23 PM

What is it about planning a wedding that turns normal women into bridezillas? Please shut up about your fucking wedding.
posted by chicken nuglet (101 comments total)

Uh.. Are you just trying to sell shirts, or what?
posted by absalom at 2:34 PM on May 24, 2005

Yawn.
posted by clever sheep at 2:36 PM on May 24, 2005

Dumb and sexist. Next.
posted by docgonzo at 2:37 PM on May 24, 2005

A buddy of mine had two women reporting to him who were getting married about a week apart...for months all he heard about was floral arrangements, catering, registry, bridesmaid dresses, rehearsal dinner party favors, ad nauseam...neither of them made a ton of money, and they came from middle class, but comfortable backgrounds. Each dropped a ton of dough on the wedding. I think my pal might have been tempted to wear one of those t-shirts.

Ambrose Bierce defined "mausoleum" as the final and funniest folly of the rich.

Big-ass weddings are the first and most ludicrous folly of a marriage.
posted by 1016 at 2:37 PM on May 24, 2005

We need a shirt that says, "please shut up about your fucking baby." Remember the scene in dumb and dumber where he asks about the most annoying sound in the world? It's scientifically proven to be the sound of a new mother blathering about her child.
posted by tcobretti at 2:42 PM on May 24, 2005

Bankrupting yourself by throwing a party is jackassery. Throwing a big party that you CAN afford, for everyone you really care about... that's something we don't do a lot in modern society.

Some friends of mine dropped $5K on a "coming out" party for their baby, to introduce her to all their friends. I thought they were nuts... but everybody had a great time and I think it meant a lot to everyone that they were included... and everybody had a great first experience with the new kid.

Not saying I'd do the same, but simply throwing a big party isn't, of itself, something to jump down someone's throat for.
posted by gurple at 2:43 PM on May 24, 2005

Having survived the wedding planning ordeal, I can safely say that people put WAAAAY too much importance on this single day. Dropping $30K for a one day party is an amazing waste of money.

1016, it sounds like, to them, the wedding was their one moment to shine and "be the princess" that they just knew they really were inside.
posted by fenriq at 2:43 PM on May 24, 2005

> We need a shirt that says, "please shut up about your fucking baby."

read my mind.
posted by chowder at 2:45 PM on May 24, 2005

Eh.
posted by me3dia at 2:45 PM on May 24, 2005

One of the lesser reasons I feel badly about the divorce I'll eventually be going through (separated at present) is the wad of cash her mom dropped on the wedding reception. On the other hand, MIL doesn't have much use for me, so I guess I'll manage to sleep OK after all.
posted by alumshubby at 2:48 PM on May 24, 2005

OH BUT LOOK THE BABY IS SO CUTE LOOK IT SPITS AND COOS

* holds up generibaby and puts it right in your face *
posted by xmutex at 2:51 PM on May 24, 2005

*koff*shill*koff*
posted by Specklet at 2:54 PM on May 24, 2005

MeTa
posted by MLIS at 2:58 PM on May 24, 2005

Please add "house" to wedding and baby.
posted by cali at 3:04 PM on May 24, 2005

Please add "latest surgery" to house, wedding, and baby.
posted by docpops at 3:06 PM on May 24, 2005

Please add "Blog" to house, wedding and baby. Oops. Meta.
posted by The Bellman at 3:09 PM on May 24, 2005

Please shut up about your government-issued license to fuck. ;-P
posted by mischief at 3:09 PM on May 24, 2005

PML Ditto to all the above. (Except the Meta grump.)
Just as we childless/childfree people don't think your child is as perfect as you do, single people like me roll eyes at the whole Big Wedding thing.

My nephew's (supposedly) getting married this summer. Just decided last month - too late for a big party, right? Nope, evidently she (a nice person) has gone a bit Bridezilla. Dragging him to other towns to find the Perfect Ring, the best reception hall. Meanwhile, no one in the family even knows the date or who's invited. (Which is rude, because we have to make travel plans.)

And then there's my niece, whose second wedding was as big as the first - white dress and all.

And my sister, who resented that my surgery might interfere with her THIRD wedding a week later. (And we won't go into the logistical nightmare of her second wedding. :P)

Bridezillas indeed.
posted by NorthernLite at 3:14 PM on May 24, 2005

Excuse me, but shouldn't that be Bridejira?
posted by GrammarMoses at 3:22 PM on May 24, 2005

posted by quonsar at 3:22 PM on May 24, 2005

Damn, I had no idea MetaFilter was populated by bitter spinsters and permanent bachelors who look upon breeders with deep, deep contempt.

Let's see, planning my wedding was a pain in the ass and took a damned long time.
I do have the sweetest and most wonderful little boy on the whole planet.
My house needs alot of work but that's half the fun (the other half is watching the equity meter spin so fast it keeps catching fire).
My blog is awesome and has pictures of my son and my house.
And I haven't had any surgeries recently but I'm planning on having my eyes repaired soon.

Thanks so much for asking.
posted by fenriq at 3:27 PM on May 24, 2005

Dear Lord. Look at the dresses and the personal confessions.
posted by schroedinger at 3:34 PM on May 24, 2005

Damn, I had no idea MetaFilter was populated by bitter spinsters and permanent bachelors who look upon breeders with deep, deep contempt.

Word. Except for the "breeders" part. But the rest of it: word. So: let's hijack this thread already:

My wedding kicked ass- we did most of it ourselves, except for the 20-peice swing orchestra, which still gets talked about at family gatherings.
I have a blog about my son. And it too rocks. Nyah!
My house is pretty cool, but mostly because my wife and son are in it a lot.
I had eye surgery when I was 2 years old.
posted by eustacescrubb at 3:46 PM on May 24, 2005

fenriq: Damn, I had no idea MetaFilter was populated by bitter spinsters and permanent bachelors who look upon breeders with deep, deep contempt.

There are some things that you just had to have been there, and words or even pictures simply do not describe how wonderful it was for the participants involved.

And for those who were actually there, word's or pictures don't come close to describing it, all you can say is, "remember that time when..." and pass into a moment of silence.

So, shuddap about it already.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 3:46 PM on May 24, 2005

For the runup to my wedding, we spent most of our time heading off my mother-in-law's cockamamie ideas of how weddings ought to go - overblown, Jesus-soaked, full of stinky flowers with a lame dance afterwards - into a manageable experience. Not too big, not all kitsched up, just an opportunity for our family and friends to come out and have a good time with us. A day-long party with a wedding in the middle and some speeches and songs afterwards. And the best part? Because my wife's family is Mennonite, they avoid the booze, so we took home enough alcohol to last us long past the honeymoon. Six month bender equals solid foundation for a lasting marriage. Or so I've heard.
posted by palinode at 4:03 PM on May 24, 2005

I would imagine the pictures are pretty interesting, palinode. With one side getting soused up and the other sitting, staring and slowly shaking their head disapprovingly.
posted by fenriq at 4:13 PM on May 24, 2005

Fenriq. Whoah. Were you at my wedding? Because you pretty much captured it. My side - drinking. Their side - hymn singing. My wife - drinking. My mother-in-law - smiling through the tension.

It was glorious.
posted by palinode at 4:18 PM on May 24, 2005

No one's coming down on you for breeding. It's the non-stop talking about birthing plans and brand new babies that I'd like to see referenced on a t-shirt. I have a friend that sent me a 4 minute quicktime movie he made of he and his wife's experience with a child birth. That's the kind of behavior I'm talking about. I couldn't watch the whole thing, maybe I have no heart.
posted by chowder at 4:21 PM on May 24, 2005

Do Mennonites still make the husband's brother marry the widow if the husband dies?
posted by longsleeves at 4:23 PM on May 24, 2005

Jeeze people ... bitter much?

Ignoring the snarkiness of the post and addressing the question: why do women turn into bridezilla? Having just gotten married about 3 weeks ago, I feel qualified to comment. First of all, the wedding you envision when you first get engaged - intimate, simple, elegant, inexpensive - gets skewed by family expectations. At least it was that way for me. Sure, I could have said "screw you", but my immediate and extended family is important to me and I wanted them to be there. Therefore the funky Bollywood-themed little wedding got the axe and I ended up agreeing to the full-on white dress church ceremony. With that came the pressure (thanks mom) to not embarrass myself and the family by having any aspect of the wedding - dress, food, flowers, etc.,- be less than outstanding.

And if you're like me you don't have a clue as to how to go about planning a wedding. If you don't know how to plan one, you don't know when you are veering into dangerous territory until you're already in over your head. By the time you realize that you should have just gone to Vegas, it's too late. You're stuck arguing with your mother and your fiance about whether or not it's appropriate to play the Clancy Brothers at the reception, whether or not the open bar should close after dinner or after the cake cutting, and so on. You find yourself pounding your fist on the table and bellowing, "Dammit, it's my fucking wedding and I'm not having Jordan Almonds for wedding favors. I hate fucking Jordan Almonds and I hate people who like them. Fuck 'em - they're getting cookies, dammit."

So there you are, one week before your wedding. It's 4 AM. You're drunk. You're wearing white satin heels with tube socks over them and you are making wedding favors. The night before you yelled at your mother that for once and for all, you were not going to buy Scotch and Rye for the bar, if the guests want whiskey they going to have to make do with Jameson's and if they have a problem with it, they can take it up with you.

Was it worth it? Yes. I got to spend time with family that I only see at funerals. We had a kick-ass band. The food was great. Everyone had a great time. I can honestly say that it was one of the happiest days of my life. The best part? Hearing from family members that they were sure that the whole thing was an elaborate Andy Kaufman-esque prank because they could not concieve of me having anything remotely resembling a conventional wedding.
posted by echolalia67 at 4:27 PM on May 24, 2005

quonsar - Awwwww.... coochie coo!
posted by Smedleyman at 4:31 PM on May 24, 2005

Damn, I had no idea MetaFilter was populated by bitter spinsters and permanent bachelors who look upon breeders with deep, deep contempt.

Thought the post was for bashing the idea behind the event;
wedding shower - costly dinner highlighting a wannabe princess = $profit$(in the form of gifts).

Have you ever been to a wedding reception that also had a treasure (money) box for more additional gift giving?
I prefer the money dance, yet some look down on it as hick-ish.
posted by thomcatspike at 4:33 PM on May 24, 2005

chowder, see, I only do that when I have people in the house, much harder for them to fast forward through the gory parts.

palinode, I wasn't there but I've worked hundreds of weddings and have seen it once or twice. It makes it very easy to figure out who is who.

Worst working wedding story? The bride, who assumed that because it was her birthday that her shellfish allergy would magically vanish. It didn't and her white dress wasn't very white anymore.
posted by fenriq at 4:35 PM on May 24, 2005

That cracked me up, echolalia67. Congrats.
posted by letitrain at 4:47 PM on May 24, 2005

Fenriq, I'm sure I'll subject untold numbers of folks to the same should I ever come to breed.

This "I'm important damn it!" feeling can affect anyone closely involved with the wedding. My dear sweet mother about went off on the hotel staff for a mix-up and told me "I tried to not play the I'm-the-groom's-mother card, but I couldn't help it that one time". I don't think I turned into groomzilla at any point, from what I could tell.
posted by chowder at 4:59 PM on May 24, 2005

Ah, the joys and despair of being in a different culture.

The wedding was 30 minutes, the reception 2 hours, the afterparty 2 hours. A busy day, but nothing like the titanic daylong festas I'm reading about here.

The in-laws were consulted...um...never.

Oh, wait, we asked for my wife's mom for a list of family coming from out of town, and their home addresses to send invitations to. So I guess we consulted them once.

No bridesmaids, because there is no bridesmaid culture here. No best men, because there is no best man culture here.

Sure, it had its pain-in-the-assed times, but nothing like what I gather goes on at y'all's weddings.

fenriq : "Worst working wedding story? The bride, who assumed that because it was her birthday that her shellfish allergy would magically vanish. It didn't and her white dress wasn't very white anymore."

I believe you accidentally substituted the word "worst" for the word "best", which is what you clearly meant.
posted by Bugbread at 5:02 PM on May 24, 2005

What KirkJobSluder said. Anyone babbling incessantly about something you can't relate to is tiresome. When they do it for weeks/months/years, well...
posted by cali at 5:05 PM on May 24, 2005

My wedding was great. We had a beautiful old church with a deep blue and gold mural depicting the life of Mary. My wife was absolutely stunning! And we both gave the funniest little sigh of relief when the vows were complete.

Then a great reception followed (well the wife thought I spent too much time talking to family and not dancing with her, but that's a small tiff). The food was fantastic, people complimented us on avoiding the horrible wedding chicken for months afterwards. The alcohol (we ordered it all ourselves) was good and plentiful. So much so that my bachelor cousins and brother were too hammered to go out clubbing on South Beach afterwards. (For those of you not from South Florida, for a wedding reception to be good enough to keep you from hitting the beach afterwards is quite a coupe.) The flowers, (provided as a wedding gift by an ex-girlfriend of mine who walked in the wedding) were simply gorgeous!

And the honeymoon in Paris (which was unfortunately delayed because of school) was everything I wanted it to be.

And yes, we spent a lot of money (about less then 10k but I'm a grad student). but you know what? I'd spend it all again, and more. When you find the person that is right for you, there is no such thing as too big a gesture.

Oh! The best part? My wedding present from my wife was a PS2! I mean how lucky am I? (Very lucky!. She is way out of my league in just about every way.)
posted by oddman at 5:12 PM on May 24, 2005

Hear, hear.
posted by blacklite at 5:14 PM on May 24, 2005

bugbread-just curious, what culture are you from? Sorry if that's personal.
posted by slimslowslider at 5:17 PM on May 24, 2005

"... if you're like me you don't have a clue as to how to go about planning a wedding."

Miss Manners worked pretty well for us. Keeps things in perspective; plus it's funny. I don't remember if she uses the word "bridezilla" or not, but she gives several memorable examples of similar behavior.

bugbread appears to be in Japan.
posted by russilwvong at 5:20 PM on May 24, 2005

I have two close friends who have been planning their weddings for years, despite the fact that they weren't even engaged until last winter. Anyway, one of them is getting married next month and I can't wait to finally stop talking about who has and hasn't RSVP-ed and which blue chuppah matches her bridesmaids' dresses better and blah blah blah.

Myself, I got married in a judge's office with only my husband two friends to sign the paperwork present. No family involved - both my and my husband's family were out of the country at the time (convenient, although not planned that way). We went home, we had cake, we went out to dinner together, we drank champagne. It was one of the best days of my life.

Watching my friends plan their weddings, I do miss the opportunity to wear a big pretty dress and have a party, but I don't miss the crap that comes with it. I don't have the stomach for making sure my dress matches my flowers matches my invitations matches my husband... no thanks. I can certainly see how the pressure that a lot people put on their weddings would make them go insane.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:22 PM on May 24, 2005

Yep. My culture is good 'ole American, but the culture I'm living in is Japan.
posted by Bugbread at 5:30 PM on May 24, 2005

Truth be told, grapefruitmoon, your wedding sounds like the most romantic of the bunch. Kudos.
posted by vernondalhart at 5:50 PM on May 24, 2005

My wedding kicked ass- we did most of it ourselves, except for the 20-peice swing orchestra, which still gets talked about at family gatherings.

We had an 8 piece jazz ensemble at our wedding held in jackson square in new orleans. Even I got tired of hearing about it. You are not special (and it still didn't work out...oh joy). Everyone thinks they had the greatest wedding ever. You didn't. Move on.

We need a shirt that says, "please shut up about your fucking baby."

Amen to that. Of course, you can't say that without being accused of being bitter. Look folks, I love children, I worked at a peds clinic, children are our future blah blah blah, I know. But people acting like the fact they had a child is the greatest thing they ever did is comical. You fucked (and broke the condom!). Congrats (britney spears and her beavis are having a child...enough said).

21 years later, if your child is productive and hasn't turned into ted bundy, show some pride.

And if I ever do have a kid (the greatest thing I could ever do!) I'll love him/her/it forever, but godpleasekillme if I become one of those fathers who takes a billion pictures and home movies of their child doing every mundane activity imaginable.

Did I tell you how much I LOVE children?
posted by justgary at 5:51 PM on May 24, 2005

If you want to really understand what big weddings are about, you have to find some ancient folks from the one of old countries (where most m'kericans come from) and listen to their stories. I am fortunate enough to have done this. Marriage was for ever and the wedding was a huge, huge deal. Without such a wedding, the young couple would likely not make it in life. Now, for the most part, weddings are commercial parodies of the weddings of old--all the show and none of the substance.
posted by a_day_late at 6:28 PM on May 24, 2005

Wanna know about MY wedding? Huh? Do ya? Fuckin' Google eloped. We're #2! (after this post, maybe #1) Me and eviltiff and my daughter in an office building in Arlington, VA. It was beautiful. We told no one before-hand, not even my daughter. Then we had a big party a few weeks later. Wouldn't change a thing!
posted by MrMoonPie at 6:29 PM on May 24, 2005

I got married on the 4th of July. We had barbecue and small children running around with sparklers. No band. No fuss.

A dozen years later, people still tell me it was the best wedding they've ever been to. It was more like a double family reunion where somebody just happened to get married.
posted by esperluette at 6:45 PM on May 24, 2005

This mystifies me. The link is about people not wanting to hear about other people's fucking weddings... and so what do mefites do?

Pepper the thread with stories of their fucking weddings.
posted by beth at 6:49 PM on May 24, 2005

OK peeps...if you're gonna be all anti-weddin' and shit, then at least help me come up with some danceable anti-wedding songs
posted by ch3ch2oh at 6:57 PM on May 24, 2005

Bitter and contemptuous is par for the MeFi course. And we like it this way.
posted by theora55 at 6:59 PM on May 24, 2005

We got married on December 13, a Friday.
posted by mischief at 7:01 PM on May 24, 2005

All I know is, I'm getting married this year. Spent the last month visiting reception halls/parks/restaurants/any place that'll take us for a reasonable amount of cash. And dammit do I ever want this t-shirt.

I bet my fiancee wouldn't mind.
posted by UncleDave at 7:02 PM on May 24, 2005

What IS the deal with Jordan almonds? they only make sense if either the bride or the groom is a dentist -- the damn things are harder than most rocks.

Also if I am ever in any way associated with the term "money dance" there better be a strip club involved.
posted by clevershark at 7:13 PM on May 24, 2005

Our wedding is a week from Saturday. I'd chuckle if I wasn't worried that she'd hear me. Oh god. Did I say that out loud? No, honey, I'm taking this just as seri--

NO CARRIER
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:18 PM on May 24, 2005

Another Friday the 13th wedding here. Held on the 13th floor of City Hall, too.
posted by Melinika at 7:27 PM on May 24, 2005

Mah good buddy, the Rev. Perry 10X Mills, does both weddings and funerals in his capacity as a minister in the Universal Life Church. Quoth the Rev.: "The weddings last about as well as most, but by God, when I do a funeral, it sticks!"
posted by warbaby at 7:36 PM on May 24, 2005

You are not special (and it still didn't work out...oh joy). Everyone thinks they had the greatest wedding ever. You didn't. Move on.

Personal attack. Nice. Not sure what you're trying to imply - my wife and I are still married.

And, dude, you may not be bitter, but you have serious reading comprehension issues. You don't have to tell me my wedding wasn't the greatest ever, because I never suggested it was.

It did, however, kick ass.
posted by eustacescrubb at 7:38 PM on May 24, 2005

Mr.MoonPie - is that Joseph Newlin's marrying carpet I see in the eloped pics? I know it well....
posted by beezy at 7:41 PM on May 24, 2005

We had our actual ceremony in the bar where we had our first date (it was also where we got engaged). My husband, me, our two witnesses, and two additional family members and a random minister we picked out of the Yellow Pages all sat in a large, curved booth at one end of the pub. Did our vows, and the owner sent over a bottle of champagne for us. Then we had a small reception at a local restaurant afterward. We weren't even going to do that much, but so many friends got upset when they heard our non-party plans, we decided to throw a small shindig.

The only time I was a bridesmaid was the last time. My friend spent 18 months choosing bridesmaid dresses for us. We visited every bridal salon within a 100 mile radius, tried on endless hideous dresses while my friend photographed each one, then carefully catalogued them. Then we'd have weekly meetings at her apartment poring over the photos, pro-ing and con-ing the frocks. Oy!! Never again!!!
posted by Oriole Adams at 7:46 PM on May 24, 2005

Oriole, I wonder how many people get married in the bars in which they had their first date?

I asked my wife to marry me in the bar where we had our first date, too. Though you beat us on commitment, we got married elsewhere. (Besides it was tiny, no way the family and friends would fit.)
posted by oddman at 8:18 PM on May 24, 2005

Pshaw. My wife and I decided to really rebel against stupid societal conventions and have lived in wicked sin! for the past nineteen years. Or maybe it's twenty now. Something like that. And we are not making babies.

Beat that.
posted by five fresh fish at 8:25 PM on May 24, 2005

My wife and I lived together for 5 years, IN SIN, and then finally got married.
Outside in the mountians, on what ended up being a snowy and sleet filled day, Sept. 23, and since we couldn't get a bagpiper for it, we just passed out kazoos to every one there.
It was glorious! I remember it like it was yesterday, even tho it was 7 years ago...

Still no babies yet, at least till we can afford health insurance.
posted by Balisong at 8:58 PM on May 24, 2005

Hehehe. My hubby and I bought a house together and lived IN SIN for a number of years as well before tying the knot on Halloween 2+ years ago. The ceremony was at the court house, with only two witnesses, plus his mom and sister. My family wasn't allowed. :) We had planned on actually doing the same as FFF, but I needed health insurance after a recent job loss (thanks, internet bubble, for ruining my stand against stupid social traditions).

And to this day, I still would have prefered to fax in something to get married rather than an actual service. But oh well.

No babies here either. No plans to. In fact, working actively against.

(As an aside for no particular reason, when we went to the Court House the first time to apply for the marriage license, they gave us a newly wed care kit. It contained a tuperware container, a trial size deoderent, and a single diaper. I'm still not sure what to make of it.)
posted by [insert clever name here] at 9:36 PM on May 24, 2005

It is stressful, even if you aren't trying to have a huge wedding.

There are so many expectations, and so many negotiations. I really wanted a potluck, maybe in a park, with some balloons, with all my friends and family - it seemed simple and cheap and fun. But sometimes that just isn't possible. Neither family was happy with the idea of a potluck, the weather isn't reliable enough to be outside (part of the family is English, and wouldn't even think of being outside, even in Canada), and the only good indoor venue we had for a large but non-religious wedding had an exclusive catering contract anyways. If you want to feed people, that's $8000 there, gone. Fortunately for us two grad students our parents had already planned to pay (or else we were getting married at his college in the UK - apparently you just give the chaplain five pounds. Thank goodness for medieval price fixing). But then once you have one level of formality, you really do have to go through and do the rest right. You can't have a big fancy dinner, and no drinks or nothing to do after.

But it's still been damn stressful. Not just for the money, but also for the way that something which seemed so simple (get an officiant, get a place, get married, have tons of food and drink and happy!) gets so very very complicated. It probably doesn't help that we're doing this with both of us in different countries from our families and I'm trying to write my thesis prospectus and read for orals. Some women do get controlling, but I imagine many get bitchy because there is just so much pressure. And women still get more of it than men - my fiance is so much more into the wedding than I am, but I was still made the default contact for the venue.

Actually, this reminds me, I have to print and mail invitations. I know, I've already emailed everyone, and you'd think they could just write it down or something, or I could email them a reminder later, but apparently it's not a real invitation unless it's on a dead tree.

Of course, I still need to email people for their addresses. That's what comes of not having every snailmailed them in my life. Heck, the closest I had to a street address was "you know, that one two blocks in from the subway, the red one with the green fence." I wish the post office worked that way, that would be so much more convenient.
posted by jb at 10:36 PM on May 24, 2005

My wife and I decided to really rebel against stupid societal conventions and have lived in wicked sin! for the past nineteen years.

And yet you still call her your wife. You rebel you.
posted by dame at 10:55 PM on May 24, 2005

What a load of c**p. Gimme an I-Bond and move on.
posted by buzzman at 11:12 PM on May 24, 2005

Ah well, I'll post too I guess.

Got married not three weeks ago on Cinco de Mayo after 11 years of living IN SIN. Did it for the date (05/05/05) and tax purposes. Plus the wife now has the same last name as the 5-year-old boy (who bore the rings we've been wearing for years anyway...was weird to take them off only to put them back on again *officially* minutes later).

Married by a JP in a Mexican restaurant with 40 friends and family present. Everyone paid for their own food and booze. We danced. We sang. We ate enchiladas, drank tequila and were home by midnight (it was a Thursday; some had to work the next day).

Life is entirely the same. But oddly better. Or: oddly, better - both are true.
posted by sharpener at 11:16 PM on May 24, 2005

This thread has gone horribly, horribly wrong.
posted by kyrademon at 12:56 AM on May 25, 2005

Things I've learned about by reading the confessions:

1) Tears of Joy Tissues: Who knew?
2) "Living in SIN" is now the preferred vernacular for cohabitation, beating out more jejune phrases as "living together" and "shacking up".
3) I Hate My In-Laws.com
4) IF THERE IS ONLY ONE NAME ON YOUR INVITATION, THAT MEANS ONLY ONE PERSON IS INVITED!!! DON'T SEND THE RESPONSE CARD BACK WITH " 2 PEOPLE WILL ATTEND"!!!!!!!! GOD!!! MAYBE IF YOU WERE SOMEONE I ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT AND NOT SOME OLD BAG MY MOM WAS FRIENDS WTH IN HIGH SCHOOL, I WOULD LET IT GO.... BUT I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF YOU WANT TO BRING SOMEONE... THEY AREN'T INVITED!!!!!!!!!!!*
5) Save-The-Date Magnets
6) More than a passing number of brides want to have sex with the Best Man.
7) Flower Girl and Ring-Bearer != Junior Bride-and-Groom != Miniature Bride-and-Groom.

*well, no, I actually knew that one already.
posted by obloquy at 1:24 AM on May 25, 2005

See, I was totally about to post saying that, as much as I've nothing against the whole wedding thing, I honestly don't understand why people spend so much time and money on The Big Day. Then I started thinking about how I'd do a wedding, and how I'd construct a wedding dress in rubber and corsetry, and bridal dreads with some kind of integral veil, and drag/slave bridesmaids, and now I really, really want to plan a wedding. Damn, this stuff's addictive.

Also, this is why should my girlfriend and I ever tie the knot, I'll absolutely not be allowed to plan anything.
posted by terpsichoria at 2:23 AM on May 25, 2005

As a musician I attend approx. 15 weddings per year (almost every goddamn saturday during summer). I consider myself to be quite an expert on weddings.

Most of the time I can sense the mood of the party by the way the couple contacts our band. Worst case scenario:

The control freaks.
- Everything has to be preplanned to be "good"
- They've got to have a word on literally everything, one couple insisted on even selecting all the songs, and the playing order! So much for going with the mood or our "professionalism"...
- really everything has got to be "perfect", whatever that means.

Most of times these weddings suck. All the guests are uptight and nobody has fun. Usually the bride is really pissed off in the end, because everything just didn't work out the she wanted.

The best weddings I have attended have been small and personal. One was just a huge beach party with a shoe-string budjet. The pair exchanged rings on a huge rock. The other one was a lesbian wedding on the day they were allowed to wed here in Finland. Because there was no precendent they could do anything they wanted and it was a great party for all.

People put too much emphasis on the word "wedding". It is just a party that you organize for all your friends and relatives - traditions are nice, but not like a law you cannot break.
posted by hoskala at 3:02 AM on May 25, 2005

Nope, beezy, not Joseph Newlin. It was a woman whose name I don't recall.
posted by MrMoonPie at 6:11 AM on May 25, 2005

I enjoyed this link. There's something trainwreck-ish about weddings that just fascinates me.
posted by orange swan at 6:53 AM on May 25, 2005

You hit the proverbial nail on the head, palinode.

For the runup to my wedding, we spent most of our time heading off my mother-in-law's cockamamie ideas of how weddings ought to go - overblown, Jesus-soaked, full of stinky flowers with a lame dance afterwards - into a manageable experience.

There's a solution to this. It's called Vegas. Vegas, with a lot of strippers and booze and renting out the Vegas Pimp House just so you can tell your mother-in-law you spent your wedding night at the Vegas Pimp House. Yeah.

At least that's what I'm planning to do.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 7:08 AM on May 25, 2005

Chiming in with a wedding story - I bought my dress the night before, my bouquet was from a grocery store. We had about 12 people show up, the ceremony was performed by a woman we met through a Yahoo! group for local pagans, my uncle showed up in jeans and a Hawaiian shirt and a coffee from Dunkin donuts, my mother was a bit worried we'd get busted for not having a permit to have the wedding in in the spot that we wanted it, and a friend got lost in the park and ended up with an escort to the ceremony by a cop who had spotted what was happening. When the ceremony was over my husband introduced himself to the family, since most of them had never met him before, and we all went out for dinner and then a night of drinking in my mother's backyard.
posted by chickygrrl at 7:27 AM on May 25, 2005

Has it gone wrong Kyrademon? Has it? Or, has it gone MeFi?
posted by oddman at 7:33 AM on May 25, 2005

To answer the original question (what turns them into bridezillas) I'm gonna have to go with a) society as a whole with a generous helping of b) movies and magazines that sell, sell, sell the idea of "it's your day!"

For some reason brides to be become convinced that they're the first person in the history of the fucking world to get married and that it should all revolve around them because they get to play princess for a day.

We own a bakery and turn down numerous wedding cake requests. Why? Because of the micromanaging, can't-say-no-to-their-family-to-save-their-lives, can't-make-a-decision shitheads that get married every fucking spring/summer. It always starts out great. "We want something small for 50 people." Ten months and thirty eight phone calls later it's being held in a football stadium and oh by the way can we have mini cakes for every table setting in addition to the large cake itself? Fuck 'em. If these prospective brides and grooms put as much thought into whether or not they're marrying the right person as they do into the goddamn invitations with the hand-stamped fig leaf on the envelope they'd all be better off.

That said, I've also met some incredibly cool brides who say "I want enough cake for fifty people. Anything but chocolate is great. Do whatever you want." We always work 20 times harder on those orders and those weddings are always a blast.
posted by Atom12 at 8:07 AM on May 25, 2005

And yet you still call her your wife. You rebel you.

On the whole, it just avoids a whole lot of judgement and confusion if I gently lie to anyone who asks. There is no good alternative to "wife." Calling her my "life partner" or "horny lover" or suchlike just ends up resulting in stupid and irrelevent questions.

I usually avoid such by using the term "wife." Not this time, I suppose.
posted by five fresh fish at 8:47 AM on May 25, 2005

My first wedding day was seriously the best ever. We pulled in to the harbor escorted by a regatta of pirate ships. Then we rode unicorns to the chapel. Then again, when I say chapel, I mean Cathedral. The priest parachuted down from a scratch built Zeppelin. Then, just before we exchanged vows, everyone boarded helicopters and we said our I do's hovering over Niagra Falls. For the reception, each guest was given a 10 year old boy dressed as cupid to tend to their every need, and instead of wine we drank ambrosia. Then we were wisked away in a pumpkin shaped chariot to an exclusive underwater resort for the honeymoon.

The next time I got married at the courthouse.
posted by drezdn at 9:24 AM on May 25, 2005

On the whole, it just avoids a whole lot of judgement and confusion if I gently lie to anyone who asks.

So sometimes you want the credit for bucking social convention in order to do what you prefer, but you don't want any of the pain in the ass stuff that goes along with it. Good to know.

and that it should all revolve around them because they get to play princess for a day.

I highly recommend being a princess for your birthday, your anniversary, or any random day you prefer. Works for me and heads off that absurd wedding impulse. Try it.
posted by dame at 10:12 AM on May 25, 2005

When people won't stop talking about their wedding, just remember not to stop talking about something you are fascinated by that they don't give a diddlyshit about. Like your rare tropical foot fungus. Or grapes. Or the ontological proof for the existence of God. Or Celebrity Skeet Shooting.

All things are one.
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:17 AM on May 25, 2005

It's easy to talk about having a simple wedding, but if you do want your family and friends there (because is a special day that needs to be witnessed), and because they would be upset not to be there (I was really mad at my dad for at first not inviting me to his small second wedding - my brother was an official witness, but I only got to go because I was home when he called). Once you decide you would like to have your family and friends, you find you have bamf! 100 people.
posted by jb at 10:28 AM on May 25, 2005

(because is a special day that needs to be witnessed)

I think that may be the crux. People who have simple marriages don't seem to care about the need to be witnessed part.
posted by dame at 11:11 AM on May 25, 2005

five fresh fish,

Depending on what state you live in, you might already have a common-law marriage. Every state's requirements are different, and I think nowadays you have to actually apply for a common-law license in some.
posted by eustacescrubb at 11:52 AM on May 25, 2005

I think that may be the crux. People who have simple marriages don't seem to care about the need to be witnessed part.

That may be true - but for the rest of us, it's either important, or our families would kill us if we excluded them.

But that said, our society is not set up to let people do simple larger weddings. Or, in fact, simple medium (aka bigger than 10 people) weddings. In my case, neither family owns a large home or property where the wedding could be held to hold even 50 people. We are not religious, and thus have no access to church halls or anything like that. Living in a large city, in a country without kind weather, I couldn't see any option other than a professional hall, almost all of which have exclusive catering contracts. I actually really dislike catered food, but it was that or no food. I wish there had been some community hall I could book, something just with an attached kitchen. But they don't exist in my homecity.

Also, it is not always the bride or even the couple that determine the size of a wedding. Families do matter, and they have definite opinions on this score.
posted by jb at 12:34 PM on May 25, 2005

Don't get the point of the post. The website posted is making FUN of women who get crazy over their weddings.

Really cool brides are at indiebride.com.
posted by agregoli at 12:50 PM on May 25, 2005

I had a large, simple wedding when I got married. It really isn't that insanely difficult to do if you want to.
posted by kyrademon at 1:00 PM on May 25, 2005

So sometimes you want the credit for bucking social convention in order to do what you prefer, but you don't want any of the pain in the ass stuff that goes along with it. Good to know.

And sometimes I write silly things like "LIVED IN WICKED SIN!" because it amuses me, and sometimes some humourless pain in the ass bitches about it. Such is life on the internet.

Eusatace: having to sign government papers to be common-law would be absolutely pointless. And, besides, I'm in Canada, where the government is cool with it.
posted by five fresh fish at 1:13 PM on May 25, 2005

Oh no, some uptight asshole thinks I've got no sense of humor. I have to go cry now.
posted by dame at 2:45 PM on May 25, 2005

"But that said, our society is not set up to let people do simple larger weddings. Or, in fact, simple medium (aka bigger than 10 people) weddings. In my case, neither family owns a large home or property where the wedding could be held to hold even 50 people. We are not religious, and thus have no access to church halls or anything like that. Living in a large city, in a country without kind weather, I couldn't see any option other than a professional hall, almost all of which have exclusive catering contracts."

We had our wedding at a local art gallery (about 80 people), with a lunchtime reception afterward at a nearby restaurant (a short walk). Worked pretty well, not too expensive or high-stress. I've been to a large wedding reception at a community hall, too; it's too bad you don't have them in your city.

I agree that having your family and friends there is important, much more important than perfect wedding cakes and music. (If you're going to have a conventional wedding, of course -- it's fun hearing about people's unconventional weddings too.)

"This thread has gone horribly, horribly wrong."

Oops ....
posted by russilwvong at 3:08 PM on May 25, 2005

Following Dame's advice I decided to be Princess for a day. they sent me home from work. Perhaps it was the tiara.

Anyhow - I've never been married, but I have been best man 4 times in the last decade. The weddings ranging from 20 people in the botanical gardens to 280 people black tie/save the Krug till last as it's cheapest blowouts. So if anyone out there needs an experienced best man, I can do it for plane fare and a seat at the bar (after the speeches, of course). 50% discount on the plane fare if the bridesmaid is hot and desparate.
posted by Sparx at 3:49 PM on May 25, 2005

Oh no, some uptight asshole thinks I've got no sense of humor. I have to go cry now.

Oh noes! I've made a tiresome bitch cry!

Tell ya what: seeing as my silly-assed comment wasn't directed at you to begin with, why don't you take your snarks and snottiness, and fuck right off.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:04 PM on May 25, 2005

There are some groups of people who really need to be made fun of because they manage to take all the fun out of things.

Bridezillas fall into this class, even if they have been tragically transformed into that by MOBzillas.

Other examples are sports parents who use their kids for proxy competition, stage parents, sore winners, hardcore fanboys, and obsessive collectors.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 7:09 PM on May 25, 2005

Yeah, Dame, I'm the humourless pain in the ass bitch!
Granted, I was making direct (and apparently not funny) observations about the posted links, and made no mention of Happy Fun Wedding Thread nor anyone/anything in it. But Still! Don't cry! Oh, wait, now you're a bitch too...sob...
posted by obloquy at 7:22 PM on May 25, 2005

Er... my silly-ass comment certainly wasn't directed at you, obloquy. It wasn't directed at anyone at all.

Also, I kinda liked your observations. Particularly #4.

Does this mean we're married now?
posted by five fresh fish at 8:48 PM on May 25, 2005

The ways of you Matrimonians remain a mystery to me, fff. When I was "living in Sin" in the 80s, I was nearly evicted for it. I've been both an urban and rural Underground Railroad for Catholics, Mormons, and Queers In Love ever since then, so when the "sin" form seems to become the vernacular it interests me.

And I must admit that your nationality makes you a Hot Nuptial Prospect. Still, though, I'd prefer to be expert at throwing huge, expensive (or not!) parties for no reason than to center the Meaning of My Existence around just one boring one, which ends up sucking, because I have no idea how to host important people at a special event, or keep my friends and family entertained and fed for a few hours in exchange for their company. As would you, I'd imagine. Which is why this link is, inevitably, interesting to some of us.

O where is a Tears Of Joy Hanky when you need one?
posted by obloquy at 10:29 PM on May 25, 2005

I want a divorce now. Isn't that where all the fun is, anyway? Deciding who gets to keep what, planning out new lives, hooking up with any desperate gal down at the pub, developing a thorough bitterness against all of life.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:59 AM on May 26, 2005

- apparently you just give the chaplain five pounds.
Is that a tip? The cheapest are the couples who don't realize a tip is suffice for the pastor and don't.

we spent most of our time heading off my mother-in-law's cockamamie ideas
Why "most" of the time planning it?
Since the groom's mother in the USA has one place at a wedding, "her seat", otherwise when asked.
posted by thomcatspike at 4:30 PM on May 26, 2005

thomcatspike - No, it's a joke the chaplain at my fiance's college liked to make. I don't know how old it is (could be centuries, could be more like 19th century), but if any of the post grad students get married, they have to pay him five pounds. He goes around encouraging people to get married by telling them it's just five pounds. We were going to ask him if he were serious, if we were stuck - after all, he has a living from the college, he doesn't marry people for the money.

What do you mean suffice for the pastor? Our officiant just has a rate - a couple hundred, actually. Why would we tip someone we just paid?

Also, the groom's mother should have just as much say as the bride's mother, she is equally family.
posted by jb at 11:13 PM on May 26, 2005

(the five pounds is a fine)
posted by jb at 11:20 PM on May 26, 2005