A candlelit dinner for one...
May 26, 2005 7:52 AM   Subscribe

A 21st C. romance? Or a dirty, greasy, Flash-based hot beef injection?
posted by AlexReynolds (23 comments total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: jesus christ that was stupid. Also, I'm tired of contagious media too.



 
Are we really going to have to see EVERY SINGLE contagious media contest entry?

Really?
posted by dersins at 7:59 AM on May 26, 2005


Particularly when they're as trite and predictable as that one was...
posted by PeterMcDermott at 8:13 AM on May 26, 2005


boo.

but the crying while eating thing made me laugh.
posted by mrs.pants at 8:22 AM on May 26, 2005


Oh, come on. It wasn't that bad.
posted by AlexReynolds at 8:23 AM on May 26, 2005


Yes, it was.
posted by Tubes at 8:28 AM on May 26, 2005


Yeah, it really was.
posted by papercake at 8:37 AM on May 26, 2005


Bad.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 8:39 AM on May 26, 2005


I'm sorry, but the burger inside a circle of candles was just too much for me. My apologies for wasting your time.
posted by AlexReynolds at 8:39 AM on May 26, 2005


Boo.

(Won't someone just post all of 'em in one fucking chunk so that we never have to see them again?)
posted by klangklangston at 8:40 AM on May 26, 2005


Boo hiss.
posted by jsavimbi at 8:45 AM on May 26, 2005


Yes, it really, really, really was.
posted by WolfDaddy at 8:45 AM on May 26, 2005


Maybe, like the burger itself, it is so, so bad, that it is good? Camp value?
posted by AlexReynolds at 8:48 AM on May 26, 2005


alex, are you wearing your forget-me-not panties™?
posted by quonsar at 8:49 AM on May 26, 2005


Note to self: Add *.contagiousmedia.org as blocked domain to host file.

That was terrible. Like rancid milk on your last bowl of cereal, with 8 days until payday. I knew I shouldn't have clicked on that link. It's not even close to an entertaining sort of terrible. Seriously, that sucked worse than a stileproject video, or a fark thread.

Allow me to save all of you the time and bandwidth and prevent you from making the same terrible mistake I did by summarizing and spoiling the dead wildebeast-stuffing offal out of it.

Intro: Lame-ass McDonald's parody logo.

(Music background: Bad, Ween-esque whiteboy R&B hip-hop on a Scotchguard-huffing bender, with none of the talent or musicality of Ween.)

Still shot montage: Greasy, unkept, unshaven blogger in hip eyeglasses and beanie "making out" dispassionately and unskillfully with cheeseburger. Comedic value on a scale of 1 to 10: -10. It's so unfunny you'll be unable to laugh at anything for a month, including openly masturbating drunken monkeys. Any special sexual skills you may have had will be lost forever if you continue viewing from this point.

(Wet-noodle music continues, still shot montage continues with interspersed "parody" McD's slogans about special sauces and lovin' it. And by "parody" I mean occulted curse phrases designed to suck all known humor out of a solar-system sized volume in microseconds.)

More still montages of same beanie-wearing blogger type getting his totally ineffectual mack on with a now thoroughly abused cheeseburger. Note that there is obviously more than one cheeseburger, despite only one burger being in the frame at a time. Where did the first one go? Did it leave the blogger in a fit of disgust and loathing? Or did the blogger give up trying to furtively sex up the burger, eating said burger in a completely passionless, emotionless blogger-on-burger-sex-crime? If you continue viewing at this point, your ancestors will become sterile, and flowers will forever wilt instantly in your presence.

It was at this point I hit ALT-F4 so hard and so many times that my computer reverted to Windows 2.0 and began making sick noises and softly smoking like a hot piece of discarded slag. I really couldn't take any more. I knew that if I viewed any more of this intestinal bile-spooge I'd instinctively chew my own face off, vomit it up, and then eat it again, taking particular care to suck out my own eyeballs and thoroughly chew them.

I'm also sure that if I viewed any more of this talentless shortbus-riding filmstrip dribbled from the distended ass of a dead goat, I'd invent a new blog-word like "blurger" or "cheeseblurger", in which I can only hope that somewhere there's a blogger being ground up, stuffed full of binders, hormones, extenders and special sauces and served up to hogshappy consumers on a cheap whitebread bun with a greasy slice of plasticky cheese.

/me flicks AlexReynolds in the third nipple, hard.
posted by loquacious at 8:51 AM on May 26, 2005


Wow, I can't believe that so many people on Metafilter don't share my warped sense of humor. What's up? /sarcasm
posted by AlexReynolds at 8:53 AM on May 26, 2005


Now I want a burger.
posted by Cyrano at 8:54 AM on May 26, 2005


Wow... that was as bad as everyone said.
(And definitely not in a so bad it's good way.)

Sorry alex, but,
Boo.
posted by oddman at 8:56 AM on May 26, 2005


Ok.

A.) Damn, that was funny Loquacious. Totally redeemed the post for me.

B.) Alex, do you really have a third nipple?
posted by oddman at 8:59 AM on May 26, 2005


Wow, I can't believe that so many people on Metafilter don't share my warped sense of humor. What's up? /sarcasm

My sense of humor is so warped not even light can escape.

Homeslice, that shit just stunk. I really hope for your sake and the sake of your future grandchildren that wasn't a self link.

The unholy abomination known as "the dancing Jesus page" had better pratfalls and comedic timing. I really wish Mirsky's Worst of the Web lasted long enough to flambe' Flash stuff. We could use him now. (Quick! To the WTF?! Phone!)

Stay cool, though. We're not dissing you. We're just dissing your humor-glands. Remember, no food or drink for 6 hours before the operation.
posted by loquacious at 9:04 AM on May 26, 2005


B.) Alex, do you really have a third nipple?

It's superfluous. I don't often talk about it. Besides, I'm a busy man, I've got chickens to romance.
posted by AlexReynolds at 9:06 AM on May 26, 2005


I don't eat at McDonalds anymore anyway, but even if I did, that link would put me off their food even more than Supersize Me the movie did. Yuck.

I kept waiting for the punchline. I was thinking any second it'd get funny, and it just never did. It was just sick and depraved. I guess whoever made it thought the concept was enough to get laughs, but it desperately needed a punchline. Like the guy gets the hamburger knocked up and it's pregnant with a happy meal so he has to marry it, then the burger divorces him, slaps him with a paternity suit and the guy has to pay alimony the rest of his life. Or the hamburger would turn out to have some disease in its meat and the guy tests positive for mad cow. Or a Big Mac shows up, bullies the guy for rapin' his burger ho, and then the french fries attack and it turns into a war epic. Something. It lacked being funny, which is the worst crime any Flash-based crap can commit. I'll forgive senseless Flash time-wasters if they're funny.
posted by ZachsMind at 9:16 AM on May 26, 2005


Normally, I check the thread before clicking the links to stuff like this.

Sadly, today I did not.
posted by Mcable at 9:17 AM on May 26, 2005


Ha! Openly masturbating drunken monkeys!
Ha, ha, ha! Oh, it is to laugh!
Ha . . .

Oh, man. That was bad.
posted by yhbc at 9:24 AM on May 26, 2005


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