Terrify kids to come to the Lord

May 30, 2005 2:59 AM

Ultra scary puppets sing hymns of loveVia Boing Boing, the scariest tv show that I have ever seen in my life. The poor puppetry, the references to God, the organ sound it all comes together to burn into your brain. Children subjected to this will remember it forever. I think I may even have cold sweats about it in the night. Its long but worth it. (Quicktime movie)
posted by ClanvidHorse (56 comments total)

I'm stunned.Not even irony helps.
posted by sugaree at 3:36 AM on May 30, 2005

There is no god.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 3:40 AM on May 30, 2005

Wow.

The best is when they abruptly cut to the human's reaction.

Also: when reality disintegrates after the second song.
posted by Sticherbeast at 4:14 AM on May 30, 2005

I like how even the host sitting on the right had the "WTF?!?" look going...
posted by PenDevil at 4:16 AM on May 30, 2005

And holy shit if the one puppet wasn't called "Chip The Black Boy"!!
posted by PenDevil at 4:23 AM on May 30, 2005

The file is broken at the end, causing "Chip the Black Boy!" to buzz violently mid-sermon.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 4:24 AM on May 30, 2005

Xenophobic retards. The Greys just have a different artistic sensibility than you do, k?
posted by saysthis at 4:24 AM on May 30, 2005

there is life on many infinite planets
just like many people have their own different talents

those are some lyrics

also, does anyone know anything about that show? Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson Show... is that something that the Christian Science Church makes? Is this maybe something that they produced that time they tried to start a cable tv empire?
posted by Kattullus at 5:04 AM on May 30, 2005

"Chip the Black Boy" has been gaining a cult following through these videos released several years ago. I highly reccomend.
posted by Sellersburg/Speed at 5:39 AM on May 30, 2005

is that something that the Christian Science Church makes?

I'm pretty sure that it isn't sponsored by the Mother Church. For all the simplistic stupidity of their philosophy ("You don't need antibiotics for that infection! You need prayer!"), they don't do cheesy and they don't do cheap.

But who knows what some regional congregation might try.
posted by Mayor Curley at 5:39 AM on May 30, 2005

Google to the rescue!
posted by fleetmouse at 5:42 AM on May 30, 2005

Kattullus beat me to the quote of the day. Mr. Grey must have been on acid or something.
posted by iwearredsocks at 6:07 AM on May 30, 2005

WTF?
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 6:32 AM on May 30, 2005

its fun watching adults putting their insanity into children's young minds.

ever notice how religious folks can't wait to tell children all the irrelevant stories , from their sacred book(s).

so then billy, the zantar spider of nexia 3 took the loaves and fishes from jacob. then jacob went before the elders, and said; "i have lost both the loaves and the fishes, for the spider of nexia has taken them."

and the elders , were much confused by what he had said.

. . .it just goes on from there.
posted by nola at 7:19 AM on May 30, 2005

L.Ron Hubbard has learned all he can from the anal probe.
posted by johnj at 7:33 AM on May 30, 2005

I don't know what the rest of you are talking about. I found the program very effective. In fact, I've just accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior. Come the rapture, who's going to be laughing then? Huh?
posted by Turtles all the way down at 7:36 AM on May 30, 2005

the pain...
posted by gorgor_balabala at 7:38 AM on May 30, 2005

That's the worst puppetry I've ever seen.
posted by dobbs at 7:39 AM on May 30, 2005

Not to mention th worst editing.

He also seems to have a spot of psoriasis.
posted by dobbs at 7:42 AM on May 30, 2005

What should I do first: gouge out my eyes or stick sharp objects into my ears?

Decisions... decisions...
posted by deborah at 7:55 AM on May 30, 2005

I hope you all realise that now we've seen this, we're all going to die in seven days.
posted by terpsichoria at 8:06 AM on May 30, 2005

I kinda dug the first song.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 8:10 AM on May 30, 2005

I really would like to hear the bevets angle on this.

FROM THE BLACK PITS OF HELL I SUMMON THEE BEVETS
posted by fleetmouse at 8:33 AM on May 30, 2005

I'm with dobbs. Terrible, terrible puppetry. The puppeteer doesn't seem to understand how to move the mouth of the puppet to the lyrics. That's just fundamentally wrong. Bad puppetry makes Jesus cry.

This does raise some disturbing ideas though. What if we do encounter aliens and the first thing they say is, "Have you heard the good news?"
posted by effwerd at 8:36 AM on May 30, 2005

I really would like to hear the bevets angle on this.

I seriously doubt that bevets is a fan of the Christian Science Church, and certainly not of Mr. King's individual take on those beliefs.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 8:40 AM on May 30, 2005

Holy shit. I won't be able to get that first song out of my head the rest of the day.
posted by UseyurBrain at 8:59 AM on May 30, 2005

Well, it seems by the mention of Enki and Enlil that these guys are pushing the old Sumerian myth of the Annunaki by way of Christianity. It has to do with some tenth planet (can't remember the name) that passes by Earth every couple of thousand years. This combined with Intelligent Design, it would seem some Christians are gearing up to embrace and convert our alien brethren. That should be fun to watch.
posted by effwerd at 9:03 AM on May 30, 2005

I really want to see this movie now. Really. I am going to email the director and see if I can buy a copy.
posted by climalene at 9:09 AM on May 30, 2005

It's at moments like this that that I realize how fortunate I am to be able to afford broadband: I didn't have to wait 20 minutes for this to start downloading so I could find out how painfully, abysmally bad it is. I was able to watch it for all of about eight seconds.
posted by alumshubby at 9:17 AM on May 30, 2005

Fuck the puppetry skills; what's with taking the already shitty camcorder transitions, then wiggling them back and forth until the viewer's synapses have popped inside-out? This is a fucking trip, man! This calls for a Mefi meetup with this tape, LSD, and "Dark Side of the Moon."
posted by NickDouglas at 9:21 AM on May 30, 2005

Catchy little earworm there, heh? Hold on to your seats, kids - now for some readings from the Secret Book of Enoch, yippee! Barney has nothing to fear.
posted by madamjujujive at 9:36 AM on May 30, 2005

This is really cool. It does look as though the xtians are gearing up to embrace and extend into the aliens when they land. I've often wondered how they would prepare. If you accept most of what the xtians say then the logical consequence would be all their heads imploding when we meet ET. Perhaps wiser minds have realized it is inevitable and they'd better have a plan and a community which can handle it. Fascinating. Thanks for the link! (on review what effwerd said)
posted by filchyboy at 9:38 AM on May 30, 2005

alumshubby : "I was able to watch it for all of about eight seconds."

Then you missed some quality stuff, after the singing ends. The long, awkward silences. The part where the human starts reading the wrong thing, and Chip the puppet has to keep correcting him about what part of the lesson they're on (and, no, not in a planned, intentional way).
posted by Bugbread at 9:39 AM on May 30, 2005

I'm torn between wanting to poke out my eyes and wanting to show it to all my friends.
posted by Jupiter Jones at 9:44 AM on May 30, 2005

I really want to see this movie now. Really. I am going to email the director and see if I can buy a copy.
climalene: I went to college with the guy who directed that movie. He's a very strange and very funny guy - his thesis film is the stuff of legend at my school. It involves The Partridge Family and a decrepit Christian theme park. Great stuff.

The linked video is really pretty astonishing stuff. Someone was clearly going nuts with the "patterned wipes" area of the old Grass Valley switcher -- you know, the kind that made an appearance in Star Wars as a spaceship control panel. The best parts, for me, are the incomplete wipes which leave unintelligible portions of two images on the screen at once; and then the rapid, patterned wiping between Chip the Black Boy and the clueless host- like, a wipe every second. I think someone in the broadcast room knew that they were creating a potential cult classic.
posted by Dr. Wu at 9:50 AM on May 30, 2005

The long, awkward silences. The part where the human starts reading the wrong thing, and Chip the puppet has to keep correcting him...

and the bizarre fake psuedo-british accent of the human! And the fact that the human mixes up the two black puppets, and black puppet #2 (otto) has to correct him for calling him "chip"... Not to mention the nonsensical weirdness of the texts they're reading. man, this is just freaky-scary.
posted by mdn at 9:54 AM on May 30, 2005

Seriously. If anyone quits watching while the alien is still singing, they're missing half the fun.
posted by Bugbread at 10:14 AM on May 30, 2005

Aside from the Gray Spaceman puppet...are the Christian Science holy texts really as into aliens as this program would seem to suggest? I had no idea.
posted by ChrisTN at 10:25 AM on May 30, 2005

I seriously doubt that bevets is a fan of the Christian Science Church, and certainly not of Mr. King's individual take on those beliefs.

Yeah but Christians hate different-flavored Christians even more then they hate them towelheads and jeeeeeeews. There's nothing funnier than Pentecostals, Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses alternately hating on and trying to save each other.
posted by fleetmouse at 10:47 AM on May 30, 2005

Okay, okay, okay: I'll watch the post-singing parts of the video, too.

But first I'm gonna have to find me some acid. Lots and lots of acid.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:16 AM on May 30, 2005

That's cool, Dr. Wu! Funny resume he's got -- lots of VH1 and MTV work, and then this.
posted by climalene at 11:23 AM on May 30, 2005

From climalene's link:

"Hart says he has produced over 12,000 episodes. He also claims that Jim Henson encouraged him to start a public access show, and that he has been abducted by aliens.

David came to Hollywood to be an actor. He was once a regular on many popular television shows in the 1970s. His career in Hollywood ended because he refused to take part in the "casting couch" process.

Today, David is still hoping for another break into show business. He can regularly be seen performing outside the Hollywood Bowl, the Music Center and the La Brea Tar Pits."

Splains a lot.
posted by Carbolic at 11:45 AM on May 30, 2005

I have watched it several times and the thing that cracks me up is the green (sorry, grey) alien telling the producer to 'turn it down a little bit' and David puppeteers the instruction.
posted by ClanvidHorse at 12:02 PM on May 30, 2005

From this site:

If you need his services, David is a church musician, sign painter, artist, puppeteer and actor.

He is also looking to meet young, attractive, single women. If interested and you meet these qualifications, please call him at ... (serious calls only).
posted by climalene at 1:34 PM on May 30, 2005

So the guy in the seat sounds like a geek trying to impersonate James Mason, and he has clearly never encountered punctuation before. To make him sound more god-like they apply a ton of reverb to his voice. It doesn't work.

It's very funny, particularly the "special" effects.
posted by dodgygeezer at 1:58 PM on May 30, 2005

[this is fucked up]
posted by c13 at 4:26 PM on May 30, 2005

The director of "Public Access Hollywood" just wrote me back! Relevant details:

"I am in the process of getting some more duplicated. we are selling them for $12 (to cover duplication costs and website stuff). I will email you when I get some more copies. probably in a few weeks.
I am very glad to hear people are hearing about the doc."

I'll post back here if/when I hear from him. Email me if you want me to drop you a line then.
posted by climalene at 5:03 PM on May 30, 2005

*frown*
posted by ackeber at 5:16 PM on May 30, 2005

I found the line 'infinite people on other planets' very evocative. I preferred to think the people were each infinite themselves rather than infinite in number (although that poses the same metaphysical problem, I suppose).
posted by Slothrop at 5:32 PM on May 30, 2005

Oh no, that came out like a bluish, Pepsi-flavored sales pitch. I'm sorry about that. I just got excited.
posted by climalene at 5:51 PM on May 30, 2005

I couldn't do it. I found myself wanting to slash my wrists, and that at not even the halfway point. What an atrociously bad show.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:20 PM on May 30, 2005

ARRRRRG! I ARRRRRG! want ARRRRRG! ARRRRRG! to ARRRRRG! comment ARRRRRG! ARRRRRG! ARRRRRG! ARRRRRG! but the ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG! screaming ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG! won't ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG! stop. ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!ARRRRRG!
posted by arse_hat at 9:49 PM on May 30, 2005

i . . . i need . . . someone to hold me now.
posted by nola at 9:54 PM on May 30, 2005

holy hell. I'm speechless.....shit, I'm textless.
posted by j.p. Hung at 3:14 PM on May 31, 2005

via http://www.chiptheblackboy.com/

arrgh arrrgh arrgh! http://www.kapelovitz.com/
posted by lemonfridge at 5:31 PM on May 31, 2005

and mog, best_contact_details_EVER!
---------------------------------------------
After about seven years, we have finally updated this website.

If you sent Dan Kapelovitz an e-mail in the past five years or so, he probably didn't check it. You're much more likely to reach Mr. Kapelovitz by leaving a message on his voicemail at [phone]. We understand that he checks it every few days.

Dan Kapelovitz's home phone number is listed; so if you aren't too lazy to call information, you can reach him even more quickly by calling that number.

He is still not checking his e-mail for the time being. (He told us if you really want his e-mail address, call him and he'll give it to you, or figure out the rebus-like formula below.*)

Real Mail: Dan Kapelovitz
P.O. Box 480775
Los Angeles, CA 90048

Voice Mail: [phone].

*E-Mail: Try [my last name] plus the "at" symbol, followed by [the opposite of cold], the word "mail," a period, also known as a "dot," and finally the first three letters of "commie bastard."
---------------------------------------------

anyone wanna phone and ask for his email address?
posted by lemonfridge at 5:34 PM on May 31, 2005