Black Cycling Shorts

June 1, 2005 1:28 PM

Dear cyclists: please wear black cyling shorts. TIA.
posted by brownpau (82 comments total)

(Yeah, yeah, via Bifurcated Rivets.)
posted by brownpau at 1:32 PM on June 1, 2005

I am so not posting in this thread.
posted by I EAT TAPES at 1:33 PM on June 1, 2005

TIA? What's that?

Hey, you can tell who's circumcized!
posted by mischief at 1:35 PM on June 1, 2005

There's a Lance Armstrong joke in there somewhere.
posted by fandango_matt at 1:35 PM on June 1, 2005

TIA = Thanks in Advance.

I should never have clicked on that link. Now I have to scrub my eyeballs, dammit.
posted by newfers at 1:37 PM on June 1, 2005

Photoslopped. But amusing.
posted by Specklet at 1:39 PM on June 1, 2005

Times like this, I really don't like the fact that I am a heterosexual woman. Those things are UGLY.
posted by elisabeth r at 1:42 PM on June 1, 2005

My eyes! My eyes!
posted by Sully6 at 1:43 PM on June 1, 2005

grape smugglers!
posted by Mach5 at 1:48 PM on June 1, 2005

TIA? What's that?

The picture so traumatized brownpau that he cried out for his Spanish aunt.
posted by gurple at 1:51 PM on June 1, 2005

I feel so...grossly inadequate. You can put the emphasis on whichever word you choose.
posted by OmieWise at 1:53 PM on June 1, 2005

TIA? What's that?

Totally Inefficiently Abstruse.
posted by NewBornHippy at 1:54 PM on June 1, 2005

Cocks! Cocks! Cocks!
posted by Divine_Wino at 1:54 PM on June 1, 2005

Its not the seats that are making cyclists sterile, its the super tight biking shorts cramming their wangs against their thighs.

No biking thread is complete (and certainly no fashion based cycling thread) without the self proclaimed greatness (and just plain strangeness) that is BikerFox.
posted by fenriq at 1:58 PM on June 1, 2005

beep!
posted by dios at 1:59 PM on June 1, 2005

Good lord. They look like a set of world clocks.
posted by horsewithnoname at 2:12 PM on June 1, 2005

DONG!!!!!!!!

clock motif, you know, like ding.. .oh...heck
posted by cavalier at 2:16 PM on June 1, 2005

Vivid Video has a cycling team. How nice.
posted by Cyrano at 2:16 PM on June 1, 2005

Whoa. Hell, you can tell who is right or left handed.
posted by loquacious at 2:16 PM on June 1, 2005

horsewithnoname: hahahahaha...hHAHA Hee hee...ahh. Heh.
posted by freebird at 2:17 PM on June 1, 2005

Lessee, when it's One O'Cock in France, it's Five O'Cock in London, Eleven O'Cock in Dubai, and.....
posted by Floydd at 2:21 PM on June 1, 2005

Sorry specklet but they've got to be real photos: I'm forbidden to wear any cycling shorts anyplace anybody who might associate me with my girlfriend could see me. Another clue is the utterly embarrassed looks on these guys' faces (maybe they were raised in "modest" areas too, unlike me).

And fenriq, it's not that the seats make 'em sterile, it's that it crushes the nerve and makes them impotent and sometimes even incontinent. They might still have functional wigglies, but they'd have no way out.
posted by davy at 2:23 PM on June 1, 2005

posted by clevershark at 2:24 PM on June 1, 2005

For what it's worth, I think it's better to not wear cycling pants at all. It seems like a uniform here in the USA, and I've even heard people say "I would cycle to work - but I can't stand the lycra", yet elsewhere in the world, people cycle in normal clothes. The "cyclist" clothes are for people racing or training for racing. I have no idea why there is an obsession with wearing "cyclist" outfits in the USA just to go from A to B, but I thought I'd point out that it's not the only thing allowed :-)
Does anyone know why the outfit is so entrenched in the public imagination when it comes to cycling in the USA?
posted by -harlequin- at 2:27 PM on June 1, 2005

I know the clothing is meant to slightly reduce drag, but that edge only matters if you're racing, not commuting. People don't wear that stuff jogging, or other exercise, so there doesn't seem to be any need for it in the average cyclist's life, and the lack of it in favour of more usual attire would far better serve genuine needs, such as modesty :-)
posted by -harlequin- at 2:32 PM on June 1, 2005

harlequin - Does anyone know why the outfit is so entrenched in the public imagination when it comes to cycling in the USA?

cause you can show off your wang?
posted by freudianslipper at 2:34 PM on June 1, 2005

horsewithnoname and Floydd so win.

Bwahahahaha. *snerk*

But really, doesn't anyone else find men more or less proudly displaying what's on offer to be kind of hot? In a reverse-objectification kind of way?
posted by jokeefe at 2:35 PM on June 1, 2005

harlequin: ass pads.
posted by freebird at 2:36 PM on June 1, 2005

Actually, it's not the drag that the shorts reduce, unless it's the drag between the seat and thighs, and more importantly the drag between the leg and the road (I've crashed at a significant speed and if the cycling pants had ridden up as normal shorts would've I'd have had *way* worse road rash out of it). As it was it was my lower legs that turned into hamburger, but not my thighs and butt.
posted by Dipsomaniac at 2:38 PM on June 1, 2005

Sorry davy but they've got to be fake: real ones are bigger.
posted by mistersix at 2:38 PM on June 1, 2005

the goggles, they do nothing.
posted by pxe2000 at 2:39 PM on June 1, 2005

Schlongtacular.
posted by Faint of Butt at 2:43 PM on June 1, 2005

Dipsomaniac:

Ahh. I wear jeans, which likewise serve well in that situation :-)
posted by -harlequin- at 2:44 PM on June 1, 2005

Except for the lycra-factor which is only in the brain of those who suffer fear of being judged (wattafuck care about what U think about my pants ? Get lost moron ! ) I found the padded pants to actually -reduce- problems.

I didn't use them (because I didn't know they existed till I saw many cyclist usinng them) and I was suffering from compression of the particular nerve near or in the penis ..and the sensation was not pleasing AT ALL ...I also guess part of the problem is reduced circulation of blood, but I'd rather have a doctor comment on this.

I tried the "lycra" padded pants and hey they work great for me..so yeah watch my cock going left and right..besides it becomes very very graphic only if you're having an erection.
posted by elpapacito at 2:44 PM on June 1, 2005

I've been biking around a lot lately and it can be uncomfortable for your pants to rub up against your thighs after a while
posted by delmoi at 2:45 PM on June 1, 2005

Two good reasons to wear bike-related clothing while on a bike:

1 - Padded seat in the pants is REALLY nice (aka, the chamois)

2 - Jeans/slacks/sweatpants/etc get caught in the chain and sprokets, get greasy, get cut, make life miserable.

That said, there are a LOT of good clothes that combine those two elements without being tight lycra. Mountain bike shorts in particular tend to have a lycra under-layer and a normal-looking overlayer. Best of both worlds.
posted by thedevildancedlightly at 2:47 PM on June 1, 2005

Times like this, I really don't like the fact that I am a heterosexual woman. Those things are UGLY.

You think a vulva is that much prettier?
posted by TungstenChef at 2:50 PM on June 1, 2005

OMFG.


Bikerfox.


Who would have known there was someone out there worse than the Fat Tron dude.

i just spend 15min on his Fox Fotoz page.. lol awesome!

kou
posted by kou5oku at 2:53 PM on June 1, 2005

Points finger at the devildancelightly

*AH HA* He's so ghay he's wearing double sided to hide his little penis !

Anyway have you noticed hot gurls look twice as hot on a bike...goodgod they look sooo much tight tight trouble !

TungstenChef: there you go Cameltoe leave nuthin to imagination. VERY NSFW , Graphic

Now don't tell me I don't bring ya new fetishes
posted by elpapacito at 2:55 PM on June 1, 2005

What Dipsomaniac said.

It's all about the very real drag created when baggier clothes bunch up between your seat and thighs. This is why racing bikes have such narrow seats, and not big, wide comfy seats. There's just better clearance between the meat of the thigh and the seat when pedaling.

(This is also why recumbent bike riders just laugh at the upright-riders. Good recumbent bikes have some really, really insane efficiency ratings when compared to even the lightest, thinnest, and most high-tech of racing bikes. You can't really push against the pedals much harder than gravity will allow on a traditional frame, but on a recumbent you can push as hard as your legs, pedals, frame, and drivetrain will allow.)

It's also about sweat. Heavy, natural fiber clothes soaking with sweat weigh more, and chafe more.
posted by loquacious at 2:55 PM on June 1, 2005

horsewithnoname made my day
posted by ori at 2:57 PM on June 1, 2005

I tried the "lycra" padded pants and hey they work great for me..so yeah watch my cock going left and right..besides it becomes very very graphic only if you're having an erection.

Heh. I get wood when riding. But I like riding. I really like riding. It's not really a problem until I stop riding and stand up, so I just keep riding.

Scha-wing batter batter...
posted by loquacious at 2:58 PM on June 1, 2005

harlequin, I'm a pretty avid cyclist (or used to be before we had a baby) and I can't stand riding in lycra. Not only is it uncomfortable to me, it makes me feel like a sausage (and not in the good way).

loquacious, recumbents do indeed kick tail over most road bikes. But, I've yet to see a recumbent mountain bike.

kou5oku, BikerFox is like a brain infection. His freakish little grin and impish poses will haunt you forever now. Sorry.
posted by fenriq at 3:03 PM on June 1, 2005

Just so the women athletes get equal time (slightly NSFW)
posted by TungstenChef at 3:07 PM on June 1, 2005

loquacious writes "Heh. I get wood when riding. But I like riding."

Apparently you like riding indeed!

Seriously though, bike riding in the Americas (it's the same in Canada) is not the same as bike riding in Europe or Asia. In the Americas it's an activity in itself. In Europe and Asia it's a means of transportation. That's why North Americans have to have special clothes and fancy, outrageously expensive bikes, and ride very rarely on average. Europeans and Asians wear whatever they normally wear and often ride several times daily on cheap but solid bikes.
posted by clevershark at 3:07 PM on June 1, 2005

The picture so traumatized brownpau that he cried out for his Spanish aunt.

Heh.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:19 PM on June 1, 2005

Seriously though, bike riding in the Americas (it's the same in Canada) is not the same as bike riding in Europe or Asia.

In Montreal it's almost the same, but not quite. But that's only because those goddamn drivers don't look in their mirrors and don't signal when they move lanes. And did I mention the potholes?

But I ?do ride a cheap but solid bike, and do that several times a day as a means of transportation. Unless there is a lot of snow on the road.
posted by kika at 3:35 PM on June 1, 2005

Partly related to cycling: someone gave me Bob Babbit's book on the Kona Ironman last year. The cover and frontspiece shot is the same: a guy running into the finish line. He is exhilarated and sweaty and, unfortunately, wearing a white tri-suit.

Bob had to put a sticker over the pickle on the cover. I always felt bad for the poor sod who had to sticker every copy of that book.
posted by RakDaddy at 3:44 PM on June 1, 2005

Wow. Go Poland!
posted by nyterrant at 3:47 PM on June 1, 2005

TungstenChef, there are cameltoes and then there are Olympic Gold Cameltoes! I salute those brave women and their tight shorts!
posted by fenriq at 3:52 PM on June 1, 2005

I love a buffet.
posted by WolfDaddy at 3:53 PM on June 1, 2005

Doh! Those medals are bronze. Oh well, I'll still salute them.
posted by fenriq at 3:53 PM on June 1, 2005

i get it! it's funny because you can see the outline of their penises.
posted by gnutron at 3:57 PM on June 1, 2005

RakDaddy writes "I always felt bad for the poor sod who had to sticker every copy of that book."

I wonder what happened after he was done. Was he... [wait for it] sacked? [runs]
posted by clevershark at 3:59 PM on June 1, 2005

BikerFox? Old news, but still funny. These Guys are teh hot.

posted by fixedgear at 4:23 PM on June 1, 2005

This just needs to be below the above pic to be even funnier:

I love a buffet.
posted by WolfDaddy at 3:53 PM PST on June 1 [!]

*snorfle*
posted by loquacious at 4:30 PM on June 1, 2005

In Portland OR it seems like there's a group of bicycle riders who wear "army cap" style hats and generally 'dark depression era meets bootcamp in the summer' style clothes. I would love to know where this fashion comes from and how it came to be the outfit for hip bicyclists. Anyone know where this comes from? Or maybe no one else has noticed this alleged phenomenon. This has nothing to do with tight clothing, sorry.
posted by chowder at 4:38 PM on June 1, 2005

The Camel-Toe Report
posted by geekyguy at 4:55 PM on June 1, 2005

But really, doesn't anyone else find men more or less proudly displaying what's on offer to be kind of hot? In a reverse-objectification kind of way?

So jokeefe, you're asking to be sent photos proudly displaying what's on offer, then?

I promise to feel objectified...
posted by vsync at 5:07 PM on June 1, 2005

So jokeefe, you're asking to be sent photos proudly displaying what's on offer, then?

Erm.....

*quickly replaces email address with wolfdaddy's*
posted by jokeefe at 5:47 PM on June 1, 2005

My husband is a mountain biker, so I don't have to laugh at his shorts. But I do get to laugh at his weenie socks and shoes.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:56 PM on June 1, 2005

You can forward them to me. And fixedgear, that site is hot. I've been dreaming of a site of naked boys reading, but until that shows up, this'll do.
posted by dame at 5:58 PM on June 1, 2005

Fixedgear: Nice! There should be more sites like that. Naked guys reading is also a very good idea. Ooo! Naked guys in a science lab...
posted by Kloryne at 6:14 PM on June 1, 2005

Kloryne:

If it's a science lab, then they don't technically need to be naked, possibilities are endless:

"At last Johnson! The new fibre is perfected! It's completely invisible to the unaided eye - look - you can't even tell that I'm wearing pants!" :-)
posted by -harlequin- at 6:30 PM on June 1, 2005

I've been dreaming of a site of naked boys reading, but until that shows up, this'll do.
posted by dame at 5:58 PM PST on June 1 [!]

Doesn't anyone remember what we learned from Seinfeld? There's good naked and there's bad naked.

Book fan though I am, I can't envision good-naked reading.
posted by mudpuppie at 6:33 PM on June 1, 2005

This page, 4th photo down. A perfect-scoring male toe apparently brought to you by the very friendly people at Disney... it was so blatant I just had to share.
posted by clevershark at 6:35 PM on June 1, 2005

Heavens to Betsy! Did anyone else notice that xxx's book was coupled with Going Long? ::spit martini::

And at Bifurcated Rivets, I loved Dance Like a White Guy.

Great post!
posted by ancientgower at 6:44 PM on June 1, 2005

This thread got a lot of comments. We at MeFi are truly friends of the cock.
posted by orange swan at 6:46 PM on June 1, 2005

Aieee! Clevershark saw the pirate schlong, but failed to warn us about this link from that page.

"Honey, I'm going out to mow the lawn again..."

And yes, the xxx in my previous post should have been "RakDaddy." Clearly I didn't spit out enough of my martini.
posted by ancientgower at 6:51 PM on June 1, 2005

*.forward's his e-mail back to jokeefe*
posted by WolfDaddy at 6:54 PM on June 1, 2005

I didn't even see that link, but I got a few giggles out of it just now... "gartenarbeit" indeed!

Actually for some reason the "pirate" page featured two germans. Is there some sort of a German male national fascination with appearing publicly in, er, very light attire?
posted by clevershark at 6:56 PM on June 1, 2005

i'm a little worried about Oscar Meyer Number Two.

that is all.
posted by RedEmma at 8:15 PM on June 1, 2005

Dude, Fixedgear, you blew the cover....

I so submitted my photo to the fixie pinup site a week or so ago.... now it's all famous. There goes my chances at public office.
posted by asterisk at 9:13 PM on June 1, 2005

Book fan though I am, I can't envision good-naked reading.

You have obviously never met my boyfriend. Besides, the shy ones can use the book to block. Finally, good naked is nice looking + I can touch. Bad naked is bad looking or good looking + me no touch. Other than that, I do not belive in bad naked.
posted by dame at 9:27 PM on June 1, 2005

A rubber band around the bottom right leg of your jeans works way better than bicycle shorts for keeping clothing out of the chain.
posted by The Cardinal at 9:45 PM on June 1, 2005

But that cuts off circulation in my penis.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 12:01 AM on June 2, 2005

I'm not allowed to ride any of my bikes barefoot. Even posing naked near sharp chainrings and cogs makes me a little nervous.
posted by fixedgear at 2:19 AM on June 2, 2005

Metafilter has finally turned into FARK!
posted by gilgamix at 8:54 AM on June 2, 2005

Great, now I've caught the gay. You can't just un-see that.
posted by Smedleyman at 11:42 AM on June 2, 2005

This is quite the Fark-ish thread. Regarding the proletariet clothing of Portland cyclists:

When I lived in SE, off of Hawthorne (I am now a fat man in a minivan wearing dark socks with sorts) the kids in the area, especially from the city bicycle coop would make a point of wearing slackerish working class mechanic's jackets, canvas pants, old t-shirts, chuck taylors, etc. So I'm guessing that the depression-style clothing Chowder described is the evolution or commodification of late 90's slacker chic.

We just visited and gentrification has swept the area like a flood.
posted by mecran01 at 12:14 PM on June 2, 2005

Oh, also bike shorts keep you from chafing the end of your manly unit against loose fabric in the crotch area. On long rides you want no point of friction anywhere on your body.
posted by mecran01 at 12:32 PM on June 2, 2005

I appear to have misplaced my time machine. May I have it back so that I can return to when I had never clicked that link?
posted by majick at 6:50 PM on June 3, 2005