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Ted Jesus Christ GOD.
June 11, 2005 9:22 AM   Subscribe

Ted Jesus Christ GOD.
posted by tpoh.org (87 comments total)

 
I believe him.
posted by farishta at 9:33 AM on June 11, 2005


It's like I just woke up! Hallelujah!
posted by wigu at 9:36 AM on June 11, 2005


This is a lot like the Dr. Bronner's Castile Soap labels. Ted, you bum!
posted by nj_subgenius at 9:39 AM on June 11, 2005


Well, if nothing else, he's at least the god of run on sentences...
posted by twiggy at 9:48 AM on June 11, 2005


He looks like Jesus! What other possible explaination is there?

Also: I bought a friend of mine one of those soaps as a gag gift. He didn't understand it.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 9:55 AM on June 11, 2005


All I have to say is:

Oh? Really?
posted by Jon-o at 9:56 AM on June 11, 2005


Love the "preferred artist rendition" of Jesus used as proof of resemblance. We know that Jesus looked like a robust 16th Century Italian, after all.
posted by QuietDesperation at 10:05 AM on June 11, 2005


No way, man. JC would never wear a yellow or gold necktie.
posted by mmahaffie at 10:11 AM on June 11, 2005


I was out clubbin' in Rome a few weeks ago and I overheard the Pope (Ratzinger's a big St. Germain fan by the looks of his moves on the floor) tell some Cardinal 'That Ted cocksucker better not come up around this piece or I'm gonna pup a cap up his ass' and the the Cardinal (it looked like Sodano but I couldn't really tell) was like 'Oh, snap!' and Ratzinger was like 'Beyatch is gonna fuck everything with that weak-ass shit' and Sodano was like 'Best believin' P'.

True story. Swear. Three cheers for the Baby Jeebus. Hip-hop Hooray. Hip-hop Hooray. Hip-hop Hooray!
posted by jimmythefish at 10:14 AM on June 11, 2005


If you dig deeper into the site, you'll come across his photo albums [nsfw] with commentary. Lots of eroticized violence, some bondage and even gore. This guy is clearly struggling with something dark.
posted by felix betachat at 10:14 AM on June 11, 2005


This is Ted Jesus Christ GOD and HE is Ted and Jesus and Christ and GOD and the Child Prophesied to have Nativity in Revelation 12:5 that the author was NOT familiar with and is the actual prophesy for the Second Coming Nativity. The author who was FAMILIAR with Joseph and Mary and Jesus was NOT familiar with this Women and the Child that is about a future Nativity. Then when dies the Child is taken the Throne of God because the Child is God and is Ted.

Well, that answers that.
posted by freudianslipper at 10:15 AM on June 11, 2005


Dr. Bronner's Castile Soap

That stuff is great! I like the labels too, always a good laugh in the shower...
posted by nervousfritz at 10:18 AM on June 11, 2005


What's with the page title?
posted by danb at 10:20 AM on June 11, 2005


This is a lot like the Dr. Bronner's Castile Soap labels

THAT'S what it reminded me of!
posted by SisterHavana at 10:20 AM on June 11, 2005


Holy shit.
posted by psmealey at 10:28 AM on June 11, 2005


Yeah, you know i got quite a few "preferred" versions of different aspects of my life, funny thing tho' if they where the REAL version I'd probably be spending 10-12 in the pokey for various offences to the state.

Fan TA sy
posted by edgeways at 10:30 AM on June 11, 2005


Really, "Ted"? Maybe if it was Jeremiah, say, or at least John, but Ted just doesn't have that "Savior of the World" ring to it.
posted by slimslowslider at 10:35 AM on June 11, 2005


Uh-uh, Dr. Bronner made much more sense, as in "Don't Drink Soap! Dilute! Dilute!"
posted by davy at 10:38 AM on June 11, 2005


"TJCG is THE LION and HE is the Lion of Judah. HE is LOOKING and FEELING and LIKE this and does take SWIPES at People and entire Churches and Nations and ALL of World Earth and ATTACK and ATTACK the throat and juggler vein of many past and current and future enemies."

Not only is Ted God, HE is also a fairly decent Beat Poet. (I suggest HE calls HIS first collection 'The Juggler Vein and Other Poems'.)
posted by the_unutterable at 10:43 AM on June 11, 2005


The FBI and CIA and Law Enforcement and Major Christian Churches need to get ENTIRE SNAPSHOTS of ALL of the Internet and start TRYING to PROVE that Satan or Devil and Demons did and do exist on World Earth and this in the next 7 years or less! Ted does NEED this PROOF!

Oh, brother.
posted by davy at 10:45 AM on June 11, 2005




I thought this Ted was Jesus Christ GOD
posted by Derive the Hamiltonian of... at 10:46 AM on June 11, 2005


What's with the page title?

obviously jesus uses linux. if you read slashdot you know windows is the devils own OS.
posted by quonsar at 10:47 AM on June 11, 2005


Dr. Bronner
posted by PhatLobley at 10:50 AM on June 11, 2005


Check out the .pdf of the label.
Good soap too.
posted by PhatLobley at 10:51 AM on June 11, 2005


I think it's fake.

Ted will still meet some Christian Human Females to make them pregnant and this SECRETLY while there is still time and these will be kept ENORMOUSLY SECRET! These will have to POLYGRAPH first and be CHECKED OUT and BACKGROUNDS CHECKED COMPLETELY and then a RENDEZVOUS place can be arranged.
posted by Marquis at 10:54 AM on June 11, 2005


I'm trying to decipher the subtle message conveyed with the mushroom cloud picture. A little help?
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 10:56 AM on June 11, 2005


Ummm... I was trying to post a small picture of Ted Nugent, but apparently that feature is turned off or I screwed up.

Seriously though, I thought Ted Nugent was Jesus Christ God.
posted by Derive the Hamiltonian of... at 11:03 AM on June 11, 2005


Ted has WORKED VERY HARD and TRIED to get SNAPSHOTS of Internet Sites that are Bad and or Wicked and or Evil and to EVIL to DRASTICALLY EVIL and photos and graphics and art that shows and is EVIDENCE of what Satan or Devil and Demons and Satanist and them similar to Satanist Do

Uh-huh. Yep.
posted by gimonca at 11:06 AM on June 11, 2005


...Ted is saying THIS FEELS GOOD!

...NO Ted was NOT an ASSHOLE back then ...

...YES Ted did GIVE IT Teds BEST SHOT...

...Did Ted ever order a HIT while in Russia? NO ...

...MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT! That was a JOKE!

... Ted prefers the 45 with Hollow Point Bullets...

...Ted is actually QUITE HONEST about how Ted FEELS.

...Ted today has a SEVERE HEADACHE and DOES NOT FEEL WELL and FEELS UPSET...

...Ted will get THE LAST LAUGH!


posted by buzzv at 11:06 AM on June 11, 2005


Whew. Poor Ted.
posted by GrammarMoses at 11:09 AM on June 11, 2005


All-Ted! All-Ted! Dilute! Dilute! OK!!

Are Bronner's labels still made of that insubstantial papery stuff? By the time I'd finally read through to the bottom of the label, the top had washed away.
posted by cmyk at 11:14 AM on June 11, 2005


My son, thou art batshit crazy. Amen.
posted by God Almighty at 11:34 AM on June 11, 2005


If you dig deeper into the site, you'll come across his photo albums with commentary. Lots of eroticized violence, some bondage and even gore. This guy is clearly struggling with something dark.

Shit. I'm hoping that he didn't take all those pictures himself, because otherwise--well, it just wouldn't be fair that he gets to go to so many more parties than I do. But I guess Crazy Jesus gets to make the rules. At least he's not enjoying himself at them.
posted by cytherea at 11:51 AM on June 11, 2005


I always preferred Ted of the Wild Stallyns as my personal lord and savior. Party on, dudes.
posted by sellout at 11:56 AM on June 11, 2005


Ted is only Human! Ted does COMPLAIN once in a while about NOT having a Female and having to be CELIBATE for over 7 years and keeps getting that Ted is SCARING THE EVERYTHING out of Females that WANT to be HIS and this due to Assassination to Abduction Risks or Legal Mistake Risks for making Religious Mistakes. This Religious Work is Female REPELLANT and Family Repellant and Friend REPELLANT and Human REPELLANT and Ted was NOT and is NOT doing this for a game or fun or entertainment or revenge!

It is hard to be Ted.
posted by grabbingsand at 12:00 PM on June 11, 2005


Y'know, in the old days when you called the number on the Dr. Bronner Peppermint Soap label you could actually talk to Dr. Bronner himself. (I was too respectful to tell him that, no, his soap does not make for good shampooing, however wonderful it may have been in other regards.)

This Ted dude, though, is the last person on the planet I would care to talk to.
posted by kozad at 12:01 PM on June 11, 2005


Whoa ...

Ted in happier, pre-Messianic, pro-Linux days.
posted by grabbingsand at 12:08 PM on June 11, 2005


I really feel sorry for this guy. He's clearly not mentally well... can you imagine being trapped in that delusion day in, day out?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 12:09 PM on June 11, 2005


cytherea - the bondage photos are from hogtied.com.

Interestingly, the front page says it was "Updated last on 03-07-05," but if you read his True Third Testament to Bibles it says "Ted is saying I have a BAD FEELING that I will not last much longer! It is IMPERATIVE that copies be made and SECURED! How can you tell? If this Internet Site is not updated in 3 months there is a problem." Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare??
posted by thejoshu at 12:11 PM on June 11, 2005


Ah, nevermind. The questsystemslinux.com page was updated yesterday.
posted by thejoshu at 12:13 PM on June 11, 2005


Anyone else get the feeling that Ted Jesus Christ God just might be the perpatrator of the acts depicted in his photo gallery?
posted by Jon-o at 12:15 PM on June 11, 2005




Ted R. Kurts and Quest Systems are NOT afraid to use and are not adverse to using the standard penguin also and some are in Linux and that seems STRANGE and TOO REBELLIOUS and COUNTER to what Linux did and does represent! QuestSystemsLinux is Linux and is NOT a deviant!

YES Ted R. Kurts and Quest Systems are YOUNG THINKERS and not stuffy or stiff or overly business like and can put a Female Dancing Penguin in Pink Sunglasses on the Index Page!


Better not tell him that the penguin isn't a girl, just gay.
posted by cytherea at 12:18 PM on June 11, 2005


I would really, really like to meet Ted GOD. I'm fascinated by him, because we have so little in common (he has a beard, I don't; he wears yellow ties, I generally wear open shirts; he is Ted Jesus Christ GOD, I'm just nylon).

What would it be like to actually meet him? What would he say? Would it be a totally alien, impenetrable encounter, equivalent, say, to me trying to chat to an angry badger? Or would it be (relatively) rational, reasonable, with just a twist of idealogical difference? Would we be able to talk about the weather, or about nice places we've visited, or about the virgins we keep hogtied in the basement? Or would it be an intense one way screed with him not listening or not able to listen to anything I'd say?

What is his house like? How does he furnish/decorate it? What does he eat for breakfast? Where does he buy his groceries? What time does he go to bed?

Have any of you people actually met total wingnuts? Like the Time Cube guy - he has to eat, sleep and shit just like the rest of us - and it's these necessary mundanities, juxtaposed with the sheer mental outness and obsession, that fascinate me so much.
posted by nylon at 12:27 PM on June 11, 2005


Hey, MeFi doesn't have a Female Dancing Penguin in Pink Sunglasses on the Index Page!! Can we get one? I don't want to be a stiff.
posted by brain_drain at 12:31 PM on June 11, 2005


TED goes to raves and auto shows to research scantily clad co-eds and pole-dancing models with a digital camera for DEMONSTRATION PURPOSES only! Ted DOES NOT surf rape and abduction porn sites for personal gratification! Just to show you all how evil and bad you are!
posted by nanojath at 1:06 PM on June 11, 2005


The Hosts of Ancient Heaven really are NOT into Oral Sex. Why? We for thousands of years have Determined that this is not how to have sex and is dirty and unclean and nasty and smelly and too much work and not nice or respectful and do you really think that Females really like having to put a mans penis in their mouth and work that hard and try to give the man a headjob or blowjob and then get this man having an orgasm and ejaculating in their mouth and them required to SWALLOW or make this man UPSET or ANGRY or LIVID? NO

Too much work. Heh.
posted by dodgygeezer at 1:12 PM on June 11, 2005


(psssh) There's no way, Ted's not BLACK.
posted by deusdiabolus at 1:34 PM on June 11, 2005


And it's like the Hulk blog too, now that I think about it. Props to the late Dr. Bronner, a much more positive guy. I was just thinking sentence structure and such. Ahem.
posted by nj_subgenius at 1:39 PM on June 11, 2005


The Hosts of Ancient Heaven really are NOT into Oral Sex. Why? We for thousands of years have Determined that this is not how to have sex and is dirty and unclean and nasty and smelly and too much work [...]

Too much work. Heh.


Oh my God, this is the first place where I am in total agreement with him. If I wasn't so lazy, I'd find the transcript of the Margaret Cho bit where she's channeling one of her drag queen guardian angels telling her, "If you stick your finger up his asshole, he'll come faster!"

(Then again, if I wasn't so lazy, I'd probably be having more oral sex. Que sera sera.)
posted by ChrisTN at 2:19 PM on June 11, 2005


Ted Nugent, Ted Bundy, Ted Kaczynski, and now this. Some days it sucks to be me.
posted by TedW at 2:21 PM on June 11, 2005


Every time a schizo gets his hands on a computer, poetry is created.

My favorite page is the "Services" one, where he rants in SERIOUS RED TYPE about how his website was "DRASTICALLY HACKED" and he had to wipe his hard drive and reload his OS and on and on...

I say we let him be president, how bad could he be?
posted by fungible at 2:25 PM on June 11, 2005



Then there's this guy.
posted by Fozzie at 2:31 PM on June 11, 2005


Does this look like I'm bluffing?(11mg MPEG)

I do feel sorry for him, and hope he gets some medical help, but that's getting kind of scary.

But this is priceless:

Ted is now COMMANDING for the Hosts of Ancient Heaven that are Designated to answer and this including Michael the Angel and Gabriel the Angel that are referenced in Bibles to get through and tell Ted and Humans on World Earth and tell them how many times Jesus and Mary Magdalene had sexual intercourse? About 10 times. Then how many Orgasms did Jesus have with her? This was about 10. Then how many did she have with Jesus? This was about 33 and she had Multiple Orgasms with Jesus and was IN LOVE with Jesus and was making PASSIONATE LOVE to Jesus! Did she do Oral Sex on Jesus? NO Did Jesus do Oral Sex on her? NO Did Jesus do Doggie Style on her? NO Then what Sexual Position? Only the Missionary Position. Then did Jesus French Kiss her? NO Then what type of Kissing? Only lip Kissing. Then did Jesus suck her breast? YES Both Breast? YES What did Jesus do with her nipples with the lips and tongue of Jesus? Jesus used the lips and a little tongue on the nipples. Did she give Jesus a hickie? NO Did Jesus give her this? NO Then did Jesus make her pregnant? NO Why? This was a time when Females understood how to wash and douche and try to keep from getting pregnant and these had techniques. Then was Mary Magdalene CLEAN? YES and she was an ENORMOUSLY EXPENSIVE Prostitute. Then did she charge Jesus? NO ABSOLUTELY NOT! Then on a Scale of 0 to 10 how did Mary Magdalene LOOK? This was a 10 COMPLETELY! Who is reporting this? A Host of Ancient Heaven that SPIRITUALLY CONTROLLED Mary Magdalene and REMEMBERS THIS VIVIDLY like this was yesterday. Then WHY did these two not get married? These could not and Jesus had a short time and UNDERSTOOD this.
posted by cytherea at 2:53 PM on June 11, 2005


So Jesus only went to second base? C'mon, it's Jesus and the Kingdom was his Stabbin' Cabin. Surely he would have taken advantage of this?
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 4:00 PM on June 11, 2005


Whoa! When did intercourse become second base and what have I been missing out on?
posted by Frisbee Girl at 4:32 PM on June 11, 2005


Ted may be a nutcase, but he's still got an eye on the bottom line. To be saved in the Tedian Church you must:
1. Give all your net worth to Ted
2. Pay monthly tithes directly to Ted
3. If you are Christian clergy you can open a Tedian Church and keep what you collect, except you must send Ted 37% as a gift via an untraceable anonymous money order so Ted won't owe any taxes on it

Then there's this requirement:
4. Give your virgin daughters to Ted

wtf?
posted by Quietgal at 4:38 PM on June 11, 2005


Rather unique hiring policy to post on your corporate website. (NSFW)
posted by Baby_Balrog at 5:02 PM on June 11, 2005


Ted was raised for Teds entire life a very good Christian and in the Seventh Day Adventist Church

ah...
posted by Baby_Balrog at 5:10 PM on June 11, 2005


BB, that page is definitely Teddy's opus.
posted by mek at 5:43 PM on June 11, 2005


how do people that nuts figure out how to use the internet?
what a wack job.
posted by tarantula at 6:02 PM on June 11, 2005


(links nwsf)

This LESBIAN Satanist is engaged on what is called Water Torture that is Ice and Those have a BUDGET and SPEND on Those Fetishes and this is a Young Female that is NOT that old and is getting Tortured and will end up dead. You need to LOOK at her hair and this is tied in a bun and this is a CONSERVATIVE Female that was ABDUCTED and is NOT a Satanist!

hair tied in a bun = conservative & not a satanist

i did not know that.

thanks Metafilter!
posted by tsarfan at 6:06 PM on June 11, 2005


Everyone knows Jesus lives in New York.
posted by bwg at 6:24 PM on June 11, 2005


Ted R. Kurts is THE CAPTAIN of the Quest Systems Linux Business Segment that has QuestSystemsLinux related Divisions and Business Units and Channels under this and a Chain of Command and this Nuclear Submarine with Torpedoes and Nuclear Torpedoes and Cruise Missiles and Nuclear Missiles.

No wonder Microsoft is so afraid of Linux.
posted by pitchblende at 6:40 PM on June 11, 2005


This guy kicks Time Cube's ass.
posted by fungible at 7:01 PM on June 11, 2005


I wonder if Ted would like to bathe with Jesus?
posted by mullingitover at 7:07 PM on June 11, 2005


I don't suppose this is the time and place to announce my own Messiahship, huh. (And quonsar is my prophet!)
posted by davy at 8:02 PM on June 11, 2005


wow
posted by untuckedshirts at 8:47 PM on June 11, 2005


Whoa! When did intercourse become second base and what have I been missing out on?
posted by Frisbee Girl at 4:32 PM PST on June 11 [!]


3rd base is Alex. Home run is pancakes. Read the manual, Frisbee. It's all there.
posted by DeepFriedTwinkies at 9:31 PM on June 11, 2005


It's so sad. Before the schizophrenia set in, he was a software engineer at Sun, and later started a fairly successful company whose products included the first SLIP and PPP clients for SunOS. The most successful product was a port of X11R4 (earlier R3) and Motif again for SunOS. Clients included Sun and the Military.

He seems to have run into trouble when he lost a bidding ware with Fujitsu over the engineers for a cross-platform C++ windowing framework--his illness seems to have started about this time.

He lost his business--his wife tried to take control of the company from him, and then he spent several years sailing. But money got tighter, and his disease more profound, and he lost his wife and children. After that, his adventures with prostitutes and mail order brides started, although he also claims to have been celibate over the same period.

Or, that's what I managed to glean. He seems most coherent when talking about software. His history includes many pictures of him before he became ill.

It seems such a shame that he either never sought treatment or it was unsuccessful for him.
posted by cytherea at 11:53 PM on June 11, 2005


I think it's fake.

No. It's a .org and those are reserved for real stuff.
posted by geekyguy at 3:22 AM on June 12, 2005


I am tired of Jesus and Christianity constantly getting attention. I mean, this is competely insane and here we are talking about it.
posted by daleshipley at 5:00 AM on June 12, 2005


3rd base is Alex. Home run is pancakes. Read the manual, Frisbee. It's all there.
posted by DeepFriedTwinkies at 9:31 PM PST on June 11 [!]


Ha! Thanks DeepFriedTwinkies, I'll get right on that, especially to find out if there's a chance to skip 3rd base. Even though his comment denying all responsibility for the Chinese gaming thread was pretty durned funny, he's just not my type and I'm determined to get the pancakes I so richly deserve.
posted by Frisbee Girl at 5:17 AM on June 12, 2005


> I am tired of Jesus and Christianity constantly getting
> attention.

Um. Did you actually read the site that was linked to? Or any of the posts?

It seemed to me that the post and the discussion was all about schizophrenia and delusional belief systems. I don't recall reading anything at all about Christianity -- other than Ted's ranting.

> I mean, this is competely insane and here we are talking
> about it

Hit the space bar and move on...
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:42 AM on June 12, 2005


WWTJCGD?
posted by phylum sinter at 6:28 AM on June 12, 2005


I blame the parasites.
posted by hojoki at 6:33 AM on June 12, 2005


I blame the very bright lights.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 6:36 AM on June 12, 2005


Some of Ted's commandments:

Do not verbalize Ted in a swearing tone.

Do not cut of the balls of any man that is called castration.

Do not eat people.

Do not threaten people unless these deserve to be threatened.

Do not wear cowboy boots.

Do not make bombs and have fun with them.

Do not play chess.

Do not have sex in a car or truck or SUV.

Do not fart out loud or around people. Do this in a bathroom if possible.

posted by pterodactyler at 8:26 AM on June 12, 2005


Do not eat people

Dietary laws. Damn. I was so close to joining.
posted by hojoki at 8:42 AM on June 12, 2005


Oh, and by the way, Dr. Bronner was quite firmly against LESBIAN WATER TORTURE, even though he didn't put pictures of LESBIAN WATER TORTURE on his soap bottles to prove how unhygenic LESBIAN WATER TORTURE is.
posted by kozad at 8:59 AM on June 12, 2005


no chess? I guess we know someone's insecurity...
posted by modernerd at 9:02 AM on June 12, 2005


This is just one of many such cases that we will see as the long term effects of Object Oriented Programming on the BRAIN begin to make themselves known.
posted by lastobelus at 10:12 AM on June 12, 2005


Ted Jesus Christ GOD is sooooooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants. I can't believe it sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart. Ted is totally awesome and that's a fact. Ted Jesus Christ GOD is fast, smooth, cool, strong, powerful, and sweet. I can't wait to start yoga next year. I love Ted Jesus Christ GOD with all of my body (including my pee pee).

(paraphrased from, you guessed it...)
posted by Jon-o at 11:11 AM on June 12, 2005


This guy is a brilliant satirist. I love his work. Really top-notch.
posted by telstar at 1:08 PM on June 12, 2005


Are there any Unofficial Ted Jesus Christ GOD sites? Someone should get on that.
posted by yhbc at 2:31 PM on June 12, 2005


He has video clips!
posted by pterodactyler at 9:42 PM on June 12, 2005


That shrill background noise in the video clips is strangely hypnotic. I think I'm a believer now...
posted by Jon-o at 10:04 PM on June 12, 2005


86 comments on this?
posted by grouse at 11:35 AM on June 14, 2005


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