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The greatest story ever told
June 21, 2005 3:35 PM   Subscribe

The greatest story ever told or The Tale of the Mad Feces King: Two slightly different edits of the same ultimate bad room-mate story, originally posted on the Something Awful forums.
posted by boymilo (54 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
I'm still reading this, but...
I had had enough. I bought a minifridge, a plug-in stovetop, two padlocked footlockers, a wooden bar, duct tape, a remote-control car, and an external padlock.
Jesus, that's when he should have moved. Who's the crazy one here?
posted by grouse at 3:50 PM on June 21, 2005


I still love that story.

[this is 5]
posted by Optimus Chyme at 3:53 PM on June 21, 2005


That was just wrong. Reminds me of the dorm wars series on Kuro5hin.
posted by grouse at 3:59 PM on June 21, 2005


[this is bullshit]
posted by pmbuko at 3:59 PM on June 21, 2005


I hope that doesn't mean what I think it means, as in this is the fifth time this story has been posted. I also don't understand pmbuko's comment.
posted by boymilo at 4:02 PM on June 21, 2005


[G O L D]
how can you post a SA thread saved for posterity and not understand [this is 5]?
posted by boo_radley at 4:03 PM on June 21, 2005


I don't understand because I literally stumbled onto the page in the first link and have no experience with SA content.
posted by boymilo at 4:10 PM on June 21, 2005


It's a shame, because as soon as you don't believe the story, it loses all its value. And I don't believe the story.
posted by jonson at 4:11 PM on June 21, 2005


Jesus, move out or have the happy shitter guy evicted. I have a very hard time believing anyone would put up with this much shit from a housemate. I would have thrown all his shit in the street and changed the locks the first time he used something other than a toilet to shit in.
posted by fenriq at 4:20 PM on June 21, 2005


Assuming it is a true story: the "normal" guy is weirder than this "Jeb" guy, who at least had insanity to blame. Who the fuck would clean the other guy's shit up? And then stay? Rather than, say, punch the crazy guy's teeth out and then leave forever?

Or it's not true.
posted by pracowity at 4:23 PM on June 21, 2005


Whomever touched up this pic really needs a refresher Photoshop 101 course.
posted by item at 4:26 PM on June 21, 2005


"I think he was taking shits in the bathtub and covering it with newspapers, like some kind of foul lasagna. "

Brilliant!
posted by gurple at 4:26 PM on June 21, 2005


Nobody takes shit like that from anybody without kicking his shit out. Unless they just don't give a shit. This story is a load of shit.

Shit,
ssFlandershit
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 4:26 PM on June 21, 2005


This is the fakest "true" story that I've ever read, and I've read 63days.com.
posted by Mayor Curley at 4:38 PM on June 21, 2005


5 golden manbabies.
posted by basicchannel at 4:39 PM on June 21, 2005


Not to derail, but MC, was the fakitude of 63days.com ever confirmed? I'm with you, the more I read of that the more I was thinking "bullshit", but I'm curious to know if there was ever any more evidence.

Oh, yeah, and poop poop poop.
posted by gurple at 4:44 PM on June 21, 2005


I agree, this story eventually left me with serious doubts about its credibility. But I don't care. I started out with the notion that I was reading an account of actual events. I finished the story with the same belief. Upon reflection, I realized that it might be fabricated in whole or in part, but that in no way diminishes my enjoyment of the story. It's kind of like the Amityville Horror. The fact that I spent the whole time reading the book with the notion that it was true made it more enjoyable. When I discovered that it was a hoax, it didn't retroactively make my enjoyment of the book any less.
posted by boymilo at 4:46 PM on June 21, 2005


voted 5
posted by perianwyr at 5:02 PM on June 21, 2005


Damn, I misread this post and originally thought we were going to see the same story told from the other roommate's point of view. The rebuttal, as it were. Now I feel cheated.
posted by Nelson at 5:09 PM on June 21, 2005


The reaction of many posters is typical to most of the stories from SA. I find it's more fun to just pretend the stories are true.

Besides, he's no Hakan.
posted by Four Flavors at 5:11 PM on June 21, 2005


I agree with most of the folks here: this story seems fabricated. But I'm having a hard time deciding why, exactly. What do you think it is that makes it seem fakey? Seriously - I'm interested to hear what y'all think.
posted by Dr. Wu at 5:17 PM on June 21, 2005


Supposedly he couldn't throw his roommate's stuff out because he owned the condo, and he couldn't (or wouldn't) move because he only paid him about $50, and deducted all the cleaning he did out of it.

At least that's what he said on the original SA thread.
posted by Penks at 5:19 PM on June 21, 2005


To me this is plausible, if not 100% convincing. I've had two roommates go crazy (one of them was severely alcoholic and into crack, and the other one was 'merely' broken in the head), and though I did move out when things got bad, I can 100% empathize with the "let's see how bad this gets" impulse. It's pretty much the same thing that compelled me to read this whole story rather than just say "move out, dude" and close the browser.

It's very easy to react irrationally to irrational people. One thing I experienced was a reluctance to give in and let my roommate's problems dominate my life - that is, moving out as a result of them. Staying there as a way of retaining control is nonsensical, because the roommate was out of his control and certainly beyond mine, and though I didn't succumb to it, the desire to maintain the illusion was there.
posted by aubilenon at 5:21 PM on June 21, 2005


Not to derail, but MC, was the fakitude of 63days.com ever confirmed? I'm with you, the more I read of that the more I was thinking "bullshit", but I'm curious to know if there was ever any more evidence.

I haven't looked into the authenticity, but I don't feel a need to-- the author used cyanide rat bait (in tablet form, which obviously doesn't exist as long as there are lawyers) in a first aid kit (and no one is that stupid, not even members of the cult responsible for the alleged "true story"). Your instincts are totally right-- just look at every detail that made you think twice and multiply them. And then think about book deal.
posted by Mayor Curley at 5:25 PM on June 21, 2005


He could have called it "A Rose for Jed."
Seriously, whether it's bullshit or not, it's a fantastic read.
posted by Citizen Premier at 5:26 PM on June 21, 2005


And then think about book deal.

Yeah, that's the first thing about 63 Days that screamed "hoax" to me -- if this were all true, a conventional book deal would net her a lot more money and give her story a lot more publicity than that silly blog.

OK, derail over. Onward the feces!
posted by gurple at 5:30 PM on June 21, 2005


A thoroughly enjoyable (?) read.

The herring, to me, is that if Jed's place is so completely feces-inated, when the water leaked into the author's room, it would have brought a *ton* of fecal contamination with it which would be pretty difficult to live with.
posted by PurplePorpoise at 5:44 PM on June 21, 2005


I had a housemate upstairs who was addicted to coke and mentally unstable. I found out after the guy moved that he would wrap a hose around his arm, pull down his pants and squat over a juice pitcher before shooting up. Apparently after you shoot up you lose control of your vowels. . . Didn't really bother to clean out the pitcher to well. . . Maybe someday I'll write a book about all the nutters I've had as housemates...
posted by mk1gti at 6:10 PM on June 21, 2005


Apparently after you shoot up you lose control of your vowels...

How do you know that he wasn't a welshman and just never had any to begin with?
posted by Mayor Curley at 6:12 PM on June 21, 2005 [1 favorite]


I got him to move out when I came home from work one day and he was holed up in the bathroom hallucinating, convinced that the landlord and cops had been snooping around the house. He figured that by staying in the bathroom with the door closed he had 'fooled them'.
I told him there was a suspicious car outside with two guys in plainclothes wearing sunglasses. I helped him 'escape' by giving him my thick prescription sunglasses to wear to disguise himself as he 'made a break for it' out the back door and off to Spokane. I never saw him again. . . What an idiot . . . I can only imagine what the prescription sunglasses did for his hallucinations. . .
posted by mk1gti at 6:14 PM on June 21, 2005


"Altar of the Shit Demons" -- that's good. Reminds me of the Shit Monster from that movie.
posted by NewBornHippy at 6:17 PM on June 21, 2005


What do you think it is that makes it seem fakey?

Easy: "I took some vic's vaporub from my pocket and doubed just under my nose."

Who walks around with Vics VapoRub in their pocket?
posted by waldo at 6:21 PM on June 21, 2005


If I wanted to read, I'd go to school.
posted by mr.marx at 6:26 PM on June 21, 2005


This is embarassing, but I forgot to mention. As I was hurling stuff, I had my wrench in my hand still, and so I hit myself in the face with it. It required some stitches, and, since I had hit the trashbag full of feces with the wrench, it got infected. So to tally it up, we have one broken foot, one twisted ankle, one gouged and splintered shin, and one bleedingassed face.

I just don't see someone making that part up. And people are willing to put up with a lot of crap from roomates.

True story:

I was haning out with some 'loser/stoner' types, that I sort of knew because a loser/stoner friend of mine knew them, and because I had hit on this loser/stoner chick who worked at jimmy johns.

Two of the girls wer twins (although one was better looking then the other). The better looking twin had been dating this skinny druggy from south America, and for a while the less attractive twin had been living with the two of them.

Anyway, the less skinny druggy from south america was fucking nuts, and the less attractive twin hated him, later she told me and my friend stories about The guy, that he had smeared blood on the walls of their apartment.

---

The fact that it was written by SA forum goons makes it less credible, of course, but if you don't have money living rent free, if you can avoid your roomate, is nice.

That said, I do belive that the story could be true. People (like the author) don't always behave resonably, even when other people are acting insane.
posted by delmoi at 6:44 PM on June 21, 2005


The ending is a little nuts, but it could also be a story which was 'based' on true events but had a made-up ending.
posted by delmoi at 6:45 PM on June 21, 2005


The ending is a little nuts, but it could also be a story which was 'based' on true events but had a made-up ending.

You mean the part where the somethingawful.com forum poster meets the Big Boss? That part must be true-- it has a historical precedent dating back to the original "Double Dragon."
posted by Mayor Curley at 7:20 PM on June 21, 2005


Mayor Curley wins.
posted by poweredbybeard at 7:52 PM on June 21, 2005


Mayor Curley, and by extension, mk1gti, wins.
posted by 40 Watt at 8:32 PM on June 21, 2005


This has my vote for post of the year.
posted by Clay201 at 8:48 PM on June 21, 2005


See, honey? There really are worse housemates than me!

Oh and to answer "Who walks around with Vics VapoRub in their pocket?":

I used to use it as wanking lube. I was a teenager. Figure it out.
posted by davy at 9:20 PM on June 21, 2005


Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Thread delivers! Voted 5!
posted by keswick at 9:29 PM on June 21, 2005


I want to believe.
posted by PurplePorpoise at 9:58 PM on June 21, 2005


keswick came out of the closet to say:
Thread delivers!


---------------------->8-------------------------
posted by moift at 11:50 PM on June 21, 2005


delmoi:

It's funny - I thought the ending was the part that made it most believable - nothing happened. If it was made up, it would have built up to something. Something would have happened. He just found the smoke was from a make-shift candle in the sink, and the guy was batshit crazy in the lasagna bath. :-)

Even if it's fiction, it's true in the sense that in various places, things just like this have happened to people.
posted by -harlequin- at 2:45 AM on June 22, 2005


> This is the fakest "true" story that I've ever read,
> and I've read 63days.com

I've got no idea whether 63days.com is true or not, but I've got a friend who is a science reporter who has just finished a book on the subject of the teen help industry, a large chunk
of which focuses on the Utah wilderness camps, and the content in 63days.com is absolutely consistent with the stuff that she reports, which comes from a wide range of sources, ie. ex-employees, court transcripts, local prosecutors, ex-victims/clients, etc.

Unfortunately, the book is still at the line edit stage, so I can't post an Amazon reference yet, but there's an abundance of evidence on the net that shows that the generalities are accurate, even if the specifics aren't.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:17 AM on June 22, 2005


Damnit, I had to read to the end. Vile. I lived in a rowhouse back in the 90s with a shared roof where we would sometimes hang out. I'm working down in the garden and my roommate asks ifhe could use the roof outside my room for sunning purposes. No problem. But what he does is corss the roof and go into my female friend's room, whom had just beoken up with him. He enters, bleaches all her clothes, destroys her paintings, and takes one giant shyat on her pillow. It was said that he had been saving up after eating a lot of frozen pizza.
posted by moonbird at 4:03 AM on June 22, 2005


waldo : "Who walks around with Vics VapoRub in their pocket?"

Ravers (it apparently heightens the effect of ecstasy. Though Vics nasal inhalers are more popular)
posted by Bugbread at 5:30 AM on June 22, 2005


I remember Mike Patten from Faith No More used to boast about unscrewing hotel room hairdryers and filling them with shit for the next unsuspecting user.
posted by ClanvidHorse at 6:26 AM on June 22, 2005


Awesome story.
posted by graventy at 7:15 AM on June 22, 2005


I had some pretty bad, drug crazed roommates and didn't move. I can see this happening, in part, but who the hell would stay? I can see this based partly in some truth, then embellished using the Silence of the Lambs for inspiration. The vicks, shit tub, stalking the darkened hallway, hearing the screams, we've all seen it before.

Are the lambs silent Clarice?
posted by Pollomacho at 7:54 AM on June 22, 2005


Funny, I read the story. For some reason it reminded me of some of the posters here. The ones always shitting in threads.
posted by Goofyy at 8:14 AM on June 22, 2005


A++++ post, would read again. Thanks!!!!
posted by UKnowForKids at 8:47 AM on June 22, 2005


What I liked best were the things that were never explained - the mysterious human head-shaped object in the fridge. The black furry object that torments our narrator to this day.

But for me, the ultimate surreal touch was the saxophone! Jed didn't play it and it was never explained how he got hold of it.
posted by incrediblemelk at 6:13 AM on June 23, 2005


Followup: As of today, the first link has been overwhelmed, but the second still works fine.
posted by boymilo at 8:36 AM on July 3, 2005


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