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Jesus Is Just Alright With Me
June 21, 2005 6:29 PM   Subscribe

A man walked with Jesus on a beach. "This beach is your life," said Jesus. And looking back, the man could see two sets of footprints, side by side. "You see, I have always walked beside you."
posted by fandango_matt (78 comments total)

 
But in the places where the beach was littered with sharp rocks, broken bottles, and used syringes, the man saw only one set of footprints. "But Jesus," asked the man, "During the hardest parts of my life I walked alone. Why did you leave me at the hardest parts of my life?

There were tears in Jesus's eyes. "My son, at those times, the waves were ten feet high and glassy. I went surfing."
posted by fandango_matt at 6:29 PM on June 21, 2005 [1 favorite]


When it comes to religious beach-wear, I prefer the thong of Gilgamesh.
posted by pg at 6:31 PM on June 21, 2005


Hmmmmm. . .
posted by James I at 6:34 PM on June 21, 2005


Can they customize my (authentic) moon boots?
posted by Sellersburg/Speed at 6:35 PM on June 21, 2005


I have the Budda thong.
posted by arse_hat at 6:38 PM on June 21, 2005


Obligatory link to The Onion editorial "Bullshit, Jesus, Those Are Obviously My Footprints."
posted by billysumday at 6:39 PM on June 21, 2005


Nothing is more American than cashing in on the jeezus craze.
posted by H. Roark at 6:40 PM on June 21, 2005


What's that meme indexing site that tells you how popular a new 'meme' is on the web? 'Cause I just saw this on boing boing. I did remark on the funny sandals to my friend here, but you know...I already SAW this one somewhere else...
posted by prettyboyfloyd at 6:45 PM on June 21, 2005


(sorta non-sequitur)

In the classic period of Greek history, prostitutes -- hetaerae -- in the dusty Hellenic towns of Asia Minor used to promote their services by a similar method, or so I've read. Using small nails arranged in the soles of their sandals to impress messages like 'Follow Me' and 'One Obol a Ride,' etc., they could lure customers without actually having to converse on the street.

I read that a zillion years ago, and reading this thread dredged it out of memory. It's a true miracle.
posted by Haruspex at 6:45 PM on June 21, 2005


Note to self: find synonyms for the verb "to read."
posted by Haruspex at 6:48 PM on June 21, 2005


Almost as ingenious as yellow ribbon car magnets.
posted by Toecutter at 6:56 PM on June 21, 2005


Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
posted by God Almighty at 6:57 PM on June 21, 2005


You know, sadly, 15 years ago we probably would have taken this as a sign that Jesus was, in fact, walking besides us. Nowadays it's a very different thing.

Of course 15 years ago our parents hadn't died (practically speaking) in our arms. What different times those were.
posted by clevershark at 6:59 PM on June 21, 2005


I prefer Kalso Earth Shoes!
posted by ericb at 7:09 PM on June 21, 2005


Colder climes: JeezUggs.™
posted by Haruspex at 7:13 PM on June 21, 2005


I hate that cheesy poem.

Toecutter, do not mock the yellow car ribbons, they improve gas mileage, and have inspiring messages like "support our breasts".

Haruspex, scan, browse, peruse, and view all fail to carry the same meaning, but maybe you can find something else.
posted by BrotherCaine at 7:22 PM on June 21, 2005


I may be going to heck, but.....

If you get your right and left confused, it reads "Loves You, Jesus". Still makes sense!
posted by mmahaffie at 7:23 PM on June 21, 2005


What's that meme indexing site that tells you how popular a new 'meme' is on the web? 'Cause I just saw this on boing boing.

Also on BoingBoing right now - Biblically-themed snacks .

Got that outta the way!
posted by ericb at 7:23 PM on June 21, 2005


Nothing is more American than cashing in on the jeezus craze.

If by "cash in," you mean "give proceeds to charity for diabetics."
posted by Snyder at 7:35 PM on June 21, 2005


What's that meme indexing site that tells you how popular a new 'meme' is on the web?

this ain't a new meme. This has been around for a while...
posted by mdn at 7:35 PM on June 21, 2005


Y'know... Those Jesus flipflops would be kinda fun to wear--in a prankish sort of way--if it weren't for the fact that they cost $20.95?!

I see outsourcing to Thailand doesn't really cut cost. I guess God must take a big cut from it, using his name and all... :p
posted by slf at 7:42 PM on June 21, 2005


prettyboyfloyd

What's that meme indexing site that tells you how popular a new 'meme' is on the web?

ask and ye shall receive
posted by sourbrew at 7:46 PM on June 21, 2005


Don't forget your TestaMints, so you can have the indwelling of the Holy Spirit and the fresh clean breath to prove it to those fucking heathens.

My favorite thing in this vein must be Religious Bubbles -- small bottles of soap-bubble fluid with a bubble wand in the lid. What makes them Christian, or at least Religious? The bottle says, simply and directly, RELIGIOUS BUBBLES. So there you have it: bubbles, that are religious. Can't find a pic though.

(see also Nunzilla)

I wonder how hard it would be to mod the sandals so that they read

right flipflop: CTHULHU
left flipflop: SLUMBERS IN THE DARK UNTIL THE STARS ARE RIGHT THEN HE WILL COME FORTH FROM THE ABYSS AND DEVOUR US ALL.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:48 PM on June 21, 2005


What's next: Fuck-me-shoes?
posted by kika at 8:03 PM on June 21, 2005


ROU_Xenophobe:
plus, a walking stick with "IA!" on the end.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 8:06 PM on June 21, 2005


A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

--Myron Cohen

posted by gimonca at 8:06 PM on June 21, 2005


ROU_Xenophobe, I think I love you. :)
posted by dejah420 at 8:07 PM on June 21, 2005


More from classic MeFi (and tooting of own horn): more religious kitsch.
posted by ChrisTN at 8:10 PM on June 21, 2005


In the locker room, these young Christian men protect their feet and leave the greatest impression!

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
posted by NoMich at 8:17 PM on June 21, 2005


You know, there's a Jewish tradition that on the holiday of Purim, people write the name of Haman (the villain of the story) on their shoes in order to stamp out his memory. Something tells me the folks selling these shoes didn't read that megilla.
posted by greatgefilte at 8:31 PM on June 21, 2005


i wanted a pair until i found out they cost $30!
posted by puke & cry at 8:42 PM on June 21, 2005 [1 favorite]


What? No celebrity endorsements? Come on Jesus, you could get 15%!
posted by snsranch at 8:58 PM on June 21, 2005


Do they come with a warning that states that if you step in dog shit and you will surely go to hell.
posted by milkwood at 8:59 PM on June 21, 2005


I cried because I had no shoes until I saw this shit and decided I was happier barefoot.
posted by leftcoastbob at 9:06 PM on June 21, 2005


Why would jesus want his name on something that flip-flops.
posted by vagus at 9:12 PM on June 21, 2005


In the classic period of Greek history, prostitutes -- hetaerae -- in the dusty Hellenic towns of Asia Minor used to promote their services by a similar method, or so I've read. Using small nails arranged in the soles of their sandals to impress messages like 'Follow Me' and 'One Obol a Ride,' etc., they could lure customers without actually having to converse on the street.

I read that a zillion years ago, and reading this thread dredged it out of memory. It's a true miracle. posted by Haruspex at 6:45 PM PST


You know what else is a miracle? You have no idea how totally useful that is for my thesis chapter on the flaneuse/poetess. Thanks! I am so going to use this, and it's going to be hella clever, and, erm.... *wanders away muttering*
posted by jokeefe at 9:32 PM on June 21, 2005


I'll just wait till Jesus is on sale.
posted by c13 at 9:40 PM on June 21, 2005


ROU_Xenophobe knows how to tell a joke.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 9:42 PM on June 21, 2005


Bah. Let me know once they start selling Air Jesus sneakers.
posted by MrBadExample at 10:20 PM on June 21, 2005


c13, jesus quotes here.

Price does seem to be dropping.
posted by telstar at 10:22 PM on June 21, 2005


Actually, I had one of those Bible Bars, they're really good. =D
posted by amithee at 10:37 PM on June 21, 2005


I don't know what's wrong with you guys, these are awesome.
posted by bigtimes at 11:48 PM on June 21, 2005


I guess God must take a big cut from it, using his name and all... :p

If a diabetes charity is "God's big cut" then by all means he does.

And, just FYI, the site does at least claim that workers are paid a "living wage."
posted by thedevildancedlightly at 11:55 PM on June 21, 2005


jokeefe, sorry my wretched memory doesn't also supply citations, but perhaps this particular reference would only be redundant with a footnote.

Mea culpa, etc.
posted by Haruspex at 12:56 AM on June 22, 2005


> I guess God must take a big cut from it, using his name
> and all...

"There's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, but somehow just can't handle money!"

George Carlin
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:04 AM on June 22, 2005


Jesus is coming!!

(and we'll get him again!)
posted by ackeber at 1:26 AM on June 22, 2005


More toe gems:

Turning the whole idea outside in

Socks to go with those sandals?
posted by LinusMines at 1:49 AM on June 22, 2005


Also on BoingBoing right now - Biblically-themed snacks .

Got that outta the way!


Weird. Several years ago I had an idea like this, but mostly as a joke.

Our flagship item was to be some breakfast cereal called 'Jesus Pieces' with a big smiling Jesus giving a thumbs up on the front.

Followed by 'Pope Rinds', everyones favorite religious-themed fried pork snack.
posted by Espoo2 at 2:22 AM on June 22, 2005


There's a lesson to be drawn from this: Diabetics are no better than pimps.
posted by biffa at 2:26 AM on June 22, 2005


Which of course reminds me of the David Cross bit:
(paraphrasing)
"...and I said, "Jesus...I noticed that at the lowest points in my life that there was only one set of footprints in the sand. What up with that?" And Jesus said, "Well, the reason why there was only one set of footprints was because those were the times I was helping one of the other several billion people in the world, you selfish prick."
posted by deusdiabolus at 2:31 AM on June 22, 2005


If these are made in Thailand, that's weird. In Thailand, using your feet to point at somone is a pretty big insult, and I'd assume that putting Jesus' name on the bottom of your shoes must also be pretty bad. Reminds of another Onion article...
posted by jiawen at 2:56 AM on June 22, 2005


To many Muslims, the soles of the shoes are considered unclean, and it is a great personal insult merely to display the soles of one's shoes to another person. Hence the footage of Iraqis slapping the posters and statues of Saddam with the soles of their shoes after the fall of Baghdad. I don't think you'll see a version of these inscribed with the name of Allah.
posted by wadefranklin at 4:01 AM on June 22, 2005


Wearing a Christian message reinforces goodness and has the potential to save lives and save souls.

Not if one walks on water.

And, just FYI, the site does at least claim that workers are paid a "living wage."

Yeah, in Thailand.
posted by c13 at 4:54 AM on June 22, 2005


kika: Try this link, which I can't open because of our corporate nanny software.
posted by alumshubby at 5:57 AM on June 22, 2005


jokeefe, sorry my wretched memory doesn't also supply citations

That's OK, these days it's perfectly acceptable to reference things thus:

19Some dude on the internet.

Yeah, in Thailand.

Your point being? If it's a living wage in Thailand, and that's where they live, it's a living wage. The fact you couldn't live on it in New York is irrelevant.
posted by languagehat at 6:02 AM on June 22, 2005


After the Columbine school tragedy, legislation was proposed to post the Ten Commandments in public places because Biblical reminders can make the difference between life and death.

In the case of those infamous two boys with the guns, they were singling out and killing some of their more vocally religious fellow high-school students, no? Another argument for keeping your light under a bushel.
posted by alumshubby at 6:25 AM on June 22, 2005


This Jesus guy is bigger than the Beatles!
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 6:25 AM on June 22, 2005


Haruspex, here's a citation you can use:
http://collection.nlc-bnc.ca/100/201/300/journal_hebrew/html/1996-2002/03-22/Articles/article_19.htm

check paragraph 12 and footnote 43.
posted by cosmicbandito at 6:53 AM on June 22, 2005


damn....try the google cache instead.
posted by cosmicbandito at 6:55 AM on June 22, 2005


From cosmicbandito's link:

Sextus Empiricus remarks on prostitutes in Egypt, “women who have had the greatest number of lovers wear an ornamental ankle ring as a token of their exalted profession” (Outlines of Pyrrhonism, III.201; translation from Montserrat, 130.)

He put the sex in Sextus!
Sorry, couldn't resist.
posted by languagehat at 7:14 AM on June 22, 2005


I saw these at least 5 years ago. I'm always surprised how the web recycles things over and over and over again.
posted by agregoli at 7:32 AM on June 22, 2005



posted by papercake at 7:36 AM on June 22, 2005


My favorite version of the "Footprints" story is the one where, after the guy asks Jesus why there is only one set of footprints during the hardest times in his life, Jesus responds, "That's where we were both hopping on one foot!"
posted by UKnowForKids at 8:15 AM on June 22, 2005


"And, just FYI, the site does at least claim that workers are paid a 'living wage.'

c13 :"Yeah, in Thailand."

...What, Thais don't count?

Anyway, all I can think when I see these sandals is some dorky, young Mexican couple (the kind of couple that wears the same t-shirts on the same day because they're so in luvvvvv) buying these so that wherever they walk, Jesus Fernandez declares his love for Gloria Martinez. So cuuuuuute.
posted by Bugbread at 8:19 AM on June 22, 2005


JESUS PWNS U
posted by cortex at 8:38 AM on June 22, 2005


Cosmicbandito, that is freaking awesome. Thanks.
posted by Haruspex at 8:43 AM on June 22, 2005


ROU_Xenophobe: I'm with you. There is always a place for Cthulhu. BTW, who is this Jesus character?
posted by horseblind at 8:54 AM on June 22, 2005


Jesus is coming...look busy.
posted by MotherTucker at 9:17 AM on June 22, 2005


Jesus!

I can't believe you people!

Am I really going to have to be the first to add this to the thread?

HARRY:
Hold up the sandal, as He has commanded us!
ARTHUR:
It is a shoe! It is a shoe!
HARRY:
It's a sandal!
ARTHUR:
No, it isn't!
GIRL:
Cast it away!
ARTHUR:
Put it on!
YOUTH:
And clear off!
posted by soyjoy at 9:40 AM on June 22, 2005


I wish I could give credit to the comedian I heard do yet another another version of the Footprints story, but I can't remember who it was... Anyway, when he asked God why, during the hardest times, there was only one set of footprints, God said, "Those were the times I was riding on your back."
posted by amro at 10:16 AM on June 22, 2005


jokeefe, sorry my wretched memory doesn't also supply citations, but perhaps this particular reference would only be redundant with a footnote.

Mea culpa, etc.

posted by Haruspex at 3:56 AM EST

Haruspex, I also had memories of this which I tracked down to my volumn of History Laid Bare by Richard Zachs. In the chapter entitled "The Ancient World" he refers to a pair of sandals that have survived with the words "Follow Me" on the soles in raised letters.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 10:19 AM on June 22, 2005


When it comes to religious beach-wear, I prefer the thong of Gilgamesh.

And I, the thong of Tholomon.
posted by scratch at 10:49 AM on June 22, 2005


Heehee. Nice, scratch.
posted by Bugbread at 12:19 PM on June 22, 2005


I wept because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.

So I took his shoes. It's not like he was using them.
posted by I EAT TAPES at 4:43 PM on June 22, 2005


"...they were singling out and killing some of their more vocally religious fellow high-school students, no?"

No. And they were not singling out jocks and popular students, either. Eyewitness accounts and the final report of Columbine both show that they targeted people at random, on opportunity and whim. The story about the girl under the table in the library is not true, either.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 5:50 PM on June 22, 2005


She wasn't wearing the right sandals anyway....
posted by c13 at 9:17 PM on June 22, 2005


I suppose this is an appropriate thread in which to unleash something that I have wanted to put on a bumper sticker or T-shirt for, oh, the last 20 years:

Jesus is coming soon -- look out for the wet spot!
posted by bigbigdog at 8:56 PM on June 23, 2005


The discordian version. I always liked it better.
I dreamed that I was walking down the beach with the Goddess. And I looked back and saw footprints in the sand. But sometimes there were two pairs of footprints and sometimes there was only one. And the times there was only one set of footprints, those were my times of greatest trouble. So I asked the Goddess,

"Why in my greatest need did you abandon me?"

She replied, "I never left you. Those were the times we both hopped on one foot."

And I was really embarrassed for bothering Her with such a stupid question.
posted by Hactar at 9:51 PM on June 23, 2005


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