Obituaries of the Future

July 6, 2005 5:51 AM

Obituaries of the FutureAn example: June 5, 2019. Bush – George W. (72), the 43rd president of the United States, was struck down “in action” early yesterday morning from injuries sustained during a failed one-man invasion of Mexico. Write your own!
posted by jdroth (19 comments total)

(Not to be confused with real future obituaries such as those featured previously in this space.)
posted by jdroth at 5:54 AM on July 6, 2005

October 23, 2018. Rove, Karl (68), advisor to President Bush (jr), died of AIDS related complications in Levinworth Federal Penitentiary. Rove is remembered as the first "Co-president" and leaker of CIA Agent Valerie Plame's identity.
posted by modernerd at 6:20 AM on July 6, 2005

August 23, 2023: All over the country today, many thousands of women and men of a certain age were suddenly killed as their injections of Ratox™, a next-generation Botox, exploded due to the extreme heat afflicting the entire country. Apparently, the continued temperatures of 120 degrees and above caused the toxins in the cosmetic treatments to reactivate.
posted by amberglow at 6:29 AM on July 6, 2005

December 22, 2050. Cruise, Tom (88), noted actor and head case, died early this morning from complications due to consuming his own head. He was, according to his publicist, "an absolute fucking nutjob." Services will be held at the Scientology Celebrity Centre International in Los Angeles. Free auditing after ceremony.
posted by ford and the prefects at 6:48 AM on July 6, 2005

July 1, 2055. Natalee Holloway (68), previously thought to be murdered in the island nation of Aruba in 2005, revealed herself in a Brazillian hospital two weeks ago. Holloway died of pneumonia caused by complications resulting from the HIV Virus. She is survived by her husband, eight children, and nineteen grandchildren.
posted by clearlynuts at 7:15 AM on July 6, 2005

Better title for this FPP:
"Openthread: Make an obit to show who you hate"
posted by dios at 7:32 AM on July 6, 2005

dios: January 12, 2007. The stick finally breached the colon wall.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 7:49 AM on July 6, 2005 [1 favorite]

XQUZYPHYR : Best burn ever........
posted by TheFeatheredMullet at 7:59 AM on July 6, 2005

he totally was begging for that one.
posted by amberglow at 8:11 AM on July 6, 2005

July 6, 2005, 5:21 PM PST. 9622 v.2 expired, surprisingly enough, of natural causes. Though some felt it more likely that the thread would have been snuffed prematurely or collapsed under its own weight, it survived its full lifespan naturally and remained quite healthy and active to the end. Now, it belongs to the ages.
posted by yhbc at 8:18 AM on July 6, 2005

Heh.
posted by unreason at 8:19 AM on July 6, 2005

Web 2.0 went to be with the Lord after losing a brave battle with XMLHttpRequest. It is survived by Bill Gates, Dave Winer, Steel Turdman, the Zodiac child molester and several bloggers on recumbent bikes with cameras.
posted by quonsar at 8:27 AM on July 6, 2005

Jan 15, 2063 - Walt Disney, creator of some of the most beloved children's characters of our time, has passed away again at the age of 162. Disney first died in 1966 but was cryogenically reborn last month to great fanfare. Upon leaving the facility where he laid for nearly 100 years, Disney was struck by a hovercraft and died at the scene. He leaves behind, well.... no one really.
posted by gfrobe at 8:32 AM on July 6, 2005

Michael Savu, d. July 10th 2005. Died of embarassment at realizing that he was immortalized on bash.org.
posted by clevershark at 8:59 AM on July 6, 2005

XQUZYPHYR: Flippin' sweet!
posted by modernerd at 10:29 AM on July 6, 2005

The stick finally breached the colon wall.

Dammit, not only is that a flawless sentence, but I laughed so hard my coworkers now believe I am an idiot. And it's not really funny when you say it out loud. Dammit. Argh. Heh.
posted by davejay at 2:51 PM on July 6, 2005

That WAS exceptionally well-written... cheers to XQUZYPHYR!
posted by clevershark at 3:37 PM on July 6, 2005

sounds tagline-classic to me...
MetaFilter: The stick finally breached the colon wall.
posted by wendell at 4:04 PM on July 6, 2005

Ooooo Can I get in on the hatin'?

Jan 21, 2015: Paris Hilton, famous writer/actress/socialite/model/designer/porno star died suddenly when her body inexplicably and violently rejected all her implants/transplants/fake body parts. She is survived by her dog, Tinkerbell, and her two adopted children, Paris Too and Paris Lite.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 9:24 AM on July 7, 2005