Worst toy ever.
July 9, 2005 8:00 PM   Subscribe

"The Human Torch has no need for an 'All-Terrain Vehicle'- because the last time I checked, the Human Torch can f-ck-ng FLY." Why the Fantastic 4 Human Torch ATV (with Light-Up Headlights!) is the Worst Movie Tie-In Toy Ever.
posted by XQUZYPHYR (56 comments total)
 
Um, in the movie Johnny Storm is a guy who races ATVs.
posted by thecjm at 8:04 PM on July 9, 2005


As you know, the Fantastic 4 lives and works in New York City--where driving an ATV is ILLEGAL. According to section 4-14, subsection 1 of the NYC municipal traffic code: "In order to provide for the maximum safe use of the expressways, drives, highways, interstate routes, bridges, and thruways, and to preserve life and limb thereon, the use of such highways by pedestrians, riders of horses, and operators of limited use vehicles [ATVs] and bicycles is prohibited." (Yes, I actually looked this up.)

Hmm.. Does he actualy think riding a bicycle in NYC is illegal? The statute says ATVs and bicycles. Perhaps he should learn the diffrence between a "highway" and a "road".
posted by delmoi at 8:07 PM on July 9, 2005


ATVs are exclusively for assholes and rednecks. I know, this has nothing to do with the Human Torch riding an ATV, but this guy who lives down the block from me is constantly ripping around our neighborhood on one of these stupid four-wheelers--and without a helmet, no less! So basically, this is just to let him know, I think he's an asshole and a redneck.

I'm gonna shit in this guy's yard.
posted by greasy_skillet at 8:07 PM on July 9, 2005


The Human Torch was denied a bank loan, and this post sucks.
posted by jimmy at 8:15 PM on July 9, 2005


It is funny, though, that the ATV has Spidey hubcaps. Oops, did they make too many Spiderman ATVs last summer?
posted by MotorNeuron at 8:38 PM on July 9, 2005


hay guyz, i have a blog column, my opinion's important!!1!!1!1
posted by keswick at 8:38 PM on July 9, 2005


There are bad things all over the place
posted by doogyrev at 8:39 PM on July 9, 2005


hay guyz, i have a blog column, my opinion's important!!1!!1!1


Well, important enough to get discussed on MeFi, eh?
posted by Ayn Marx at 8:42 PM on July 9, 2005


I thought it was funny, you whiny bunch of babies. I'm gonna shit in yer yard and light it on fire. And then put it on an ATV. How you likes them apples?
posted by fungible at 9:03 PM on July 9, 2005


I saw a Flash doll that came with a motorcycle. That has to be dumber.
posted by thirteen at 9:06 PM on July 9, 2005


What's next, an SUV for Superman?
posted by clevershark at 9:35 PM on July 9, 2005


What's next, an SUV for Superman?

Is it wheelchair-accesible?

I'm so very, very sorry
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 9:48 PM on July 9, 2005


It's just marketing.

They were never able to sell Wonder Woman's invisible jet either.
Evil Kenevil had an awesome RV, as did Shazam!
posted by Balisong at 9:51 PM on July 9, 2005


Is it wheelchair-accesible?

No, but it's roomy enough to accomodate his expansive yet downy angel wings.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 10:04 PM on July 9, 2005


Um, yeah.

So when did the Stranger move to Portland?
posted by photoslob at 10:38 PM on July 9, 2005


It's ironic that this post uses the words "worst" and "ever" in its title.
posted by signal at 10:39 PM on July 9, 2005


Off topic, but linked off that page: I'm a bit weirded out by someone whose byline reads Tucker Teutsch 3.0.
posted by chrominance at 10:48 PM on July 9, 2005


I've long suspected that the Portland Mecury might just be the best newspaper in the entire world.
posted by Staggering Jack at 11:12 PM on July 9, 2005


er...make that the Mercury. Jeez.
posted by Staggering Jack at 11:14 PM on July 9, 2005


"Hey toymakers, if saving money by recycling an unsuccessful Spider-Man ATV is all you're interested in, why not just line up the children of the world and piss in their mouths?"

If there was a dollar in it, they would have been there by now.
posted by pracowity at 11:44 PM on July 9, 2005


"Has anyone told the Human Torch that it might not be safe to sit on top of a gas tank when one is on FIRE? Nice message to send the kids, assholes!"

Good point! Remember kids: it is unwise to attempt to use a motor vehicle when you are on fire.
posted by nthdegx at 3:13 AM on July 10, 2005


It's all down hill after Secret Wars.
posted by bardic at 3:19 AM on July 10, 2005


signal writes "It's ironic that this post uses the words 'worst' and 'ever' in its title."

OFFS! That. Is. Not. Irony!

Uneless, you're trying to claim that the post author thinks the ATV is the best movie tie-in ever and is writing the opposite of what he intends to convey to emply irony, then please - stop getting your word definites from Alanis Morrisette! It's as annoying as "begs the question" and a hundred times more common.
posted by benzo8 at 4:34 AM on July 10, 2005


Pretty damn lame.
posted by Samizdata at 5:40 AM on July 10, 2005


The above link to the actual product would have been nice with the original post. It adds some punch with the fact that Johnny is actually aflame while riding the ATV. The "rant" alone is not very funny. Weak post.
posted by boymilo at 6:22 AM on July 10, 2005


it is unwise to attempt to use a motor vehicle when you are on fire.

However, when you're driving down the street on fire, people will get out of your way.
posted by jonmc at 7:09 AM on July 10, 2005


As per Richard Pryor?

(Finally! Some positive feedback on one of my comments! I AM INVINCIBLE!)
posted by Samizdata at 8:25 AM on July 10, 2005


Um, in the movie Johnny Storm is a guy who races ATVs.

You saw the movie?
posted by drezdn at 10:04 AM on July 10, 2005


benzos: irony can be unintentional. What’s a “word definite”?
posted by signal at 10:04 AM on July 10, 2005


signal writes "benzos: irony can be unintentional."

Irony can indeed be unintentional. Please though, tell me where the irony, unintentional or otherwise, is in the fact that the title contains the words "Worst" and "Ever"?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that you were gunning for some joke pertaining to "Worst. FPP. Ever." but you misunderstand what irony is. Irony is not "coincidence". It's not "aptness". It is not ironic that the post's title contains two words to describe its contents that are the same words you'd use to describe the post - it's just convenient. "10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife is not ironic", it's unfortunate. "Meeting the man of your dreams, then meeting his beautiful wife" isn't ironic - it's depressing (depending on your sexual proclivities).

Irony is the use of words to convey the opposite meaning to their apparent meaning. So, if you actually believed this to be the best FPP ever, you could say: "Worst. FPP. Ever." in an ironic tone to convey you actually mean the opposite. (It's worth remembering, of course, that it's not very easy to accurately articulate an ironic tone in ASCII.)

What’s a “word definite”?"

It's a typo.
posted by benzo8 at 11:15 AM on July 10, 2005


Jar-Jar binks candy tongue w/ plastic Jar-Jar head. Worst. Toy. Ever.
posted by BrotherCaine at 11:32 AM on July 10, 2005


Worst Kids CD Title Ever.
posted by jonmc at 11:36 AM on July 10, 2005


benzo8: I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest you stop obsessing over A. Morrisette, and stop getting your word definites from “Reality Bites”.
posted by signal at 3:05 PM on July 10, 2005


Benzo8: "10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife" is not ironic. But oddly enough, calling it ironic when it isn't, is. Thus Ms Morrisette invokes Goedel FTW (and other, equally annoying cliches utilising varying levels of correct definiteness)
posted by Sparx at 3:26 PM on July 10, 2005


*coughmarketingploycough*
'scuse me.
posted by Smedleyman at 4:31 PM on July 10, 2005


*coughmarketingploycough*
'scuse me.

Hey, people with no creative skills or talent or any real worth beyond the shill, y'know, have to make money too.
posted by Smedleyman at 4:32 PM on July 10, 2005


signal writes "
benzo8: I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest you stop obsessing over A. Morrisette, and stop getting your word definites from “Reality Bites”."


That was a well-rounded, original and, above all, honest response. Well done...
posted by benzo8 at 4:35 PM on July 10, 2005


*coughrippingoffjackkirbycough*

Man, bad cold here.
posted by Smedleyman at 4:35 PM on July 10, 2005


As long as this thread is hijacked, benzo8, I hate to point it out, but the definition of words evolves. (See also: homophobia.) Though I found Alanis' insistence annoying, the reality is that some large percentage of people who use the word "ironic" accept a definition which encompasses the use in this thread. Lingustic prescriptivim's success rate, given enough time, always approaches zero.
posted by anildash at 5:18 PM on July 10, 2005


Though I found Alanis' insistence annoying, the reality is that some large percentage of people who use the word "ironic" accept a definition which encompasses the use in this thread.

Irony (in the definition that has been embraced by our demographic: flip. dimissive) is toxic.
posted by jonmc at 5:55 PM on July 10, 2005


Hey, the movie's not that bad. Most of it is pretty funny, it's worth seeing as a matinee, and great to take the kids to even tho it's PG-13 (because someone says "goddammit," how lame).

Disclaimer: I work at the company which developed the accompanying tie-in video game. The game is better than the movie, IMO. We put in DoomBots. And the Mole Man.

And yeah, in the movie, Johnny is an Xtreme Sports Guy who does actually appear riding an ATV. Just not while he's on fire. So, while it's definitely a clumsy repackaging of the Spidey ATV (which I'd point out that Spidey never rides one and is also a New Yorker), it's actually more accurate. Clumsily.
posted by zoogleplex at 8:50 PM on July 10, 2005


my personal favorite movie-tie in snark fest
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 10:18 PM on July 10, 2005


anildash writes "As long as this thread is hijacked, benzo8, I hate to point it out, but the definition of words evolves. (See also: homophobia.) Though I found Alanis' insistence annoying, the reality is that some large percentage of people who use the word "ironic" accept a definition which encompasses the use in this thread. Lingustic prescriptivim's success rate, given enough time, always approaches zero."

Yup - definitions evolve, but I will continue to fight this particular mutation much as the people continue to fight the losing batle against the modern (and popularly accepted) definition of "begs the question". "Morrissette Irony" (and I apologise if I appear obssessed with the woman - I'm not, but her song is the most commonly recognised cultural reference of the "new" definition and is thus an easy short-hand) is a complete volte-face from the correct meaning. If we let this one slip we'll start having to accept that "bad" means "good", "wicked" means "good" and "safe" means, erm, "good"...

(To derail my own derail - maybe "irony" is an autoantonym - a word which means on this and it's polar opposite at the same time...)
posted by benzo8 at 11:15 PM on July 10, 2005


Grr - so desperate was I to remove the <hr> tag which Metafilthy added to my message (as it also did above - is that a bug, if you quote the message it's lined as the latest read, it doesn't recognise its own horizontal rule?) I completely loused up the last line. It should, of course, read:

(To derail my own derail - maybe "irony" is an autoantonym - a word which means one thing and its polar opposite at the same time...)
posted by benzo8 at 11:21 PM on July 10, 2005


benzo8: sorry I can’t illustrate it with a pop-song, but even the “classic” definition of “irony” is quite broader than the simple one you give above.
One must be very careful when getting one’s pedant on, my friend.
posted by signal at 6:42 AM on July 11, 2005


it is unwise to attempt to use a motor vehicle when you are on fire.

Unless you're Ghost Rider, in which case it makes you badass.
posted by mkultra at 6:43 AM on July 11, 2005


Well, let's look at some cites then:

The Cambridge American English Dictionary:

Irony
noun [C/U]
a type of usually humorous expression in which you say the opposite of what you intend Compare sarcasm.
He had a powerful sense of irony, and you could never be absolutely sure when he was serious.
Irony is also something that has a different or opposite result from what is expected: It is one of the ironies of life that by the time you have earned enough money for the things you always wanted, you no longer have the energy to enjoy them.


That's the only definition it gives. Let's look elsewhere - dictionary.com for instance:

i·ro·ny
n. pl. i·ro·nies
1.
1.1. The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning.
1.2. An expression or utterance marked by a deliberate contrast between apparent and intended meaning.
1.3. A literary style employing such contrasts for humorous or rhetorical effect. See Synonyms at wit1.
2.
2.1. Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs: “Hyde noted the irony of Ireland's copying the nation she most hated” (Richard Kain).
2.2. An occurrence, result, or circumstance notable for such incongruity. See Usage Note at ironic.
3. Dramatic irony.
4. Socratic irony.
[French ironie, from Old French, from Latin rna, from Greek eirneia, feigned ignorance, from eirn, dissembler, probably from eirein, to say. See wer-5 in Indo-European Roots.]

Now, definition 1. is what I'm referring to. So your claiming that one of the other definitions covers your use of "ironic" above? Which one, exactly?
Definition 2? Where's the incongruity between the title using the worlds "Worst" and "Ever" and your (not yet made) assertion that the post was the "Worst. x. Ever."? You're still looking at coincidence or convenience there, which is the exact opposite of an incongruity.
Definition 3? Dramatic Irony: "Dramatic irony is a relationship of contrast between a character's limited understanding of his or her situation in some particular moment of the unfolding action and what the audience, at the same instant, understands the character's situation actually to be. " Don't think so...
Definition 4 then? Socratic Irony: "Feigning ignorance in order to expose the weakness of others" Still doesn't seem to fit the bill (although that might be what you think you're doing now - is it working out for you?)

What about wikipedia? Well, the wiki even discusses the controversy surround the usage of "irony", but even then, neither the Descriptivist nor the Prescriptivist sides of the debate support your usage above. The Descriptivists, who claim that there doesn't need to be an intentional negation of meaning still accept there needs to be some form of incongruity.

So I ask again - where is the incongruity?

Your statement: "It's ironic that this post uses the words "worst" and "ever" in its title" could have been intended to be followed with "because the post is neither of those things." That would have been ironic, even in the lax sense of meaning. Is that what you meant? I realise that this entire argument is based on my assuming your opinion of the thread - I accept I may be wrong. Is this actually the Best. Post. Ever?

And please, leave you patronisation at home (my friend) at least until you have actually made your case.
posted by benzo8 at 7:24 AM on July 11, 2005


Actually, “my friend” was ironic.
posted by signal at 7:35 AM on July 11, 2005


Is that an admission that you finally understand?
posted by benzo8 at 8:37 AM on July 11, 2005


The whole be-careful-while-being-a-pedant, that part was patronizing.
And yes, I finally understand: I understand that what you lack in insight, erudition or subtlety you more than make up for in awesome copy-and-paste skillz.
Kudos!
posted by signal at 9:42 AM on July 11, 2005


Shall we start to discuss ad hominem now? I would ask where you felt my insight and erudition had failed, but I've learned already that you have a habit of dodging the question - you know, if you learned to admit when you'd made a mistake (rather than just insulting those who point them out) you might be happier...
posted by benzo8 at 10:08 AM on July 11, 2005


Pting foowy.
posted by Saddo at 12:30 PM on July 11, 2005


Um, yeah.

So when did the Stranger move to Portland?


Wow, you're a bright one. The same people make the papers. They often have the same picture as their covers and Wm.. Steven Humphries (The writer of the Stranger's "I <3 Television") is the Editor of the Mercury.

I know it's easier to be snarky than informed, but give me a fucking break.
posted by piratebowling at 6:14 PM on July 11, 2005


Define irony: a bunch of idiots dancing around on a plane to a song made famous by a band that died in a plane crash.

Garland 'The Marietta Mangler' Greene
posted by icontemplate at 9:56 AM on July 12, 2005


benzo8, signal- would you just fuck and get it over with?
posted by mkultra at 1:40 PM on July 12, 2005


mkultra writes "
benzo8, signal- would you just fuck and get it over with?"


Said, a good 27 hours after either of us has made a comment, long after the thread has left front page... Pots, kettles and the colour black.
posted by benzo8 at 4:41 AM on July 13, 2005


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