It's INCREDIBLE!

July 22, 2005 11:43 AM

Picking up girls can be as easy as opening a beer! The pick up system no girl can resist, apparently.
posted by punilux (48 comments total)

Good grief! I was shocked when the narrator suddently mentioned in his schpiel "Texas-sized titties". And the women are portrayed as docile fluff heads with "big knockers" and short attention spans.
posted by Specklet at 11:52 AM on July 22, 2005

You know, I lived in Hyde Park for a year and a half and I don't think anyone has ever managed to pick up a girl there. U of C students are antisocial like you wouldn't belive.
posted by nebulawindphone at 11:56 AM on July 22, 2005

I thought opening beers was the key to picking up women.

I was shocked when the narrator suddently mentioned in his schpiel "Texas-sized titties".

No offense, specklet, but we're all grownups here, you do realize that when a man is trying to pick up a woman (or a man for that matter), he is more than likely thinking impure thoughts.
posted by jonmc at 11:59 AM on July 22, 2005

Walking the Dog: discover how man's best friend can help you turn on beautiful women.
In light of recent MeFi posts, this causes some little apprehension.
posted by Wolfdog at 12:01 PM on July 22, 2005

Don't listen to jonmc, specklet. Whenever I'm attracted to a woman I'm thinking about her personality and what I might do to get her interest. However, I should perhaps stress that I've never successfully picked up a woman in my entire life. Except in the literal sense.
posted by Decani at 12:02 PM on July 22, 2005

Wow, this is quite possibly the most lecherously underhanded misogynistic thing I've ever heard. I'm swinging back and forth between being utterly shocked and completely entertained.

[this is so bad good]
posted by sciurus at 12:04 PM on July 22, 2005

Who the hell in Texas talks like that? That's gotta be some northerner trying to put on a southern accent based on the accent they've heard in movies, which are actually other northerners trying to put on a southern accent.
posted by Bugbread at 12:04 PM on July 22, 2005

Don't listen to jonmc, specklet. Whenever I'm attracted to a woman I'm thinking about her personality and what I might do to get her interest.

Right. And Liberace died of emphysema.
posted by jonmc at 12:08 PM on July 22, 2005

This is excellent source material for samples. :P Just the kind of thing Kid Koala would use, surely. The narrator's old-school voice is pretty cool to hear, too, especially to me as a non-USian, and especially given some of the content - compare to a school-use educational tape. :P
posted by Drexen at 12:08 PM on July 22, 2005

Lift with your legs, not your back. Always stretch before and after heavy lifting. If it looks too heavy to pick up, get a spotter.
posted by buzzman at 12:10 PM on July 22, 2005

Or a coupon.
posted by alumshubby at 12:13 PM on July 22, 2005

Always stretch before and after heavy lifting.

But whatever you do, don't tell her she's "heavy lifting".
posted by -harlequin- at 12:14 PM on July 22, 2005

no offense, specklet, but we're all grownups here

Oh, no no, I know, it's just that I thought it would be a rather formal how-to instruction thingy, not so... raunchy. There was even an implied pun with "pussy-footing".

Wow, this is quite possibly the most lecherously underhanded misogynistic thing I've ever heard. I'm swinging back and forth between being utterly shocked and completely entertained.

Ditto. Apparently, lying is the number one ingredient for picking up women. But I'm still listening. Just made me laugh aloud. "You look like the dancer, Joanna Webber. You've got the same grace, and blond hair."

Jack Handey does pick-up lines.

This is excellent source material for samples.

Totally.
posted by Specklet at 12:20 PM on July 22, 2005

I'll bet sixty percent of the time, this works every time.
posted by Dr. Zira at 12:24 PM on July 22, 2005

So, when am I supposed to start feeling turned on?
posted by kyrademon at 12:27 PM on July 22, 2005

What, you want us to count down for you?
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:30 PM on July 22, 2005

This freakin' rules. This is so being played on this weekend's radio show!

Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!
posted by Fezboy! at 12:31 PM on July 22, 2005

Automatically I will be transformed into an expert picker upper and seducer?
Man, I'd love to telll when a girl just wants to make it just by the sound of here voice! Underlines, boldface and exclaimations totally sell me!
posted by Smedleyman at 12:32 PM on July 22, 2005

kyrademon, when you're told to start feeling turned on. Did you not listen to the whole mp3?

I like the part where he says women really like it when men call their breasts "Fun sacks".
posted by fenriq at 12:34 PM on July 22, 2005

I love the way the record says you'll "pick up girls automatically!" -- Eventually you won't even have any control over it; you'll get home with a couple more chicks and think, "damn, I did it again!"
posted by JanetLand at 12:35 PM on July 22, 2005

There's a couple of singular mp3s if you don't want the entire LP as one mp3 -- 365 Days hosted (scroll to the bottom -- last entry on this page) "The Clothing Store Pick-Up" (which I found really, um, rather creepy, and "The Museum Pickup" appears on WFMU's The Happy Listener's Guide To Mind Control, which I don't think was quite as creepy as some dude being all "Hey my sister is the same size as you why don't you put this on, oh wow, it looks really sexy on you let's go get dinner and hey, you can have that, I'll give my sister a different sexy outfit, because apparently that's what you give your sister."

(Also, on the creepy side, but not so much on the Picking Up Girls side, I just have to share this -- If you liked Lil Markie, you might dig "The Big 'A'=The Big 'M'" by Gary S. Paxton (of the Argyles!) -- I think regardless of where you come down politically, I think people of all stripes can come together and agree that this is really really creepy and that Negativland needs to get a copy of this 45 if they don't have it already. [via The Record Robot])
posted by Rev. Syung Myung Me at 12:37 PM on July 22, 2005

*scribbles notes furiously while listening*

Two thoughts:

First it was the 70's, thank god I was stuck in the world's outer region where disco and hustling was Hollywood material.

Second, the posting of the MP3 file is clearly a copyright violation. It would tickle me to no end to have this violation make to the courts so I "Picking up girls made easy" would be in the papers, on court documents and (too much to ask for) at the Supreme Court. "Your honors, I am here arguing for "Picking up girls made easy."

Then when the Supreme Court made it's decision, the newspaper headlines would read:
Supreme Court in favor of "Picking Up Girls Made Easy."
posted by fluffycreature at 12:45 PM on July 22, 2005

How am I going to feed all these women?
posted by buzzman at 12:46 PM on July 22, 2005

this is some totally next-level ish... i GOTTA get better at lying to women!
posted by cusack at 12:46 PM on July 22, 2005

"If you haven't got a dog, try an antique car! If you can't afford that, try an antique bicycle! And if that's too fancy, try antique rollerskates!"
posted by Specklet at 12:58 PM on July 22, 2005

Sweet. I've been waiting to find another Tome of Leadership and Influence for like three levels.
posted by voltairemodern at 1:02 PM on July 22, 2005

"The chick he's picked out, who's obviously wearing nothing but skin under her pink angora sweater..."

And maybe a scabie mite or two...
posted by MaxVonCretin at 1:03 PM on July 22, 2005

Dr Tongue: "I'm a hustler! A hustler!!"

Bruno: "Well, I get around pretty well myself, but I don't go *bragging* about it."

- SCTV's Dr Tongue's Evil House of Wax
posted by Zack_Replica at 1:10 PM on July 22, 2005

Dang, girls were cute back then too!
This is not a recent development?
posted by spock at 1:22 PM on July 22, 2005

Geeez, would you look at the price tag on that album cover!?!
But worth every nickel, I'm sure.
posted by spock at 1:24 PM on July 22, 2005

How am I going to feed all these women?

Blend them a big batch of Roofie Coladas.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 1:27 PM on July 22, 2005

"Museums are jammed full of chicks standing around looking at art."
posted by carter at 2:04 PM on July 22, 2005

Packing themselves into phone booths wasn't enough?
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:07 PM on July 22, 2005

Lying.... That explains my problem, er life, uh, lifetime of problems.
posted by warbaby at 2:10 PM on July 22, 2005

I would venture to say that any guy who couldn't get laid in the '70s was too busy listening to records like this.
(And that ballet bit? Classic!)
posted by Floydd at 2:11 PM on July 22, 2005

Right. And Liberace died of emphysema.

There's no real comeback to this sort of thing. Some people just refuse to believe that everyone else doesn't think and behave like they do, I guess. Oh well. Maybe it's down to a lack of self-confidence or something.
posted by Decani at 2:42 PM on July 22, 2005

Hmm. I can't access the link - site blocked! But this reminds me of a guy I saw on the Daily Show way back when Beth Littleford was still there. He wrote a book about picking up women, and one of his "power tips" was to arrange his hands casually at his pockets and point at his crotch. It was hilarious. Beth Littleford ripped him a new one.
posted by peep at 3:23 PM on July 22, 2005

Decani: from the delivery in your original comment it seemed that you were being facetious.
posted by grouse at 3:27 PM on July 22, 2005

why do the victims girls all sound geriatric?

"the way a womans earlobes are shaped" He really said that. Great stuff here.
posted by vaportrail at 4:01 PM on July 22, 2005

why do the victims girls all sound geriatric?

Because all the women are played by the actors' mom, who happens to be the only female who will talk to them.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 5:19 PM on July 22, 2005

Is it just me or does the first woman sound like a tranny?
posted by dobbs at 5:47 PM on July 22, 2005

Peep, I believe that was Ross Jeffries on the Daily Show.

Mr. Jeffries stands by his work. After all, his guarantee is: "You Don't Get LAID, I Don't Get Paid"
posted by ph00dz at 6:53 PM on July 22, 2005

Decani: from the delivery in your original comment it seemed that you were being facetious.

Wryly self-deprecating, actually. But honest, I assure you.
posted by Decani at 7:43 PM on July 22, 2005

The demonstration guy (I'm assuming it's the same person each time) sounds a lot like John Cale.
posted by invitapriore at 9:53 PM on July 22, 2005

As someone who was smack-dab in the middle of the target demographic when that LP came out I can attest to the mystique it had among teenage boys. Of course none of us actually owned it or even knew someone who did, but we believed in it still.

We, um, got better.
posted by tommasz at 6:27 AM on July 23, 2005

Watersports?
posted by cytherea at 9:06 AM on July 23, 2005

WHOOPS, Mike's forgotten Rule Number One.
posted by hugsnkisses at 11:29 AM on July 23, 2005

Well that wins for most unexpected adaptation of Buridan's ass...
posted by Zurishaddai at 12:49 PM on July 23, 2005