Radical Hardliner Cleric Speaks Out

August 24, 2005 1:22 PM

Mullah Wildmon issues FATWA against long gone internet magazine. Donald Wildmon, leader of victorious conservative cultural elitist group AFA, speaks out against the dangers of using the word "suck" in current advertising by the Dish Network to describe their competitor, cable TV. After you've used their complaint mill, please be sure to stop by the store on your way out.
posted by rzklkng (53 comments total)

I thought the commercial rocked. Childish? Yes. Dangerous? Only if you are a total dork.
posted by y6y6y6 at 1:28 PM on August 24, 2005

Your favorite decency campaign sucks.
posted by joe lisboa at 1:35 PM on August 24, 2005

But cable TV does suck.

In a former job I got a letter and a tape from Mr. Wildmon admonishing my company for advertising on a show that featured pornography and indecent acts.

The letter went on to describe in detail the acts found offensive. They included a tape and I just had to watch it to find the pornography and men urinating in full view. Yes, it was a show with crude jokes and whatnot, but it wasn't porn and there was no men urinating in full view [there was a skit with two guys at a urinal but there was no peeing]. It seemed at the time the writer took great joy in counting "sucks", "damns" and obscenities.

The show was The Man Show on Comedy Central. We stopped advertising during that show because we were buying DRTV spots and the rates went up.
posted by birdherder at 1:35 PM on August 24, 2005

I can think of at least four or five more dangerous things than the word "suck":

- garter snakes.
- childproof caps.
- diet soda sweetened with Aspartame.
- ham sandwiches.

And that's just off the top of my head. Can anybody help me with a longer list?
posted by wakko at 1:36 PM on August 24, 2005

The "sucks" should be removed. "Blows" is much more descriptive.
posted by ToasT at 1:38 PM on August 24, 2005

"diet soda sweetened with Aspartame"

Delicious. One nutcase makes fun of another nutcase. Hilarity ensues.
posted by y6y6y6 at 1:42 PM on August 24, 2005

Don't get y6 started.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 1:44 PM on August 24, 2005

I thought the commercials were excellent.

wakko, those chips made with Olestra, everyone loves anal leakage, right?
posted by fenriq at 1:49 PM on August 24, 2005

I can think of at least four or five more dangerous things than the word "suck":

-uh, Mullah Wildmon tops the list.
posted by Jazznoisehere at 1:52 PM on August 24, 2005

what the suck, I mean fuck?
posted by chibikeandy at 1:53 PM on August 24, 2005

This guy ain't gonna like something in AskMe right now...
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 1:54 PM on August 24, 2005

What's next? AFA Speaks Out Against "Family Circus": Comic "Too Edgy" For Kids?
posted by Captain_Tenille at 1:55 PM on August 24, 2005

It's a really good week for fatwas, no?
posted by koeselitz at 1:55 PM on August 24, 2005

heh. i used their email for to send this letter

Dear Chairman Ergen,

As a lover of the First Ammendment, I feel your company's ad campaign using the phrase "sucks" is well within the limits of decency.

We desperately try to teach our children to respect free speech, even at the expense of promoting crude and inappropriate language.

Some organizations, such as the AFA, should focus more on their own responsibilities as parents, rather than expecting corporate media to do their parenting for them.

I look forward to hearing from you on this matter.

heh. heh heh.
posted by slogger at 2:05 PM on August 24, 2005

By their products they list "suggested donation" instead of a price. Does that mean we can get their products all for free? They would make great gag gifts.
posted by Citizen Premier at 2:05 PM on August 24, 2005

But if you consume enough Diet Coke, you can declare a skinnywa.

y6³, weren't all four items on wakko's list noticably NOT dangerous?
- garter snakes.
- childproof caps.
- diet soda sweetened with Aspartame.
- ham sandwiches.

It's getting awful hard to get away with sarcasm 'round these parts...
posted by wendell at 2:05 PM on August 24, 2005

In case you're new to the Wildmon saga, it turns out that as long ago as "Three's Company" (and the Jiggle Era) he was targeting the TV comedy with a boycott for depicting a single guy living with two women and pretending to be gay.
posted by johngoren at 2:06 PM on August 24, 2005

What's wrong with "sucks." It's just short for "sucks eggs," right?
posted by mrgrimm at 2:06 PM on August 24, 2005

That should have been this
posted by johngoren at 2:06 PM on August 24, 2005

(ululations)
posted by boo_radley at 2:09 PM on August 24, 2005

As in "sucks donkey eggs"?
posted by Artw at 2:13 PM on August 24, 2005

"y63, weren't all four items on wakko's list noticably NOT dangerous?"

It appears I am in fact a moron. I apologize for this and thank you all for your continued willingness to tolerate my repeated stupidity. Again, I'm sorry, and I'll try to do better, but I think we all know how well that will turn out.
posted by y6y6y6 at 2:13 PM on August 24, 2005

*PHEW*

for a heart-rending second, i thought that the fatwa had been issued against suck.com ...
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:54 PM on August 24, 2005

What's wrong with "sucks." It's just short for "sucks eggs," right?

I always assumed that 'sucks' was short for 'sucks a big load of jism from an fat, erect horse cock'. What friendly neighborhood fundamentalist, pro-family Christian would find fault with a whimsical phrase like that?
posted by theorique at 2:57 PM on August 24, 2005

Kenny Eatabaggadonuts just complained to the Dish Network that they were using words that his child could see on the AFA boycott website.
posted by klangklangston at 2:59 PM on August 24, 2005

I think those commercials are mildly entertaining myself, but the one with the shot of the cat getting dragged sideways across the carpet by the strength of the TV's suckage is just hilarious.

Rev. Wildmon, just in case you're reading this, I quote the Prophet Cronauer: You are in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history.
posted by quantumetric at 3:13 PM on August 24, 2005

Very good advertising. But i'm still not buying a television.
posted by ParisParamus at 3:13 PM on August 24, 2005

Yes, you will.
posted by jaronson at 3:22 PM on August 24, 2005

Hippie.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 3:22 PM on August 24, 2005

I tried to use the complaint mill to send a letter with the phrase "Any emails you recieve with the following text have been sent by easily-led morons and may safely be ignored" added to the beginning of their suggested text, but then they wanted me to register for the site and I decided it wasn't worth the effort.
posted by TedW at 3:25 PM on August 24, 2005

TedW, I reg'd, and used their letter-sender to support the Dish network, and ICANN's work on the .XXX domain =p

It's not like they enforced any checking on the registration, not that I didn't give them a valid email addy to send their garbage to, so I can know when I can use their resources, to oppose their agenda again.
posted by nomisxid at 3:34 PM on August 24, 2005

Wow they really hate Desperate Housewives.....
posted by Emperor Yamamoto's Eggs at 3:34 PM on August 24, 2005

Wildmon's group also counts the word "stud" as profanity when used on television. (Not kidding)

I think those ads are kinda hilarious, BTW.
posted by BoringPostcards at 4:34 PM on August 24, 2005

You'd think with a last name like Wildmon, he'd be, you know, cooler and less of an uptight tool.
posted by fenriq at 4:52 PM on August 24, 2005

I couldn't resist using their complaint form, which reads as follows:

Dear Chairman Ergen,

As a parent, I feel your company's ad campaign using the phrase "sucks" has not been thought through very well.

We desperately try to teach our children to refrain from using the type of crude and inappropriate language your ads actually promote and encourage.

Please consider how your ads are serving to undermine me as a parent and encourages imitative behavior that most parents do not find acceptable.

I look forward to hearing from you on this matter.

Changing it slightly, and sending out the following:

Dear Chairman Ergen,

As a proud American, and an ardent supporter of free speech, I feel your company's ad campaign using the phrase "sucks" is perfectly acceptable, humorous, and entirely apt.

I desperately try to teach everyone I know, from adults to children, to think for themselves. To listen to and evaluate all forms of expression they encounter without prejudice, bringing to bear both critical thought and an open mind. And, if they disagree with a given idea, to speak out about why they disagree, rather than demanding that the offending idea be eliminated from the discourse.

Please consider this wonderful gift - the inalienable right of every American to read, say and think what they want - when choosing how to respond to the parents who are currently undermining that gift with their shrill and misguided attempts at censorship. Frankly, I think that they, like TV, suck.

I look forward to hearing nothing more about this matter.

posted by sfslim at 6:29 PM on August 24, 2005

On preview (or rather, after posting) Slogger beat me to it, and used fewer words to say more.

Er... nicely done!
posted by sfslim at 6:31 PM on August 24, 2005

Wildmon sucks. 'nuff said.
posted by clevershark at 6:38 PM on August 24, 2005

mullah....nice...
posted by damnitkage at 6:39 PM on August 24, 2005

Damnit, I guess I wasn't the first to think of editing the form letter:

One million moms might be wrong.

As a non-parent, I feel your company's ad campaign using the phrase "sucks" is funny, but only marginally funny.

We desperately try to eat our children with refried beans while using the type of crude and inappropriate language your ads actually promote and encourage, but much, much worse.

Please consider how your ads are serving to undermine me as a non-parent and discourages imitative behavior that most non-parents do not find acceptable. Words are just words, and children who swear like drunken sailors are funny.

I look forward to hearing from you on this matter and eating your brains straight out of your open skull with a rusty ice cream scoop, served with a delicious chianti.

posted by loquacious at 6:45 PM on August 24, 2005

Loquacious wins the dada prize, as well as the "I wish I'd have thunk it" pennant!

The trophy, a rotting mackerel head festooned with flaming toboggans and accompanied by six dozen weeping sikh women, has already been delivered to your IP address. Do not open it, look at it, or otherwise attempt to interact with it, as the contents are under great pressure, and insouciance may result.
posted by sfslim at 6:52 PM on August 24, 2005

Damn, I just copied Slogger's email, made a couple changes, and used the subject line AFA Sucks. Worked like a charm. (Sigh) I get such a childish joy from these things.
posted by Ber at 6:55 PM on August 24, 2005

Metafilter: insouciance may result.
posted by clevershark at 6:59 PM on August 24, 2005

God, no wonder why my internet connection suddenly started sucking so badly.

*flushes cache*
posted by loquacious at 7:07 PM on August 24, 2005

In honor of Grand Ayatollah Wildmon I would like to suggest that "Comment sucks" be added to the list of flags!
posted by clevershark at 7:20 PM on August 24, 2005

"Suck" is a lot more than putting the fella in fellatio.

Jet engines suck.
My toilet sucks.
I suck my coffee through a straw.
Babies suck milk from NIPPLES! Prolly goin to teh hell for it too! Damned nipple SUCKers!

This suck doesn't suck.

And Wildmon is a tripe sucking asshat.
posted by zerokey at 8:13 PM on August 24, 2005

Don't forget vacuum cleaners. Everyone knows that nothing sucks like Electrolux.
posted by clevershark at 8:35 PM on August 24, 2005

Wait! I think I get it now!

Suck, when used as an adjective, is rarely used positively. That other kind of suck is something that I think is pretty damned ok and stuff. But the AFA think good suck IS bad suck! So, sucks to be me that suck to them means teh suckz0r.
posted by zerokey at 8:38 PM on August 24, 2005

...they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
posted by eriko at 9:10 PM on August 24, 2005

Really, if you're gonna mailbomb someone, perhaps you should use their own complaint line instead of the astroturfer. Maybe send 'em a little something like this:

Dear Chairman Mao,

As a human being , I feel your campaign against children using the phrase "sucks" is a complete godsend.

The gruesome spectre of bowdlerisation in the name of so-called Christian decency has reaped its reign of terror against free expression for too long! It says in the Bible, "Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain", but it doesn't say a motherfuckin' thing about the Seven Words You Can't Say on Television. And as long as the stigma of forbidden delight hampers such relatively pedestrian swear words as "fuck" or "shit" (let alone "sucks"!), America's children will be content with the sort of quotidian bullshit profanity found on, say, 50 Cent records or some shit.

I mean, fer fuck's sakes, what the world needs is a generation who can take the profane to Whitmanian heights of poetic fancy. Let the little assburgers open wide their sucknozzles and let forth their barbarous yawp!

Anything less would be un-American.

That's what "Jerry Falwell" did, anyway...
posted by arto at 9:37 PM on August 24, 2005

Metafilter: Content with quotidian bullshit
posted by sfslim at 10:16 PM on August 24, 2005

Wildmon should boycott oxygen.
posted by alumshubby at 3:40 AM on August 25, 2005

Please do note that Paris contributed to this thread without attacking or being attacked...
Just something I'd like to see more of.
posted by klangklangston at 6:36 AM on August 25, 2005

Dear Chairman Ergen Mr. Wildmon,

As a parent, I feel your company's ad complaint campaign using the phrase "sucks" has not been thought through very well.

We desperately try to teach our children to refrain from using the type of crude and inappropriate language your ads web site actually promotes and encourages.

Please consider how your ads ridiculous complaints are serving to undermine me as a parent and encourages imitative behavior that most parents do not find acceptable.

I look forward to hearing from you on this matter.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 8:16 AM on August 25, 2005