takeafuckingjokewillya?

August 30, 2005 10:13 PM

Did God create hurricane Katrina? Well, probably not. But perhaps, it was George Bush continuing his plan for world domination by using HAARP and scalar technology to control the weather by applying the suppressed theories of Nikola Tesla! See, once Bush has induced economic armageddon it will quickly induce the peak oil crisis thus leading to permanent martial law whereby he'll be able to suspend the constitution. Once all these pesky government controls have been removed, then Bush will finally be able to achieve the neocon dream of a New American Century.
posted by slogger (57 comments total)

takeafuckingjokepuhleeze

No. Dickhead.
posted by dersins at 10:18 PM on August 30, 2005

Katrina is a fetus.
posted by Armitage Shanks at 10:20 PM on August 30, 2005

Katrina+Bush=Bad FPP
posted by Citizen Premier at 10:21 PM on August 30, 2005

I guess I'll give you an A for effort but an F for WTF?
posted by fenriq at 10:21 PM on August 30, 2005

Put this one out of its misery. It's the only humane thing to do.
posted by spock at 10:22 PM on August 30, 2005

On second thought, make that A a B, you cheesed several URLs.
posted by fenriq at 10:22 PM on August 30, 2005

You didn't capitalize Constitution.
posted by Rothko at 10:22 PM on August 30, 2005

Armitage Shanks: Hehe. Thanks for that. I'm surprised that it's from an anti-abortion position, as the most horribly devastating natural disaster this year being a fetus strikes me as clearly pro-abortion.
posted by bugbread at 10:23 PM on August 30, 2005

Though now you've got me all worried that the bun in my wife's oven will be neither boy nor girl but devastating-low-pressure-system.
posted by bugbread at 10:24 PM on August 30, 2005

Maybe it'll be half boy, half devastating low pressure system?
posted by fenriq at 10:27 PM on August 30, 2005

This post needs a feeding tube.....removed.
posted by peacay at 10:33 PM on August 30, 2005

speaking of weather control, I think its time to put some serious thought into the 'seed the huricane out of existance' thing. Supposedly it would cost about 8 billion dollars per huricane, but the damage of Katrina (and Ivan last year, probably) was a lot more then that.
posted by delmoi at 10:34 PM on August 30, 2005

This post needs a feeding tube.....removed.

And singing, dancing, and rejoicing.
posted by Rothko at 10:35 PM on August 30, 2005

Tomorrow, after I get some sleep (see the time stamp?), I might eventually read every linked-to article, but my initial hunch is that this post is in large part tongue-in-cheek.

As for the cheesed URLs, I've only found two: peak oil crisis and New American Century. 2 errors in 16 links, in a post that obviously took some time and effort to assemble, looks pretty good from here -- whatever slogger's point may be.
posted by davy at 10:40 PM on August 30, 2005

I declare Martian law!
posted by Derive the Hamiltonian of... at 10:47 PM on August 30, 2005

[this is good]
posted by mosch at 10:52 PM on August 30, 2005

Woah, man! WOAH! It's like you're reading my FRICKIN' mind!! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HEAD YOU BABY EATING GODLESS LIZARD FREAK!! FNORD!!!

I guess this is as good a place to post this as any: Denver International Airport Weirdness.
posted by loquacious at 10:56 PM on August 30, 2005

Katrina is a fetus

So the lifers named the hurricane. Ok.
posted by nervousfritz at 11:00 PM on August 30, 2005

Doesn't anyone else get pissed off that the first link conflates Christian Fundamentalism and science into "belief"?

Thinking that this could be connected to global warming or is the wrath of Jehovah are not the same thing.
posted by lerrup at 11:14 PM on August 30, 2005

Auto de fe.
posted by tellurian at 11:25 PM on August 30, 2005

"At least one New Orleans-area resident believes God created the storm as punishment because of the recent role the United States played in expelling Jews from Gaza"

That's just awesome that they could imagine a hurricane-hurling Christian God angry at the US for our role in Gaza, but totally not even make the leap to a Christian God angry at us for, oh, I dunno, unjustified war, murder, and imperialism in the middle east.

Kunstler writes: "We are entering a period of economic hardship and declining incomes...The suburbs as are going to tank spectacularly.

Going to? The huge piles of traffic, millions of undereducated and disaffected youth, crumbling nuclear families, failing schools and extremely flagrant waste of resources both public and private aren't enough? WTF, Kunstler?

"...We are going to see an unprecedented loss of equity value and, of course, basic usefulness. We are going to see an amazing distress sale of properties, with few buyers. We're going to see a fight over the table scraps of the 20th century."

I'd say there's already plenty of scrapping going on. Walk into any given Walmart. What dreck.
posted by loquacious at 11:36 PM on August 30, 2005

I have my problems with Kunstler, but they're related to direct email conversations I've had with him, not to his writings on his site. His basic premises seem sound, if pessimistically apocalyptic. I do agree with him that America has been rather uglified, especially architecturally... something that Chris Ware has illustrated rather instructively in his comics.

This major dent in US oil and natural gas production, and more critically refinement capacity, should show us plainly what's really going on in the oil arena; OPEC is offering to raise quotas to 11 million barrels per day, but I think it's an even-money bet that they can't actually do it. We'll find out soon enough.

In any event, US refining capacity is not up to demand, and we're going to see a shortfall and much higher prices at the pump for gasoline, diesel, jet fuel, heating oil and kerosene. I'd guess about half of the increase will be opportunistic price-gouging. And, if the aftermath of Ivan is any indication, the prices won't go back down much even after everything settles out; it's pretty easy to keep the price high once people are used to it.

I'm expecting regular gas here in LA to hit $3.50 a gallon within 2 weeks, at most a month. Might go as far as $3.75 or $3.80, depending - I just filled my bike tank at $2.95/gal, with "plus" at $3.16 and "super" at $3.24, so that's not a wild fantasy guess. National average, about $3.00.

Not gonna be fun.
posted by zoogleplex at 11:52 PM on August 30, 2005

Uh, I guess I should say I agree with you, loquacious. Things are already tanking, though it's not clearly obvious to everyone yet. I think Kunstler thinks that too.
posted by zoogleplex at 11:54 PM on August 30, 2005

Whoever thinks that HAARP has anything to do with tropospheric weather systems has been misinformed. I have worked there -- suffice it to say that whatever weird effects caused by transmitting energy amounting to 1/(an incredibly big number) of the total energy budget of the UPPER atmosphere (lower thermosphere, starting at ~100km) have occured, you won't see them with your naked eyes, unless they are dark adapted and you are patient enough to wait for the 6300Å artifical airglow that can be produced.

Yes, modulating the lower ionosphere with this type of pulsed energy can, in theory, generate ELF waves. However, natural purturbations in the ionosphere (gravity waves, sporadic E & F, etc.) preclude the USAF (DOD, ONR, whoever) from using this as a communication device or as any kind of weapon for mind control, making moose walk backwards, yada yada....

HAARP is powerful, but it is not the first ionospheric heater. They exist (or did) in Puerto Rico, Peru, Russia, and Norway
to name a few. This is not an American invention or even their idea.

There are many reasons to fashion a tinfoil hat, but HAARP is not one of them.
posted by septentrion at 12:11 AM on August 31, 2005

Ha ha ha, I get it! Because there are bees!
posted by TwelveTwo at 1:32 AM on August 31, 2005

To be clear, I dig me some Kunstler. I think he's right about a lot of things, and uncomfortably bombastic about other things. I even briefly emailed him myself once for extensive quote permissions. I bet that guy gets a fuckton of email, and I have no idea how he answers it so quickly and so often. I suspect he's a cyborg.

I guess I'm just dissing him because it didn't seem bombastic enough for Kunstler.

HAARP and other projects like it scare the crap out of me, perhaps because I don't understand it that well - but perhaps more likely because I don't understand why they're doing it.

And frankly, I wouldn't be too surprised or astonished if a ton of totally crazy-sounding tinfoil hat stuff is proven to be hideously true.

Hindsight and history tells us that the US and other governments have already done some pretty unbelievably ugly things to it's own citizens. Which admittedly is no way to predict the future, but can certainly raise suspicions, doubt, and worry.
posted by loquacious at 3:19 AM on August 31, 2005

Isn't it amazing the stuff people believe... and DON'T believe? The world is a far stranger place than any of us realize. Oh, and:

Metafilter:making moose walk backwards
posted by Enron Hubbard at 3:24 AM on August 31, 2005

I hate Bush as much as the next intelligent person—OH SHIT DID HE GO THERE—but seriously, if I hear one more person use the term "neocon", words will be had.
posted by Mikey-San at 4:30 AM on August 31, 2005

Mikey-San: What if they use it entirely appropriately? It's not some word some obscure lefty just pulled out of his or her ass.
posted by raysmj at 4:50 AM on August 31, 2005

Why has no one suggested orgone? Orgone is a favorite of mine and could be important. It proved very valuable in protecting us from invading UFOs. Orgone is released from among other sources by orgasms. Too many orgasms at the right time and in the right place could top out with a hurricane - but then, what a way to go.
posted by donfactor at 5:26 AM on August 31, 2005

Flying Spaghetti Monster Save Us ! ! !
posted by mk1gti at 5:40 AM on August 31, 2005

Why is it that God always hates on the US and not Europe?
posted by j-urb at 5:55 AM on August 31, 2005

In fact I would like to see God crash a hurricane right into the Iberian peninsula and head directly toward Amsterdam and then make a swing up north to hit the Scandinavian countries on its way to the UK.
posted by j-urb at 5:59 AM on August 31, 2005

I like this post. Takes a little gas out of all the other posts.
posted by fungible at 6:35 AM on August 31, 2005

As a conoisseseur of conspiracy theories, I think this post is awesome. I also think some commenters here have failed to grasp its tongue-in-cheek nature.

Though I follow conspiracy theorizing, I don't believe in most of it. The thought that anybody "created" Hurricane Katrina for the nefarious purpose of driving up oil prices and opening the way for martial law simply boggles the mind, though there are people out there who belive this. One thing that I find missing from a lot of conspiracy theories is a compelling explanation of the motivations of our "evil overlords." I'd like to see a discussion of why people subscribe to these beliefs.
posted by spacewaitress at 6:51 AM on August 31, 2005

I for one welcome our low pressure one-eyed fetal overlords.


It had to be said.
posted by CynicalKnight at 7:28 AM on August 31, 2005

As my atmosphere professor said: "Great White Sharks exist for only two purposes: To eat and to make little Great White Sharks. And hurricanes exist for only one purpose: To disperse heat from the equatorial regions towards the polar regions. So yes, it appears that global warming IS a factor in the increased number (and intensity of hurricanes) over the past 30 years.
posted by spock at 7:29 AM on August 31, 2005

thats such a good quote
posted by j-urb at 7:33 AM on August 31, 2005

spacewaitress: "One thing that I find missing from a lot of conspiracy theories is a compelling explanation of the motivations of our "evil overlords." I'd like to see a discussion of why people subscribe to these beliefs"

Here is a link that talks about real conspiracies:

http://www.publiceye.org/tooclose/cons_not.html

unfortunately as a result of some evil conspiracy between Matt and those evil doers at Microsoft, it impossible for my old system 9 Mac to use the new buttons at the bottom of he comment box. so you will have to drag and drop the link.
posted by donfactor at 7:33 AM on August 31, 2005

unfortunately as a result of some evil conspiracy between Matt and those evil doers at Microsoft, it impossible for my old system 9 Mac to use the new buttons at the bottom of he comment box. so you will have to drag and drop the link.

Is it also a result of some evil conspiracy between Matt and those evildoers at Microsoft that you're unable to type a href="url" between angle brackets?

And why is this ridiculous excuse for a post still here?
*goes off to click [!]*
posted by languagehat at 7:39 AM on August 31, 2005

Neat Post.

beliefnet...

In a recent CNN poll, 55% of those responding believe that global warming is causing the severe weather we've experienced recently, which is a kind of admission that a huge hurricane is part of the wages of (environmental) sin. Meanwhile, most polls show that 40% of all U.S. adults believe the physical world will eventually end as a result of a supernatural intervention, perhaps with a literal Rapture, Tribulation, Antichrist, and Battle of Armageddon described in the Book of Revelation. Nearly half of all Americans believe the Middle East will be “heavily involved” in the events surrounding the end of the world. And 40% believe the end of the world will come in their lifetime.

HA
posted by KantoKing at 8:01 AM on August 31, 2005

[this is good]
posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:39 AM on August 31, 2005

About the only thing missing from this post is a reference to Time Cube(tm).

OK, maybe there is one, but I'm not going through all those links.
posted by clevershark at 8:58 AM on August 31, 2005

you're unable to type a href="url" between angle brackets

tech bully outed.
posted by CynicalKnight at 9:27 AM on August 31, 2005

The thing is, a couple of those links are actually worth reading. I'd even suggest that parts of the PNAC website should be required reading - especially 2000's Rebuilding America's Defenses (PDF link):

In broad terms, we saw the project as building upon the Defense strategy outlined by the Cheney Defense Department in the waning days of the Bush [Sr.] Administration.
The Defense Policy Guidance (DPG) drafted in the early months of 1992 provided a blueprint for maintaining U.S.
preeminence, precluding the rise of a great power rival, and shaping the international security order in line with American principles and interests.

(...)

This report proceeds from the belief that America should seek to preserve and extend its position of global leadership by maintaining the preeminence of U.S. military forces.... At no time in history has the international security order been as conducive to American interests and ideals.
The challenge for the coming century is to preserve and enhance this “American peace.”

(...)

After 2010 – seemingly a long way off but well within traditional defense planning horizons – the outlook for increased military spending under current plans becomes even more doubtful. In the coming decades, the network of social entitlement programs, particularly Social Security, will generate a further squeeze on other federal spending programs. If defense budgets remain at projected levels, America’s global military preeminence will be impossible to maintain, as will the world order that is secured by that preeminence.

posted by poweredbybeard at 10:09 AM on August 31, 2005

Oh, and just to keep it relevant, for the conspiracy-minded, another interesting quote from "Rebuilding...":

Further, the process of transformation, even if it brings revolutionary change, is likely to be a long one, absent some catastrophic and catalyzing event – like a new Pearl Harbor.

I'm just sayin', is all.
posted by poweredbybeard at 10:13 AM on August 31, 2005

I blame the Reverse Vampires.

Or the Rand Corporation. One of those two.
posted by lodurr at 10:47 AM on August 31, 2005

If I were God, I'd be saying to myself, "How many fucking hurricanes will it take for these morons to get the hint and stop voting republican?"
posted by mullingitover at 11:02 AM on August 31, 2005

If I were God, I'd be saying to myself, "How many fucking hurricanes will it take for these morons to get the hint and stop voting republican building in low lying swamp areas?"
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 11:16 AM on August 31, 2005

"One thing that I find missing from a lot of conspiracy theories is a compelling explanation of the motivations of our 'evil overlords.'"

"Power corrupts and is addicting like crack" ain't enough for ya? Substituting "power" for "cocaine" in this old joke, it's like this: "Power made me feel like a new man, and the first thing this new man wanted was more power." It also helps that many of our "evil overlords" are born into wealthy families that already have disproportionate power and influence, so they have a head start that the Little Napoleon managing the Wal-Mart down the street didn't get.

"More power! MORE POWER!!!"
posted by davy at 12:40 PM on August 31, 2005

I don't think that it really takes much discernment to see that this post is a humorous poke at conspiracy theorists. When MeFites react so harshly and seriously to something that is evidently tongue in cheek, it provides cover to people who actually say something offensive and then later try to claim that they were just making a funny.

In other words: this is why we can't have subtle things.
posted by anapestic at 1:06 PM on August 31, 2005

"And 40% believe the end of the world will come in their lifetime."

I would be willing to bet (on almost anything completely unverifiable, come to think of it) that at least 40% of people of every time and generation have believed the end of the world would be in their lifetime. MY problems are always the worst, aren't they? Nothing could be worse than what happens to ME. And the world continuing without ME is so basically inconceivable that it has to end, right?

Which, IMHO, is the fundamental underpinning of all religious belief. There must be a soul and an afterlife, because you can't have a universe without ME.
posted by umberto at 1:27 PM on August 31, 2005

I guess those 40% are the people we need to reach out to. (the ones who believe in Divine Armageddon in their lifetimes and vote Republican).

Unfortunately, they don't read MeFi, on the whole, preferring Fox News and perhaps the National Inquirer.

How do we persuade these people?
posted by cleardawn at 1:36 PM on August 31, 2005

umberto: Not all religious beliefs require a soul or an afterlife.

It's quite possible, for example, to reject the lie of Judaeo-Christo-Islamic religion, but still believe in the beauty and oneness of all things, and see oneself as just a tiny and temporary part of that self-evolving dance.

(Tiny and temporary but still self-evidently necessary, just as every piece of shit or grain of sand that exists is self-evidently necessary. It exists, therefore it must exist. That last bit isn't quite as easily self-apparent to some people as it is to others. Meditation required).

Many people who've spent lots of time thinking about spirituality seem to arrive at some conclusion along those lines. They generally ain't gonna be in that 40% group.
posted by cleardawn at 1:49 PM on August 31, 2005

I don't understand at all why this light-hearted poke at conspiracy theories is getting so much damn flack. You folks who are all upset about it do realize it's tongue-in-cheek, right?
posted by bugbread at 4:17 PM on August 31, 2005

I would be willing to bet (on almost anything completely unverifiable, come to think of it) that at least 40% of people of every time and generation have believed the end of the world would be in their lifetime.

I would be willing to bet you can find 40% of the population that will believe just about anything. it just won't always be the same 40%.
posted by poweredbybeard at 6:49 PM on August 31, 2005

Neo-con
posted by GrooveJedi at 3:22 AM on September 12, 2005