Laugh Judgement: Religious Humor

September 12, 2005 1:37 AM

The laugh judgement our competition to find the funniest and most offensive religious jokes, in response to the British government's proposed anti-religious hatred legislation, is finally over. And we have two winners. Our funniest religious joke is about sectarianism gone mad, while our most offensive is a sick tale of tragedy on a clifftop – as voted for by Ship of Fools readers. Read on for the jokes.
posted by srboisvert (97 comments total)

Metafilter: Best of Fark
posted by nightchrome at 2:07 AM on September 12, 2005

What they decided to be funniest joke, submitted by one Elijah Fart, was I'm pretty sure lifted from an old Emo Phillips routine.

It was a good one, though.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 2:30 AM on September 12, 2005

Let me save you some time:

Jesus walks into a motel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

None of the others are funny.
posted by Ryvar at 2:34 AM on September 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Wow, these are really unimpressive. The winner of the funniest religious joke is clever, but I didn't find myself laughing, and the funniest offensive jokes were neither very funny nor terribly offensive--they seemed mostly to be cliched and tired.
posted by nonmerci at 2:43 AM on September 12, 2005

Buddhist walks up to hot dog seller and says "Make me one with everything".
posted by jiroczech at 2:45 AM on September 12, 2005

These jokes need banning - not for their religious content, but just for being so crappy!
posted by DrDoberman at 3:01 AM on September 12, 2005

jiroczech, hot dog guy gives him his food, accepts payment. Buddhist asks him "Where is my change?"
Hot dog guy responds, "Surely you know that change must come from within?"
posted by nightchrome at 3:03 AM on September 12, 2005

Two nuns in a bath.

First nun: Where's the soap?

Second nun: Yes it does, doesn't it?
posted by nthdegx at 3:14 AM on September 12, 2005

nthdegx - No soap radio.

;)
posted by longbaugh at 3:21 AM on September 12, 2005

Apart the unfunniness of most of them (the funniest ones being usually the old and reliable), what is more striking is that none are not really anti-religious. These are jokes about clergy or sectarianism and religious-related puns with added "offensive" material, but they don't say much about the tenets of religion itself.
posted by elgilito at 3:25 AM on September 12, 2005

Had about an hour's fun with that variant with a PE teacher at school, longbaugh ;)
posted by nthdegx at 3:31 AM on September 12, 2005

What's this?



A helluva way to spend easter.

Full credit given to Ship of Fools, though... we need more Christian websites like they run.
posted by Jimbob at 3:56 AM on September 12, 2005

I seem to be dense this morning. nthdegx, I don't get it.
posted by Faint of Butt at 4:04 AM on September 12, 2005

Say it out loud.
posted by lunkfish at 4:07 AM on September 12, 2005

Faint of Butt - look for the first nun's unintended pun.
posted by nthdegx at 4:12 AM on September 12, 2005

Hm. Maybe I do get it, and it's just not funny. Oh, well.
posted by Faint of Butt at 4:24 AM on September 12, 2005

Yeah, nthdegx's joke went over my head, too.

Really like the crucifix jokes, though! Keep 'em coming!
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 4:52 AM on September 12, 2005

A middle aged man is driving his truck cross country for the first time. As he's driving on some lonely roads of Indiana in the middle of the night, he spots a sign on the side of the road: "St. Peter's Brothel, 10 miles". He's never seen anthing like this before, or even been to a 'house of ill repute' and blows it off as a prank. Another 5 miles pass under his tires and he sees another sign: "Get laid at St. Peter's, 5 miles". Well, things start to sound a bit more interesting and he starts counting the miles as they pass... sure enough, He sees a large sign labeling a turn off for St. Peter's. He decides to pull in.

He walks up to the main door and knocks loudly. A nun greets him. "I'm here for the brothel" the man says with a glint in his eye.
"oh, of course, right this way." the nun says as she leads him in to the building. Several long halls and twists and turns later, she brings him to another nun standing by a door.
"Sister Mary will take care of your needs.... this will be $500.00, cash only please."
Gladly, the man counts out the money, all the while grinning like a school boy. he's always wanted to have his way with a nun!

Sister Mary opens the door to what appears to be a dark room and motions for the man to enter. He does and before he can let his eyes adjust, he hears the door shut behind him only to find himself outside and alone.
He turns around in confusion and sees a small plaque on the door he just walked through.
"you've just been screwed by the Sisters of St. Peter.... thanks, and have a nice night"
posted by sciurus at 4:57 AM on September 12, 2005

But first, the Aristocrats!
posted by emelenjr at 5:04 AM on September 12, 2005

"Hm. Maybe I do get it, and it's just not funny. Oh, well."

Maybe :)
posted by nthdegx at 5:09 AM on September 12, 2005

Too bad Dave Allen died earlier this year...he'd have a field day with this.
posted by alumshubby at 5:13 AM on September 12, 2005

Why don't Jews celebrate Christmas?

Santa Claus goes down the chimney.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 5:57 AM on September 12, 2005

Q: Why don't US Navy SEALs like Jehovah's Witnesses?
A: SEALs don't like any witnesses.
posted by alumshubby at 6:07 AM on September 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

What's the difference between Darwinism and Catholicism?

In Catholicism, retarded people produce more offspring.

(That one's mine. It needs work, maybe.)
posted by Pretty_Generic at 6:11 AM on September 12, 2005

The girl on the cliff made me laugh out loud, getting the attention of everyone in the office.
posted by disgruntled at 6:21 AM on September 12, 2005

What's the difference between Hinduism and Disneyland?

Disneyland has gritty realism.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 6:22 AM on September 12, 2005

Realism: Shit happens.

Confucianism: Confucius says, “Shit happens.”

Catholicism: Shit happens and you deserve it.

Protestantism: Shit happens, but only to other people.

Hinduism: Why does the same shit keep happening over and over again?

Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn’t really shit.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?

Mormonism: Our shit doesn’t stink.

Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

Atheism: No shit.
posted by alumshubby at 6:43 AM on September 12, 2005

"Wears" the soap? I still do not understand.
posted by gubo at 6:44 AM on September 12, 2005

:)
posted by nthdegx at 6:49 AM on September 12, 2005

Proof that religion is no laughing matter.
posted by runkelfinker at 6:49 AM on September 12, 2005

Gubo: "wears" as in "wears down". What the second nun does to wear down the soap is left to your imagination. She probably has calluses or something like that. It's really a joke for kids.
posted by elgilito at 6:53 AM on September 12, 2005

"Where's the Pope?" I, too, do not understand. At least the punchline. And what's "no soap radio" got to do with it?
posted by smcniven at 6:53 AM on September 12, 2005

elgillito: Doh! Need more coffee
posted by smcniven at 6:55 AM on September 12, 2005

Or perhaps it's a non-joke, and you've all been had.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 7:00 AM on September 12, 2005

It's really a joke for kids.

Hehe... clearly.

And what's "no soap radio" got to do with it?

No soap: Radio!
posted by nthdegx at 7:02 AM on September 12, 2005

Man on a Bridge is definitely an Emo Philips routine, I have the CD. It's probably better told than read on the computer screen.
posted by inthe80s at 7:05 AM on September 12, 2005

God decides he has earned a vacation after so many years of maintaining the cosmos and such, so he summons his official celestial travel agent, St. Peter, to assist him in planning a holiday.
St. Peter suggests a few different locations -
"Skiing on Pluto?"
God replies, "Nah. Too dark. Plus it's impossible to find, anyway."
"How about Jupiter? It's nice this time of year."
God says, "I dunno...I've heard it's terribly dangerous."
"Well...what about Mercury?"
"No way! Too hot. I burn easily."
St. Peter is nearly out of ideas, so he starts reaching -
"I've got it! Earth!"
God blurts out, "Earth? Are you joking? Last time I went there I screwed that Jewish chick and I still haven't heard the end of it!"
posted by Baby_Balrog at 7:06 AM on September 12, 2005

Now I'm really confused. Are people really so stupid that they don't understand that joke even after they've had it explained to them or is it some sort of "no soap radio" psychological experiment double bluff?
posted by ninebelow at 7:10 AM on September 12, 2005

Okay, I thought that was the point of the "Where's the soap" joke. Thanks, elgilito. The pun just seemed too convoluted to actually register as funny. Let us say no more of this.
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:12 AM on September 12, 2005

You're not saying it with the right accent.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:13 AM on September 12, 2005

The alternate version of the "Atheist and the bear" joke should be mentioned.

A religious person was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that God had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself, praising the Lord and his Creation.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw.

At that instant the religious person cried out "Oh my God! Help your faithful servant!"

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

And in one swift stroke, the bear killed him.
posted by elgilito at 7:18 AM on September 12, 2005

No Soap Radio (wikipedia)
posted by DBAPaul at 7:21 AM on September 12, 2005

oooh, anti-humor. how clever.
posted by NationalKato at 7:23 AM on September 12, 2005

Shoot me, I duplicated emelenjr's link.
posted by DBAPaul at 7:25 AM on September 12, 2005

Yes, because that's the worst of it!
posted by nthdegx at 7:32 AM on September 12, 2005

God, whatta bunch of nancies on those boards.
"I find anything that mentions the tennents of my religion in a mocking light to be deeply, deeply offensive..."

Priest working the confessional wants to step out for a smoke, so he grabs the janitor and tells him to cover for him. In comes a woman who starts with the whole "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned" routine, and confesses that she's had oral sex with her boyfriend. The janitor looks at the little chart in front of him with the number of hail marys and our fathers for sins listed, but can't find oral sex. He ducks out for a second and finds a choirboy.
"Look, what does Father Doogan give for oral sex? he asks the boy.
"Two cookies and a Mars bar," says the boy.
posted by klangklangston at 7:33 AM on September 12, 2005

"Among players of [deleted], there is a taboo against admitting that the rules are mostly fictitious. Some interpret this as an attempt to maintain the ignorance of outsiders. Another explanation is that admitting what's really going on is incompatible with actually playing the game."
posted by nthdegx at 7:34 AM on September 12, 2005

Well, I appreciate the motivation behind this. It's important to mock religion; often, and hard. Some of the jokes are okay although I've heard them all before.

I cannot believe the people who needed the "two nuns in a bath" joke spelled out to them. Simply incredible. Golden rule of two-liners: if the joke isn't immediately obvious, look for puns and wordplay. That one's been a personal favourite since junior school. So much so that to this day if someone says "Where's the.... [anything]" I'm depressingly likely to respond "yes it does, doesn't it?" no matter how innappropriate to the object being sought. In fact, the more inappropriate the better.
posted by Decani at 7:42 AM on September 12, 2005

I can't believe this old chestnut hasn't been dragged out:

A truck driver is driving down the highway, when he sees a Mormon at the side of the road, holding a sign saying "Utah or bust." Enraged, the driver swings over to the shoulder and runs the Mormon into the ground, killing him instantly.

A little while later, he sees another Mormon, holding a sign saying "Want to see my 6 wives; drive me to Utah." This *really* turns the driver's crank, so he swings over and accelerates, once again killing the Mormon.

Just a bit after that, he sees someone else by the side of the road, and -- assuming it's a Mormon -- he slides onto the shoulder, getting ready to kill him. But getting closer, he discovers it's a Catholic priest, so he humbly stops and picks him up.

They drive together in silence for a little bit, the man reflecting upon his life, when all of a sudden, he catches a glimpse of another Mormon up ahead on the side of the road, this one holding a sign saying, simply "Joseph Smith, not Jesus Christ." The driver loses it and drives straight at the Mormon, remembering at the last second that he has the priest in the cab with him. He swerves and figures he's missed, but hears a sickening "grunch" and knows he's ploughed the Mormon under, with the priest as a witness.

Horrified, he turns to the priest and says "Honestly father, I thought I missed him!"

The priest looks at him consolingly and says "It's alright, my son. I opened the door. We got the bastard."
posted by Imperfect at 7:44 AM on September 12, 2005

Here's a not especially funny one I heard from a history professor.
A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew travel to Russia to convert their heathen king. When they get there, they discover that the king is a big fat lazy slob. He leaves the running of the country to his advisors, and spends all day drinking ale, eating pork, and sleeping with one of his 100 wives.

All of them are shocked by what they see, and decide to tell him to change his ways. But at the same time, they realize that they can't criticize him too harshly, or they'd get thrown in jail.

So the Jew speaks to him first. He says, "You know, there's nothing wrong with having a bit of ale to drink. I'll have to talk with you later about having 100 wives. But it's absolutely awful that you eat pork, and I insist that you stop."

The king doesn't respond to him, so the Muslim speaks next. "It's OK to have 100 wives. You really shouldn't be eating pork. But it's absolutely shocking that a king would drink alcohol, and you must stop that at once."

The king doesn't respond to this either, so the Christian speaks. "Eating pork is perfectly alright. And perhaps you should cut back on your drinking. But being married to 100 women is terrible. You simply must divorce 99 of your wives."

The Christian got a reaction out the king. "You want me to divorce 99 of my wives?"

"Err ... yes."

"Why that's the best idea I've heard all day!"
posted by CrunchyFrog at 8:10 AM on September 12, 2005

Three guys were out playing golf. The first one hits the ball and it goes straight into a water hazard. He walks over, parts the water, and walks down into the now-dry hazard. He plays on through and comes in two under par.

The second guy hits the ball, and it lands in the same water hazard. He walks over and walks out on top of the surface of the water, and the ball rises to the surface. He plays on through and comes in two under par.

The third guy hits the ball, and it goes into the water hazard... and is swallowed by a fish. Suddenly, an eagle swoops down, grabs the fish and flies away with it. As the eagle is flying over the green, it's struck by a bolt of lightning. The eagle drops the fish, which lands on the green, and the ball rolls out of its mouth and lands in the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "You know, I really hate playing with your dad."
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:15 AM on September 12, 2005

Faint of Butt wins.
posted by flabdablet at 8:24 AM on September 12, 2005

This Mefi post, and specifically this koan reminded me of a religious variation:

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 8:33 AM on September 12, 2005

I cannot believe the people who needed the "two nuns in a bath" joke spelled out to them. [...] That one's been a personal favourite since junior school.

Clearly this is a British-thing. I love a good pun, but "Wears the soap" is lame. Sorry.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 8:35 AM on September 12, 2005

(no nead to spell out the whole joke...)

"Quick, sister, show him your cross!"

So the second nun winds down the window, leans out and yells, "Oi, Devil, Fuck off!"
posted by salmacis at 8:37 AM on September 12, 2005

You mean the Bible didn't win?
posted by odinsdream at 8:58 AM on September 12, 2005

A nun, a rabbi, and minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
posted by dbmcd at 9:09 AM on September 12, 2005

*power failure*

"As one nun said to the other, better pull out the candles."
posted by sonofsamiam at 9:10 AM on September 12, 2005

A man who has lived a good life arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter greets him and asks him if he would like a tour of heaven. The guy says sure and they go into heaven.

First he takes the man to the part of heaven where all the Jews are and they see all of the jews doing the things that they love to do.

Then just across the way they go to see where all of the Muslims are and they are praying and reading the Koran.

Then Peter takes him a long way away from the Jews and the Muslims to the Christian part of heaven. The man asks Peter why the Christians are so far away and Peter says "shhh they think they are the only ones here"
posted by Justin Case at 9:21 AM on September 12, 2005

A priest and one of his parishioners are fishing in a stream one day. The priest begins struggling and finally pulls a large fish from the water. Surprised at the size, he shows it to the other man.

"Wow, Father," the man says. "That's the biggest sombitch I ever saw!"

"Son," the priest replies, shocked, "You know I'm a man of the cloth. I'd appreciate it if you'd not use that sort of language with me."

The man says, "No, Father, that's the name of the fish. It's called a sombitch fish."

"Oh. Well, is it good eating? The Monseignor's coming for dinner tonight."

The man smiles, "Yeah, Father, that sombitch is going to be great!" So the priest takes the fish back to the church to prepare for dinner and runs into a nun in the halls. Seeing the fish, she says, "My, Father, what have you got there?"

"This is the sombitch we're going to cook for the Monseignor tonight."

"Father!" the nun says. "You should be ashamed!"

"No, Sister," the priest replies. "That's the name of the fish. It's a sombitch fish."

"Oh, interesting." she says. "Can I help in any way?"

"You can clean the sombitch," Father replies. So the nun takes the fish and heads into the kitchen to clean it where she runs into the Mother Superior. Seeing the fish, she inquires about it.

"This is the sombitch we're going to eat tonight with the Monseignor," the nun answers.

Mother Superior is enraged. "Daughter! This is the house of our Lord! How dare you speak that way!"

"No, Mother. That's the name of the fish. It's called the sombitch fish. Father caught it and I'm going to clean it."

Mother Superior ponders her words and then nods. "Very well. Is there anything I can do?"

"You can cook the sombitch." the nun replies.

Later that night, at the dinner table, the Monseignor is devouring the meal and looks up at his hosts. "This fish is amazing! It's about the best tasting fish I've ever eaten."

"I caught the sombitch!" the priest says.

"I cleaned the sombitch!" the nun says.

"I cooked the sombitch!" Mother Superior says.

Monseignor smiles and says, "You fuckers are great! I'm going to love it here!"
posted by NationalKato at 9:26 AM on September 12, 2005

3 blonds come before St Peter and he tells 'em they have to pass an intelligence test before they may enter heaven. The question is "what is Easter?'

The first blond says Easter is the holiday where families get together and give thanks. Peter looks annoyed and thunders "WRONG" and the blond disappears inna puff of smoke.

The second blond says Easter is the holiday where children dress up in costumes and ask for candy from their neighbors.

Same reaction from Peter and the blond disappears.

The third blond replies that Easter is a Christian holiday that is based on elements of Judaism and Pagan rituals. Christians believe that after Jesus was crucified he was taken down from the cross and his body was interred inna cave and sealed with a large boulder and on every Easter the boulder is rolled back and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow there will be 6 more weeks of winter.
posted by wrapper at 9:27 AM on September 12, 2005

Justin Case: The version of that joke I heard involved, not Jews, Muslims, and Christians, but THREE Chrisian denominations, one of which thought it was the only one in heaven. Which is hilarious.
posted by sonofsamiam at 9:28 AM on September 12, 2005

sonofsamiam: now that you mention it I think that's the way I first heard it. it's been a while, i guess I forgot what the denoms were and substituted the jews and muslims. I never can remember jokes and that was the funniest religious joke I had ever heard so it stuck for some reason.
posted by Justin Case at 9:42 AM on September 12, 2005

I'm not a fan of the nun-soap joke, either. I think a better short nun joke is this one:

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come
this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

posted by Pliskie at 9:47 AM on September 12, 2005

I independently conceived the second most offensive joke (the one about Jesus masturbating through the holes in his palms) a number of years ago. It was a bit disappointing to find out that other's thought of the same joke too. It was also more than a bit predictable.
posted by I Foody at 10:03 AM on September 12, 2005

Faint of Butt stole my joke. Not very offensive, but my favorite religious joke ever.
posted by mrgrimm at 10:17 AM on September 12, 2005

I've heard "Shh, they think they're the only ones here" with Southern Baptists and Roman Catholics as the ones who think they're the only ones there.
posted by Jeanne at 10:27 AM on September 12, 2005

NationalKato: Your's was the first to make me laugh. Props also to Pliskie, my lips turned up slightly. The rest ... meh...
posted by Dag Maggot at 10:27 AM on September 12, 2005

wrapper, when I heard the joke, is was "...six more weeks of Lent."
posted by alumshubby at 10:36 AM on September 12, 2005

Except maybe for alumshubby's contribution no one else finds this stuff a little repetitive? Same two themes done over and over:

a) delusion - ok got it, religion is wrong, repeat...

b) bodily functions - these aren't 'religious' jokes particularly, just school-yard bathroom or sex jokes applied to the target group, religious people.

Agree, meh.
posted by scheptech at 10:36 AM on September 12, 2005

My religious Aristocrats joke (meant for both Christians and Jews):

Mel Gibson bursts into a talent agent's office and says, "I've got this great idea for a film that'll bring families together! You've just got to hear it!"

The agent replies, "Well, I don't really do film. Good day with you." And tries to send Mel Gibson out of his office.

Mel Gibson pleads, "Pleeease, sir. I think if you just hear my idea you'll really like it!"

The agent, a bit reluctant gives a big sigh and says "Alright, let's hear it."

Mel Gibson gets right to it!

"Okay, well, its about The Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We start off with Judas betraying Jesus, you know... the usual routine. And then we have the Jews come and arrest him, and bring him in front of Pontius Pilate.

In the meantime we show the Jews torturing Jesus, for, at least a half an hour. They just keep beating about him with spikes, and whips. There is blood all over the place! And just when you think Jesus is about to die in the hands of his torturers, they turn him over and torture him some more! With even more spikes! and whips! Oh! *sigh*

So now he's all bloody, and he's in front of the Court, and all the Jews let the MURDERER go, but Jesus is sent off to be crucified.

And then we show all that! It'll be great! He has to carry his cross, and then all the Jews gather around beat him some more, and his executioners beat him some more! And there's just blood and skin falling all over the place! And they just keeping hitting him! OH, I forgot about his crown of thorns! That's on too! Blood is running down his face. His back looks like an inside-out bear rug! His hands are bloody! His face is bloody! His knees are bloody! And they just keeping hitting him more and more! In fact, he's probably been whipped so many times that he can't feel anymore!! But we'll still portray the brutal agony of every single hit!

The killer ending, heh heh, NO PUN INTENDED! The killer ending will be Jesus finally getting crucified! HA! CRUCIFIED! I mean, we all knew it was coming anyway, right? But we HAVE to show it! Oh, but just to make it even better, we'll have the cross fall WITH JESUS ON IT! And of course, once he's up there on the cross, the Jews will spear him to make sure he's dead, or at least dying. He will be COMPLETELY covered in Blood! Oh my God! I think it will be the best movie ... EVER!"

After hearing all of this, the agent is quite shocked. But he says, "That sounds like a really good idea, what do you call it?"

Mel Gibson replies, "The Passion Of The Christ"
-fin
posted by mrzer0 at 10:40 AM on September 12, 2005

you forgot one

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
posted by jonmc at 10:41 AM on September 12, 2005

what's black and white and has trouble going through revolving doors?

a nun with a spear through her head :-)
posted by sineater at 10:49 AM on September 12, 2005

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Fuck her.

and ....

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her like an altar boy.
posted by zanni at 10:52 AM on September 12, 2005

Q: What did Jesus say when he was on the cross?
A1: I can see my house from here!

or

A2: Mary, get me my pumps, these spikes are killing me!

And,

Q:Why doesn't anyone play hide-and-go-seek with Jesus?
A:*Holds palms over eyes* He cheats!
posted by elwoodwiles at 11:11 AM on September 12, 2005

One of the rooms in the convent was being refurbished and the Mother Superior ordered two of the new young nuns to repaint the walls of the room, but she very sternly warned them not to get a single drop of paint on their habits. So the two nuns discussed this and decided that they would lock the door, remove their habits, and paint the walls in the nude.

So they placed their habits in the middle of the floor and began painting. After a few minutes they hear a knock at the door and a voice calling "blind man". They hesitate for a few moments but then figure it should be safe to let a blind man in, so they unlock the door.

A man carrying a large carton enters, looks at them, and says "Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?".
posted by pmbuko at 11:20 AM on September 12, 2005

"Quick, sister, show him your cross!"

So the second nun winds down the window, leans out and yells, "Oi, Devil, Fuck off!"

Salmacis, you are a strangely mind reading, fabulous old thing. I wanted to tell that joke the other day because it made me giggle really hard when I heard it, but I couldn't get the punchline right. (I am the world's worst joke teller).
posted by penguin pie at 12:02 PM on September 12, 2005

3 nuns of outstanding piety were killed in a tragic auto accident. Their souls ascended quickly to Heaven, where they were greeted warmly at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter informed them all that they had been such rightious and gentle servants of the Lord that they would be given the opportunity to return to Earth for one day, as any person they desired, to do as they wished. He asked the first sister who she would like to be for that day.

"Peter, " she said, "I would wish to return as Winston Churchill, a person of great inner strength and deep wit. I would bolster spirits of those around me, and offer hope to the hopeless".

"Very well", replied St. Peter, and *poof* off she was sent. "Well then , sister, " he said to the second nun, "what is your desire".

"Oh great Saint, I would go back as Sophia Loren, a woman of confidence and beauty. I could show all women the charm and grace that is our gift to the Earth."

"And so you shall, " said Peter and sent her away in a flash and puff of smoke. He turned to the third nun and asked, "Who would you wish to be, sister?"

She replied, most definately "Sarah Pipilini."

Peter looked puzzled at first, and then asked, "Sister, I'm unfamiliar with this soul. Who is she?".

"Certainly she must be in your book", exclaimed the nun, but Peter searched the Great Book of Life for the name in vain.

"But I read an account of her deeds in the newspaper" said the exasperated nun. "Sarah Pipilini was her name, and I remember the article well".

"Child" said Peter, " We have an extensive library here in Heaven, and if you tell me where you read of this person, I will seek the article out."

The nun told Peter of what she had read, and off he went to find out who this Sarah Pipilini was. After some time he returned with an embarassed look on his face. "Sister", he said, "I regret to inform you that the article says 'The Sahara Pipeline was laid by 10, 000 men in a Day'".
posted by Wulfgar! at 12:13 PM on September 12, 2005

Bill and Ben are in the bath.

Ben Farts.

Bill says "Half past two"
posted by ClanvidHorse at 12:23 PM on September 12, 2005

Two cows in a field

Which one's on holiday?

The one with the wee calf. (Needs to be said in a Scottish accent).

Sorry not religious.
posted by ClanvidHorse at 12:26 PM on September 12, 2005

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they see a kid walking toward them.

"Hey Isaac," says the priest, "let's go screw that little boy."

"Screw him?" says the rabbi, "...out of what?"
posted by felix betachat at 12:35 PM on September 12, 2005

Better jokes in this thread than those in the FPP!
posted by DrDoberman at 12:46 PM on September 12, 2005

elwoodwiles - I have a version of that first joke -

It starts with Jesus hung on the cross and shouting to Peter.

"JC" - Peter! Peter!
"P" - My Lord! I come.

Peter runs towards the Nazarene but is intercepted by the legionnaires tasked with security, they batter and bruise Peter to a terrible degree, smashing the bones in his arms to pieces.

"JC" - Peter! Come quickly!
"P" - My Lord, battered, bruised and disheveled as I may be I will reach your side!

Peter again charges his way to the saviour of all mankind flailing his arms like spaghetti but the Roman soldiers again step in to halt his progress, beating him bloody and crushing his legs with the flats of their swords.

"JC" - Peter, my favourite disciple you must come to me!
"P" (now distinctly the worse for wear) - My Lord I will reach you no matter what, despite the likely lethal beating set before me by your loving Father!

Peter flops his way towards Jesus and this time the Legion steps back, astounded at what this man will do to reach his friend. Pulling himself the last few cubits by his chin Peter spits out a clump of dust and says

"P" - My Lord! You called for me and I have endured punishment upon punishment to be by your side. Tell me Lord, how I may best serve you in my loving devotion?
"JC" - Look yonder, Peter. I can see your house from here.
posted by longbaugh at 1:03 PM on September 12, 2005

Two nuns in a bath.

First nun: Where's the soap?

Second nun: Yes it does, doesn't it?

I never would have got that one, since "wears" and "where's" are not in fact homophones. The "h" is pronounced in "where."
posted by kindall at 1:34 PM on September 12, 2005

Two jews pass a signfront that says "Convert to Christianity, earn $5!" After a bit of debate, Isaac tells Jacob that he's going in.
He comes out five minutes later and says that the conversion was easy.
"Little dunk in the water, that's it," says Isaac.
"Did you get the five dollars?" asks Jacob.
"Money? That's all you people think about," says Isaac.
posted by klangklangston at 2:02 PM on September 12, 2005

kindall, only if you can't talk proper.
posted by ninebelow at 3:01 PM on September 12, 2005

How do you know that G_d approves of baseball? First three words of Bereshit (Genesis) - In the Big Inning.

The same rabbi who told me that one also asked me if I'd heard about the dyslexic rabbi. He was known for saying, "Yo! Gevalt!".
posted by QIbHom at 3:16 PM on September 12, 2005

Little Billy is in the closet spying on his mother and her lover. Suddenly his father is heard downstairs arriving home. His mother, thinking fast, pulls on her clothes and tells her lover to hide in the closet. So, in he goes, slamming the door behind him.

"It's very dark in here," says little Billy.

Surprised, the man looks down at him. "Shhhh," he says.

"It's very very daaaark in here," little Billy repeats.

"Shut up!" whispers the man.

"It's so dark in here," says little Billy, "I think I might scream!"

"No, no," says the man, "don't scream. . . Here, I have a dollar for you." Little Billy accepts the dollar and quiets down, and some time later the lover is able to slip away.

The next day, Little Billy is out with his mum. He takes out his dollar to buy some candy.

"Hey!" says his mother, "where'd you get that?"

Little Billy says nothing.

"You stole that dollar, didn't you! You little thief!" She grabs little Billy by the ear and drags him into church.

"You confess to the Father, now, or you're going straight to Hell for stealing," she cries, pushing Little Billy into the confessional and slamming the door.

After a moment, Little Billy says, "It's very dark in here."

"Oh, no you don't," says the voice from the other side, "you're not starting that again!"
posted by The Bellman at 3:18 PM on September 12, 2005

kindall, only if you can't talk proper.

In what obscure yet "proper" dialect is the "h" in "where" not pronounced? I mean, you don't get to just leave out letters. Except for the ones you're supposed to leave out.
posted by kindall at 3:23 PM on September 12, 2005

The "h" is pronounced in "where."

See also: The rain in spain stays mainly on the plain. Those Brits have been French kissing with the mother tongue for far too long. We Yanks will take it from here. Thanks.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:31 PM on September 12, 2005

Yeah, you seppos can butcher a language like no-one else.
posted by inpHilltr8r at 4:25 PM on September 12, 2005

So one beautiful Sunday morning the pastor of the church decides to play hooky and drive a few towns over and play a round of golf. St. Peter happens to be looking down and, outraged, he points out the derelict minister to god. God leans down from on high, extends his arm, points his finger and lets loose just as the man of the cloth swings his club. This is the most beautiful drive of the man's life, it sails further than he has ever hit a ball and in fact not only reaches the green but after a small hop rolls into the cup. St. Peter is appalled and amazed and askes god why would he do such a thing. God says, "Who's he going to tell?"
posted by pointilist at 4:59 PM on September 12, 2005

YES!

Scored one of the top ten most offensive! Woohoo!

Alas, not named as it must have been submitted by this other fellow before I, but it's good to know that it made it in.
posted by dreamsign at 10:17 PM on September 12, 2005

Jesus plans the Second Coming for New Years, GMT, some year decades hence. He descends amidst the crowd at Trafalgar Square. Yell as he might, he can't attract anyone's attention. Finally, a voice from the back of the crowd shouts:

"If you are really Jesus, show us a miracle!"

Jesus happily obliges, stepping out onto the water of a nearby fountain, whereupon he quickly sinks up to his neck in water.

Jesus, understandably perturbed, zips upwards to heaven to consult with St. Peter.

"Peter, I don't understand," Jesus says. "Two thousand years ago, I didn't have this problem."

"But Jesus," Peter replies, after a brief pause. "Two thousand years ago, you didn't have holes in your feet."
posted by Chasuk at 11:03 PM on September 12, 2005

"Wears the soap" is lame

Umm... that's the point.

Clearly this is a British thing. That old irony thing again, in fact... :-)
posted by Decani at 11:25 AM on September 13, 2005

Bill and Ben are in the bath.

Ben Farts.

Bill says "Half past two"

I would just like to say that this one put me on the floor. Thanks for that.
posted by Decani at 11:27 AM on September 13, 2005

A drunk is stumbling down a dark street. He sees a nun in full habit and rushes her, knocking her down. Standing over her, he yells, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"
posted by rob511 at 2:00 AM on September 14, 2005