I want you to wreck it.

September 13, 2005 10:02 PM

Benjamin Hackett is more than just your average right-wing blogger. Sure, he's interned for Sean Hannity and his latest opinion piece was a drawn-out character assasination of Cindy Sheehan, but he also writes some titillating/hilarious erotic fiction (text NSFW). May he carry on the great tradition.
posted by rbf1138 (50 comments total)

Oh my God, this is the most hilarious, glorified rape scene I have ever encountered! My favorite part is the following:

"He threw the rapper in front of her, but the condom itself found the garbage can."

You'd think he'd have time to employ spell-check, but judging by the quality, I doubt he had time to proof-read or edit.
posted by nonmerci at 10:16 PM on September 13, 2005

She stood up, still staring at her many times lover.

Did this guy even pass a first-year college writing course?

I'm almost reminded of a quote from one of William F. Buckley's turgid wankfests.
posted by Rothko at 10:18 PM on September 13, 2005

So I explored his site a little bit and checked out his "poetry", and came across this gem:

Holy effing Shit

He walks
Holy fucking shit is it dark
He darts those dark brown eyes around
Holy fucking shit is it dark
He smiles....no smirks...
Holy fucking shit is it easy

There are no words.
posted by nonmerci at 10:21 PM on September 13, 2005

Clearly, a future FEMA appointee. (pdf)
posted by trondant at 10:40 PM on September 13, 2005

erm, I would describe that "titillating/hilarious" link as rape fistion. Are we cool with that? I'm not.
posted by wilful at 10:40 PM on September 13, 2005

Hmm... Distress' Puffy and pink deformities.

YEAH BABY.
posted by delmoi at 10:46 PM on September 13, 2005

//skims fully//

Holy crap, that is some fucked up shit!
posted by delmoi at 10:47 PM on September 13, 2005

"She felt as if there were a thousand eyes on her, but it was just the manifestation of his."

Creepy and grammatically incorrect!
posted by sixdifferentways at 10:56 PM on September 13, 2005

Is this a joke?
posted by The Jesse Helms at 11:02 PM on September 13, 2005

Hey, CMU isn't know for it's English program...

Although, it did get me kind of hot.
posted by SweetJesus at 11:18 PM on September 13, 2005

Woah... this kid goes to my college. I thought the link sounded familiar... I've heard his name around campus. I think he ran for Student Body President.
posted by yevge at 11:26 PM on September 13, 2005

Man, you got some fucked up friends.
posted by zerolives at 11:26 PM on September 13, 2005

Woah... this kid goes to my college.

Me too. The Cindy Sheehan piece ran today in the opinion section of The Tartan (the school newspaper).
posted by ludwig_van at 11:28 PM on September 13, 2005

________?

Is this Mad Libs?
posted by wakko at 11:37 PM on September 13, 2005

My god, this has to be a spoof. It can't be true. Our world is coming to a fuc*king end.
posted by webranding at 11:47 PM on September 13, 2005

The alleged erotica contains many, many deliciously inept sentences, but this is my favorite:

______ was about to achieve, but he held off.

Even in context, it's difficult to determine whether ______ is holding off an orgasm, or a 1600 SAT score. I suspect Mr. Hackett has revealed to the reader far more than he intended.

[Confidential to rbf1138: A "great tradition" would draw on a history beyond the past eighteen months. Unless you yourself are under the age of ten, which may well be the case. If not--show some pride in your craft and google up something remotely plausible.]

For those who enjoy (in whatever sense) proto-libidinous prose stylings, I recommend the Gruniad's annual Bad Sex Award. This year's winner, readable here, achieves to us courtesy of Tom Wolfe. Don't miss the archives.
posted by vetiver at 12:10 AM on September 14, 2005

I would describe that "titillating/hilarious" link as rape fistion.

Nah, fistion would cross the line from erotic to pornographic, and that would just be un-Republican.
posted by dgaicun at 12:23 AM on September 14, 2005

"He threw the rapper in front of her, but the condom itself found the garbage can."

So is this, like, standard frat-boy interracial wife-swap fantasy or what, because I have no other idea how to parse the bit about the rapper?
posted by joe lisboa at 12:30 AM on September 14, 2005 [1 favorite]

"I recommend the Gruniad's annual Bad Sex Award. This year's winner, readable here, achieves to us courtesy of Tom Wolfe."

Well this is all coming together then, vetiver. Bush was recommending that smutty-ridiculous Charlotte Simmons book to everybody, toss that in with Lynne Cheney's previous life as a writer of terrible lesbian erotica, and we have ourselves a Republican tradition as old and authentic as war and jingoism.
posted by dgaicun at 12:39 AM on September 14, 2005

No, no, y'all got it wrong. See, _____ was annoyed to notice that there was a rapper in front of Liz, instead of the donkey dressed in a priest's cassock and holding a barbie doll in its mouth that he'd paid extra for, so he threw the rapper in a fit of rage.

The defenestration of Snoop Prague. Surely you've heard of this.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:40 AM on September 14, 2005 [1 favorite]

The Cindy Sheehan piece ran today in the opinion section of The Tartan (the school newspaper).

When journalists go back to writing articles in their high school newspapers, is ther something anyone needs to wory about?
posted by Balisong at 12:52 AM on September 14, 2005

WOULD
YOU
LIKE
ENGLISH LESSONS
__________?
posted by secret about box at 12:56 AM on September 14, 2005

Balisong, he's not a journalist, he's a student at a university. The piece ran in the university paper.
posted by yevge at 1:02 AM on September 14, 2005

From the first paragraph of the Sheehan piece: "The 'Bring them Home Now' tour made a stop in Schenley on September 11th bringing with it its standard fare of allegations, lies and methodology of preying on the emotions of those whom hurt the most."

Sheesh.
posted by StickyCarpet at 1:20 AM on September 14, 2005

I bet this kid's a virgin.
posted by sacrilicious at 1:32 AM on September 14, 2005

StickyCarpet:

I bet it also brings monsters. Scary ones, with fangs'n'junk.
posted by secret about box at 1:33 AM on September 14, 2005

Reading this almost makes me want to drop out of college. Honestly, if someone so "educated" has the lack of sense to post something so horribly laughable as this, what use is there? Know the right people, and you can throw your own turds and get somewhere in life.

The only thing that could be worse would be TIME CUBE EROTICA.
posted by Saydur at 1:55 AM on September 14, 2005

CUBIC SEXING UP ABOVE GOD POWER
STUPID SINGULARITY EDUCATED HUMANS EVIL 4 CUBED ZERO VALUE WANG
FOUR SIMULTANEOUS SINGULAR EVIL WOMEN TO WORSHIP ONE MAGNIFICENT 4 CUBED WANG

WOMEN RAVAGE TIME CUBE PLUNDERING SCHOLASTICISM'S EVIL CONTRADICTED SINGULARITY WANG CUBIUM DIPOLE ATOM PENETRATION

You have been unsexy wangularity stupid.
You have been unsexed in wangularity evil.
Self sexing is cursed form of humanity.
Do you care to know that Cubic Creation
defunks the Wang God and Wang World of
the educated stupid human Wang Animal?
Evil educators repress
student free love right
to lick Cubic Creation.
Evil students don't object.

Cubicism defunks evil scientific wangularity.
Cubicism defunks evil religious wangularity.
Cubicism defunks evil wang god wangularity.
Cubicism defunks evil academic wangularity.
Babies created via opposite rotating poles
Flag depicts opposite rotating hemispheres.
Creation of life occurs between 2 opposites.
You're too stupid to know opposite creation.
1 day wangularity dooms Oppositehumanity.
1 god wangularity dooms Opposite Creation.
Fools know not Nature's Cubic Creation.
Children are sacrificed to deified hoax.
God image is womanless queer likeness.
No god equals harmonic 4 daycreation.
Queer science theory forced on children.
EVIL STEWARDSHIP - Corruption of Wang

Academic free sex is a damn lie.

posted by loquacious at 2:30 AM on September 14, 2005 [2 favorites]

I do like the lovingly photoshopped portrait of his partner though.
posted by Tuatara at 4:27 AM on September 14, 2005

Let's pay respect to the true classics, now.
Eyeing a slender female crouched alone at a nearby bench, Grignr advanced wishing to wholesomely occupy his time. The flickering torches cast weird shafts of luminescence dancing over the half naked harlot of his choice, her stringy orchid twines of hair swaying gracefully over the lithe opaque nose, as she raised a half drained mug to her pale red lips.

Glancing upward, the alluring complexion noted the stalwart giant as he rapidly approached. A faint glimmer sparked from the pair of deep blue ovals of the amorous female as she motioned toward Grignr, enticing him to join her. The barbarian seated himself upon a stool at the wenches side, exposing his body, naked save for a loin cloth brandishing a long steel broad sword, an iron spiraled battle helmet, and a thick leather sandals, to her unobstructed view.

"Thou hast need to occupy your time, barbarian",questioned the female?

"Only if something worth offering is within my reach." Stated Grignr,as his hands crept to embrace the tempting female, who welcomed them with open willingness.

"From where do you come barbarian, and by what are you called?" Gasped the complying wench, as Grignr smothered her lips with the blazing touch of his flaming mouth.

The engrossed titan ignored the queries of the inquisitive female, pulling her towards him and crushing her sagging nipples to his yearning chest. Without struggle she gave in, winding her soft arms around the harshly bronzedhide of Grignr corded shoulder blades, as his calloused hands caressed her firm protruding busts.

"You make love well wench," Admitted Grignr as he reached for the vessel of potent wine his charge had been quaffing.
posted by Wolfdog at 4:38 AM on September 14, 2005

[derail]
For those who don't know, Wolfdog is quoting from The Eye of Argon, something of a classic in sf circles, for all the wrong reasons.
Personal favourite quote:
"Consciousness returned to Grignr in stygmatic pools as his mind gradually cleared of the cobwebs cluttering its inner recesses, yet the stygian cloud of charcoal ebony remained. An incompatible shield of blackness, enhanced by the bleak abscense of sound."
[/derail]
posted by thatwhichfalls at 4:49 AM on September 14, 2005

I love some of his photoshop stuff, there's a lot going on there.
posted by fire&wings at 4:58 AM on September 14, 2005

Erotica via Babelfish.
posted by grabbingsand at 5:41 AM on September 14, 2005

From the first paragraph of the Sheehan piece
I realize now its not constructive to point out the problem without providing a solution, so here goes:

"made a stop ...bringing with" better: "arrived ...bringing"

"bring with it its" better: "bringing along its"

"allegations, lies and methodology of" better: "allegations, lies, and ..."

"methodology" better: "method" or "methods"

"those whom hurt the most" better: "those hurting most"

And that's only one sentence.
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:06 AM on September 14, 2005

Even though I was in college many years ago, this guy is the reason I transferred out of Carnegie Mellon as quickly as I could.
posted by OmieWise at 6:26 AM on September 14, 2005

The Sheehan piece is really really poorly written, and it makes me sad. It's one thing to disagree with Sheehan, even to savage her in a column, but to fail to do that because (although you claim to be a writer) you can't even write, that's just pathetic.
posted by OmieWise at 6:29 AM on September 14, 2005

Loquacious wins the thread! 10,000 points!
posted by secret about box at 6:40 AM on September 14, 2005

That is some terrible writing, and I've experienced the horror of Thundercats slash fiction. The truly sad part is that despite his ineptitude, he will probably get a sweet gig at Heritage or one of the million other conservative think tanks simply because they have the money to throw at even the worst students, as long as they hew to the neocon standard.

The? Enemy? stands at the gates
Eyes averted, Inverted to his own
His cause is JUST, ‘Just’ to he ?
Perhaps I am? the enemy?
Perchance? he is right……..?
Impossible? I state
And I violently? THRUST my sword
Collapse…

Jesus Christ? that? sucks?
posted by Optimus Chyme at 6:41 AM on September 14, 2005

Kids these days. I'm afraid young Benjamin will never be a Joseph Sabia. Why, I'd be surprised if he can even spell "bergamot."
posted by octobersurprise at 6:41 AM on September 14, 2005

StickCarpet, this guy's use of "whom" implies to me that he's just discovered the accusative case and wants to rub it in everyone's face about how he uses it and others don't. Meanwhile, it makes his writing appear all the more stilted. Keep in mind that he's in college and thinks that stilted writing is a sign of professionalism.

That said, good editing work. Do you do any freelance editing?
posted by deanc at 9:16 AM on September 14, 2005

Loofleskates. And loquacious, I humble in your presence.
posted by Emperor Yamamoto's Eggs at 9:26 AM on September 14, 2005

Tthe link regarding doing nasty things to Ann Coulter (the title of the blog is NSFW as well as most of the text in the blog) is very funny.

'I’m as horny as the hat rack at a Viking bar'
posted by monkeyman at 10:12 AM on September 14, 2005

Aw, you guys, he's gone and taken the site down. Now I'll never get to read about the rapper.
posted by jokeefe at 11:31 AM on September 14, 2005

Or rather the naughty bits. The opinion pieces are still there, and just as wretchedly written as advertised.
posted by jokeefe at 11:32 AM on September 14, 2005

Here ya go
posted by rbf1138 at 11:37 AM on September 14, 2005

...or, nevermind
posted by rbf1138 at 11:38 AM on September 14, 2005

No one can hide from Google...

There is so much more - hackettsites.com.
posted by SweetJesus at 11:39 AM on September 14, 2005

This should work...
posted by rbf1138 at 11:41 AM on September 14, 2005

rbf.... that link is so poor, its fujnny. Its almost like abstract art.
posted by wheelieman at 1:09 PM on September 14, 2005

That post also was Abstract Art
posted by wheelieman at 1:10 PM on September 14, 2005