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Life immitates art, with Aloe!
September 14, 2005 10:30 AM   Subscribe

"F*ck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades." Gillette's annoucment that they're making a five-bladed razor, complete with two aloe strips, is only humorous given its similarity to the Onion article that made such a device famous.
posted by XQUZYPHYR (81 comments total)

 
I don't know how we've shaved this long without them.
posted by wsg at 10:32 AM on September 14, 2005


Hah, not a double post, but we've covered this territory before.
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:32 AM on September 14, 2005


My crotch stubble trembles in anticipation.
posted by Rothko at 10:33 AM on September 14, 2005


Tough times to be a satirist. Even in the razor business.
posted by Western Infidels at 10:34 AM on September 14, 2005


The Fusion will also be available in a power version and features a micro-chip that regulates the voltage and blade action.

So this razor, it vibrates?
posted by ElvisJesus at 10:43 AM on September 14, 2005



Only five??!! Pfft...
posted by Skygazer at 10:45 AM on September 14, 2005


Yeah, I'm waiting for the Gillette Googol-- anything else is for wimps.
posted by InfidelZombie at 10:47 AM on September 14, 2005


How come the new blade is not on the handle, or perpendicular to the other four?
posted by Succa at 10:48 AM on September 14, 2005


You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.

This was always my favorite Onion article and I can't believe it's come to pass. Much like this one.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:50 AM on September 14, 2005


And don't forget the ironically prophetic SNL commercial parody from many years back (shortly after the introduction of the dual blade razors) that featured a triple blade razor because "you'll believe anything".

With reality like this, who needs parody?
posted by krtzmrk at 10:50 AM on September 14, 2005


Let's say that you need 6 strokes of a single blade to shave your face sufficiently, and 7 or more strokes is going to irritate your face. This razor will give you 4 extra irritating strokes, as compared to the single blade. So, only buy this razor if you face needs a number of strokes that is a multiple of 5.

In all seriousness, I read this article and purchsed the merkur blade, I've never been happier.
posted by about_time at 10:50 AM on September 14, 2005


I shave with the jagged edge of busted jack daniels bottle because everyone knows that the government can use those parallel blades to listen to your conversations. Two more blades just means they can listen BETTER.
posted by spicynuts at 10:51 AM on September 14, 2005


Didn't SNL do a parody with 14 blades, or some formerly ridiculous number?
posted by ZenMasterThis at 10:52 AM on September 14, 2005


Damn you beat me to this post!

This is just ridiculous though. What's next 6 blades? 10?

I look forward to my future Gillette bathroom wall shaver with 367 blades arrange in the wall for the full body shave in one swipe.
posted by aaronscool at 10:52 AM on September 14, 2005


This also reminds me of the "6 seconds abs" car ride from There's Something about Mary.
posted by about_time at 10:53 AM on September 14, 2005


More prescient Onion.
posted by ootsocsid at 10:53 AM on September 14, 2005


Nice touch with the Onion article. Very funny post.
posted by caddis at 10:54 AM on September 14, 2005


... featured a triple blade razor because "you'll believe anything".

With reality like this, who needs parody?


As much as I see the humor trajectory here, I use the Mach 3 and would NEVER go back to two blades. I know it sounds retarded and brainwashed, but on several occassions due to circumstances I've had to use my father's two bladed razors and the shave was HORRIBLE. Despite that, I don't really see how 5 blades can be better than 3, even though 3 blades is clearly better than 2. Maybe shave technology is now progressing by the same rules as semiconductor technology.
posted by spicynuts at 10:55 AM on September 14, 2005


Rob Coddry, the funniest man ever, did a bit on the Daily Show where he invented, I think, the ten blade razor. It was basically a fan of razors that spun rapidly.

It was hilarious, but has been trumped by reality.

The balls on Gillette!
posted by xmutex at 10:56 AM on September 14, 2005


Am I the only one here who uses an electric?
posted by darkness at 11:04 AM on September 14, 2005


about_time, thanks for linking to that MSNBC article; interesting reading. Wet shaving makes sense. I wasn't happy with my shaving results until I got a Wilkinson Sword's safety razor and started shaving in the shower. Saves my skin and my money.
posted by Triplanetary at 11:05 AM on September 14, 2005


I think 5 is the max unless someone figures out how to change the laws of physics. 6 blades and the razor will likely collapse under it's own weight. Even if they did figure out a way to construct it users would have to ingest levels of steroids comparable to the intake of both Barry Bonds and Raphael Palmeiro during a pennant race just to summon the strength required to lift such an apparatus. I beg the science community, just let it be.

I think it's time we take our best scientists off toothbrush and razor blade research and have them focus on our energy problems.
posted by any major dude at 11:05 AM on September 14, 2005


If the Mach 3 has three blades, shouldn't they call this one Mach 5?
posted by kirkaracha at 11:06 AM on September 14, 2005


As much as I see the humor trajectory here, I use the Mach 3 and would NEVER go back to two blades.

Same here. Three blades shave so well that I've stopped using two blades, but since three blades is more expensive I've stopped shaving as often and I usually sport a goatee. So ironically the shave was so smooth I've ended up spending less on money on blades.
posted by bobo123 at 11:06 AM on September 14, 2005


*sigh* shaving is such a miserable experience, even with my Mach3 Power. I wish there was a depilatory that didn't melt my face. (enter genie).

I only learned recently that a lot of shaving irritation may actually come from shaving the hair too close, so, 5 blades isn't sounding so sweet to me.
posted by zerokey at 11:08 AM on September 14, 2005


Only five blades?

I'm thinking of a razor that will blow this five bladed beast out of the water. See, with some applied nanotechnology, why not make a million nano blades and put them onto a razor?

Who's with me?
posted by rand at 11:10 AM on September 14, 2005


For some reason I'm reminded of wayyy back, when toilet paper was having a similar arms race and you had ads for 4 ply TP, everyone was hugging the bag, etc, etc.
posted by darkness at 11:11 AM on September 14, 2005


This second aloe strip, it lathers?
posted by lowlife at 11:30 AM on September 14, 2005



I'm thinking of a razor that will blow this five bladed beast out of the water. See, with some applied nanotechnology, why not make a million nano blades and put them onto a razor?


I think that's what they're alluding to by referring to the closely-spaced 5-blade contraption as a "shaving surface." We're getting there.
posted by rxrfrx at 11:37 AM on September 14, 2005


::strokes his bushy, luxurious beard and laughs at all of you::
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:38 AM on September 14, 2005


There was an Onion caption last week saying that Katrina rescue helicopters had been refusing to pick up chicks unless they flashed their breasts.

... at the same time, a story saying the same thing was on BBC News. Funny world.
posted by bonaldi at 11:41 AM on September 14, 2005


The Mach 3 is a damn fine razor, I hope they don't stop making it.

I am not affiliated with Gillete.
posted by jefbla at 11:50 AM on September 14, 2005


There's been an advert here mocking the super-bladed ads where a man is trying to shave with something that has fifteen blades (and looks appropriately ludicrous). It ends with some happy line about "why complicate things?" and shows off the easy electric alternative. ;)

So Gillette have already been made fun of, before that product even launched. I'm betting that right now, a media-buyer is buying up loads of airtime for that 15-blade ad-gag to run again.
posted by dabitch at 11:51 AM on September 14, 2005


Anything over two blades gives some of us nasty rashes. For a while there, I had to use single-blade razors, but the sensitive skin twin-blade ones are better now.
posted by raysmj at 11:53 AM on September 14, 2005


I'm holding out for one with an mp3 player. Or maybe mp4 or 5, or...
posted by hellbient at 12:10 PM on September 14, 2005


Now here's a business model that simply CAN NOT fail:

1. Patent the razor with seven blades (or if that's taken, eight).
2. Bide your time ...
3. Profit !!!
posted by sour cream at 12:15 PM on September 14, 2005


*moahahaha*
posted by dabitch at 12:15 PM on September 14, 2005


...with some applied nanotechnology, why not make a million nano blades and put them onto a razor?

A Million Blades? Yo, sign me up!

Then I guess I'd have to change my user name to "Smooth Cheeked Baby Faced Monster."

On Preview: I'm holding out for one with an mp3 player.

I bet they're not too far off. I'd also like a razor/waffle iron combo: shave and make breakfast at the same time. Now we're multitasking!
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 12:16 PM on September 14, 2005


Lowlife, I just wanted you to know that your comment gladdened my heart.
Yes. It's easily gladdened.
posted by horsewithnoname at 12:17 PM on September 14, 2005


And just think of all the hairless, bleeding rabbits soon to be shamefully leaving the Gillette factory. Great job, Thumper!
posted by NationalKato at 12:25 PM on September 14, 2005


as for electric, I've found a electric + razor approach works best.

I tend to nick the shit out of my chin with a razor, yet electric grinds that area with ease. Electric does jack with the throat, but the razor slides over that area fine.
posted by Heywood Mogroot at 12:36 PM on September 14, 2005


This is from the Onion story:

"And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!"

...and this is from the real article:

"It also has a single blade on the back of the cartridge for shaving sideburns or trimming under the nose."

Sometimes life imitates satire just a tad too much, don't you think?
posted by clevershark at 12:46 PM on September 14, 2005


the mp3 razor was already spoofed on 'this hour has 22 minutes' or 'airfarce' I don't remember which one. (or I'm completely wrong and it was madTV or daily show or something). I don't remember the details but I remember being delightfully amused.
posted by imaswinger at 12:49 PM on September 14, 2005


::strokes his bushy, luxurious beard and laughs at all of you::

Rubs his smooth shiny bald dome and smiles. Three is plenty and a noticable jump in performance from two, particularly for heads. I briefly flirted with four but there just wasn't enough gain to warrant the extra cost. Mach 3 good for legs, too.
posted by fixedgear at 12:53 PM on September 14, 2005


...with some applied nanotechnology, why not make a million nano blades and put them onto a razor?

Just wait a few months till the Gillette/Apple merger is announced. Several million infinitesimal blades cunningly rendered in a handy white carrying case. The smallest razor ever built by man, it will require special tongs to grasp the handle. It will cost 400 bucks, be obsolete in three weeks, but ooh! Shiny.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 12:53 PM on September 14, 2005


We need the Iron Maiden mask shaver, that is a mask whose inner surface is covered with blades. You just put it on, spin it a bit, take it off, and you're shaved. Bloody, but shaved

Yeah, I'm waiting for the Gillette Googol-- anything else is for wimps.

I'm personally waiting for the Gillette Gogol-- it's likely to shave off your nose.
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:15 PM on September 14, 2005


about_time: Me too!

I started using the Mach III, then "upped" to the Mach III turbo, then "upped" to the M3 Power.
I still managed to get razor burn up the wazoo (and elsewhere).

I then read that MSNBC article, bought the Merkur Vision, followed their advice, and have never looked back.
I now get a ridiculously close shave, no nicks, and no burn (honestly).

It is admittedly a lot to plunk down for a razor, but I truly know that this will be used (and last) for my entire life. I'm already looking forward to passing it down to my son as well.

Couple that with the ludicrous cost of these new multiple-blade cartridges versus standard double-edges, and it seems a no-brainer.
posted by numlok at 1:25 PM on September 14, 2005


Why is this mentioned the very day I (dry)shaved my full-beard off in a hurry so I could report for an army physical fitness test.
posted by mystyk at 1:29 PM on September 14, 2005


This stuff reminds me of street guys in Vegas (et. al, they're ubiquitous) selling "Rolex" watches. Especially the vibrating blades. What am I that stupid?
My beard is so thick it's insectoid. Yet I have sensitive skin. In boot camp they gave us these cheapo-Bic single blade razors. I kept getting giged for not shaving. Pissed me off because I couldn't bring my straight razor with me (it's a weapon...you can think about that one for a bit) so the DIs are eyeballing my chin whiskers telling me how sloppy I am while the hair on my knuckles and my unibrow are growing fast enough to be seen by the naked eye.

I like my shavin' the way I like my music - old timey.
Just call me Mr.Blonde I guess.
posted by Smedleyman at 1:39 PM on September 14, 2005


My shaver just trims my beard. I have no idea how many blades she uses. I just lay back, eyes closed, relaxed.

The triple track razor was SNL October 11, 75. "The three-blade razor is designed for people who'll believe anything they see."

I never use the mach razors because they just don't fit my medicine cabinet. The disposal slot is just too thin.
posted by ?! at 1:49 PM on September 14, 2005


Just wanted to weigh in with another vote for old school, single bladed safety razors. That MSNBC article got me interested in giving them a try and I can't imagine ever going back. Significantly more comfortable.

Sucks to this multiple blade nonsense!
posted by aladfar at 2:06 PM on September 14, 2005


The best shave for me is the original Sensor; not even the Sensor Excel, which was/is a definite step downward.
posted by ParisParamus at 2:31 PM on September 14, 2005


What, is there some kind of Moore's Law for razors? I DON'T THINK SO.
posted by ParisParamus at 2:34 PM on September 14, 2005


Despite that, I don't really see how 5 blades can be better than 3, even though 3 blades is clearly better than 2.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende?
posted by bachelor#3 at 2:43 PM on September 14, 2005


Thank you, Kafkaesque. That was awesome.
posted by Wolfdog at 2:59 PM on September 14, 2005


What, is there some kind of Moore's Law for razors? I DON'T THINK SO.

I wish. Then I could afford the Mach 3. This is why I resist any further advances in shaving technology--I really don't need another expensive grooming habit.
posted by arto at 4:20 PM on September 14, 2005


why are girl razors still stuck on three?? we shave a lot more surface area than men, and some places more sensitive than a mans face.

i wont be satisfied until i get at least five blades on a PINK handle plz.
posted by ackeber at 4:25 PM on September 14, 2005


I think it's time we take our best scientists off toothbrush and razor blade research and have them focus on our energy problems.
posted by any major dude at 2:05 PM EST

Fuck the energy problems! I need a toothbrush that will whiten my teeth, floss my gums, AND make my lips plumper and fuller.

I need a shampoo that will leave my hair as glossy as a mirror, cleaner than a surgeon's instruments, softer than a baby's behind AND smelling like the redwood forest.

I need a deoderant that will dry my armpits, suck out my arm fat, remove unsightly moles, AND increase my I.Q.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 4:31 PM on September 14, 2005


Am I the only one here who uses an electric?

No, I'm with you darkness.
In fact I just changed the heads on my Norelco for the first time in 7.5 years. (And, god, was that shave nice.)
posted by MikeKD at 4:51 PM on September 14, 2005


Speaking of prescient SNL sketches, see this one from just before the 2000 election depicting a two-week-old Bush presidency in which everything has gone to hell, the Great Lakes are on fire, and being the president is "too hard."
posted by pokeydonut at 5:21 PM on September 14, 2005


double-edge safety razor, shaving brush = superclean shave & no pain. I also ended my occasional adult-acne when I made the switch in college. Subsequently all my roommates followed me over. Really. 5 blades? That's like eating breafast every day with the spoon in a swiss-army knife.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 5:24 PM on September 14, 2005


Sweet Lord, just how close does a shave need to be? And why do we even bother dragging a sharp metal object across our faces every fucking day? I woke up late and didn't bother shaving this morning and I doubt it made of lick of difference in terms of my life or that of the universe.

We just shave to pretend we arent animals. Our faces are supposed to be hairy, dammit. Let it grow and embrace the barbarian within.
posted by jonmc at 5:24 PM on September 14, 2005


In the previous thread on the subject, I linked to my invention, the MrMoonPie OneStroke.
posted by MrMoonPie at 6:01 PM on September 14, 2005


Speaking of The Onion coming to life, my all time favourite incidence of that was soon after the 9/11 issue, which featured a woman baking an American flag cake because she was so upset after the tragedy and couldn't think of anything else to do. I was grocery shopping about a month later and in the store they were playing the Delilah radio show over the P.A. A woman called to Delilah to tell her she'd made an American flag afghan after 9/11. I laughed so hard I damn near fell into my cart.
posted by orange swan at 6:03 PM on September 14, 2005


SNL years and years ago, when gilette announced two blades, made a parody with 3.

Then when 3 came about...they did one with five...or I think ten.

Suprisingly, again, it was SNL. I just dont' have the patience to search the SNL archives.
posted by filmgeek at 6:08 PM on September 14, 2005


I don't quite understand this shaving in the morning thing. My thinking is that one wants to shave in the evening, when one's honey is going to most appreciate the smooth upper lip and chin against sensitive flesh...
posted by five fresh fish at 7:22 PM on September 14, 2005



I don't quite understand this shaving in the morning thing.


Oh, that. It has to do with working in an office.

Anyway, if it gets any better than the Mach 3 already is, it's basically magic, as far as I'm concerned. I'll buy it. Heck, I would be willing to pre-order it.
posted by bingo at 8:23 PM on September 14, 2005


>>double-edge safety razor, shaving brush = superclean shave & no pain

You got it Joseph. Safety razors are the cat's ass..

I use an old (The patent date on it says 1932) Gillette single-blade razor.
If I buy good blades, and don't let it near anyone's legs, it gives a flawless shave.
posted by login at 10:39 PM on September 14, 2005


Metafilter: Embrace the Barbarian Within
posted by lagavulin at 12:55 AM on September 15, 2005


Put me down for the wetshave. I switched to brush and cream a couple of years ago and I'll never go back.

When I'm in a rush I tend not to bother because it is a little more time consuming, but I love the ritual of it all.
posted by bouncebounce at 1:13 AM on September 15, 2005


I just shave while showering, without cream or brush. I started this because shaving creams alwasy seemed to give me a skin rash. Just few minutes of warm/hot water moving over the skin.

Doesn't work so well with single-blade disposables, but with the 2- and 3-blade razors with adjustable heads it works just fine.

But a 5-blade razor? Not sure what the benefit of that is supposed to be, except to make Gillette lots of money.
posted by moonbiter at 2:20 AM on September 15, 2005


I wish I could figure out how to take the first four blades off these things and just use the one that shaves closest of all.
posted by biffa at 3:03 AM on September 15, 2005


Shit. I agree with ParisParamus about something.
posted by anagrama at 4:05 AM on September 15, 2005


Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them.

Oh my god, why must the Onion always be so scathingly accurate. Sometimes it makes me want to cry.
posted by voltairemodern at 6:11 AM on September 15, 2005


BOYZONE
posted by bdave at 8:04 AM on September 15, 2005


Quick! Someone find a link to a cartoon from Mad Magazine over 20 years ago where they parodied the same thing. (I think Wired had a portion of the 'toon in an issue a few months back.)
posted by Pdubby at 9:42 AM on September 15, 2005


"I wish there was a depilatory that didn't melt my face. (enter genie)."

POOF! Magic Powder. Works above and below. Smells like the inside of a duck, but damn it works.
posted by majick at 9:55 AM on September 15, 2005 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, hear the lamentation of their women.

Mad Magazine had something akin to a googolrazor shaver - you hold it at either end and drag it across your face.
posted by Smedleyman at 10:57 AM on September 15, 2005


Pdubby: Here's that Wired article.
Also, here's the cover and summary of every issue of Mad Magazine (the Space Age Razor Race was from issue #208)
posted by numlok at 12:17 PM on September 15, 2005


Cool, numlock. I vividly remember my brother buying the first UPC-bearing issue.
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:06 AM on September 16, 2005


surely there's a chart somewhere that correlates the increase in the number of blades in Western culture with the increase in the number of US enemies...
posted by hellbient at 11:31 PM on September 19, 2005


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