Comments on: Life immitates art, with Aloe!

Life immitates art, with Aloe!

XQUZYPHYR — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:30:14 -0800

"F*ck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades." Gillette's annoucment that they're making a five-bladed razor, complete with two aloe strips, is only humorous given its similarity to the Onion article that made such a device famous.

By: wsg

wsg — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:32:52 -0800

I don't know how we've shaved this long without them.

By: MrMoonPie

MrMoonPie — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:32:56 -0800

Hah, not a double post, but we've covered this territory before.

By: Rothko

Rothko — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:33:39 -0800

My crotch stubble trembles in anticipation.

By: Western Infidels

Western Infidels — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:34:41 -0800

Tough times to be a satirist. Even in the razor business.

By: ElvisJesus

ElvisJesus — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:43:37 -0800

The Fusion will also be available in a power version and features a micro-chip that regulates the voltage and blade action. So this razor, it vibrates?

By: Skygazer

Skygazer — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:45:09 -0800

Only five??!! Pfft...

By: InfidelZombie

InfidelZombie — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:47:53 -0800

Yeah, I'm waiting for the Gillette Googol-- anything else is for wimps.

By: Succa

Succa — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:48:05 -0800

How come the new blade is not on the handle, or perpendicular to the other four?

By: Optimus Chyme

Optimus Chyme — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:50:02 -0800

You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A. This was always my favorite Onion article and I can't believe it's come to pass. Much like this one.

By: krtzmrk

krtzmrk — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:50:05 -0800

And don't forget the ironically prophetic SNL commercial parody from many years back (shortly after the introduction of the dual blade razors) that featured a triple blade razor because "you'll believe anything". With reality like this, who needs parody?

By: about_time

about_time — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:50:51 -0800

Let's say that you need 6 strokes of a single blade to shave your face sufficiently, and 7 or more strokes is going to irritate your face. This razor will give you 4 extra irritating strokes, as compared to the single blade. So, only buy this razor if you face needs a number of strokes that is a multiple of 5. In all seriousness, I read this article and purchsed the merkur blade, I've never been happier.

By: spicynuts

spicynuts — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:51:47 -0800

I shave with the jagged edge of busted jack daniels bottle because everyone knows that the government can use those parallel blades to listen to your conversations. Two more blades just means they can listen BETTER.

By: ZenMasterThis

ZenMasterThis — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:52:24 -0800

Didn't SNL do a parody with 14 blades, or some formerly ridiculous number?

By: aaronscool

aaronscool — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:52:35 -0800

Damn you beat me to this post! This is just ridiculous though. What's next 6 blades? 10? I look forward to my future Gillette bathroom wall shaver with 367 blades arrange in the wall for the full body shave in one swipe.

By: about_time

about_time — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:53:17 -0800

This also reminds me of the "6 seconds abs" car ride from There's Something about Mary.

By: ootsocsid

ootsocsid — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:53:54 -0800

More prescient Onion.

By: caddis

caddis — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:54:38 -0800

Nice touch with the Onion article. Very funny post.

By: spicynuts

spicynuts — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:55:08 -0800

... featured a triple blade razor because "you'll believe anything". With reality like this, who needs parody? As much as I see the humor trajectory here, I use the Mach 3 and would NEVER go back to two blades. I know it sounds retarded and brainwashed, but on several occassions due to circumstances I've had to use my father's two bladed razors and the shave was HORRIBLE. Despite that, I don't really see how 5 blades can be better than 3, even though 3 blades is clearly better than 2. Maybe shave technology is now progressing by the same rules as semiconductor technology.

By: xmutex

xmutex — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:56:54 -0800

Rob Coddry, the funniest man ever, did a bit on the Daily Show where he invented, I think, the ten blade razor. It was basically a fan of razors that spun rapidly. It was hilarious, but has been trumped by reality. The balls on Gillette!

By: darkness

darkness — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 11:04:02 -0800

Am I the only one here who uses an electric?

By: Triplanetary

Triplanetary — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 11:05:48 -0800

about_time, thanks for linking to that MSNBC article; interesting reading. Wet shaving makes sense. I wasn't happy with my shaving results until I got a Wilkinson Sword's safety razor and started shaving in the shower. Saves my skin and my money.

By: any major dude

any major dude — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 11:05:52 -0800

I think 5 is the max unless someone figures out how to change the laws of physics. 6 blades and the razor will likely collapse under it's own weight. Even if they did figure out a way to construct it users would have to ingest levels of steroids comparable to the intake of both Barry Bonds and Raphael Palmeiro during a pennant race just to summon the strength required to lift such an apparatus. I beg the science community, just let it be. I think it's time we take our best scientists off toothbrush and razor blade research and have them focus on our energy problems.

By: kirkaracha

kirkaracha — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 11:06:21 -0800

If the Mach 3 has three blades, shouldn't they call this one Mach 5?

By: bobo123

bobo123 — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 11:06:58 -0800

As much as I see the humor trajectory here, I use the Mach 3 and would NEVER go back to two blades. Same here. Three blades shave so well that I've stopped using two blades, but since three blades is more expensive I've stopped shaving as often and I usually sport a goatee. So ironically the shave was so smooth I've ended up spending less on money on blades.

By: zerokey

zerokey — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 11:08:33 -0800

*sigh* shaving is such a miserable experience, even with my Mach3 Power. I wish there was a depilatory that didn't melt my face. (enter genie). I only learned recently that a lot of shaving irritation may actually come from shaving the hair too close, so, 5 blades isn't sounding so sweet to me.

By: rand

rand — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 11:10:29 -0800

Only five blades? I'm thinking of a razor that will blow this five bladed beast out of the water. See, with some applied nanotechnology, why not make a million nano blades and put them onto a razor? Who's with me?

By: darkness

darkness — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 11:11:28 -0800

For some reason I'm reminded of wayyy back, when toilet paper was having a similar arms race and you had ads for 4 ply TP, everyone was hugging the bag, etc, etc.

By: lowlife

lowlife — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 11:30:19 -0800

This second aloe strip, it lathers?

By: rxrfrx

rxrfrx — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 11:37:31 -0800

I'm thinking of a razor that will blow this five bladed beast out of the water. See, with some applied nanotechnology, why not make a million nano blades and put them onto a razor? I think that's what they're alluding to by referring to the closely-spaced 5-blade contraption as a "shaving surface." We're getting there.

By: Faint of Butt

Faint of Butt — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 11:38:45 -0800

::strokes his bushy, luxurious beard and laughs at all of you::

By: bonaldi

bonaldi — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 11:41:14 -0800

There was an Onion caption last week saying that Katrina rescue helicopters had been refusing to pick up chicks unless they flashed their breasts. ... at the same time, a story saying the same thing was on BBC News. Funny world.

By: jefbla

jefbla — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 11:50:46 -0800

The Mach 3 is a damn fine razor, I hope they don't stop making it. I am not affiliated with Gillete.

By: dabitch

dabitch — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 11:51:46 -0800

There's been an advert here mocking the super-bladed ads where a man is trying to shave with something that has fifteen blades (and looks appropriately ludicrous). It ends with some happy line about "why complicate things?" and shows off the easy electric alternative. ;) So Gillette have already been made fun of, before that product even launched. I'm betting that right now, a media-buyer is buying up loads of airtime for that 15-blade ad-gag to run again.

By: raysmj

raysmj — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 11:53:10 -0800

Anything over two blades gives some of us nasty rashes. For a while there, I had to use single-blade razors, but the sensitive skin twin-blade ones are better now.

By: hellbient

hellbient — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 12:10:07 -0800

I'm holding out for one with an mp3 player. Or maybe mp4 or 5, or...

By: sour cream

sour cream — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 12:15:10 -0800

Now here's a business model that simply CAN NOT fail: 1. Patent the razor with seven blades (or if that's taken, eight). 2. Bide your time ... 3. Profit !!!

By: dabitch

dabitch — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 12:15:34 -0800

*moahahaha*

By: Fuzzy Monster

Fuzzy Monster — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 12:16:36 -0800

...with some applied nanotechnology, why not make a million nano blades and put them onto a razor? A Million Blades? Yo, sign me up! Then I guess I'd have to change my user name to "Smooth Cheeked Baby Faced Monster." On Preview: I'm holding out for one with an mp3 player. I bet they're not too far off. I'd also like a razor/waffle iron combo: shave and make breakfast at the same time. Now we're multitasking!

By: horsewithnoname

horsewithnoname — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 12:17:20 -0800

Lowlife, I just wanted you to know that your comment gladdened my heart. Yes. It's easily gladdened.

By: NationalKato

NationalKato — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 12:25:42 -0800

And just think of all the hairless, bleeding rabbits soon to be shamefully leaving the Gillette factory. Great job, Thumper!

By: Heywood Mogroot

Heywood Mogroot — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 12:36:10 -0800

as for electric, I've found a electric + razor approach works best. I tend to nick the shit out of my chin with a razor, yet electric grinds that area with ease. Electric does jack with the throat, but the razor slides over that area fine.

By: clevershark

clevershark — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 12:46:02 -0800

This is from the Onion story: "And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!" ...and this is from the real article: "It also has a single blade on the back of the cartridge for shaving sideburns or trimming under the nose." Sometimes life imitates satire just a tad too much, don't you think?

By: imaswinger

imaswinger — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 12:49:36 -0800

the mp3 razor was already spoofed on 'this hour has 22 minutes' or 'airfarce' I don't remember which one. (or I'm completely wrong and it was madTV or daily show or something). I don't remember the details but I remember being delightfully amused.

By: fixedgear

fixedgear — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 12:53:12 -0800

::strokes his bushy, luxurious beard and laughs at all of you:: Rubs his smooth shiny bald dome and smiles. Three is plenty and a noticable jump in performance from two, particularly for heads. I briefly flirted with four but there just wasn't enough gain to warrant the extra cost. Mach 3 good for legs, too.

By: Dormant Gorilla

Dormant Gorilla — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 12:53:32 -0800

...with some applied nanotechnology, why not make a million nano blades and put them onto a razor? Just wait a few months till the Gillette/Apple merger is announced. Several million infinitesimal blades cunningly rendered in a handy white carrying case. The smallest razor ever built by man, it will require special tongs to grasp the handle. It will cost 400 bucks, be obsolete in three weeks, but ooh! Shiny.

By: Kafkaesque

Kafkaesque — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 13:15:03 -0800

We need the Iron Maiden mask shaver, that is a mask whose inner surface is covered with blades. You just put it on, spin it a bit, take it off, and you're shaved. Bloody, but shaved Yeah, I'm waiting for the Gillette Googol-- anything else is for wimps. I'm personally waiting for the Gillette Gogol-- it's likely to shave off your nose.

By: numlok

numlok — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 13:25:10 -0800

about_time: Me too! I started using the Mach III, then "upped" to the Mach III turbo, then "upped" to the M3 Power. I still managed to get razor burn up the wazoo (and elsewhere). I then read that MSNBC article, bought the Merkur Vision, followed their advice, and have never looked back. I now get a ridiculously close shave, no nicks, and no burn (honestly). It is admittedly a lot to plunk down for a razor, but I truly know that this will be used (and last) for my entire life. I'm already looking forward to passing it down to my son as well. Couple that with the ludicrous cost of these new multiple-blade cartridges versus standard double-edges, and it seems a no-brainer.

By: mystyk

mystyk — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 13:29:36 -0800

Why is this mentioned the very day I (dry)shaved my full-beard off in a hurry so I could report for an army physical fitness test.

By: Smedleyman

Smedleyman — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 13:39:44 -0800

This stuff reminds me of street guys in Vegas (et. al, they're ubiquitous) selling "Rolex" watches. Especially the vibrating blades. What am I that stupid? My beard is so thick it's insectoid. Yet I have sensitive skin. In boot camp they gave us these cheapo-Bic single blade razors. I kept getting giged for not shaving. Pissed me off because I couldn't bring my straight razor with me (it's a weapon...you can think about that one for a bit) so the DIs are eyeballing my chin whiskers telling me how sloppy I am while the hair on my knuckles and my unibrow are growing fast enough to be seen by the naked eye. I like my shavin' the way I like my music - old timey. Just call me Mr.Blonde I guess.

By: ?!

?! — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 13:49:12 -0800

My shaver just trims my beard. I have no idea how many blades she uses. I just lay back, eyes closed, relaxed. The triple track razor was SNL October 11, 75. "The three-blade razor is designed for people who'll believe anything they see." I never use the mach razors because they just don't fit my medicine cabinet. The disposal slot is just too thin.

By: aladfar

aladfar — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 14:06:31 -0800

Just wanted to weigh in with another vote for old school, single bladed safety razors. That MSNBC article got me interested in giving them a try and I can't imagine ever going back. Significantly more comfortable. Sucks to this multiple blade nonsense!

By: ParisParamus

ParisParamus — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 14:31:48 -0800

The best shave for me is the original Sensor; not even the Sensor Excel, which was/is a definite step downward.

By: ParisParamus

ParisParamus — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 14:34:16 -0800

What, is there some kind of Moore's Law for razors? I DON'T THINK SO.

By: bachelor#3

bachelor#3 — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 14:43:50 -0800

Despite that, I don't really see how 5 blades can be better than 3, even though 3 blades is clearly better than 2. What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende?

By: Wolfdog

Wolfdog — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 14:59:54 -0800

Thank you, Kafkaesque. That was awesome.

By: arto

arto — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 16:20:42 -0800

What, is there some kind of Moore's Law for razors? I DON'T THINK SO. I wish. Then I could afford the Mach 3. This is why I resist any further advances in shaving technology--I really don't need another expensive grooming habit.

By: ackeber

ackeber — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 16:25:09 -0800

why are girl razors still stuck on three?? we shave a lot more surface area than men, and some places more sensitive than a mans face. i wont be satisfied until i get at least five blades on a PINK handle plz.

By: Secret Life of Gravy

Secret Life of Gravy — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 16:31:28 -0800

I think it's time we take our best scientists off toothbrush and razor blade research and have them focus on our energy problems. posted by any major dude at 2:05 PM EST Fuck the energy problems! I need a toothbrush that will whiten my teeth, floss my gums, AND make my lips plumper and fuller. I need a shampoo that will leave my hair as glossy as a mirror, cleaner than a surgeon's instruments, softer than a baby's behind AND smelling like the redwood forest. I need a deoderant that will dry my armpits, suck out my arm fat, remove unsightly moles, AND increase my I.Q.

By: MikeKD

MikeKD — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 16:51:17 -0800

Am I the only one here who uses an electric? No, I'm with you darkness. In fact I just changed the heads on my Norelco for the first time in 7.5 years. (And, god, was that shave nice.)

By: pokeydonut

pokeydonut — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 17:21:37 -0800

Speaking of prescient SNL sketches, see this one from just before the 2000 election depicting a two-week-old Bush presidency in which everything has gone to hell, the Great Lakes are on fire, and being the president is "too hard."

By: Joseph Gurl

Joseph Gurl — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 17:24:11 -0800

double-edge safety razor, shaving brush = superclean shave & no pain. I also ended my occasional adult-acne when I made the switch in college. Subsequently all my roommates followed me over. Really. 5 blades? That's like eating breafast every day with the spoon in a swiss-army knife.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 17:24:56 -0800

Sweet Lord, just how close does a shave need to be? And why do we even bother dragging a sharp metal object across our faces every fucking day? I woke up late and didn't bother shaving this morning and I doubt it made of lick of difference in terms of my life or that of the universe. We just shave to pretend we arent animals. Our faces are supposed to be hairy, dammit. Let it grow and embrace the barbarian within.

By: MrMoonPie

MrMoonPie — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 18:01:17 -0800

In the previous thread on the subject, I linked to my invention, the MrMoonPie OneStroke.

By: orange swan

orange swan — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 18:03:51 -0800

Speaking of The Onion coming to life, my all time favourite incidence of that was soon after the 9/11 issue, which featured a woman baking an American flag cake because she was so upset after the tragedy and couldn't think of anything else to do. I was grocery shopping about a month later and in the store they were playing the Delilah radio show over the P.A. A woman called to Delilah to tell her she'd made an American flag afghan after 9/11. I laughed so hard I damn near fell into my cart.

By: filmgeek

filmgeek — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 18:08:46 -0800

SNL years and years ago, when gilette announced two blades, made a parody with 3. Then when 3 came about...they did one with five...or I think ten. Suprisingly, again, it was SNL. I just dont' have the patience to search the SNL archives.

By: five fresh fish

five fresh fish — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 19:22:27 -0800

I don't quite understand this shaving in the morning thing. My thinking is that one wants to shave in the evening, when one's honey is going to most appreciate the smooth upper lip and chin against sensitive flesh...

By: bingo

bingo — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 20:23:13 -0800

I don't quite understand this shaving in the morning thing. Oh, that. It has to do with working in an office. Anyway, if it gets any better than the Mach 3 already is, it's basically magic, as far as I'm concerned. I'll buy it. Heck, I would be willing to pre-order it.

By: login

>>double-edge safety razor, shaving brush = superclean shave & no pain You got it Joseph. Safety razors are the cat's ass.. I use an old (The patent date on it says 1932) Gillette single-blade razor. If I buy good blades, and don't let it near anyone's legs, it gives a flawless shave.

By: lagavulin

lagavulin — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 00:55:11 -0800

Metafilter: Embrace the Barbarian Within

By: bouncebounce

bouncebounce — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 01:13:41 -0800

Put me down for the wetshave. I switched to brush and cream a couple of years ago and I'll never go back. When I'm in a rush I tend not to bother because it is a little more time consuming, but I love the ritual of it all.

By: moonbiter

moonbiter — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 02:20:50 -0800

I just shave while showering, without cream or brush. I started this because shaving creams alwasy seemed to give me a skin rash. Just few minutes of warm/hot water moving over the skin. Doesn't work so well with single-blade disposables, but with the 2- and 3-blade razors with adjustable heads it works just fine. But a 5-blade razor? Not sure what the benefit of that is supposed to be, except to make Gillette lots of money.

By: biffa

biffa — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 03:03:08 -0800

I wish I could figure out how to take the first four blades off these things and just use the one that shaves closest of all.

By: anagrama

anagrama — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 04:05:02 -0800

Shit. I agree with ParisParamus about something.

By: voltairemodern

voltairemodern — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 06:11:02 -0800

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them. Oh my god, why must the Onion always be so scathingly accurate. Sometimes it makes me want to cry.

By: Bdave

Bdave — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 08:04:49 -0800

BOYZONE

By: Pdubby

Pdubby — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 09:42:52 -0800

Quick! Someone find a link to a cartoon from Mad Magazine over 20 years ago where they parodied the same thing. (I think Wired had a portion of the 'toon in an issue a few months back.)

By: majick

majick — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 09:55:20 -0800

"I wish there was a depilatory that didn't melt my face. (enter genie)." POOF! Magic Powder. Works above and below. Smells like the inside of a duck, but damn it works.

By: Smedleyman

Smedleyman — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 10:57:43 -0800

Metafilter: Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, hear the lamentation of their women. Mad Magazine had something akin to a googolrazor shaver - you hold it at either end and drag it across your face.

By: numlok

numlok — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 12:17:47 -0800

Pdubby: Here's that Wired article. Also, here's the cover and summary of every issue of Mad Magazine (the Space Age Razor Race was from issue #208)

By: MrMoonPie

MrMoonPie — Fri, 16 Sep 2005 09:06:15 -0800

Cool, numlock. I vividly remember my brother buying the first UPC-bearing issue.

By: hellbient

hellbient — Mon, 19 Sep 2005 23:31:10 -0800

surely there's a chart somewhere that correlates the increase in the number of blades in Western culture with the increase in the number of US enemies...