"Honey, it's work related, I swear!"

September 20, 2005 1:02 PM

Want to watch porn for a living?The FBI might have a job for you. Yes, AG Gonzales is launching a crackdown on porn -- the "consenting adults" kind. After all, it worked so well for Ed Meese's legacy. The memo specifically mentions "sadistic and masochistic behavior" -- isn't it ironic that that DoJ could soon be bringing charges against people who take pictures of acts which the Attorney General has stated were perfectly legal when carried out in Guantanamo Bay?
posted by clevershark (82 comments total)

This is my surprised face.

Why don't christian fundies just stop having sex if they're so god damned afraid of it? The problem would take care of itself from that point onward.
posted by wakko at 1:05 PM on September 20, 2005

Remember that the difference between porn and erotica is just better lighting, and they have bigger flood lights in Gitmo.
posted by Rothko at 1:05 PM on September 20, 2005

Good to know the war on terror is over and we no longer need to devote resources to it.

Onward to the War On Smut!

John Asscraft was right! Cover those boobies!
posted by nofundy at 1:06 PM on September 20, 2005

Oh, I hadn't realized that the "prisoners" at Guantanamo were only consensually at a BDSM camp. Here I'd thought they were actually being beaten against their will.

The safe word is peaches.
posted by Pollomacho at 1:06 PM on September 20, 2005

Ironic in that they believe they're above the law? Yeah, its ironic.
posted by fenriq at 1:07 PM on September 20, 2005

[this will fail miserably]
posted by wakko at 1:09 PM on September 20, 2005

Liberals should be ashamed of this exploitative filth, which preys on women who are in desperate need of money.

Conservatives should be ashamed that they're once again abandoning true conservative positions, and instead advocating a Christian nanny state.
posted by I Love Tacos at 1:13 PM on September 20, 2005

Liberals should be ashamed of this exploitative filth, which preys on women who are in desperate need of money.

Men make porn too.

What's to be ashamed of? It's just penises and vaginas.
posted by wakko at 1:15 PM on September 20, 2005

Botero's Abu Ghraib paintings (NSFW)
posted by matteo at 1:19 PM on September 20, 2005

When you talk about Ed Meese's legacy, this is what I think of:

"I don't know of any authoritative figures that there are hungry children. I've heard a lot of anecdotal stuff, but I haven't heard any authoritative figures...I think some people are going to soup kitchens voluntarily. I know we've had considerable information that people go to soup kitchens because the food is free and that that's easier than paying for it...I think that they have money."
posted by the Real Dan at 1:24 PM on September 20, 2005

MEESE IS A PIG!!
posted by fet at 1:26 PM on September 20, 2005

wakko, they're ashamed because they've been brainwashed to believe that pleasure is shameful.

Sucks for them.

Pass the lube.
posted by fenriq at 1:26 PM on September 20, 2005

I'm willing to work pro bono.
posted by plexiwatt at 1:27 PM on September 20, 2005

Liberals should be ashamed of this exploitative filth, which preys on women who are in desperate need of money....posted by I Love Tacos.

But probably not fish tacos.
posted by billysumday at 1:27 PM on September 20, 2005

they can have my porn when they rip it from my cold dead hands
posted by psmealey at 1:28 PM on September 20, 2005

Hey ... the Meese Report was world class filth! More! More!
posted by R. Mutt at 1:28 PM on September 20, 2005

It's just penises and vaginas.

Exactly!
posted by I Love Tacos at 1:29 PM on September 20, 2005

It's just penises and vaginas

Where are the paddles, and the nipple clamps?!
posted by Megafly at 1:33 PM on September 20, 2005

> isn't it ironic

No, it's not ironic.

When evidence that the U.S. government engages in torture is, by definition, pornography -- only pornographers will have evidence.

Anyone who claims to have such evidence is admitting to possession of pornography.

If you had no evil thoughts, you would have no worries.

What Al Quaeda hates is our freedom. Once that's gotten rid of, they will stop hating us.
posted by hank at 1:35 PM on September 20, 2005

Liberals should be ashamed of this exploitative filth, which preys on women who are in desperate need of money.

Yes, it's sad how the small number of people who need money are taken advantage of by the people who don't need money.
posted by delmoi at 1:39 PM on September 20, 2005

Liberals should be ashamed of this exploitative filth, which preys on women who are in desperate need of money.

I agree that probably the majority of women in porn would like to have a better job. But the same can be said of lots of other jobs. I don't think a porn actress is any more exploited than, for example, a migrant (illegal alien) farm worker.
posted by darkness at 1:39 PM on September 20, 2005

Q: Why did Jesus die on the cross?

A: He forgot the safeword.
posted by fandango_matt at 1:59 PM on September 20, 2005

How do I get this job again?
posted by klangklangston at 2:05 PM on September 20, 2005

How do I get this job again?

Use your hand.
posted by NationalKato at 2:08 PM on September 20, 2005

Actually, there are quite a lot of porn actricies, and even prostitutes, who are quite happy with their job. Once such prefessions are dominated by legal operators, said operators must play it quite nice in order to keep it legal. Furthermore, they profit from making the traditional illegal competition seem as illegal as possible.
posted by jeffburdges at 2:09 PM on September 20, 2005

PEACHES! PEACHES!!!
posted by loquacious at 2:17 PM on September 20, 2005

they can have my porn when they rip it from my cold dead hands

shouldn't that be "hand?"
posted by Griffins_posse at 2:25 PM on September 20, 2005

Now Jesus, it's a little late for that...
posted by InfidelZombie at 2:25 PM on September 20, 2005

they can have my porn when they rip it from my cold dead hands

Given the amount of astroglide on them I suspect it'll pull free pretty easy.
posted by phearlez at 2:36 PM on September 20, 2005

America adores violence, is terrified of sex.

Brando in Apocalypse:
They train young men to drop fire on people. But their commanders won't allow them to write f*** on their airplanes because it's obscene.
posted by minkll at 2:36 PM on September 20, 2005

What minkll said
posted by darkness at 2:43 PM on September 20, 2005

What minkll said except using the word "fuck."
posted by eyeballkid at 2:55 PM on September 20, 2005

How do I get this job again?

I'm already doing it pro boner..um er...bono... yikes.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 2:56 PM on September 20, 2005

They can have my porn when they rip it from my hot, sticky hands.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 3:01 PM on September 20, 2005

Thanks for finishing the joke for me, phearlez. Damn, I'm lazy today.
posted by psmealey at 3:09 PM on September 20, 2005

Yeah. Because if we ban porn, women will no longer be exploited ever! Yay!!

They just keep inching the line over on the bill of rights don't they?

Actually, it doesn't bother me that much. Anti-pornography campaigns are outstanding for feeding revolutions.
Keep it coming DOJ!
posted by Smedleyman at 3:13 PM on September 20, 2005

I had a roommate who watched porn for a living, he worked for N2H2 the filtering company that made filters for computers that went into schools and libraries. He got to sit at a computer and surf porn for about seven bucks an hour. I would get email with the subject lines of sites he had looked at [and usually blocked]. All time fave: shiteatinggypsies.com [apparently no longer hosted, imagine!]
posted by jessamyn at 3:22 PM on September 20, 2005

On the other side of the coin, remember this?

The DOJ said they were going to appeal, but I haven't found any record of them actually filing for appeal yet.
posted by darkness at 3:24 PM on September 20, 2005

actricies - a cross between "actress" and "atrocities." See "Madonna."
posted by wsg at 3:25 PM on September 20, 2005

The memo specifically mentions "sadistic and masochistic behavior" -- isn't it ironic that that DoJ could soon be bringing charges against people who take pictures of acts which the Attorney General has stated were perfectly legal when carried out in Guantanamo Bay?

No.

I'm not saying there isn't irony here, I'm saying that you're wrong. What Gonzalez authorized at Gitmo is torture. What people do in bdsm videos is, well, bdsm. You don't think there's a difference between the two? Okay... how about this: You have a choice between spending a weekend down in Cuba as a guest of the US government (being treated in exactly the same way that they treat other "detainees") or spending a weekend with a top from, say, your choice of insex.com [NSFW] or meninpain.com [NSFW]. I choose these two because they have some of the most extreme S&M I've seen on the pay sites; I figure that gives Gitmo a sporting chance.

So which do you choose?

That's what I thought.

Because anyone with an ounce of sense realizes that there's a world of difference between the two sets of activities. If you would like me to go into detail on this, I can. We can talk about the types of restraints used at Gitmo versus the types of restraints used in one of these commercial bdsm sessions. We can talk about differences in the implements used, techniques employed, safety precautions taken, severity of injuries suffered, emotional/psychological effects and, of course, the victim/submissive's rights. And so on and so forth. But I don't think we need to do that, because, as I said, the difference is obvious to anyone with a brain.

Besides, Gonzalez has stood by and done nothing to prevent (or has actively aided) murder on a terrifying scale. Even if there were actual snuff films available for download, they wouldn't compare to the shit he's let happen. Not unless they depicted the murders of thousands of women and children.
posted by Clay201 at 3:36 PM on September 20, 2005

shiteatinggypsies.com

??????????????????????
posted by matteo at 3:44 PM on September 20, 2005

They can have my porn when they dig it out from under a pile of cold dead women and children.
posted by palinode at 3:46 PM on September 20, 2005

Liberals should be ashamed of this exploitative filth, which preys on women who are in desperate need of money.

First of all, if you took a poll of the political leanings of patrons of any given strip clubs I'm sure the Bush voter would outnumber the Kerry voter by at least 2 to 1 and second, why are conservative politicians not ashamed of the glorified multinational corporations they accept money from who prey upon women in sweatshops in Central America and Asia?
posted by any major dude at 3:47 PM on September 20, 2005

Yeah. Because if we ban porn, women will no longer be exploited ever! Yay!!

Egads. Don't make me defend this shitty initiative just to slam your crappy argument.
posted by dreamsign at 3:47 PM on September 20, 2005

Man, I'm tired of going out to those crazy shit-eating gypsy clubs.
posted by palinode at 3:47 PM on September 20, 2005

I actually got paid to look at porn once. The library I worked at was testing different filters and I was on the testing team. I mean I could look at it if I made it through one of the filters, but I couldn't really revel in it, I think if I had started clicking through on pages, taking free tours, etc. management would have taken a dim view. If I was the sort of person to do that, I mean.
posted by marxchivist at 3:50 PM on September 20, 2005

Clay201:
Besides, Gonzalez has stood by and done nothing to prevent (or has actively aided) murder on a terrifying scale. Even if there were actual snuff films available for download, they wouldn't compare to the shit he's let happen. Not unless they depicted the murders of thousands of women and children.

Just curious, which women and children were you referring to? Did you mean the war in Iraq? 'Cause if I were a troll, I might start nit-picking that argument. I'm not trying to slam you or anything. Just saying...
posted by pieisexactlythree at 3:57 PM on September 20, 2005

But Gonzales endorses the rationale of predecessor Meese: that adult pornography is a threat to families and children.

Could someone explain the train of thought behind this conclusion? I hate the whole porn=bad! issue, but I'd like to better understand it.
posted by hopeless romantique at 4:00 PM on September 20, 2005

pieisexactly:

Yes, the war in Iraq. However, there are plenty of other places in the world where we either have troops deployed or we arm and train forces to kill people. So there are plenty of other possibilities here.
posted by Clay201 at 4:04 PM on September 20, 2005

Vagina greater threat than Osama
posted by amberglow at 4:09 PM on September 20, 2005

From the article:

"I guess this means we've won the war on terror," said one exasperated FBI agent, speaking on the condition of anonymity because poking fun at headquarters is not regarded as career-enhancing. "We must not need any more resources for espionage."

Among friends and trusted colleagues, an experienced national security analyst said, "it's a running joke for us."

A few of the printable samples:

"Things I Don't Want On My Resume, Volume Four."

"I already gave at home."

"Honestly, most of the guys would have to recuse themselves."

posted by kirkaracha at 4:13 PM on September 20, 2005

Clay, I'd stay a way from that argument if I were you. Gonzales is definitely morally implicated in those deaths you refer to. However, under current legal precedent, war is not the same as murder. Whether or not it should be is a red herring.
posted by pieisexactlythree at 4:19 PM on September 20, 2005

I like the mining of watermelon seeds and mowing of the kiwis.
posted by wsg at 4:22 PM on September 20, 2005

oops...wrong thread. heh-heh
posted by wsg at 4:23 PM on September 20, 2005

And here I thought I was about to learn a few new and exciting euphemisms, wsg.
posted by ook at 4:31 PM on September 20, 2005

At the FBI's field office, spokeswoman Debra Weierman expressed disappointment that some of her colleagues find grist for humor in the new campaign.
Maybe it's the squad cars.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 4:41 PM on September 20, 2005

weapons-grade pandemonium, thanks, that made my day.
posted by fenriq at 4:49 PM on September 20, 2005

hopeless romantique - If you haven't been indoctrinated into the conservative Christian belief that pleasure == sin, then it will never make sense. Ultimately, that is the axiom from which everything else flows.

But, the trainwreck of illogic is something like this:

All of man's sexual urges are evil and must be repressed. All sex is evil unless specifically done to create children. Porn, on the other hand, encourages promiscuity and evil laviciousness. (that's a great word, BTW. Find ways to use it in different contexts!) Watching porn will make men and women want to do nothing but pleasure themselves all day instead of grovelling before their angry god and giving the Church the 10% of their wages it has earned. Worse, children witnessing porn will instantly become sex-crazed monsters who fornicate endlessly while using birth control. Thus, they will never get married, and the traditional family as we know it will be destroyed, so no one will have babies, and Satan will rule the planet as our entire species dies out from masturbation-induced depletion. (and this last bit, you see, absolutely MUST be said in a rush or else people might question it.)

And that is pretty much how the argument goes.
posted by InnocentBystander at 4:50 PM on September 20, 2005

How do I get this job again?

Why do you want a job where you spend all day looking at tools and are expected to never pick up your hammer ?
posted by Rubbstone at 5:16 PM on September 20, 2005

Maybe it's the squad cars.

Uh...Drivers Wanted?
posted by gimonca at 5:47 PM on September 20, 2005

As a Conservative Christian I'd just like to point out this wasn't my idea and I don't condone it.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 6:17 PM on September 20, 2005

I think InnocentBystander does a nice summation of the anti-porn argument, which I think is undermined because many of the politicians who espouse it are philanderers, adulterers, or are having professional buttfuckers-cum-"journalists" make White House booty calls.
posted by kirkaracha at 6:52 PM on September 20, 2005

Rubbstone: I have a feeling that bathroom and cigarette breaks are common.
Oh, and best fake porn site name from a Law & Order episode? "Baronmuchhumping.com"
posted by klangklangston at 7:20 PM on September 20, 2005

meet a porn-store owning imbecile who soon will be getting a rude awakening-- ... ...
posted by amberglow at 8:27 PM on September 20, 2005

pieisexactlythree

Actually, as I understand the law, it says that the international agreements signed by the United States government are legally binding. And I believe we've signed treaties in which we have promised to let the U.N. resolve our international disputes. Well, as you will probably recall, the U.N. didn't authorize the invasion of Iraq. Therefore, our invasion our own laws.
posted by Clay201 at 8:41 PM on September 20, 2005

Therefore, our invasion violates our own laws.
posted by Clay201 at 8:42 PM on September 20, 2005

I think Clay201 is right that the government's not excited about what our friends are doing in their bedrooms having fun with BDSM.

But I think the government _does_ think that torture is pornography -- they know it when they do it.

Arthur Clarke could have been describing what we've heard about, if not seen, from Abu Ghirab and Guantanamo prison practices when he wrote "I Remember Babylon" --

And some people get excited by it -- some in our government, apparently.

Clarke put it:
QUOTE
""Please don’t think," he said anxiously, "that sex is our only weapon. .... some really unique material that cost us exactly nothing. Do you remember the photographic evidence the Nuremburg war trials turned up? You’ve never seen it..... Some of them were hanged on the testimony of their own cameras, but their work wasn’t wasted. It will lead nicely into our series ‘Torture Through the Ages’—very scholarly and thorough, yet with a remarkably wide appeal…"

"... and the country will love it, despite all the screams from Congress and the churches. Not to mention the networks, of course. They’ll make the biggest fuss of all, when they find they can’t compete with us."

END
posted by hank at 9:14 PM on September 20, 2005

Yeah. Because if we ban porn, women will no longer be exploited ever! Yay!!
Egads. Don't make me defend this shitty initiative just to slam your crappy argument.
posted by dreamsign at 3:47 PM PST on September 20 [!]



Main Entry: fa·ce·tious
Pronunciation: f&-'sE-sh&s
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle French facetieux, from facetie jest, from Latin facetia
1 : joking or jesting often inappropriately : WAGGISH; just being facetious
2 : meant to be humorous or funny : not serious; a facetious remark

- As opposed to the 'squad cars' post from weapons-grade pandemonium which was just balls out funny.
posted by Smedleyman at 10:05 PM on September 20, 2005

Maybe it's the squad cars.

W.T.F.
posted by kosher_jenny at 10:07 PM on September 20, 2005

69 comments total

I am so sorry.
posted by MillMan at 10:15 PM on September 20, 2005

darkness: Free Speech Coalition has the appeal brief at the Third Circuit. It was filed April 11, 2005.
posted by dhartung at 10:29 PM on September 20, 2005

They can have my porn when they take it from my cold, dead 2.5 TB RAID 5 array.
posted by Darkman at 10:54 PM on September 20, 2005

Hell, I'm lookin' at porn right now. I wanna get paid.
posted by Smedleyman at 11:18 PM on September 20, 2005

I can't wait for the inevitable porn movie about two FBI agents who look at and investigate porn and have sex with aliens. Possible title: The XXX-Files.
posted by fandango_matt at 11:28 PM on September 20, 2005

The XXX-Files.

Funny!

I'm thinking the X-files theme with a heavy '70s bass riff.
posted by Smedleyman at 12:11 AM on September 21, 2005

shiteatinggypsies.com

??????????????????????

I think you mean


posted by mr.marx at 2:27 AM on September 21, 2005

"Maybe it's the squad cars."

Is that one of those "auto eroticas" I've heard so much about? :-)
posted by clevershark at 4:35 AM on September 21, 2005

I already watch porn for a living.
posted by davros42 at 11:03 AM on September 21, 2005

No, Smeds, more like sarcasm.

Which a reasonable interpretation would render as:

"Because if we ban porn, women will no longer be exploited ever! Yay!!"

=

"Exploitation will still occur, even if porn is banned, regardless of whether or not porn exploits women"

Sorry to spoil your "joke", but that's never a good reason for tackling one ill -- that it fails to cure other causes of the same ill. And I hear that kind of tripe all the time, so excuse me if you actually intend to sound funnier than you are.

ie: I agree that this is stupid, but not for the stupid reason/joke you seem to be offering. Glad you know how to use a dictionary, though. That's a good start.
posted by dreamsign at 7:20 AM on September 22, 2005

Although I agree with the psychoanalysis of the Christian bias against pleasures of the flesh, I don't think it's entirely fair to evaluate their arguments on the basis of that psychoanlysis and not on its literal merits.

The more literal, less mind-reading argument is that Christians don't like porn because they don't like adultery and fornication and they argue that it promotes it. Indeed, a Christian sex-positive argument against porn would be that sex within the union of marriage, which is sacred as some sort of analog or representation of the relationship between man/church and Jesus, is profaned in a way that turns something Good into something Bad when it's outside the context of marriage.

However, the reason that I think the psychoanalysis is correct is because both Judaism and Christianity share the basic view of sex vis a vis man's relationship to God, and yet Judaism is much more sex-positive than Christianity because it truly does celebrate sexually within the narrowly-defined acceptable confines. But Christianity seems hostile to sexuality in general, and for that we can thank Paul and, later, the Protestants.

Even so, there are Christians who are sex-positive and oppose the body alienation of Christianity and who, nevertheless, would still be against most porn.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 7:25 AM on September 22, 2005

"Sorry to spoil your 'joke', but that's never a good reason for tackling one ill -- that it fails to cure other causes of the same ill."

Yes, but the same exact ridicule makes a salient point when the strategy being ridiculed is arguably a red herring. (Or substitute a better expression than "red herring", because it sucks. You know what I mean.)
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 7:28 AM on September 22, 2005

http://www.salon.com/politics/war_room/index.html?blog=/politics/war_room/2005/09/21/ntfu/index.html

the folks at a Web site called Now That's Fucked Up have another idea: They're offering U.S. troops free access to amateur porn in exchange for soldiers' photos from the war.

.... close-up, gore-for-gore's-sake photos of body parts posted at Now That's Fucked Up. ...NTFU offers a picture depicting what's left of the head of a man shot with a .50-caliber weapon next to the words "I'm just here to masturbate" and above an ad for a Web site offering video of a mother and her daughter in a three-way sex act.
posted by hank at 8:39 AM on September 22, 2005