Killer military dolphins on the loose!

September 25, 2005 1:30 PM

Killer military dolphins on the loose!From the farce department: The Observer reports that "Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico."

36 dolphins trained under the US Navy's Cetacean Intelligence Mission escaped from their training pools in post-Katrina flooding. Prior to Katrina, the Navy always denied traning dolphins to fire guns and blowdarts underwater. Conspiracy theorists, however, claimed the military was training dolphins to attack enemy divers with blowguns. Apparently, the tin-foil hat brigade was right on this one, as the Navy confirmed they were training dolphins "for offensive warfare".

And in related news, Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs.
posted by huskerdont (35 comments total)

Who needs thumbs when you have a prehensile penis?
posted by clevershark at 1:43 PM on September 25, 2005

Shoot. The experiment with bomb-carrying bats was so encouraging.

Captain Carr reported tersely that "testing was concluded . . . when a fire destroyed a large portion of the test material." He did not mention that, in one test, a village simulating Japanese structures burned to the ground. Nor did he state that a careless handler had left a door open and some bats escaped with live incendiaries aboard and set fire to a hangar and a general's car.

posted by Wolfdog at 1:45 PM on September 25, 2005

I learned something interesting about the spout on a gas can after a few clicks from clevershark's link.
posted by Wolfdog at 1:48 PM on September 25, 2005

It's surprising how often the so-called "tin foil hat conspiracists" prove to actually have been right all along.
posted by clevershark at 1:48 PM on September 25, 2005

I don't see how anyone's been proven to be right here... There's no evidence and no confirmation of any sort. Just a questionable "expert" making a far-out statement.
posted by glider at 1:57 PM on September 25, 2005

Leo Sheridan's talked about armed dolphins before.
posted by substrate at 1:58 PM on September 25, 2005

Personally, when I'm rich I'll put my efforts into splicing dinosaur genes with octopus genes. Large intelligent mollusks capable of natural camouflage wielding razor sharp teeth. Sharks with lasers or dolphins with blow guns will shit themselves.
posted by substrate at 2:02 PM on September 25, 2005

It's surprising how often the so-called "tin foil hat conspiracists" prove to actually have been right all along.

More to come!
posted by augustweed at 2:06 PM on September 25, 2005

They'd better have frikkin' laser beams on their heads too...
posted by marvin at 2:07 PM on September 25, 2005

So are these dolphins hooked on junk so they can be controlled? ... and do they vibrate?
posted by PurplePorpoise at 2:09 PM on September 25, 2005

this is not the first military animal fuck up check out russian anti-tank dogs.
posted by stilgar at 2:09 PM on September 25, 2005

the animal in the trenches has a long history. Maybe Flipper will end up here, too?
posted by Bravocharlie at 2:13 PM on September 25, 2005

And how are these anti-terrorist dolphins supposed to intercept the terrorist-trained camels with explosive humps?

Hmmm? Hmmm? Hmmm? Hmmm?
posted by reality at 2:15 PM on September 25, 2005

The real question is if these dolphins were taught to target people fitting a profile, or were they trained to use random selection. Watch the news for an 83 year old nun being attacked at the beach.
posted by Atreides at 2:15 PM on September 25, 2005

As a tinfoiler of sorts, I feel obligated to point out the very real, but unused "pigeon bomb".

Another picture.
posted by kingfisher, his musclebound cat at 2:20 PM on September 25, 2005

Oh and tinfoil hats keep aliens from locating you at night to prevent abductions. Those of us with a degree of paranoia about the government, military-industrial complex, and international corporations, are free wander and sleep with our blowing in the HAARP-controlled winds.
(Ah, I don't believe the weather-control stuff. Just couldn't let it slide.)
posted by kingfisher, his musclebound cat at 2:23 PM on September 25, 2005

No need to worry, I'm sure the killer dolphins can be controlled via the microchip grafted to their cerebellum, like the rest of us.
posted by disgruntled at 3:15 PM on September 25, 2005

The late John Lilly did the pioneering research with dolphins on interspecies communication for the Navy, they tried to use them in Vietnam but the dolphins went AWOL . Lilly also worked with LSD and sensory deprivation also... said that humans were not intellegent enough to understand what dolphins have to tell us.
posted by hortense at 4:17 PM on September 25, 2005

Hey, that's cool. Maybe they'll turn into an elite squad of dolphin freedom fighters, conducting strikes against fishing boats.
posted by mkultra at 4:19 PM on September 25, 2005

"Ha! Insane theories one, regular theories a billion!" -Philip J. Fry
posted by clevershark at 4:19 PM on September 25, 2005

Revolutionary Armed Dolphin Brigade! Freedom! freedom will be ours. (squeak squeak).
posted by punkbitch at 4:54 PM on September 25, 2005

> he navy launched the classified Cetacean Intelligence Mission
> in San Diego in 1989

Well, in 1967, when I spent a marine biology summer college session in California, the dolphin researcher who talked to our class told me I should give up any notion of doing dolphin research since I had already participated in antiwar activity. He said he and several other dolphin researchers who met at a bar during a research gathering had been telling dolphin stories -- all careful about how much they said, because they all had military research grants and serious nondisclosure requirements.

One team had been teaching dolphins hand signals and voice signals, and studying the learning process. Another had been studying echolocation and material identification, using metal plates of unusual metals on steel hulls as identification targets. One group had been teaching dolphins to wear backpacks.

And one group had been teaching dolphins to play tag by banging on ship hulls in particular spots.

Then one of the researchers mentioned a particular favorite animal with a crescent-moon scar over one eye.

All the others recognized her, and started comparing notes on timing.

The Navy was, according to this researcher, bringing a small group of dolphins to each of these separate research programs for a period of time to learn one task, then taking them away, to the next group.

The task -- as they figured out the timeline of training -- summed up to animals trained for this:

Wear the backpack. Go with the divers. Follow directions. Find the ship. Check the ship. Look for the metal plate. If not found, tag it by banging on the hull.

His guess -- either attaching a limpet mine, or -- for some big serious target -- just blowing up, dolphin and all. No way to know for sure.

I agreed that I was not likely to get involved with dolphin research. He said he wasn't planning on staying with it either.

Take it for what it's worth. Back then, I couldn't check on the info, don't remember the name. Maybe someone will recognize the story and it'll come out.
posted by hank at 6:33 PM on September 25, 2005

I prefer titanium foil for all my conspiracy needs. <;)
posted by hortense at 6:39 PM on September 25, 2005

Some time back there was a television program on this subject. Part of the research was said to be involved in studying the "neural net" methods dolphins use to locate something in the water. The hope was that sonar processing could be programed to immitate their ability.

The more disturbing part of the story was how the Navy regularly trained the dolphins to "play tag" with divers. They would be rewarded for locating a diver and tagging him with the nosecone they wore. Hmmmmmm . . .
posted by ahimsakid at 7:24 PM on September 25, 2005

George C. Scott did a movie about kind of like this in 1973 called Day of the Dolphin.
posted by Mr_Zero at 7:51 PM on September 25, 2005

Did the dolphins say "so long and thanks for all the fish" before they disappeared? If so, I'm heading for my bunker.
posted by iconomy at 8:05 PM on September 25, 2005

I, for one, welcome our dolphin overlords.

Really, it's for humanitarian missions. Trust us, we're the military...
posted by AspectRatio at 8:07 PM on September 25, 2005

AspectRatio writes "I, for one, welcome our dolphin overlords."

So that's your proverbial "dolphin with a freakin' laser beam on its fin"?
posted by clevershark at 8:19 PM on September 25, 2005

Metafilter: dolphins with blow guns will shit themselves

(That was my first MeFi in joke attempt. Please be kind.)
posted by brundlefly at 9:59 PM on September 25, 2005

Also, Matt Groening's Simpsons had a Night of the Dolphins.
posted by Bravocharlie at 3:09 AM on September 26, 2005

Money wasted on military research? There's a first time for everything!
posted by asok at 3:24 AM on September 26, 2005

ISTR that during WW II, somebody tried to train sea gulls to crap on submarine periscopes for the US Navy. I would've liked to have seen the expressions on the faces of the Navy officers who visited the program on-site to check on progress.
posted by alumshubby at 5:02 AM on September 26, 2005

> WW II

Could be you're mis-remembering using trained pigeons as guidance systems for glide bombs -- which worked, but was not funded because all the research money was going to some black operation called the "Manhattan Project."

The info there is cited as found here.
posted by hank at 11:14 AM on September 26, 2005

Hank Hill better not be going to the beach anytime soon. Those dolphins just love him.
Fish? Did I hear someone say (thanks for the) fish?
posted by nofundy at 12:30 PM on September 26, 2005

Time was when an angry dolphin would simply bust a carp in your ass...
posted by LinusMines at 1:40 PM on September 26, 2005