Because I Met GWB Once and Now I want to be an Ambassador

October 10, 2005 4:26 PM

CronyJobs.com
"Apply" now to secure a lucrative career both decrying and luxuriating in the spoils of Big Government! No experience necessary! Don't miss your chance to suckle greedily at America's soon-to-be-bankrupt bureaucracy teat!
posted by fenriq (38 comments total)

TESTIMONIAL: "Rather than getting hung up on silly red tape like 'experience', CronyJobs worked hard to fulfill my dream: getting carte blanche to destroy Jimmy Carter's FEMA – on an easy flex-schedule that didn't make me sacrifice any quality time with my hair!"

HA!
posted by billysumday at 4:34 PM on October 10, 2005

Yeah, that guy's hair is clearly... special. He needs to learn when it's time to let go.
posted by clevershark at 4:39 PM on October 10, 2005

soon-to-be?
posted by subclub at 4:41 PM on October 10, 2005

This week's brouhaha is over Stewart Simonson, Assistant Secretary for Public Health and Emergency Preparedness, Department of Health and Human Services -- the point man "on matters related to bioterrorism and other public health emergencies," including the potential avian flu epidemic.

Just as Mike Brown was uniquely qualified for FEMA, Simonson is for his post. His background? Prison policy work and a stint at Amtrak. Makes you feel safe, doesn't it?
posted by ericb at 4:48 PM on October 10, 2005

Welcome to the Hackocracy.
posted by ericb at 4:49 PM on October 10, 2005

The thing that's starting to scare me is that his own people are going "WTF?" with these appointments.
posted by fenriq at 4:55 PM on October 10, 2005

Teats!
posted by wakko at 5:30 PM on October 10, 2005

One link FPP!
posted by mrblondemang at 5:42 PM on October 10, 2005

I misread this as "Corny Jobs."
posted by Zosia Blue at 5:44 PM on October 10, 2005

POSITION: Commissioner, Food & Drug Administration
SALARY: $165,000/year

Plus tips
posted by longsleeves at 5:52 PM on October 10, 2005

Sadly, the realy thing does exist... Apply Now for your own Bush/Cheney appointment.
posted by bk at 5:55 PM on October 10, 2005

crap. I hate spelling
posted by bk at 5:56 PM on October 10, 2005

bk writes "Sadly, the realy thing does exist... Apply Now for your own Bush/Cheney appointment."

I thought they just used the time-honored method of looking up the list of contributors to the GOP, arranged by amount donated...
posted by clevershark at 5:58 PM on October 10, 2005

This is pretty funny.
C'mon, the liberals had to deal with the fact that Bill Clinton was a bit of a lech. Let's hope the conservatives can grudgingly acknowledge the fantastic and perverse corruption and incompetence of this administration.
posted by klangklangston at 6:07 PM on October 10, 2005

Clinton was more a horndog than a lech, but don't ask me to tell you what the difference is. Except that there is one.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:10 PM on October 10, 2005

A horndog actually gets the girls.
posted by flod at 6:25 PM on October 10, 2005

i think what's worse is the amazing opposition found in the halls of our congress...
posted by trinarian at 6:46 PM on October 10, 2005

One link FPP!

Should he have put a link to fema's home page in there, to beef things up a bit? Or maybe a similar but not as good satire site?

I prefer not having to rummage through fpps to find the linkthat compelled the poster to make the post.
posted by Space Coyote at 6:56 PM on October 10, 2005

I think the difference is mostly in age. But yeah, Ok, horndog, but it was still like his presidency was the unannounced sequel— Porky's: The Presidency.
posted by klangklangston at 7:19 PM on October 10, 2005

One link FPP!
Good. I usually filter out FPPs with more than one link.
posted by Jase_B at 7:20 PM on October 10, 2005

From bk's link:
At this point you will be asked about possible conflicts of interest deriving from your sources of income ... legal, administrative and regulatory proceedings to which you may have been a party; in short, anything that might embarrass the President or you if he should choose you for a position in his administration.

Wow. Insert names of BushCo folk who fail to meet these standards. Including of course, Cheney, Rummy, etc. And I guess BushCo never anticipated that having the horse show guy running FEMA might also be embarrassing.

I think I'm going to fill out the application. I've been "enjoying" the Bush economy for the past four years, so a review of my sad little financial record won't take very long.
I'll let you know how it goes.

I prefer not having to rummage through fpps to find the link that compelled the poster to make the post.

Ditto space coyote. If my choice is between a mile-long FPP that fills most of my small screen and includes 13 links, or a one-link FPP, I'd probably prefer the latter.

After all, I'm a busy gal - I'm a future Bush appointee.
posted by NorthernLite at 7:24 PM on October 10, 2005

mrblondemang writes 'One link FPP!'
So fucking what!
posted by signal at 7:26 PM on October 10, 2005

"Barney has an excellent pedigree to become
Federal Reserve Chairman," Bush stated. "He has worked with me in analyzing and approving every spending bill that has crossed my desk during this Administration. I am certain he will be a politically independent leader of the Federal Reserve."
posted by sfenders at 8:00 PM on October 10, 2005

It hurts because it's true.
posted by fungible at 8:11 PM on October 10, 2005

Clinton was more a horndog than a lech, but don't ask me to tell you what the difference is. Except that there is one.

Easy: A horndog hits on you until you tell him to stop, and almost never touchs without permission. A lech is physical and refuses to go away without the threat of swift kick to the danglies.
posted by dejah420 at 8:11 PM on October 10, 2005

The Yahoo! navigation across the top makes me giddy.
Bush!   My Bush! Job   Bush! Stuff
posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:14 PM on October 10, 2005

Zosia Blue writes " I misread this as 'Corny Jobs.'"

I misread it as "cron jobs". Heh.
posted by mr_roboto at 10:37 PM on October 10, 2005

Horn dogs? Corn job? Corn dog? Mmmmm.
posted by missbossy at 10:49 PM on October 10, 2005

mr_roboto: me too, I was thinking - "What a clever name for a tech job site!"
posted by getluky at 11:20 PM on October 10, 2005

Thanks, Kansas. No, really, this is awesome.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 5:51 AM on October 11, 2005

I once asked a very successful business man where he looks when he needs to hire someone. He said, "Easy. I think of everyone I know."

It sounded ridiculous at the time, but the more experience I have in business and with people, the more sense it makes.

I'm more comfortable with Bush appointing people he knows and trusts than I am with the Bill/Roger Clinton donations-for-pardons system.
posted by b_thinky at 6:30 AM on October 11, 2005

And of course, those are the only two possible hiring strategies....
posted by sonofsamiam at 7:08 AM on October 11, 2005

"I'm more comfortable with Bush appointing people he knows and trusts than I am with the Bill/Roger Clinton donations-for-pardons system..." ...even if the appointees totally fuck New Orleans and their incompetance leads to the deaths of hundreds of people.

Just appended your quote so it makes sense.
posted by klangklangston at 7:14 AM on October 11, 2005

My god, Bush hangs out with some farting ass ugly people.
posted by Peter H at 7:53 AM on October 11, 2005

While I have never actually given any money to the GOP, I've never given a penny to the Democrats-- that ought to count for something. PLUS I'm currently negotiating a peaceful settlement between two kittens and one bull dog. PLUS I have a drug-addled brother making me an expert in that field. PLUS I have written checks, used cash and paid with credit cards making me a financial expert. PLUS I am currently holding 5 guppies hostage in a goldfish bowl making me an expert in the field of prison/detention centers.

I could go on, but obviously I AM the most qualified (for any position that happens to be available.)
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:57 AM on October 11, 2005

I'm more comfortable with Bush appointing people he knows and trusts than I am with the Bill/Roger Clinton donations-for-pardons system.

bthinky: With Bush, it seems, you get the best of both worlds...
posted by all-seeing eye dog at 9:08 AM on October 11, 2005

actually, that first link kind of sucked. try this one (although here we're talking Bush senior--but hell, BushCo's a franchise at this point, right?)
posted by all-seeing eye dog at 9:11 AM on October 11, 2005

I'm more comfortable with Bush appointing people he knows and trusts than I am with the Bill/Roger Clinton donations-for-pardons system.
posted by b_thinky at 6:30 AM PST on October 11

That would be a totally cutting critique if the two things had anything to do with one another, or anything in common, or if we lived on the planet Non Sequitur.

I was not happy with Clinton's end of office pardons. At the very, very least, it had the appearance of impropriety; at worst, it was a huge asshole move that undermined the nature of justice. I think it's fair to call it a Bad Thing, and history will judge him for that.

Here is the mind-blowing part: Bush appointing unqualified people simply because they are loyal to him is also a Bad Thing! Holy shit! Did you see that? Two unconnected things can both be bad!
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:18 AM on October 11, 2005