this is a practice of the heretics in America and elsewhere

October 18, 2005 1:23 PM

A fatwa here and a fatwa there and before you know it, you're reading the Soccer Fatwa.
posted by bashos_frog (40 comments total)

This is the funniest article I'd ever read. I wonder if fundementalists of any other religions see the humour?
posted by Keith Talent at 1:27 PM on October 18, 2005

Fundies on sports.

Moreover, many of these sports heroines have developed such boldness and forwardness from their sports activities, that they disdain the traditional and Biblical role of women. To such a girl, the Biblical mandate to be in submission to her husband and to even reverence him (Ephesians 5:24, 33) is outdated and unrealistic.

posted by bashos_frog at 1:45 PM on October 18, 2005

Metafilter: You are obliged to distinguish yourself from the heretics and the corrupted and must not resemble them in anything.
posted by JeffK at 1:56 PM on October 18, 2005

other religions

Biblical role of women

Man I got this one wrong, at first I thought it was about fatwas, Islam, or soccer...
posted by scheptech at 1:56 PM on October 18, 2005

I wonder if fundementalists of any other religions see the humour?

"Dropkick Me Jesus Through the Goalposts of Life"
posted by alumshubby at 2:11 PM on October 18, 2005

It's not a question of if, but when religious types or shoot-from-the-hip liberals show up and get defensive. So I will make their posts for them:

"OH HO! YOU ARE SO SMART BECAUSE YOU ARE MAKING FUN OF RELIGION! WELL I AM BEING SARCASTIC BECAUSE I AM JUST AS SMART AS YOU, MR ATHEIST, EVEN THOUGH I HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND IN THE SKY WHO WEARS A NIGHTIE AND LOVES EVERYONE EVEN THOUGH HE SENDS SOME OF THEM TO HELL!"

and:

"You are not allowed to find anything funny about Islam because it is vaguely foreign and therefore beautiful. And muslims are underdogs and I always root for the underdogs even when they're often disgusting. Also, muslims are disliked by American conservatives so I will defend them to be contrarian. Of course, I express contempt for christian fundamentalists but shrug off islamic ones because that's just their way. This is not a contradiction because I say it isn't!"
posted by Mayor Curley at 2:12 PM on October 18, 2005

Jesus soccer
posted by rxrfrx at 2:18 PM on October 18, 2005

"You are not allowed to find anything funny about Islam because it is vaguely foreign and therefore beautiful. And muslims are underdogs and I always root for the underdogs even when they're often disgusting. Also, muslims are disliked by American conservatives so I will defend them to be contrarian. Of course, I express contempt for christian fundamentalists but shrug off islamic ones because that's just their way. This is not a contradiction because I say it isn't!"

Spot on. But you forgot the exotic Noble Savage archetype and the "enemy of my enemy is my friend" concept, although you were close with "muslims are disliked by American conservatives so I will defend them to be contrarian". One more gem: "Radical Muslims might threaten global peace a little bit, but it is Bush's fault, and they are still less threatening than Eric Rudoph/Jeff Gannon".

The cognitive dissonance of defending exotic, Other, beautiful, bomb-strapped fundamentalists is enough to cause some heads to asplode around here. Time to nervously change the subject and speculate on the role of cocaine in Bush's pretzel-choking incident.
posted by dhoyt at 2:37 PM on October 18, 2005

Whoa. Someone's lookin' for an argument.
posted by mr_roboto at 2:39 PM on October 18, 2005

"Do not play in two halves. Rather play in one half or three halves in order to completely differentiate yourselves from the heretics, the polytheists, the corrupted and the disobedient."

Apparently the rules of sport are not the only ones open to radical Muslim re-interpretation. The rules of math are apparently also subject to Sharia law.
posted by poorhaus at 2:53 PM on October 18, 2005

I can't say I'd be entirely surprised if this turned out to be a hoax. It's just a little too... silly.
posted by rxrfrx at 2:56 PM on October 18, 2005

Heh, Mayor Curley - here's the last ones (around numbers 245 / 246):

-> You can't disprove Gods' existence. I feel sorry for you but can't spend any more time on you, although I hope you'll come around one day.

-> You can't prove God exists. I pity you, stop wasting my time, I hope you go away forever.

Well, things may be looking up in Iran. Come on, funny is funny no matter what extremism is being ridiculed...
posted by scheptech at 2:58 PM on October 18, 2005

15...Hell awaits those who die playing soccer according to rules established by heretical countries, at the head of which is America.

Aha aha hahaa haha.

Thank allah we don't play american football, which is an abomination unto all. This piece, more than any I've read (if true), demonstrates once & for all how unhinged the mufti who declared it is. I doubt any yank has helped draw up the rules for football (as the civilised call it, or soccer as the heathens do). Evah.
posted by dash_slot- at 3:06 PM on October 18, 2005

Abdul Rahman Al-Rashed on the 'Fatwa Crisis':

"Even the Egyptian Grand Mufti has become exasperated with the soaring number of fatwas (religious edicts) and the confusion surrounding them in the media.

"Those seeking fatwas resemble patients who are desperate for a decisive solution to their ills, through various media channels or their friends. More religious edicts have been issued in the last decade than in the last 1400 years. This flurry of activity, whether beneficial or not, is not related to the history of Islam except for a few aspects. Does this reflect our ancestors’ lack of interest or is it a modern-day trade to parallel light entertainment programs?

"I loathe blaming the plethora of muftis given the absence of an authority that licenses their activities and holds them to account. In this media, age consumers sell almost everything, from interpretations of dreams to political analysis, with many spending long hours in front of the television, instead of visiting friends and carrying out everyday tasks. So long as the television dominates every household, with over four hours every night spent mesmerized by the screen, it is to be expected that individuals are absorbing its messages."
posted by dhoyt at 3:16 PM on October 18, 2005

It's a hoax, very likely penned by South Koreans after the beating they got in the World Cup qualifiers.
posted by funambulist at 3:28 PM on October 18, 2005

"You are not allowed to find anything funny about Islam soccer because it is vaguely foreign and therefore beautiful. And muslims soccer lovers are underdogs and I always root for the underdogs even when they're often disgusting. Also, muslims are soccer is disliked by American conservatives so I will defend them it to be contrarian. Of course, I express contempt for christian NFL fundamentalists but shrug off islamic soccer ones because that's just their way. This is not a contradiction because I say it isn't!"
posted by MrMustard at 3:38 PM on October 18, 2005

Just saying that sport is far more important that religion.
posted by MrMustard at 3:39 PM on October 18, 2005

Via J-WalkBlog:

"To read some of these fatwa, visit Islamic Q&A Online, with Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

"Here are just a few of the thousands of questions that are answered:

• When I go to sleep I usually rub both my feets together. Is it ok to do so?
• When you sneeze, should you cover your mouth?
• How bad is it peeing while standing?
• Is it is ok to cut ones nails (finger & toenails) in the garden?
• Am I allowed to get my teeth sanded?
• Is it allow to play guitar in Islam?
• Why do water come out from eyes while we are yawning?
• My wife cooks too much food and it is wasted. Should I punish her?
• Can I copy Quraic audio Cd's that I have purchased and sell them?
• Can we eat CHICKEN burger at MCDONALD?
• Is it permissible for men to wax or shave their legs for sporting reasons?
• Does gravity exist or is it made up?� [Good answer to this one!]

posted by hall of robots at 3:43 PM on October 18, 2005

From hall of robots link (don't get worked up-- it's obviously fake):

http://islam.tc/ask-imam/view.php?q=7278
posted by Mayor Curley at 3:53 PM on October 18, 2005

We need a fatwa to stop the heretic Americans calling real football "soccer".
posted by funambulist at 3:54 PM on October 18, 2005

I propose both the names "soccer" and "football" be abandoned, and the game renamed Allaball. It has a nice ring to it.

If the Swedes object, we could compromise on Abbaball.
posted by bugbread at 3:56 PM on October 18, 2005

Same could be said for many Football games, but in reverse.
With instant replays, every possible camers angles, numerous referees and commentators, all looking to the hole Rule Book, every play is scrutinized down to the millisecond.

It's like a jihad, but backward. It's become so anal on the rules and commentary of each play, that the players are secondary.

Much different from a soccer game in a dirt lot somewhere.

Are there any good soccer teams from Muslim countries?

/not much of a sports fan
posted by Balisong at 4:00 PM on October 18, 2005

Balisong: The teams from Istanbul are strong. Galatasaray won the EUFA cup in 2000. Fenerbahce are also strong.

In adition national teams from Muslim countries regularly get to the World Cup and occasionally get to the second round.
posted by sien at 4:11 PM on October 18, 2005

Balisong : "Are there any good soccer teams from Muslim countries?"

FIFA's team ranking pages shows Turkey as #12 worldwide and Iran as #18. Not bad, from a list of 205 countries.
posted by bugbread at 4:13 PM on October 18, 2005

Saudi Arabia and Iran have both qualified for the 2008 World Cup finals. They will probably both struggle, but they both have some tidy players.

PS - funambulist is spot on. A fatwa on anyone calling football, 'soccer'! Unless it's me doing it in an attempt to use the original language of the post in a comment. Obviously.
posted by MrMustard at 4:14 PM on October 18, 2005

Thank allah we don't play american football, which is an abomination unto all.

We need a fatwa to stop the heretic Americans calling real football "soccer".

[I thought a Brit coined the term 'soccer' and that other non-US countries referred to it by the same name? Does it matter who calls it what?]
posted by hall of robots at 4:16 PM on October 18, 2005

bugbread: I suggest we give Abbaball to the infidel Americans for their depraved game, and we adopt Fútbol for the international version.

I can provide documentation that the Gran Mufti approves.

Balisong, it's exactly the same with futbol... and it's retroactive. There's people still arguing if Brazil got an undeserved penalty in 1958.
posted by funambulist at 4:19 PM on October 18, 2005

Saudi Arabia and Iran was meant to be a link. But it's late, I've had a few glasses of red and I should be in bed. And besides, the question had already been answered. I don't know why I bother really.
posted by MrMustard at 4:19 PM on October 18, 2005

Unless it's me doing it in an attempt to use the original language of the post in a comment. Obviously.

MrMustard, the Hand of Allah sees all and forgives you.

(2006 World Cup, next year!)
posted by funambulist at 4:24 PM on October 18, 2005

hall of robots: Yes, the name 'soccer' came from a Brit, but it was never intended as a replacement for the sport's proper name. It's football. And yes, it does matter.
posted by MrMustard at 4:24 PM on October 18, 2005

How long until meta-fatwas and ask-the-fatwa?
posted by Krrrlson at 4:38 PM on October 18, 2005

Why do I get the felling that the author of the soccer fatwa was the kind of kid who was always threatening to take his ball and go home?
(I suspect there was a lot of eye-rolling even among conservative Muslims when this one was announced.)
posted by maryh at 4:56 PM on October 18, 2005

From the American Family Association:

The Soul of Soccer

...if you want to find the median of the world's morality, you don't really have to look any further than a soccer stadium. Even given its bloody history, international soccer's current troubles are unsettling at the least, spiritually disturbing at the worst. It seems Satan takes a particular joy in the sport's endemic tragedies...Soccer fans have an uncanny ability to reveal man's raw sinfulness...Watching a soccer fan effusively fling rocks and bottles at innocent players reminds me of cold-blooded abortionists and activist federal judges hurling stones at the preciousness of life. Excessive freedom for one means oppression for another...It's frightening, but look closely next time you see footage of soccer fans gone wild. You'll be staring into the innermost depths of the world's soul.

The above is not a joke, hoax or parody.
posted by Otis at 5:21 PM on October 18, 2005

Major Curley, will you marry me?
posted by davy at 6:24 PM on October 18, 2005

From the site hall of robots linked to: "5. It is not permissible to stand and urinate as this is now the culture of the Kuffaar. "

Muslim men are commanded to sit down to pee? Not even American women do that much anymore.
posted by davy at 6:31 PM on October 18, 2005

Or Mayor Curley. And the other one's Major Tom. Sorry. (At least we're not on our honeymoon already.)
posted by davy at 6:36 PM on October 18, 2005

dhoyt writes "Other, beautiful, bomb-strapped fundamentalists is enough to cause some heads to asplode around here. Time to nervously change the subject and speculate on the role of cocaine in Bush's pretzel-choking incident."

Personally I'm scared every time I see someone who looks like this douchebag. But obviously my fears are irrational and I must learn to be frightened by brown people. Thank you, dhoyt for showing me the one true path!
posted by clevershark at 7:01 PM on October 18, 2005

So basically, play soccer, but don't.

Also, if it's going to become Abbaball, then I have visions of a big mirrorball kicked around the field by players in flares. Which would be ok.

"Think I better dance now!"
/Tom Jones
posted by Zack_Replica at 7:51 PM on October 18, 2005

Personally I'm scared every time I see someone who looks like this douchebag. But obviously my fears are irrational and I must learn to be frightened by brown people. Thank you, dhoyt for showing me the one true path!

Yes, yes. Domestic terrorists are much worse an scary, even if the numbers don't back that up. Actually, clevershrk, dhoyt was predicting this exact comment when he wrote:

One more gem: "Radical Muslims might threaten global peace a little bit, but it is Bush's fault, and they are still less threatening than Eric Rudoph/Jeff Gannon".
posted by Mayor Curley at 4:03 AM on October 19, 2005

Metafilter: it is not permissible to stand and urinate.
posted by davy at 7:46 AM on October 19, 2005