LESBIANISM 'BOUT TO TAKE OVER

October 19, 2005 12:36 PM

"Yo Butt Aint Made For That!"Unintentionally hilarious sermon given by sassy black preacher who blames lesbianism for his sons inability to get a date for the prom. Rev. Willie F. Wilson of Union Temple Baptist Church is well known for being a polarizing figure. However, it appears that rampant lesbianism has not impaired Hamani Wilson’s dating life.
posted by skjønn (70 comments total)

Damn this guy sounds like James Brown.
posted by trbrts at 12:39 PM on October 19, 2005

Oh, and this is my very first metafilter post so feedback is appreciated. :-)
posted by skjønn at 12:43 PM on October 19, 2005

Humans are stupid
posted by Pretty_Generic at 12:44 PM on October 19, 2005

Download the mash-up/remix version in 5...4...3...2
posted by bashos_frog at 12:47 PM on October 19, 2005

It's Phil Hendrie. It has to be.
posted by xmutex at 12:51 PM on October 19, 2005

[settles in to beanbag chair with bag of potato chips]
posted by alumshubby at 12:51 PM on October 19, 2005

I have a hard time understanding how anyone could divide 'civil rights' into everyone but homosexuals.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 12:52 PM on October 19, 2005

YOU GOT BLOOD VESSELS AND MEMBRANES IN YO BEHIND!
posted by gagglezoomer at 12:55 PM on October 19, 2005

Tat's awesome!!
posted by jsavimbi at 12:56 PM on October 19, 2005

"ain't but 2 straight girls in my class and both of 'em ugly."
posted by selfmedicating at 12:56 PM on October 19, 2005

Preachers and ministers lie in all of their sermons.

To paraphrase David Cross's bit on bullshit, made-up sermons: "I was talking with my niece and some of her skateboarding friends..."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 12:57 PM on October 19, 2005

Wait, wait, wait. At the beginning, he blames women making more money than men for the rise of this evil, awful lesbianism.

Is this guy available for birthday parties and office parties?
posted by xmutex at 12:59 PM on October 19, 2005

Apparently, if I understand this, black women make too much money compared to black men, and that's causing the former to become lesbians. Another powerful argument for maintaining the glass ceiling...
posted by alumshubby at 1:00 PM on October 19, 2005

This guy is one of DC's local nutjobs. He was sthe executive director of the recent Millions More Movement, and a gay-rights speaker supposed to appear at the event was denied his allotted time because of him.

Ah, here it is.
posted by heydanno at 1:01 PM on October 19, 2005

Oh, and "I ain' homophobic, uh, because everybody in here got something wrong with 'em."

I wonder if Rush Limbaugh has aired this?
posted by alumshubby at 1:03 PM on October 19, 2005

Women of the world, take over. If you don’t the world will come to an end, and it won’t take long.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 1:04 PM on October 19, 2005

If this guy spent more time in his Bible, and less time in his own little weird fantasy world, he wouldn't be such a horse's patoot - or so pathetically good at making (his version of) God look so bad.
posted by muckalucka at 1:10 PM on October 19, 2005

"Metafilter: Ain't but two straight girls, and both of them ugly!
posted by BigLankyBastard at 1:10 PM on October 19, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

From heydanno's link:

"Wilson then grabbed a white plastic bag and pulled out a bottle of sleeping pills and a G-string made from Pez candies strung together. He said black girls use the items to try to turn other girls into lesbians."

Truly. Wow.
posted by selfmedicating at 1:13 PM on October 19, 2005

Highlights...

"Strappin' yourself up with somethin'..."

"You got blood vessels and membranes in your behind..."

"...it takes a screw and a nut."

and, if you'll pardon me for saying so, he's got both bases covered.
posted by ewkpates at 1:14 PM on October 19, 2005

Metafilter: YOU GOT BLOOD VESSELS AND MEMBRANES IN YO BEHIND!
posted by danb at 1:16 PM on October 19, 2005

LESBIANS. He says it so dripping with ... emotion.

I'm talkin' bout YOUNG GIRLS!

This is absolutely amazing. Yeah. Best link ever.
posted by blacklite at 1:16 PM on October 19, 2005

Rampant lesbianism has not impaired Hamani Wilson’s dating life.
posted by destro at 1:26 PM on October 19, 2005

You got blood vessels and membranes in your behind

I suspect you got 'em in your front, too.

That ain't natural!

So?

We all got something wrong with us

Yes dear. And in your case, it's your ideas. Pray hard, now.
posted by Decani at 1:27 PM on October 19, 2005

You notice he doesn't get too many 'Amen!"'s from the audience. A few people are vocal, but most of them are, I'm guessing, sitting there, afraid to say anything.

As for the "lesbianism is about to take over" shtick... which politician was it who said, recently, that junior high teachers couldn't let two girls go to the bathroom at the same time because they were liable to take liberties with one another?
posted by Clay201 at 1:30 PM on October 19, 2005

This is so ripe for sampling. Oh my God.
posted by Rothko at 1:31 PM on October 19, 2005

Metafilter: No wonder your behind is bleedin'
posted by cl at 1:34 PM on October 19, 2005

Makes me want to go watch "The Apostle" again.

Excellent link.
posted by timsteil at 1:40 PM on October 19, 2005

I, for one, welcome our new financially solvent lesbian overlords.
posted by thanatogenous at 1:43 PM on October 19, 2005

So awesomely horribly wonderfully bad. Thanks.

thanatogenous beat me to the obligatory overlords comment. Dammit.
posted by emjaybee at 2:04 PM on October 19, 2005

Metafilter: That thing ain't got no feelin' in it!
posted by damnthesehumanhands at 2:04 PM on October 19, 2005

Your butt is only made for poop, sillies.
posted by leapingsheep at 2:06 PM on October 19, 2005

Clay201: The guy who said that was Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn.

Here's a link that expands on the comment.
posted by cloeburner at 2:08 PM on October 19, 2005

You know, it really makes me sad that this man is not our mayor.

Oh, wait, sad isn't the term I was looking for maybe, um, fucking elated.
posted by Pollomacho at 2:09 PM on October 19, 2005

A snake oil salesman is a snake oil salesman even if he's wearing a collar. In other words, Washington DC, Ya Got Trouble.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:19 PM on October 19, 2005

Anybody care to convert this into something a mac user can use?
posted by klangklangston at 2:27 PM on October 19, 2005

MetaFilter: it takes a screw and a nut!
posted by Wolfdog at 2:34 PM on October 19, 2005

Mac folks can use this.
posted by basicchannel at 2:45 PM on October 19, 2005

I loved how he went from talking about strap-on's to talking about blood vessels and diseases regarding rectal sex... uh, a non-sequitor of sorts. So, lesbians are strapping them on and passing diseases with those non-feeling thingies or has he just segued into a riff about the male homosexual, but forgot to mention them by name.

I'll be sure to keep that old strap-on disease free if that'll help his blood pressure.
posted by sillygit at 2:53 PM on October 19, 2005

Hamani did not respond to efforts to contact him, and his father is currently out of town. But Hamani’s older sister, Lili Wilson, suggests that perhaps Wilson wasn’t speaking of Hamani at all. Though Hamani is the minister’s only direct descendant in high school, “[the Rev. Wilson’s] got a lot of spiritual sons,” she says, making it possible for the “son” in question to be any number of young people. “There are a lot of children without father figures who look up to him.”

Wilson, in the oration in question: "He said, 'Dad, I ain't got nobody to take to the prom.'"
posted by Tlogmer at 2:56 PM on October 19, 2005

"You know, it really makes me sad that this man is not our mayor."

Well sure, he's a liar and an intolerant bigot. But he was *only* running for mayor of Washington, DC...

At least we can safely assume he's opposed to crack.
posted by insomnia_lj at 2:57 PM on October 19, 2005

The Bible says that women shouldn't even talk in church. This guy's a liberal.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 3:01 PM on October 19, 2005

From heydanno's link:

"Wilson then grabbed a white plastic bag and pulled out a bottle of sleeping pills and a G-string made from Pez candies strung together. He said black girls use the items to try to turn other girls into lesbians."

Truly. Wow.

I'm looking forward to seeing such G-strings being worn actually. An enterprising pornographer could mine this for a new hot series. I can see the headline in AVN:

"Black Lesbian Overlords #17" to be released in June 2007.

Or would that be "Overbitches"?
posted by JonasParker at 3:14 PM on October 19, 2005

I guess it didn't occur to him that lesbians can have sex without strapping anything on. What's the argument against that?
posted by Hildegarde at 3:22 PM on October 19, 2005

I, for one, welcome our new financially solvent lesbian overlords. - thanatogenous

Hear, hear!
posted by raedyn at 3:23 PM on October 19, 2005

Call me archaic, but Overlords -> Overladies.
posted by Edgewise at 3:43 PM on October 19, 2005

It's Phil Hendrie. It has to be.
posted by xmutex at 12:51 PM PST on October 19

yes, it does have that pastor william rennick feel to it.
posted by fhwrdh at 4:25 PM on October 19, 2005

I guess it didn't occur to him that lesbians can have sex without strapping anything on. What's the argument against that?

it's that they can't imagine that, for god's sake. didn't you know that if there's no penis in the frame, it didn't happen?

"YOUNG GIRLS!"

hehehe. this guy has spent entirely too much time thinking about this. you better watch it preacher, cuz god can heeeeear yoooou and seeee yoooou, you little hell-bound porn-watcher you.

i think i'm going to keep this on my iPod until i know it by heart, and can do it with gusto. good party trick? or maybe i can broadcast it on the loudspeaker at my neighborhood bar.
posted by RedEmma at 4:47 PM on October 19, 2005

I second the Phil Hendrie comment. It's gotta be...
posted by Kloryne at 5:19 PM on October 19, 2005

Thanks basicchannel.
posted by maledictory at 5:22 PM on October 19, 2005

The mp3...for all god's flavahs.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:33 PM on October 19, 2005

seriously -- is this a standup comedy routine? like Chris Rock? I'm not kidding -- is this legit?
it does sound like a prank, the mp3 is really amazing
posted by matteo at 5:37 PM on October 19, 2005

No wonder yo' behind is bleedin'?

???
posted by matteo at 5:39 PM on October 19, 2005

And the blood vessels burst and spewed forth their iniquity, all across the land.
posted by gorgor_balabala at 5:54 PM on October 19, 2005

Yes, thank you for the post. It's about time the world at large got a wee little taste of DC politics. Which is the bottom to DC religion's top. (Ever try to complain to the city about church attendee double/triple-parking in your neighborhood?) For an overwhelmingly-blue "state" (just funnin', we're barely a colony), we got some lord-almighty redstate church-state bedfellowing goin' on.

And it should come as absolutely no surprise that the GOP is currently trying to convince the local black (church) community that it is, in fact, the party of zero tolerance for these hellbound lesbians and homosexuals, praise Jesus, can I get an 'amen'?
posted by the sobsister at 6:26 PM on October 19, 2005

Wait, wage equality is at the base of all of this? Huh?!?!?

That, and, whoah, do I feel sorry for the two straight girls in his son's class. They've been publically insulted in front of the whole congregation.

Otherwise, my lord, if only this wasn't true, this would be the funniest thing I've ever heard.
posted by redbeard at 6:35 PM on October 19, 2005

Oh fuck. I just broke my streak of not actually "laughing out loud" at anything on the internet.

So now, unironically, I type: LOL.

This sermon best served with SNAKES ON A MUTHAFUCKIN' PLANE as an appetizer. If you have the skill (as I do), perform the piece using your best version of Dave Chappelle's horrible Samuel Jackson impression as the voice. I think I almost made someone asphyxiate over the phone.

skjønn: Thanks; I had a really stressful day and I needed this link. I really appreciate it.
posted by Eideteker at 6:39 PM on October 19, 2005

If I lived near his church, I'd tape every show.

Fantastic!
posted by I Love Tacos at 8:29 PM on October 19, 2005

skjønn, you asked for feedback on your first post. Judging by both your post and the comments so far, I give you two (opposable) thumbs up!
posted by rob511 at 11:33 PM on October 19, 2005

Oh, and this is my very first metafilter post so feedback is appreciated.

Just some thoughts if you were to do it again (from a guy with only one post under his belt):

Add an audio warning so we know there's nothing to read at the first link. A lot of people appreciate it. Especially if they are at work.

After "Union Temple Baptist Church" add "in Washington, D.C." so there's some context.
posted by bugmuncher at 11:41 PM on October 19, 2005

So let me get this straight. His son is gay?
posted by srboisvert at 1:31 AM on October 20, 2005

:o) Superb! I'd love to see videos of this guy in action. I bet his eyes bulge dramatically when he makes a particularly important point. I hope they do.

Just like they bulged when he secretly experimented with a far-too-large dildo and some grease.
posted by paperpete at 2:29 AM on October 20, 2005

I'm sure his son really appreciated Dad telling everyone how he couldn't hook up at school, especially including the comment about the only two straight girls being ugly.
posted by deusdiabolus at 3:01 AM on October 20, 2005

"It ain't got no feeling in it..!"

Reverend, honey, I think you're squeezing too hard,

this had me in tears of laughter. Thanks for the post!
posted by Wilder at 3:03 AM on October 20, 2005

This is the funniest thing I've ever heard.
posted by flippant at 3:38 AM on October 20, 2005

This could be sampled and taken to whole new levels by mixing it with some classic Snoop Dogg or 50 cent.

I'm not responsible for the consequences of this suggestion.
posted by funambulist at 3:51 AM on October 20, 2005

Call me archaic, but Overlords -> Overladies.

I was thinking that, but we're talking porn here, and black/interracial porn at that, so...
posted by JonasParker at 5:40 AM on October 20, 2005

clay201: You notice he doesn't get too many 'Amen!"'s from the audience. A few people are vocal, but most of them are, I'm guessing, sitting there, afraid to say anything.

I think what you're hearing is the results of processing through a noise gate with the threshold set pretty high. The evidence I present for your consideration in support of this hypothesis are: the few bits of audience chatter you can hear seem to fade in and out, which would be due to the noise gate cutting in and out, and the way the "quiet" passages in between his rants are totally silent, again, as would be expected when there is a noise gate in circuit. It could also have been done by hand.
posted by kcds at 5:59 AM on October 20, 2005

Apparently, if I understand this, black women make too much money compared to black men, and that's causing the former to become lesbians.

Recently I read somewhere (N.Y. Times ?) that colleges around the country are graduating 133 females to every 100 males and among blacks that ratio is 200 to 100. Good for female power, bad for relationships.

Oh and Rep. Tom Coburn is also the guy that wanted to stop funding on an anti-aids program in Central America because it was a "misuse of funds to organize and sponsor parties and dance contests to exploit victims of the sex trade." The parties and dance contests were how former prostitutes were teaching prostitutes about AIDS and condoms.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 8:41 AM on October 20, 2005

So now I am trying to imagine what the church-goers were thinking during this sermon. I picture a little old granny listening to talk about grease and strap-ons and butts and thinking "My goodness gracious. Lesbianism sure has changed since my day."
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 9:34 AM on October 20, 2005