Music > Genres > Fuzz Guitar

October 24, 2005 7:57 AM

Were you left as ambivalent as I was by the introduction of the iPod Video? Did you think, "well, it's kinda cool, but why would anyone really want it?" Well, Mark Morford thinks he has the answer. [text-only, but may contain trace amounts of NSFW; via obscurestore]
posted by Johnny Assay (37 comments total)

Would that make it an iPud then?
posted by ElvisJesus at 8:04 AM on October 24, 2005

I can't wait for all the apple polishers to go bananas when Jobs sells them smaller and smaller iCocks. I can hear them going on and on about the intuitive user interface and the beauty of the form factor.

Then 10 minutes later they will start complaining about scratches and limited battery life.
posted by srboisvert at 8:06 AM on October 24, 2005

Somehow I can't see Apple selling "Huge Black C*cks and Pearly White Cum" through iTunes anytime soon, and the current porn barons seem to be selling their wares at much more than 2 dollars a pop. However, this does suggest a nice OS X app for managing H.264 movies and dragging them into and out of your ipod library.
posted by snoktruix at 8:13 AM on October 24, 2005

1. People still BUY pron????...ID10ts!
2. This new iPod, it is moisture-proof?
posted by HyperBlue at 8:17 AM on October 24, 2005

I think Mark Morford is exactly right and spot on.
posted by uncle harold at 8:17 AM on October 24, 2005

It's not called an iPod video, it's called an iPod.
posted by Space Coyote at 8:20 AM on October 24, 2005

This is not exactly a new idea - I remember porn being touted as the video iPod's killer app back when the product was just a rumor - in fact, I'm pretty sure I remember it from here somewhere.

But I do have to agree that I just don't get the attraction of a video iPod. For me the great thing about the iPod and podcasting was putting something in your ears that 1) you could listen to while walking to work and 2) expanded your audio world into a rich landscape. Adding video makes it something you 1) have to pay attention to visually, restricting what you can do while playing it, and 2) restricts your visual world into a tiny screen.

As for the porn idea itself, it has to be said: Porn is for masturbating. What is the revolutionary advance in facillitating this "on-the-go?"
posted by soyjoy at 8:22 AM on October 24, 2005

Suicide Girls beat him to it.

But then, it really wasn't a terribly original idea to begin with.
posted by oddman at 8:28 AM on October 24, 2005

FWIW, the Treo 650 (phone/Palm PDA thingy) + TCPMP (freeware media player) is, generally speaking, a better platform for portable video -- that is, if you already have one, cuz they're $300-500, depending on what deal you can get.

TCPMP can play a wide variety of video formats and the Treo has an amazing battery life. I played the new Family Guy movie (DivX .AVI) in a loop from SD card for 4 hours and still had 50% battery life left, so we're looking at 6-8 hours of video playback per charge. The best the iPod can do is 3 hours. Plus, although the new iPods are sexy as hell, I'd rather not carry one more device around with me.
posted by LordSludge at 8:42 AM on October 24, 2005

Republican Ankle Fetishists??
posted by odinsdream at 9:12 AM on October 24, 2005

Fuck it, skip the porn middle man and just rub the damned thing on your cock.
posted by RylandDotNet at 9:15 AM on October 24, 2005

Apparently this guy thought of it first.
posted by disgruntled at 9:19 AM on October 24, 2005

I was actually talking to a friend about this today.

Porn will not be popular on the ipod video.

First of all, privacy. People don't watch porn in airplanes so someone can look over their shoulder at gaping anus porn.

Porn will only be popular when people can watch it when people can't see that they're watching it.
posted by Billistics at 9:36 AM on October 24, 2005

I guess it's these old eyes of mine, but I just don't get the appeal of video anything on such tiny screens (that turn to ass in sunlight) I suppose it'll be a hit with the "gotta have every new gadget even if I really have no need/use for it" crowd. Personally, I prefer not to be plugged-in 24-7.
posted by Thorzdad at 9:52 AM on October 24, 2005

iPod porn could be useful if you're a porn addict and need a fix while you're at work (since a lot of people look at porn at work). You could take your iPod into a bathroom stall and get your fix, I imagine that's what coke heads do while they're at work.
posted by disgruntled at 10:04 AM on October 24, 2005

Metafilter: look over their shoulder at gaping anus porn.
posted by ElvisJesus at 10:09 AM on October 24, 2005

iPod with video goggles. You heard it here first.
posted by Wolfdog at 10:11 AM on October 24, 2005

I've been watching videos on my iRiver H340 for months now. It's nice to have whole series of Invader Zim and Bugs Bunny cartoons for long train rides with the boy and I have a bunch of movies available to view whenever I want to as well. Sure, the screen is small but it's not a big problem when you are watching stuff on the bus and tram on the way to work in the morning.
posted by longbaugh at 10:29 AM on October 24, 2005

I am an iPod video owner. "Happy Songs for Happy People" is 60GB and black, ordered half an hour after Steve announced them, and got here on Thursday night. It's my first iPod.

The screen on this thing is gorgeous, but tiny. I've got a couple music videos on it for showing off to other people, and I put Sin City on it the other day (some pirates now upload in iPod-formatted H.264. It's great.), and while it was neat as a proof-of-concept, it killed my battery - I'd guess the hard drive access and constant backlight did it in.

I wouldn't put porn on mine. I'm not a huge fan of the portable video features - it seems like a lazy hack, and it's not why I bought it, and since I'm most likely to watch something in extreme public (where people are not only around, but have little to look at, like buses and subways), I don't want it to be extreme gaping anus porn.

I'm more into bondage anyway. ;)

on preview: my friend has an iRiver h340 - we both agree that my screen is better, but argue about which one organizes music better.
posted by heeeraldo at 10:30 AM on October 24, 2005

Yeah, hate to be a pedantic cynic but.. um... "Duhh??"

Porn's major demographic: "Men" driven by their "Wangs" powered by "Disposable Income"

New Techno Toys: "Men" driven by their "Wangs" powered by "Disposable Income"
posted by cavalier at 10:32 AM on October 24, 2005

soyjoy: "Adding video ... restricts your visual world into a tiny screen."

Thorzdad: "I guess it's these old eyes of mine, but I just don't get the appeal of video anything on such tiny screens"

heeeraldo: "The screen on this thing is gorgeous, but tiny. ... and while it was neat as a proof-of-concept, it killed my battery"

You guys (and something like three-quarters of the people I've talked to in person about this) don't seem to realize that the iPod has composite video out via a $15 adaptor. It's not just a tiny video-watching device, but (more usefully) it's also a video-transporting device. You can watch it on pretty much any television.
posted by Plutor at 10:40 AM on October 24, 2005

It's no coincidence that apple introduced "a screen lock that keeps others from viewing the data on your iPod." right before they added porn, i mean video, capability.
posted by snofoam at 11:11 AM on October 24, 2005

Actually this guy thought of the video goggle idea.
posted by Billistics at 11:17 AM on October 24, 2005

The iPod, it vibrates?
posted by Citizen Premier at 11:17 AM on October 24, 2005

I like my porn on 78rpm Edison discs, bah this new technology.
posted by Peter H at 11:41 AM on October 24, 2005

It's not just a tiny video-watching device, but (more usefully) it's also a video-transporting device. You can watch it on pretty much any television.


So? I can count on half a finger the times I was in a position where I actually needed such ability. I'm not a frigging vagabond where I have to carry all my trinkets and possesions wherever I go just so I can inflict the latest Coldplay video on my friends at the drop of a hat.
Meh.
posted by Thorzdad at 11:58 AM on October 24, 2005

I'm surprised that nobody mentioned the unique selling feature that you can watch your iPr0n using only one hand...
posted by kika at 11:58 AM on October 24, 2005

I was gonna do a post on this a couple days ago but felt lazy and figured someone else would. Thanks Johnny.

Give it a couple months and you'll see a ton of sites selling 15 minute porn clips for a buck or two a piece. And they'll be making a ton of money.

Think of high school and college kids. Anyone living in a situation that makes wanking difficult, and remember that you can take your pod into the bathroom or attic or hall closet or wherever. The market is huge.

Sadly iPorn.com leads to pretty much nothing at the moment.
posted by Jawn at 12:07 PM on October 24, 2005

plutor: It's the same cable as the iPod Photo, so I borrowed one from a friend to test it out. It's not that great - since everything encoded for the iPod is 320x240, and standard TVs are another resolution I can't remember but is a fair bit larger, it doesn't scale up all that well, a bit like watching a VHS tape that's been rewound one too many times.
posted by heeeraldo at 12:14 PM on October 24, 2005

There's also already this. (NSFW)
posted by chris24 at 1:23 PM on October 24, 2005

The Gutenberg press, film, video, cable tv, satellite, internet -- pornography has profited from every advance in mass media. Ipod won't be any different.
posted by sixpack at 2:45 PM on October 24, 2005

I just really have to say thank you, guys, for parsing this out for me. My thoughts in order:

A. Given Mark Morford is correct, being neither male nor into pr0n, I won't need this. Good, that's one expense I can save.

B. I also don't watch television, so all references to transport of video are also pretty out. Unlike Thorzdad, however, I am a vagabond, and carry my house in my Taurus, like a turtle... ;)

C. Although I liked the bit about the Invader Zim cartoons. Cartoons good. (Thanks Longbaugh)

D. But I have a Treo650, and now I know what to download to get video if I have the opportunity. (TCPMP, thanks, Lord Sludge.)

So Thanks and much <3!!
posted by scyllacat at 3:05 PM on October 24, 2005

povPod.com

Metafilter: Hold at crotch level.
posted by emelenjr at 3:32 PM on October 24, 2005

It was kind of awkward dragging the laptop into the bathroom.
posted by dial-tone at 11:28 PM on October 24, 2005

Porn will not be popular on the ipod video.

First of all, privacy. People don't watch porn in airplanes so someone can look over their shoulder at gaping anus porn.

Porn will only be popular when people can watch it when people can't see that they're watching it.

Billistics: Just wait, 3M is sure to bring out some iPod-sized privacy filters soon.
posted by d-no at 1:28 AM on October 25, 2005

that's some good thinking d-no.
posted by Billistics at 6:22 AM on October 25, 2005

Mark Pilgrim posted a whole HOWTO about it.
posted by moss at 7:23 PM on October 25, 2005