Groomed kiwis

November 3, 2005 7:41 AM

Keep those kiwis properly groomed!
posted by dov3 (31 comments total)

Click on "where to shave."

Some of the tips and comments are quite entertaining.
posted by dov3 at 7:42 AM on November 3, 2005

Looks like the shaver division has run out of traditional markets. Time to manufacture a problem!
posted by C.Batt at 7:54 AM on November 3, 2005

I've been using the bodyshave for a couple of months. It's not the miracle hair remover that it claims to be, but it is pretty good.
posted by londonmark at 7:57 AM on November 3, 2005

I keep reloading the page, those kiwis are funny! I am going to have to try this though, I'm getting tired of having my balls erupt...into..flames...of..nevermind. I'll stop now.
posted by evilelvis at 8:04 AM on November 3, 2005

Men! Why do you allow the fashion industry to profit from your emasculation? The time has come to be manly once again! Let your beards grow long and shaggy! Let your arms, legs, backs and chests be covered in the rich, luxurious fur that nature intended! Fear not the cold winds of winter, for you are protected and warm inside your thick pelt! Stand firm against those who would strip you of your masculinity, and reclaim your hairy birthright!
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:06 AM on November 3, 2005

Hmm, no mention of whether it's suitable for buttocks. I'll just have to wait for version 2.0, I suppose.
posted by Scoo at 8:10 AM on November 3, 2005

londonmark, have you tried it on your kiwis?
posted by dov3 at 8:14 AM on November 3, 2005

I recommend Pepsi Blue brand shave gel (TM) for the tingly sensation that only a freshly shorn scrotum soaked in carbonated water can give.
posted by Pollomacho at 8:19 AM on November 3, 2005

I gave up when I saw a pair of large, hostile scissors trying to attack what I'm pretty sure were free-range testicles. Cringe.
posted by Dipsomaniac at 8:50 AM on November 3, 2005

I like watching the kiwis run away from scissors, shavers and tape (!?) when you click on the "experiences" link.
posted by piratebowling at 8:54 AM on November 3, 2005

Using a safety razor on one's cajones is scary enough without adding flailing, scissor-like pieces of metal! Those things can pinch! And draw blood! And stuff!
posted by ancientgower at 8:55 AM on November 3, 2005

How to shave.

Slightly more Pepsi-free.
posted by i_cola at 9:03 AM on November 3, 2005

Free range testicles. Classic. I need a new keyboard. Mine's soaked in coffee.
posted by fnord at 9:20 AM on November 3, 2005

its not tape, I assume it's a wax strip...
posted by stratastar at 9:52 AM on November 3, 2005

its not tape, I assume it's a wax strip...

Wax strips are for girls. Real men use duct tape.
posted by Armitage Shanks at 9:59 AM on November 3, 2005

Wax strips are for girls. Real men use duct tape.
posted by Armitage Shanks at 12:59 PM EST on November 3 [!]

I burn the hair off my free range Kiwi's with a lighter.
posted by Skygazer at 10:04 AM on November 3, 2005

Wax strips are for girls. Real men use duct tape.
posted by Armitage Shanks at 12:59 PM EST on November 3 [!]

I burn the hair off my free range Kiwi's with a lighter.

Wussies, I tear mine out with my own teeth.
posted by Pollomacho at 10:13 AM on November 3, 2005

USE WHENEVER AND WHEREEVER YOU WANT
Pinched a bit there, eh?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:19 AM on November 3, 2005

I've heard tell that quonsar uses a weed whacker and a spastic chihuahua.
posted by Freen at 10:20 AM on November 3, 2005

Is it just me, or is the site trying a bit too hard to contrast the homoerotic photography with the "hey man, I'm straight, the chicks dig it" text?

Wussies, I tear mine out with my own teeth.

If I was that flexible, I don't think I'd be grooming my kiwis.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 10:22 AM on November 3, 2005

I must however give them credit for an [b]almost[/b] tasteful visual metaphor.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 11:07 AM on November 3, 2005

The only grooming this kiwi is doing is combing my back.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 11:21 AM on November 3, 2005

shave by nordicshave
"For men who enjoy being shaved and enjoy watching other men being shaved."
posted by madamjujujive at 11:24 AM on November 3, 2005

They claim you gain an optical inch by shaving down there? Good God !
posted by R. Mutt at 11:27 AM on November 3, 2005

I am really dismayed in Metafilter. This many posts and no one has quoted Austin Powers YET!

Dr. Evil: At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.
posted by Ber at 11:53 AM on November 3, 2005

Dov3 -- I wouldn't recommend it. It's pretty itchy and the stubble chaffs like sandpaper...
posted by londonmark at 1:33 PM on November 3, 2005

No one but the most dedicated freak has ever shaved his testicles. The word you bastards are looking for is scrotum.

I say bastards, because... Look, just stop calling your scrote your Kiwis, okay? Thanks.
posted by The Monkey at 2:43 PM on November 3, 2005

Ahhhhh where's the US voltage version?! 'Cause I really want to shave my Kiwis. I'll put up pics.
posted by countzen at 3:04 PM on November 3, 2005

perhaps there should be a "product" tag that Pepsi-blue-haters can just ignore..?
posted by mhh5 at 3:33 PM on November 3, 2005

OK, folks, take a tip from someone Down Under (back me up here, joe's_spleen):
Kiwi = New Zealander
kiwi = flightless bird, symbol of NZ
kiwifruit = Chinese gooseberry = testicular stand-in
That is all.
posted by rob511 at 5:34 PM on November 3, 2005

I already made mention of my back. But yes, that is indeed correct. Unfortunately, popular usage in the rest of the world is heedless of our fine-grained distinctions, even if we did coin the name for the fruit.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 8:59 PM on November 3, 2005