"well, it breaks the ice, doesn't it"

November 6, 2005 10:19 AM

Having sweated over the origins of the universe and split the atom, academics have finally tackled the question that has perplexed mankind since the dawn of time: what are the best chat-up lines? A study from psychologists at the University of Edinburgh tested 205 people for reactions to 40 vignettes of a woman approached by a man using "verbal signals of genetic quality" in different categories, and found the best rated approaches to be those revealing character qualities, wealth and culture, although the puzzling winning line proved a flop in real life tests. Unsurprisingly, a direct request for sex received a low score. Previous findings by the Japanese proved equally dubious. But there's still hope, as the code seems to have been cracked in Dublin, where since last year "there is definitely more pulling". The secret? A smoking ban, a lot of crowded pubs, and "smirting", an unexpected side effect of the health measure.
posted by funambulist (103 comments total)

"Ten-ton polar bear."

"What," replied the young brunette at the bar. "Well, it breaks the ice, doesn't it," we said, optimistically.

I'm using that one.
posted by 517 at 10:27 AM on November 6, 2005

All this is amusing, but the problem remains that chat-up lines are a poor substitute for genuine wit and spontaneity, which is of course, secondary to looking good.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 10:29 AM on November 6, 2005

I've found that my biggest problem at a bar isn't what to say but actually hearing what the other person is saying. For the love of god, turn down the music.
posted by 517 at 10:33 AM on November 6, 2005

517, it's not too loud, you're too old far away. The point of the loud music is to give you an excuse to stand very close, and then an excuse to go somewhere quieter.
posted by nicwolff at 10:38 AM on November 6, 2005

in Dublin, where since last year "there is definitely more pulling"

I couldn't find a good definition of "pulling."
posted by grobstein at 10:40 AM on November 6, 2005

A cocksman I know who was very successful in the babe game once told me that "if you can make a woman smile or laugh you are half way up her legs."
posted by Postroad at 10:50 AM on November 6, 2005

Fuck me if I'm wrong, but didn't Enrico Fermi write Sonata quasi una fantasia?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:53 AM on November 6, 2005

We don't call it 'pulling', we call it 'game', but I think the meaning is still the same.

pulling -> pulling ass

game -> "i need to work on my game", "he's got no game"
posted by WetherMan at 10:53 AM on November 6, 2005

There you go:

pull Verb. 1. To seduce a desirable person, to sexually attract someone. Also commonly heard in the male expression pull a bird meaning to attract a female. E.g."I pulled this gorgeous student at the Union bar."

on the pull Phrs. Seeking a partner for sexual intimacies. E.g." We're off on the pull tonight, so have a bath and wear your best suit."
posted by funambulist at 10:58 AM on November 6, 2005

In Dublin, while "smirting", asking "Any chance of a ride?" will cut to the chase very, very quickly.
posted by meehawl at 11:11 AM on November 6, 2005

[expletive deleted] - chat-up lines are a poor substitute for genuine wit and spontaneity, which is of course, secondary to looking good.

... not to mention the confidence to pull the line of correctl

What the hell am I doing commenting in a pulling/gaming thread? I'm going to crawl under my desk and cry a little now, ok?
posted by PurplePorpoise at 11:32 AM on November 6, 2005

No, confidence is usualy more important to women than looks. Sure, confidence can be learned/faked, but lines alone arn't quite going to cut it. Wit, spontaneity, clothes, and money are useful, but all are secondary to confidence.

An effective strategy for males is to just date girls less attractive than what you actually want; yielding practice, confidence, etc.
posted by jeffburdges at 11:54 AM on November 6, 2005

The Art of the Pickup: Two Views.
posted by xowie at 11:54 AM on November 6, 2005

Serendipity! I just finished reading "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists" by Neil Strauss, and I wrote a review/essay about it here: self-link.

I find myself 70% repulsed, 30% fascinated with pick-up artists. They are misogynistic nerds, but they are also con men, and I have a David Mamet/Ricky Jay obsession with con men.

For insight into the pick-up culture, see here.

I'm sure that the pickup tactics work (when they are well-crafted cons). They work (paradoxically), because many people (in this case women) choose gullibility over cynicism. I know I do. On some level, I know I live in a world in which you can't know for certain that anyone is trustworthy (people who have been married for 20 years cheat on their spouses, etc.). But I'm unwilling to let my mind go there for too long. That place is too dark. The con men will always win against someone like me, because they are willing to look the dirty world square in its face.

A pickup artist is a man who sees a woman as a machine, not as a person. He "reads the manual" and figures out which buttons to press in order to get free candy.
posted by grumblebee at 12:17 PM on November 6, 2005

grumblebee : "A pickup artist is a man who sees a woman as a machine, not as a person."

I have a friend who was a pickup artist, but I can't say he ever struck me as thinking of women as machines instead of people, and I didn't find much misogyny. Instead, he looked at the whole thing (as well as work, study, and probably everything else in life) as a game, and considered a "win" to be where he got laid, and his female partner had a good time and no regrets. It wasn't, that is, a zero sum game, wherein a female would lose and he would win. Instead, if anything, it was a game where his opponent was cultural mores that he disagreed with, and the only person whom he could "win" with was someone who also disagreed with some of the cultural mores that guided their behaviour.

Not saying that's the most common type of pickup artist, by any means, just that there are some cases of pickup artists who consider women to also be people, and the pickup to be a victory for both parties, not a victory over the other party.
posted by Bugbread at 12:32 PM on November 6, 2005

No, confidence is usualy more important to women than looks.

Confident people of either gender, I find tiresome and annoying. I see it as a sign of excessive self-regard.
posted by jonmc at 12:37 PM on November 6, 2005

That's why you seldom get picked up by confident guys, jon.
posted by Bugbread at 12:50 PM on November 6, 2005

Heh.

Well, confidence can be faked, and when it is it usually comes across as a rather off-putting sense of entitlement. And actually, the two times in my life I've been hit on by a man, they were rather awkward about it. Guess gay dudes areen't too different than straight guys in that respect.
posted by jonmc at 12:57 PM on November 6, 2005

(Screams into nicwolff's ear)

What?
posted by 517 at 1:03 PM on November 6, 2005

A cocksman I know who was very successful in the babe game once told me that "if you can make a woman smile or laugh you are half way up her legs."

I guess, but why would I want to be at her knees?
posted by chrominance at 1:12 PM on November 6, 2005

"If I was an clairvoyant abortion doctora in the late 70's* and your mother came seeking an abortion I would say I'm sorry I can't. I would explain to her that I was, in fact, not an ordinary abortion doctora but a clairvoyant abortion doctora and that upon touching her hand I was struck by a vision of her daughter a beautiful obelisk of a woman who smells the way sunshine feels and it would be doing the world a great disservice to perform and abortion for her. She would then say that she really needed an abortion and offer me $700 in Italian lyra*. Keep in mind that $700 dollars was a lot more money in the late 70's and the euro was not the be all and end all of European currency. I still would have refused."
*adjust to an age appropriate time frame.

Works every time.
posted by I Foody at 1:19 PM on November 6, 2005

I Foody -- you had me at obelisk!
posted by Kloryne at 1:25 PM on November 6, 2005

Chat up lines DO NOT work.

Check out David DeAngelo's hard work, learn from him, and Double your Dating.
posted by crocos at 1:26 PM on November 6, 2005

Here's my all-time favorite pick up line that I received when I lived in Oklahoma: "Hey, you're lookin' pretty good this summer. Wanna go out for a pizza or some cheese dip or somethin', sometime?"
posted by Kloryne at 1:27 PM on November 6, 2005

Metafilter: Verbal Signals of Genetic Quality

(Has anybody ever collected all of the "Metafilter: _____" lines that are suggested in various threads? That would make a hilarious page.)
posted by Jaybo at 1:30 PM on November 6, 2005

bugbread, I don't disagree with you. My comment was a generalization. But I do think it's POSSIBLE that your friend thinks of women as machines -- at least a little. The trouble is, I'm using really loaded language.

It think it's hard to play games and think of your opponents as fully human -- at least while you're playing the game. That still sounds horrible, but I don't mean anything deeply profound. I play scrabble with my wife, and I don't see my wife as a machine. Still, if I'm playing to WIN -- if I'm ruthless -- then I must objectify her a little. If I allow room for sentiment, I am at a disadvantage.

I also meant machines in this sense: we're all machines. We are "wetware." We all have buttons that can be pushed. It's not always easy to predict what will happen when you push our buttons, because we're highly complex machines. But we're still mechanisms that follow certain rules and programs. Someone who studies how these programs work can learn to push certain buttons for his own advantage.

Those of us who are his targets sometimes put ourselves at a disadvantage by denying we are machines. People have a long history of doing just this: denying. We each want to be special and unique and spiritual -- and we ARE. But maybe not quite as special and unique and spiritual as we'd like to be. Still, whenever science has tried to upset the place of people as special, people have balked: think of the fights over non-Earth centered universes, machine intelligence, and natural selection! We don't want to be animals or mechanisms -- we want to be souls.

I am also skeptical about "his female partner had a good time and no regrets." I don't know your friend at all. He's probably a great guy. And I know many women are also in this for the game, and have fun playing it. But that statement is CLASSIC con-artist. "I'm not really hurting anyone -- I'm selling them hope/sex/an ego boost/etc." I think it's 1/3 truth, 1/3 part of the con, and 1/3 what the con man tells himself so he can live with himself.

The thing is, though a pickup artist is gifted at understanding psychology (or at least at manipulating it), he's not a mind reader. He can't really know what the woman wants. What he thinks of as a game, she may think of as a lie. (Notice my use of "may".) And if I'm right that the really good con artist must, to some extent, objectify his target, he's not in the best position to judge whether she's in the game or looking for an honest, human interaction.
posted by grumblebee at 1:31 PM on November 6, 2005

Actually, the more I think about it, I Foody's line probably would work on my girlfriends and me. It's brilliantly ridiculous. And as someone said above, laughter works quicker than anything. (I did laugh at the pizza line when it was handed to me, as well. But that guy was sincere -- so it was more laughing AT him.)
posted by Kloryne at 1:31 PM on November 6, 2005

Confident people of either gender, I find tiresome and annoying. I see it as a sign of excessive self-regard.

Interesting, johnmc. I share your affection for the shy, hesitant type. But I also find confidence a turn on. I wonder if you're differentiating confidence from egotism. I think egotism usually is a mask of confidence that covers -- or attempts to cover -- extreme lack of self-worth.

Confident people never brag. Bragging is an attempt to convince someone else of your worth. Confident people don't feel the need to convince other people of their worth. Confident people generally live in the moment and just commit to whatever activity they are doing.
posted by grumblebee at 1:35 PM on November 6, 2005

Interesting, johnmc. I share your affection for the shy, hesitant type

They don't neccesarily have to be shy. I like talkative people. I'm a jabberer myself. It's the Tony Robbins, big smile, firm handshake, aren't I swell assholes who get my goat.
posted by jonmc at 1:52 PM on November 6, 2005

grumblebee, What possible basis can you have for imagining that its bad to "read & use the manual?" Is it bad to program a computer? Our instincts evolved to make us un-happy in ways which aid the propagation of our genes & memes. Both genders would be better off if they gave up on various farytails which cause pain, learned how the opposite gender worked, and found a more efficent way to be happy.

BTW, I think women tend to "read the manual" more than men.
posted by jeffburdges at 1:56 PM on November 6, 2005

Grumblebee:

Understood about your comment being a generalization and not absolute. And agreed about humans being machines in the sense of wetware. Regarding the Scrabble analogy: that's why I was trying to point out the non-zero-sumness of it. That is, imagine you have Player A, who has Goal 1. You have Player B, who has two goals: Goal 1 and Goal 2. And Goal 1 and Goal 2 are opposites. Player A plays the game with Player B to convince Player B to select Goal 1 over Goal 2. If Player A succeds, both players A and B obtain their goals. If Player A fails, then Player A fails, but Player B still wins.

I think that was the rough makeup in his mind. Humans, both men and women, are sexual beings. However, society places, to varying degrees, stigmas upon that sex. People then want both to have sex, and to be chaste. His goal was to get his partner to satisfy the first goal instead of the second.

And since there seems to be a mixing of terms here, I should be very clear that he was an enthusiastic puller, but in no way a con man. I can't really imagine him having lied when pulling (and I never saw him so much as fib to a female when I was around him). I understand that what you're saying is about folks who behave like my friend in general, though, and not him in particular. To be fair, I've never met anyone like him before or after, so I am under no doubts that he's probably quite the exception. I only brought him up because I mistook your original statement as an absolute, and not a general, statement.

Oh, and, completely unrelated: You've been a member since 2000...so why have I not noticed you until now? I greatly enjoy your comments.
posted by Bugbread at 1:59 PM on November 6, 2005

learned how the opposite gender worked

How about just dealing with them as individuals, not just members of a gender? Females are half the world's population, can any group that large have any real commonality aside from biology? and isn't it kid of reductive to think so?
posted by jonmc at 2:00 PM on November 6, 2005

Confident is having the nerve to approach a woman in a bar. Egotistical is the guy who approached me in a bar and proceeded to tell me that he is quite a bibliophile, and has trouble finding people who can keep up with him in conversation.
posted by amro at 2:12 PM on November 6, 2005

grumblebee, What possible basis can you have for imagining that its bad to "read & use the manual?"

I didn't actually say it was bad. I have mixed feelings about pickup artist, and I've certainly done my share of social manipulation. It's SO hard to avoid hot-button words. Social "manipulation" isn't necessary bad. It depends on one's motives and the outcome.

To continue the programming metaphor, it's not bad to program a computer. Programming by itself is a pretty neutral act. Programming Metafilter is good; programming a virus is bad.

What I literally said was, "He 'reads the manual' and figures out which buttons to press in order to get free candy." In other words, he learns how people work in order to manipulate them in ways that benefit him. Even THAT is not necessarily bad. As bugbread pointed out, one can extract something from someone else without hurting them (sometimes one even HELPS them).

But I think even the honest pickup artists sometimes fool themselves into thinking they know exactly what the woman wants.

Look, Metafilter isn't a good proxy for the general public. This place is filled with people who naturally think a lot about computers and also naturally compare humans to machines. I don't think that's the norm. I don't believe most people want to see themselves as mechanisms.

My main point was not that players are good or bad (I think they are both). My main point is that people ARE machines but most don't want to think of themselves as machines. Most want to romanticize themselves. And when you do that, you're at a disadvantage in the game, because the player doesn't romanticize.

why have I not noticed you until now? I greatly enjoy your comments.

Thanks, bugbread! Maybe you haven't noticed me because I almost never post on Meta. I hang out on AskMe mostly. But then I tend to blend in with the background anyway.
posted by grumblebee at 2:19 PM on November 6, 2005

Bar pickups are truly a lost art. Damn you, interweb dating!!!

My fave was a plastic cockroach in my drink. Confidential to J: I'm back on the market. Holla.
posted by Marnie at 2:25 PM on November 6, 2005

And if I'm right that the really good con artist must, to some extent, objectify his target, he's not in the best position to judge whether she's in the game or looking for an honest, human interaction.

This is true to some extent. A pickup artist looking for a thrill is not necessarily terribly interested in the individual uniqueness of the women that he is talking to at the bar, and is generally intent on finding a hottie with similar willingness.

But I don't see a lot of true deception either. For example, a man adopting a "confident, funny" role or persona when he goes out on the town is not dishonest, any more than a woman wearing makeup and flattering clothing is being dishonest.

We all try to put our best features forward, and leverage our strengths.
posted by theorique at 2:39 PM on November 6, 2005

I've said it before: there is one pick-up line that always works.
posted by deanc at 2:59 PM on November 6, 2005

I find myself 70% repulsed, 30% fascinated with pick-up artists. They are misogynistic nerds, but they are also con men, and I have a David Mamet/Ricky Jay obsession with con men.

I feel the same way about alt.seduction fast FAQ and player guide, which I read with morbid fascination one dreary afternoon. Whatever else they are, these guys are first-rate field psychologists.
posted by ori at 3:00 PM on November 6, 2005

grumblebee : I don't believe most people want to see themselves as mechanisms.

Sure, but such things can change. Its much harder to change our basic wiring. Life gets better when people figure something out. In this case, people will be happer if you (1) knock down a few of societies farytails about relationships, and (2) teach young people how to understand the opposite sex's wiring a bit better.

As a side note, I'd like to see psychologists able to litterally program or unprogram love of one person for another, through a simple & harmless regime of drugs & therapy, i.e. true "love under will." In particular, it would be useful if shelters for battered women could have a love inhibiter pill prescribed.

jonmc, Some people are good at finding a mate, some are not, but "why?" is a question with answers (eventually). Why do you think that those who are not good at it should just be stuck with their lot? As grumblebee said, we are individuals *and* we are machines. I'm saying that rejecting our machineness causes suffering.
posted by jeffburdges at 3:10 PM on November 6, 2005

Well, the article itself was about pickup lines The person using them might not be a 'pickup artist' just someone looking for a girlfriend.
posted by delmoi at 3:12 PM on November 6, 2005

Adopting a line from Monty Python:

"You are like a stream of bat's piss. What I mean is, you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around you is dark."

It's guaranteed.
posted by obvious at 3:14 PM on November 6, 2005

In one of those books about Feynman, he talks about using the following line:

"If I buy you a drink, will you have sex with me?"

...and of having remarkable success with it. There's something to be said for getting it all out in the open, but it bugs me on certain levels because it seems too much like literally buying a woman's sexual services for the price of a drink, thus treating her like a cheap whore, in a sense.
posted by beth at 3:26 PM on November 6, 2005

A pickup artist is a man who sees a woman as a machine, not as a person. He "reads the manual" and figures out which buttons to press in order to get free candy.

Disagreed. You've read The Game, right?

Nothing in there is secret or new. At all. Some of the pickup artists have really complex "patterns," but Strauss himself suspects that their successes could have more to do with acting original and interesting then any sort of deep psychological manipulation.

It's all about making yourself stand out. If you can't do that, you're just some random schlub who wants in the girl's pants. (which girls find to be a turn-off, for some reason)
posted by afroblanca at 3:36 PM on November 6, 2005

I'm not suprised the evolutionarists don't even consider the oh so rare possibility that men get picked up too, maybe even by other men, maybe even among Edinburgh students, heaven forbid, but I am indeed very suprised they didn't think of testing the best ever pickup lines in pop music, as decreed by the British public.

Imagine having the guts to walk up to someone saying, in all earnestness: "when I woke up tonight I said I'm gonna make somebody love me, and now I know, I know that it's you, lucky lucky you're so lucky!". I think it'd be a major success.

Runner ups:

I'm not trying to pull you, even though I would like to, I think that you're pretty fit, you're fit, but my gosh, don't you know it.

I've been watching you lately, I want to make it with you. With you. With you. With you. With you. With you. With you.

Let's all meet up in the year 2000.

You're disgusting, and you're nasty, and you can grab me, ooh cos you're nasty.
posted by funambulist at 3:38 PM on November 6, 2005

funambulist for the win with a scissor sisters reference!
posted by ori at 3:41 PM on November 6, 2005

yay! I've pulled! I knew it'd work.
posted by funambulist at 3:53 PM on November 6, 2005

Disagreed. You've read The Game, right?

If a girl who reads The Rules is called a "Rules Girl," is a guy who reads The Game a "Game Boy?"
posted by jonmc at 3:58 PM on November 6, 2005

I do think that it's funny that it was a big mainstream cultural success to have books on how women can best manipulate men to get what they want in terms of a relationship (the rules) but its clearly much less acceptable for men to codify the ways to best manipulate women to get what they want from a relationship. I personally find both sides of the coin pretty pitiable but information on pulling girls seems much more taboo than information on getting the ring.
posted by I Foody at 4:10 PM on November 6, 2005

It think it's hard to play games and think of your opponents as fully human -- at least while you're playing the game.

Whoa. One, there are no 'opponents'. Two, picking up a woman only works (at least, with a woman worth picking up) if you hang on her every movement and word. Your analogy is all wrong. It's not combat, it's more like a dance.
posted by nixerman at 4:18 PM on November 6, 2005

In one of those books about Feynman, he talks about using the following line:

"If I buy you a drink, will you have sex with me?"

Its from his autobiography, Surely you're joking, Mr. Feynman. Much of the book is about his penchant for pranks, and I've always suspected that this particular anectdote/advice was another prank, hidden in the book itself.
posted by gsteff at 4:25 PM on November 6, 2005

anecdote
posted by gsteff at 4:26 PM on November 6, 2005

But the real secret is to always remember and end your pick-up line with: 'Giggity, giggity, giggity! Awww right.'
posted by dgaicun at 4:26 PM on November 6, 2005

I wonder how much of the pick-up artist's success is due less to the skill he's developed and more to an increased number of attempts. I haven't read the Game (though I did read the author's Esquire article about picking-up Britney Spears), but the first thing that the alt.seduction FAQ conveys is the need to focus on picking up a woman not that particular woman. I wonder if pick-up artists with diametrically opposed techniques would have similar success over the same number of attempts.
posted by mullacc at 4:33 PM on November 6, 2005

Oh, and with only two clicks after going to ori's link to "Player Guide", I came across the following gem:

"So, has anyone here licked a woman in the but?"
posted by mullacc at 4:38 PM on November 6, 2005

To continue in the funambulist vein, I once scored with this girl in a bar by quoting "I'm so horny, horny horny horny" at her, then showing her my driver's licence. Oddly enough, my real surname is Horny.

(My first name is Temperence, but thankfully, she didn't know what that meant).
posted by Sparx at 4:55 PM on November 6, 2005

The thing to be said for the direct approach is that it cuts out uncertainty. If what you want is to get laid that night, then it can work to your advantage. Sure you will get rejected 30 or 40 times, but it only has to work once and you are on your way. On the other hand, if you spend all night chatting up one woman, and she decides at the end of the night that she's going home alone, then there you are.
posted by jefeweiss at 5:27 PM on November 6, 2005

Temperance Horny? That's too awesome.
posted by kenko at 5:28 PM on November 6, 2005

Didn't she star in The Scarlet Leather?
posted by dgaicun at 5:41 PM on November 6, 2005

The best pickup line? For me it was: "Can you drive a forklift?" I ended up marrying the guy.
posted by bz at 6:35 PM on November 6, 2005

Well, I had a pickup line used on me the other night.

I was at a campus bar, drinking at a table with my friends, when this girl comes up to me and says that she lost a game, and she has to kiss the most attractive man at our table. I'm not kidding.

It worked, but I imagine I'm easier to pull than most. The flattery is fucking key, I'm telling you.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 7:06 PM on November 6, 2005

Accidental gold pickup line I used in a bar once. Asked a hotgirl^TM if she was German. Because I'd just overheard a guy asking his friend "how do I say 'I love you' in German?" And assumed they had to be talking about her.
The catch was, I was being sincere at the time: I doubt it would work twice.
And it turned out she was gay. Just my darn luck, all the pretty girls turn out to be gay.
Wait, that makes no sense.
/confused.
posted by Catch at 7:27 PM on November 6, 2005

This all just proves why there should be way more arranged marriages. Personally, I wouldn't want anything to do with any woman that hung out in a place where some one-liner is supposed to sweep her off her feet.

I have a Siberian friend who swears "can I carry your books for you?" is still foolproof there.

Look all you desparate little 20 and 30 somethings out there - you're all missing the point. Stop trying to construct yourself into something that you're not. Successful relationships (including sexual ones) usually just happen to you by accident as you merrily go about your day to day business.

Oh you just want one night of sex? I think the going rate is $300 per hour, emotional baggage-free and your choice of skin tone.
posted by DirtyCreature at 7:31 PM on November 6, 2005

Hell, forget pick-up lines. I've noticed quite a few guys have success by waiting until it's almost last call and making their move then. I don't think they even have to
form coherent sentences in order to score.

Leave it to a country and western song to state the tacky but obvious: "Everyone looks better at closing time."
posted by bat at 7:45 PM on November 6, 2005

What fucks like a tiger and winks?
posted by Wolof at 7:59 PM on November 6, 2005

*winks*
posted by Wolof at 7:59 PM on November 6, 2005

Hey, babe, I lost my phone number.

....Do you.... know.... my phone number?
posted by The White Hat at 8:19 PM on November 6, 2005

Oh you just want one night of sex? I think the going rate is $300 per hour, emotional baggage-free and your choice of skin tone.

Or go to a bar, pay maybe $100 in drinks, get drunk and get laid! It's more value for your money really. Besides it's the 90s, the concept of one night stand was well understood beginning in the early-80s.
posted by geoff. at 8:58 PM on November 6, 2005

Since this is obviously going to devolve into a terrible pickup line competition...

Get a glass of water. Dip your finger in and flick a droplet or two on the girl's shirt and say

"Hey, let's get you home, and out of those wet clothes..."
posted by stenseng at 9:10 PM on November 6, 2005

Geoff...it's not actually the 90's anymore bud.
posted by stenseng at 9:11 PM on November 6, 2005

I foody: a beautiful obelisk of a woman who smells the way sunshine feels
Ah yes, very clever I foody. When she reacts favourably you turn away in disgust. But when she contemptuously remarks that she's not a huge stone or a fat cartoon character and surely you mean odalisque you crack a big grin. Finally a girl with some intellect.
posted by jouke at 10:05 PM on November 6, 2005

I read many years ago that another university studied this and came up with the worst chat up line ever, I won't ask your name, I'll just call you my bitch.
posted by quarsan at 10:33 PM on November 6, 2005

Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
posted by rxreed at 10:58 PM on November 6, 2005

The reason that lines like:

If I buy you a drink, will you have sex with me?

work is not because women are being treated like cheap whores. The reason that if a guy comes up to a woman and says that line, she knows if she says no, he will stop talking to her. If she finds him cute and wants to continue talking to him she either doesn't answer and keeps talking to him, says yes, says maybe, or says no and keeps the conversation going which ends up being the worst - because its an implicit yes.

What I learned when I lived in Senegal and was always being asked to get married by Senegalese taxi drivers (are you married? no. Marry me? no. Why not?) was that just continuing a conversation on a topic that you have said no to is an implicit yes. So if a woman keeps talking to a man after he asks her if she'll have sex with him, there is an implicit yes, even if she doesn't know it. Which is why the line works.
posted by zia at 11:31 PM on November 6, 2005

"Hey, you're almost as hot as the girl i fucked last night, what's your name?"
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 12:24 AM on November 7, 2005

Hey, ba-beh...uhhhh-huh-h-huh, uhhh-huh-h-h-huh-huh... If I, like, gave you some money, could we like...uhhh...you know...do it? Uhhh-h-hu-hh-huh, huh-huh-h-huh. You have like, nice thingies. Uhh-h-huh-huh-huh.

Are pick-up lines really necessary to get a woman's attention? I'm just wondering if there's a more genuine way to capture a woman's fancy (besides being famous, blindingly handsome, or the use of chloroform or rohypnol).

While I'm posting, Here are some of my favorite cheesy pickup lines:

Nice outfit. It'll look great on my bedroom floor.

Didn't I see you in [Playboy/Penthouse/Hustler]?

and the time-honored (well, sort of honored) classic:
Hey baby...what's your sign?
posted by deusdiabolus at 1:24 AM on November 7, 2005

I think I just thought of THE most obnoxious pick up line ever:

"Hey, bitch! Get your fat ass over here and I might let you abort my kid."
posted by deusdiabolus at 1:27 AM on November 7, 2005

Geoff...it's not actually the 90's anymore bud.

So you mean we can't all meet up in the year 2000 anymore?

*sniffs*
posted by funambulist at 2:20 AM on November 7, 2005

deusdiabolus, I may be wrong, but I have a feeling any phrase opening with an insult is technically disqualified from the "pickup line" category.

Are pick-up lines really necessary to get a woman's attention? I'm just wondering if there's a more genuine way to capture a woman's fancy (besides being famous, blindingly handsome, or the use of chloroform or rohypnol).

No, there isn't. Only blindingly handsome rockstars and actors on drugs get laid, and they only get laid with supermodels on drugs, so it's a mystery how normal people manage to get together. More research is urgently needed in this field!
posted by funambulist at 2:34 AM on November 7, 2005

I always interpreted "pickup line" as being the same as "conversation initiating line", so "hello" would also qualify as a pickup line if it was intentionally used to initiate a conversation (as opposed to saying something to someone ("excuse me" if you bump into them, or "Are you waiting?" when queing for the toilet, or the like) that wasn't meant purely as a conversation iniator but nonetheless led to conversation).
posted by Bugbread at 4:59 AM on November 7, 2005

"Does this smell like ether to you?"
posted by blag at 6:15 AM on November 7, 2005

The OC's tactical training center has a Carl's Jr. restarant, complete with manager's office. I would assume the most common drill for this location would be an attack leading to bad guys attempting to break the manager's safe. With that in mind, let's just say I was a little surprized that dark irony was not lost on the trainers.
posted by Pollomacho at 6:57 AM on November 7, 2005

Wow, could I have posted that in a more wrong place?
posted by Pollomacho at 7:10 AM on November 7, 2005

Pollomacho, and here I was thinking you just won the contest for most original pickup line ever...
posted by funambulist at 7:25 AM on November 7, 2005

It's odd. I've never used pickup lines, and I've never had real trouble meeting girls. The guy I know who talks an average of three outta their pants per week never uses pickup lines. He's just a nice guy who knows how to be dirty enough that girls are intrigued, but not so much that they're disgusted.
posted by klangklangston at 7:49 AM on November 7, 2005

You're the star that completes the constellation of my existence" is unlikely to make her swoon.

Anything this contrived is going to make me roll my eyes and turn my back to you. It signals to me that you are so bent on getting laid, you have spent time coming up with and memorizing a line before you even met me. So why don't you go try it on that fake blonde with her fake boobs and her fake fingernails and the vacant expression on her face-- she might mistake it for cleverness.

What works? A genuine smile. A "Hello." A moment of silence while you try to think of something witty to say only to blurt out, "I'm trying to think of something witty to say but all I can think about is how much I want to get to know you."

I still vividly remember the time a guy who was walking towards me and said, "My god, you have a beautiful smile." We became friends and then lovers.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 8:55 AM on November 7, 2005

dirty enough that girls are intrigued, but not so much that they're disgusted

Yup, that's pretty much it in a nutshell. And the best chatup line I ever heard was "you've got gorgeous eyes, but it's your tits that really do it for me."

Funny, rude, odd= perfect.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 8:56 AM on November 7, 2005

who was walking towards me and then stopped abruptly and said.....
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 8:56 AM on November 7, 2005

Lesson from this thread: being blunt, vulgar and objectifying is the worst way to pick up a woman, unless you do it with an ironic swagger, in which case it is the best way to pick up a woman.
posted by ori at 9:05 AM on November 7, 2005

vulgar and objectifying is the worst way to pick up a woman

It *is* interesting, because I've had the "Ride" line used on me several times, mostly by women. Maybe it's the specific Dublin clubs I used to go to...
posted by meehawl at 9:43 AM on November 7, 2005

Get a glass of water. Dip your finger in and flick a droplet or two on the girl's shirt and say

"Hey, let's get you home, and out of those wet clothes..."

Actually, this is sexier without the water...


found the best rated approaches to be those revealing character qualities, wealth and culture

I was repulsed the other night, in a very nice bar, by a gentleman who struck up with me. Older guy, late 50s, I'd guess, and within 10 minutes, he had mentioned:

1. His apartment in Paris
2. His home in Camden, ME
3. His home in Colorado
4. His good friend who is the U.S. importer for Belvidere Vodka
5. His frequent business travel aboard a private jet.
6. His enjoyment of reading (that was the culture part, I guess).

The guy was not unattractive, and I suppose this usually works for him. I'm kind of hard to get at, anyway, so it's hard to judge just by my reaction how successful this is. . But the naked desperation of walking up to a gal and, saying, essentially, 'I'm rich! Can I take you home now?' is just too close to whoring for my taste.
posted by Miko at 10:00 AM on November 7, 2005

...so how was he?
posted by ori at 10:43 AM on November 7, 2005

I've only ever used a chat-up line once, and it resulted in a profoundly disturbing six-month relationship.

It was closing time in a London pub, in the late 80s. As I staggered doorwards, I found myself being smiled at by an exceptionally attractive girl standing by herself.

"Hi!" I grinned, after a brief embarassed pause. And then, simply because I was too drunk to think of anything else, "Would you like to come back to my place?"

To which the angel of my desire replied, "Have you got any drugs?"

And the rest, as they say, is history...
posted by cleardawn at 11:29 AM on November 7, 2005

I’ve never needed pickup lines with women. I suspect part of my success is that I just like to talk to people and play rather than move toward some goal like getting into bed at the end. I figure if I had a good time chatting it was time well spent.


Women typically don’t need pickup lines. But the fastest I’ve ever gone home with anyone was when a woman said to me “I bet I fight better than you.”
A friend of hers was with the SCA and had taught her how to fight with a broadsword. I told her I was a martial arts instructor and trained in Kenjutsu. So then she said she could shoot better than me. I said I was in the military and told her what I was doing. So then she said: “I bet I fuck better than you.”


I mean really, who can resist a challenge like that?
posted by Smedleyman at 11:37 AM on November 7, 2005

...who won?
posted by ori at 12:59 PM on November 7, 2005

"I'm not boasting, but I buy my socks in threes."
posted by Zack_Replica at 1:13 PM on November 7, 2005

I never used lines either, not really. The closest I came was once after a few beers I approached a girl and said - with absolutely no sincerity and with a huge silly smile that:

"I honestly think I could make so happy that I'd wish I was you."

And it worked.

I met my wife by kind of doing that smile and hide thing until finally we were accidently face to face and I couldn't think. I'm rather shy. I said the first thing on my mind (er...second thing ;-)):

"I ever tell you about the time I met Michael Stipe"

That day I HAD actually met Michael Stipe of REM. So I was completly sincere.

I never had any problems with girls. Never even had that latency period most boys had... I always enjoyed the company of women. Please. Pimp is an ugly word.

I kid.

I do have male friends who just never seem to get through the outer defenses. Nice guys. But no matter what seem to come off slightly creepy or so painfully shy they can't turn a conversational corner with women. It's sad. I don't know why.
Lines wouldn't work for them no matter what.
posted by tkchrist at 2:20 PM on November 7, 2005

"This is boring. Let me know when you want to leave."
posted by jon_kill at 2:27 PM on November 7, 2005

I just like to talk to people and play rather than move toward some goal like getting into bed at the end...

That's a brilliant ploy. Does it get you laid?
posted by tkchrist at 2:27 PM on November 7, 2005

Today I watched the Tao of Steve.
posted by I Foody at 2:54 PM on November 7, 2005

Never even had that latency period most boys had...

Woody Allen/Alby Singer: What? I was just expressing a healthy sexual desire!
Classmate: For god's sake, Alby! Even Freud speaks of a latency period!
Woody Allen/Alby Singer: Well I never *had* a latency period!
posted by ori at 2:57 PM on November 7, 2005

I can't believe this thread is still going.

'Hey, want to see someting swell.'

'If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me.'
posted by dgaicun at 5:59 PM on November 7, 2005

I just like to talk to people and play rather than move toward some goal like getting into bed at the end...
- Smedleyman

That's a brilliant ploy. Does it get you laid?
posted by tkchrist at 2:27 PM PST on November 7 [!]

Et tu, Groucho?

...was it Groucho Marx who said "the key to success is sincerity, if you can fake that you've really got something?"


...who won?
posted by ori at 12:59 PM PST on November 7

Gotta go to Ovid, Metamorphoses, book three. Actually, Tiresias said women get ten times the enjoyment from sex that men do.
So really, whether I won or lost...she won. Now that I think about it I feel a bit used really. ...cool!


Hmmm...that might be a pickup line:
"Say, baby, did you know that according to the House of Thebes' legends the blind seer Tiresias says women get ten times the enjoyment from sex that men do? See, Tiresias was walking along and saw these two snakes doin' it, so he started poking at 'em and..."
posted by Smedleyman at 1:58 AM on November 8, 2005

I just remembered what is no doubt the bestest ever most romantic pickup line in pop music: "You're a minger, I'm a minger too, so come on minger, I want to ming with you". *sigh*
posted by funambulist at 5:49 AM on November 8, 2005