That's.... crap.

November 12, 2005 6:31 AM

"Every important marker of her life had to do with clubbing. She wore her first bra to a club. She went out without a bra for the first time to a club. Her first kiss, her first crush on a gay guy, the first time she saw Jimmy Choo sandals, the first time someone passed her a joint." A preview of the high literary talent that is Nicole Richie. (Is it eligible?)
posted by XQUZYPHYR (49 comments total)

I'd hit read it.
posted by chrismear at 6:37 AM on November 12, 2005

Who is Nicole Richie? Should I know this person? And why should I care about her god-awful-sounding book?
posted by Decani at 6:40 AM on November 12, 2005

Any entry is eligible, provided it is the first sentence of "the worst of all possible novels". However, as the first sentence is:

Chloe Parker would be a terrible role model if she were famous.

I don't think it would even be in the running.
posted by Bugbread at 6:40 AM on November 12, 2005

Anything to further the idolatry of the uber-rich gets a thumbs-up in my book.
Just like US Weekly says: See, they're just like us!
(They just wouldn't talk to us had they a choice.)

I used to look forward to the day when the oi polloi realized this 'trickle down' social system is really the pretentious elite pissing in our faces. Now, I feel like we've grown accustomed to the taste.
posted by Busithoth at 6:49 AM on November 12, 2005

Drugs were everywhere in every club. And drugs took the place of love.

Whooooaa. That's deep.
posted by graventy at 6:49 AM on November 12, 2005

Like Holly Golightly in Madonna-wannabe rags, Chloe had the ability to not only be in the moment, but to create it.

.
posted by matteo at 6:53 AM on November 12, 2005

why? why? WHY?
posted by tarantula at 6:55 AM on November 12, 2005

Yuck.
posted by leftcoastbob at 6:56 AM on November 12, 2005

What a publicist this girl must have. Bravo on the book deal, and remember to buy the kid a hoagie- she looks famished.
posted by maryh at 6:57 AM on November 12, 2005

Эта штука сильнее Фауста Гете.
posted by Krrrlson at 7:11 AM on November 12, 2005

(Is it eligible?)
Shouldn't that read "Is it legible?"
posted by bibliowench at 7:14 AM on November 12, 2005

Nicole Ritchie would be a terrible role model if she were famous.

On the other hand, thanks for the second link:

"The true spirit of conversation consists in building on another man's observation, not overturning it."--Bulwer-Lytton
posted by cleardawn at 7:32 AM on November 12, 2005

It's awesome that she's famous because her dad sang "dancing on the ceiling" that's the worst claim to fame ever. I can't think of a worse reason for being famous. I'm seriously trying and failing.
posted by I Foody at 7:40 AM on November 12, 2005

Seems teed up for ridicule, but it reads okay. Vapid subject matter, but it reads fine, like good advertising copy. Which means Ms. Richie had no more involvement than to do a couple quick meetings - which she arrived 15 minutes late for - while the outline was being constructed, sign off on a couple drafts - which her personal assistant read - and do some TV interviews and magazine cover shoots. It's product, pays for the limos and the drugs.
posted by TimTypeZed at 7:44 AM on November 12, 2005

Ok, now I'm starting to feel out of it...I thought we were just making fun of a bad book, but is the author some sort of celebrity?
posted by Bugbread at 7:47 AM on November 12, 2005

Ok, wait, that's a silly question. I've picked up pretty clearly that she's a celebrity from the discussion going on. I guess I should be asking "What type of celebrity is she?" Singer? Model? Actress?
posted by Bugbread at 7:48 AM on November 12, 2005

Now, I feel like we've grown accustomed to the taste.

Have you been to the supermarket in the last decade? Check the ingredients on the box next time you eat. Piss would be quite a healthy alternative.
posted by any major dude at 7:49 AM on November 12, 2005

Never mind, Wikipedia to the rescue: famous for being friends with Paris Hilton and famous for being famous, I gather.
posted by Bugbread at 7:54 AM on November 12, 2005

It's awesome that she's famous because her dad sang "dancing on the ceiling"

Actually, Lionel adopted her after she became a "mascot" for his band. She has not revealed the identity of her biological father.

More thrilling info at the wiki article.

Michael Jackson is her godfather.
posted by docgonzo at 7:56 AM on November 12, 2005

For awhile my answering machine message was Lionel Richie singing "Hello, is it me your looking for?"
posted by I Foody at 8:00 AM on November 12, 2005

"What type of celebrity is she?" Singer? Model? Actress?

Strangely enough, none of the above. Her father, as others have pointed out, is Lionel Ritchie but she became marginally well known in her own right when she did a reality show with Paris Hilton.
posted by LeeJay at 8:13 AM on November 12, 2005

Her part in the Fox sitcom,"The Simple Life," in which her and Paris Hilton lived on an Arkansas farm, is the number one reason for her popularity. Before that, she wasn't even a blip on the radar.
posted by Atreides at 8:20 AM on November 12, 2005

Can an old-testiment God smite this woman. Please? What the hell am I even doing in this thread? Lost me way, I tells ya.
posted by Dick Paris at 9:07 AM on November 12, 2005

"What type of celebrity is she?" Singer? Model? Actress?

There have been a couple of comments like this in the thread. I just don't understand how people can be completely ignorant of popular culture. You don't have to like it, you don't even have to know much about it, but how can you possibly not be aware of it?

I can't bear the woman -- or, indeed, the crowd with which she hangs and the lifestyle she leads. But come on, people. It really doesn't make you look 'sophisticated' to confess your ignorance.
posted by littleme at 9:10 AM on November 12, 2005

reads well? i think it's some of the worst writing i've ever seen. i'd believe it if she actually sat down and wrote the whole thing herself.
posted by timory at 9:10 AM on November 12, 2005

Wait a second: she was in an episode of Six Feet Under. What's not to like?
posted by Quartermass at 9:19 AM on November 12, 2005

I just don't understand how people can be completely ignorant of popular culture. You don't have to like it, you don't even have to know much about it, but how can you possibly not be aware of it?

I can't bear the woman -- or, indeed, the crowd with which she hangs and the lifestyle she leads. But come on, people. It really doesn't make you look 'sophisticated' to confess your ignorance.

To be fair, I can see how someone might not have heard of Nicole Ritchie. My father and stepmother have no idea who she is and believe me, it isn't because they're too sophisticated. If you don't watch too much network TV and ignore entertainment rags there would be no reason for you to recognize the name.
posted by LeeJay at 9:26 AM on November 12, 2005

It would be quicker to google her name than wait for someone to respond in the thread though.
posted by jeffmik at 9:34 AM on November 12, 2005

There's nothing wrong with Nicole Ritchie that a cliff and a hard push wouldn't solve.
posted by maxsparber at 9:45 AM on November 12, 2005

I'm curious, though. Who will buy this book? I imagine that the people who are Nicole Richie fans can't read, so it's a bit of a mystery to me.
posted by papakwanz at 9:51 AM on November 12, 2005

Audiobooks. And,it's got her picture on it. It'll be a bestseller if they stock it next to the tabloids at checkout counters.
posted by graventy at 10:22 AM on November 12, 2005

Is it eligible?

If only the first two sentences were joined by a semicolon. This:

"Chloe Parker would be a terrible role model if she were famous; trouble is that she was about to be."

would be an awesome entry.
posted by mr_roboto at 10:42 AM on November 12, 2005

I can't believe everyone missed the important info.

Paris Hilton may be prank calling Nicole.

Also, Rod Stewart says the quality of cocaine these days sucks.
posted by mrgrimm at 11:03 AM on November 12, 2005

how can you possibly not be aware of it?

I guess not watching TV has done it for me, but this is the first I knew of her (and, I hope, the last).

But I'm not here to say that, I'm here to explain Krrrlson's reference so I won't be the only one enjoying it:

Эта штука сильнее Фауста Гете. ['This thing is stronger than Goethe's Faust.']

is what Stalin is alleged to have said about Gorky's prose poem/fairytale "The Girl and Death." (You can read Time magazine's description of a painting Gorky Reads to Comrades Stalin, Molotov and Voroshilov His Story, "Girl and Death" here.) I think Uncle Joe would have loved Ms. Ritchie's opus.
posted by languagehat at 11:08 AM on November 12, 2005

Did Nicole Richie write it? I'd be surprised if she's even read it.
posted by Hogshead at 11:14 AM on November 12, 2005

Speaking of clubbing, I think an "important marker" upside the head would suffice.

"So, this baby seal walks into a club....."
posted by bigskyguy at 11:35 AM on November 12, 2005

littleme : "There have been a couple of comments like this in the thread. I just don't understand how people can be completely ignorant of popular culture. You don't have to like it, you don't even have to know much about it, but how can you possibly not be aware of it?"

We can not live in the US. It's very simple; millions of people around the world do it every day.

jeffmik : "It would be quicker to google her name than wait for someone to respond in the thread though."

True. I googled, and just found random shit, and then asked here, but then it occured to me that she would probably be in Wikipedia. Lo and behold, she was, and I commented "never mind, I found the info".
posted by Bugbread at 11:38 AM on November 12, 2005

Chloe Parker would be a terrible role model if she were famous.

Subjunctive! She's ok in my book!
posted by kenko at 11:55 AM on November 12, 2005

I just don't understand how people can be completely ignorant of popular culture.

Ohh? We are talking about a third-rate sidekick to a second-rate celebrity most famous to the world as the second half of "Paris and Nichole." I must admit that knowing that this book was published by the personality formerly known as "...and Nichole" both inflates and deflates my interest in this book. On the one hand, there is some interesting politics of trickle-down celebrity. On the other hand, my first instinct was that this was some personality given a contract from the equally overrated "blogosphere."

It really doesn't make you look 'sophisticated' to confess your ignorance.

Nonsense. People who admit their ignorance about some cultural product strike me as being honest in their admission, and frequently smarter in where they spend their time and money.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 1:38 PM on November 12, 2005

Just for reference, I wasn't trying to look sophisticated (i.e. my post was not meant in the "is this something I would need a television to know about" sense), I just don't live in North America, the UK, Australia, New Zealand, or the like, so my set of knowledge of celebrities is very different (Major movie actors, easy. Minor movie actors, hard. Major musicians, easy. Minor musicians, hard. TV, almost always impossible, with a few exceptions). And the only reason I commented was because I was surprised, as I was parsing the post differently until I realized it (really bad book vs. really bad book by scorned celebrity).
posted by Bugbread at 1:47 PM on November 12, 2005

When I heard she was "working on her first book" I wondered when she was going to be done reading it.
posted by clevershark at 1:48 PM on November 12, 2005

We can not live in the US.

Point taken. As an ex-pat Brit living in the US, I really should have thought about that...
posted by littleme at 3:13 PM on November 12, 2005

No worries. It can be especially tough to remember that stuff which is common even outside of the US, throughout the English speaking world, may not be common for everyone on MeFi, because, although we all speak English, we don't all live in English speaking countries. That even trips me up from time to time, even though I'm one of those people. (The one I always notice is when there's a pun based off of someone's name, and I don't get it, because I thought the name was pronounced differently, only ever having seen it in print, but never said aloud).
posted by Bugbread at 3:49 PM on November 12, 2005

I wonder fi she can identify different species of mushrooms?
posted by CynicalKnight at 6:28 PM on November 12, 2005

она понимает в грибах лучше чем John Cage. [she knows her mushrooms better than John Cage]
posted by bokononito at 7:52 PM on November 12, 2005

She appeared on Howard Stern and described everything as "hot". So now they make fun of her and play the "that's hot" soundbyte every chance they get.

So to sum up, she's famous for:

1. Being a trite 70's/80's balladeer's adopted daughter.
2. Hanging out with the equally vapid Paris Hilton.
3. Yoyoing between being fat and anorexic.
4. Having a heroin addiction as a teen.
5. Being an LA club urchin.
6. Using the profound phrase "that's hot" every chance she gets.

God, I hate the Noughties.
posted by Devils Slide at 4:25 AM on November 13, 2005

LA Dispatch: yikes, just got back from the Grove (my friend's 4-year-old wanted to see them putting up the Xmas tree) and we happened to be in Barnes & Noble when Nicole Richie showed up to sign "her" book. Jesus freakin christ: that girl is the skinniest thing I. Have. Ever. Seen. Seriously, she's gone way past a size 0 into negative digits. Her body is so tiny and her head/hair so big that I cannot comprehend how she walks upright.

Also, the place was packed with paparazzi and teenage girls, and the second she appeared it was like being in the monkey house at the zoo -- the high-pitched shrieking of the girls = chimps in heat, while the low bellowing of the paparazzi = gorillas battling for dominance. Weirdest celebrity experience I've ever witnessed in LA by far.
posted by scody at 4:35 PM on November 13, 2005

1. Being a trite 70's/80's balladeer's adopted daughter.

Well, Lionel Richie did play a part in "Brick House," and "Machine Gun," so he's not entirely unredeemable.
posted by jonmc at 5:07 PM on November 13, 2005

Yeah, he did have some credibility when he was with The Commodores, but he sold his soul (pun intended) in the 80's.
posted by Devils Slide at 11:36 PM on November 13, 2005