Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

November 17, 2005 8:26 PM

The top 30 facts about Chuck Norris
posted by docgonzo (87 comments total)

Awesome!
posted by Balisong at 8:31 PM on November 17, 2005

It was someone famous who once said, "Chuck Norris has 3 facial expressions, and one of them is 'with beard'."
posted by clevershark at 8:33 PM on November 17, 2005

I prefer the Vin Diesel version.
posted by dobbs at 8:34 PM on November 17, 2005

This is kind of like the Bill Brasky sketch from SNL.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 8:44 PM on November 17, 2005

Sorry, but I'm gonna call hoax.

I'm pretty sure at least half of these so-called "facts" are either exaggerated all out of proportion or just plain fabricated. I mean, really, how could he have lost his virginity before his father did? It just doesn't make sense. Think, people!
posted by soyjoy at 8:46 PM on November 17, 2005

Yeah, soyjoy. Some of these sounded fishy to me, too. Go scooby gang!
posted by frecklefaerie at 8:48 PM on November 17, 2005

Chuck Norris is a mammal.
The purpose of Chuck Norris is to flip out and kill people.
posted by klangklangston at 8:48 PM on November 17, 2005

Oh man. The Chuck Norris link was funny, but the Vin Diesel one is even better.
posted by vito90 at 8:49 PM on November 17, 2005

Seriously, I tried valiantly to remain above this simple-minded humor, and could refrain from laughing only up until I got to the one about the taxes. Then the coiled-up laughter exploded and hit me like a roundhouse kick to the face. Thanks, docgonzo.
posted by soyjoy at 8:49 PM on November 17, 2005

Chuck Norris must have run into Conan O'Brien, on one of those late nights when he ran out of women.
posted by Oyéah at 8:50 PM on November 17, 2005

I mean, really, how could he have lost his virginity before his father did?

IVF?
posted by pompomtom at 8:51 PM on November 17, 2005

I can only hope that Conan has the lever out tonight.
posted by chiababe at 8:55 PM on November 17, 2005

Chuck Norris is his own Grandpa.
posted by Oyéah at 8:55 PM on November 17, 2005

Chuck Norris moved to my neighborhood.

After I left.

Because we both know he has no defense for my bolo punch.

Now there's talk of me coming back.

Guess who's running scared?
posted by planetkyoto at 8:55 PM on November 17, 2005

This probably won't mean much to Mefites who haven't lived in Houston in the last 20 years, but I had no frickin' idea that Jim "Mattress Mack" McIngvale helped bankroll Sidekicks (not the Gil Gerard one...bummer...) until this thread made me go trying to remember whether or not Norris did some commercials with Matress Mack (I'm guessing he did.)

And Chuck Norris Action Jeans. This post reminded me of those, too.
posted by Cyrano at 9:06 PM on November 17, 2005

That asshole still hasn't given me my money back for that goddamn Bowflex.
posted by Jon-o at 9:07 PM on November 17, 2005

Sidekicks was nominated for an Oscar.
posted by car_bomb at 9:15 PM on November 17, 2005

Chuck Norris counts to infinity every morning before justice.

Chuck Norris invented a time machine to teach his younger self Karate and to feed himself to future Norrises. The man you know is actually an 8th generation Norris.

That the letters in Chuck Norris can be rearranged to spell URCHINS ROCK is no mere coincidence.

Chuck Norris has a beard with Authority

Chuck Norris invented blue jeans and white t-shirts.

When people point a sword at Chuck Norris and speak the words "By the Power of Grayskull" Chuck Norris becomes the mighty Battle Cat
posted by holloway at 9:20 PM on November 17, 2005

posted by Jon-o at 9:29 PM on November 17, 2005

f*ckin' Chuck Norris!
posted by nightchrome at 9:53 PM on November 17, 2005

> Current number of hits: 7228907
posted by kjell at 9:55 PM on November 17, 2005

He always makes it to Oregon before you.
posted by bam at 9:59 PM on November 17, 2005

"You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children." - I too like the Vin Diesel version.

Chuck's a girly man every Tuesday. Honest.
posted by troutfishing at 10:00 PM on November 17, 2005

On film, Chuck Norris lost to Bruce Lee in "Way of the Dragon". Later, he made Bruce cry in the parking lot.
posted by bwg at 10:57 PM on November 17, 2005

There's also Mr. T but I still like the Diesel one best.
posted by dobbs at 11:12 PM on November 17, 2005

And there is a Mr. T version: 23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
posted by blahblahblah at 11:13 PM on November 17, 2005

Damn you Dobbs. Damn you, with your super-fast touch typing skills!
posted by blahblahblah at 11:13 PM on November 17, 2005

Dude, you had like 3 hours since I entered the Vin one. I thought you'd gone to sleep.
posted by dobbs at 11:18 PM on November 17, 2005

Brilliant. Just goes to show that, done right, the single-link post can (roundhouse-) kick some major ass.
posted by donpedro at 11:25 PM on November 17, 2005

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

That made my day.
posted by brundlefly at 11:59 PM on November 17, 2005

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

I snorted.
posted by blahblahblah at 12:14 AM on November 18, 2005

Don't fuck with Chuck! ... T-shirt!
posted by xpermanentx at 12:29 AM on November 18, 2005

Sure, the Vin Diesel one is funny. But the constant references to Diesel having sex with women just breaks my suspension of disbelief.
posted by Justinian at 12:33 AM on November 18, 2005

The chuck norris one is by far the funniest.
posted by Space Coyote at 12:46 AM on November 18, 2005

I didn't LOL. Is Chuck Norris coming for me now?
posted by teece at 1:24 AM on November 18, 2005

Reminds me of Ross Kemp's homepage...
posted by hnnrs at 1:45 AM on November 18, 2005

Oh man. The Mr T one really kicks the crap out of both Vin and Chuck, as far as I'm concerned.

"Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him."

PURE GOLD, people!!
posted by antifuse at 2:09 AM on November 18, 2005

This has made the rounds before, but if you haven't seen the Conan O'Brien plays Walker, Texas Ranger clips, well, you haven't lived quite enough yet.
posted by zardoz at 3:21 AM on November 18, 2005

These are all very, very good. Thank you!
posted by stumcg at 3:45 AM on November 18, 2005

posted by Jon-o at 5:55 AM on November 18, 2005

Screw comedy writers! This is how all top ten (or thirty) lists should come together, by consensus. Or wait...wasn't that the original idea of top ten lists?
posted by fungible at 6:09 AM on November 18, 2005

"Thank you, Chuck Norris."
posted by Atreides at 7:42 AM on November 18, 2005

Well, these really should be complemented by a link to the Conan clips:

http://gorillamask.net/conanwalker.shtml

"Walker told me I have AIDS!"
posted by banishedimmortal at 10:16 AM on November 18, 2005

Oops, a clickable link for your convenience
http://gorillamask.net/conanwalker.shtml
posted by banishedimmortal at 10:34 AM on November 18, 2005

I tried not to laugh. I REALLY REALLY tried. I got about 6 down til I looked like I was silently dying of happy-red-face.
posted by cleverusername at 10:39 AM on November 18, 2005

I don't know why those are funny. I really don't. But damn if I didn't laugh.
posted by graventy at 1:12 PM on November 18, 2005

posted by jjwiseman at 2:02 PM on November 18, 2005

Chuck Norris once redesigned Metafilter in a day with no feedback and everyone loved it.
posted by my sock puppet account at 3:09 PM on November 18, 2005

Sure, the Vin Diesel one is funny. But the constant references to Diesel having sex with women just breaks my suspension of disbelief.

Exactly. While most of the Chuck Norris ones are obviously stretching the actual facts about Chuck Norris to a significant degree, that Vin Diesel one looks like it didn't have any serious research put into it at all. I would be surprised, in fact, if the authors have even met Vin Diesel, or interviewed his childhood friends.
posted by soyjoy at 7:51 PM on November 18, 2005

Hans Blix, International Sex Symbol, showers with VX nerve gas and starts off each morning with a steaming cup of botulinum toxin. http://www.cultdeadcow.com/archives/000286.php3

You can't just make this shit up!
(Also, who still remembers Hans Blix (International Sex Symbol)? And who still remembers Cult of the Dead Cow?)
posted by mrzer0 at 8:29 PM on November 18, 2005

Chuck Norris isn't impotent, he just hasn't shed enough blood to get aroused yet.

The capital of Chuck Norris is Beard.

The most common ocean creature would be any of several species of Chuck Norris, a deepwater fish sometimes called a Death Walker. Rarely visible at depths that man can readily reach, the fish is about the size of a blue whale, only much much bigger and awesomer. It feeds on souls sucked from the decapitated heads of sharks and mermaids, but only after it has first been orally pleasured by them. All of this is voluntary.

Chuck Norris was actually invented first by the Chinese in 120 AD.

Noritos^TM, a Chuck Norris flavored snack treat, was soon discontinued from the market after widespread complaints of dental injury from the all-too literal 'ass-kicking zing' advertised on the bag.

Yes, I'm reluctantly claiming these
posted by dgaicun at 9:21 PM on November 18, 2005

Revision and addendum:

Chuck Norris was actually invented first by the Chinese in 120 AD. Although they only used his roundhouse kicking fits as a whimsical New Years spectacle, completely unaware of its unparalleled warfare utility.

Chuck Norris once bought a copper-metal red Ferrari to match his beard . . . and immediately proceeded to beat it with his fists until it was a flattened heap of scrap metal. To this day he is still making payments on that car.

For Lent this year, Chuck Norris is giving up mercy.
posted by dgaicun at 11:36 AM on November 19, 2005

posted by Dreamghost at 3:27 PM on November 19, 2005

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
posted by dgaicun at 7:20 PM on November 19, 2005

Would "the man fucking ate an Indian" have worked better? Too late, already submitted.

DreamGhost, as the last person here I must commend you for this excellent seizure I'm having.
posted by dgaicun at 7:27 PM on November 19, 2005

I love you Dreamghost
posted by holloway at 12:20 PM on November 21, 2005

[Looks around nervously] Now that everybody is gone I can drop the taste level even further.

Chuck Norris' light-hearted cable series, 'Texas Eye for a Queer Guy', proved embarrassingly short-lived when, ten minutes into the pilot show, Norris flipped out and strangulated every gay man on the planet, save one, who was left in a coma as "a living warning to world youth". Lesbians were spared and proceeded to publicly make-out with and undress each other in a drunken display of gratitude. This remaining series footage was turned into 'Girls Gone Wild'.

Chuck Norris produces enough sweat during a single work-out session to fill a baptismal. Any infant dunked in this musky stew would immediately hit puberty with such force that ejaculate or menstrual blood would shoot out of every orifice like a high-pressure firehose. Chuck Norris would, of course, quickly punt any such infant out the nearest window, because he does not support abominations.
posted by dgaicun at 1:34 PM on November 22, 2005

It is said that the Eskimos have over 50 different words for 'Chuck Norris'. This is because managing the ever-present danger of roving, stone-cold, Chuck Norris justice, is central to their unique ecological niche and specialized mode of life.

In his grade-school years Chuck Norris was mercilessly teased for his love of justice, effortless way with women and swift murder-kicks. It got so bad he was forced to transfer schools. But Norris eventually overcame his handicaps and beat all odds by winning the Oscar for Best Shirtless Acting in ‘Delta Force 2’.
posted by dgaicun at 10:24 AM on November 23, 2005

Thanksgiving Edition:

Chuck Norris’ younger brother, Leonard Norris, might not be as world famous, irresistibly hairy, or awesomely deadly as Chuck, but he’s a local hero in Morris County, Texas, where his Pumpkin Bundt Cake has drawn in at least nine City Fair prize blue ribbons since 1987.

Chuck Norris’ blood is, in fact, not blood at all, but a rich, smokey-sweet barbeque sauce.
posted by dgaicun at 5:12 PM on November 24, 2005

Revision and addendum:

Leonard Norris, might not be a world famous action hero like his older brother, Chuck, but he’s a local hero in Morris County, Texas, where his Pumpkin Bundt Cake has drawn in at least nine City Fair prize blue ribbons since 1987.

Once, during a characteristic rampage, Chuck Norris stopped to ponder the meaning of it all: could there be more to this life than indiscriminate free-form homicide? Just then, someone in the massive pile-up bit him on the shoulder, and, with a swift neck-twist retaliation, it all came rushing back to him why he truly loves what he does. For the sake of kill-efficiency Norris vowed to never be introspective again.
posted by dgaicun at 6:12 PM on November 24, 2005

Fucking commas!
posted by dgaicun at 6:14 PM on November 24, 2005

Exclamation-point Friday


While he would be embarrassed to admit it today, Chuck Norris was somewhat of a hippie back in the sixties; he once punched Timothy Leary in the throat, and he even killed people at Woodstock!


As the first Westerner awarded an eighth-degree black belt in Tae Kwan Do, Chuck Norris is an inspiration to white children, showing them that, with proper mental, spiritual and physical discipline, non-Asians can master Eastern martial art traditions too. Norris also inspires Asian children – inspires them to stay the fuck away or get their little Kung-Pao asses stomped. WAAAA!!!!
posted by dgaicun at 8:08 AM on November 25, 2005

Chuck Norris walks with somewhat of a limp; this is not the result of a stunt injury, as certain media accounts have insinuated, but because of his cumbersome rhinoceros balls.


Ben and Jerry’s Chucklate Norris Nut is chock full of peanuts genetically engineered to kill you, even if you’re not normally allergic. Nevertheless, Norris’s tireless product endorsements have kept it one of their best selling flavors.
posted by dgaicun at 5:36 AM on November 26, 2005

One of my MeFi Chuck facts is currently rated #13, right below my favorite non-me contributed fact:

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 1281 7.5

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian. 66 7.47

It doesn't have many votes yet, though, so it could easily fall off.
posted by dgaicun at 5:02 AM on November 27, 2005

Still #22 (88 7.33)

Using only a couple of ordinary roofing nails and his fist as a hammer, Chuck Norris was able to convert a live bald eagle into a badass hood ornament for his monster truck.

One part philanthropy, one part court-ordered community service – for about ten hours each week Chuck Norris volunteers his cock ’n balls to the Safari Land Petting Zoo in Jacksonville, Florida.
posted by dgaicun at 4:42 AM on November 28, 2005

#14 (117 7.47)

Chuck Norris’s blood type is Unleaded.

Chuck Norris cut off his nose to spite his face but his face isn’t about to let that shit go unpunished. The only thing more insane than the battles Chuck Norris wages on others, are the battles constantly being waged between the various parts of Chuck Norris.
posted by dgaicun at 6:34 AM on November 29, 2005

#23 (175 7.31)

Chuck Norris is a card carrying organ donor, and requests that after his death, his unusually solid body be used as an attack dummy at one of his many Tae Kwan Dojos.

In another ambitious but misguided attempt to unite the traditions of East and West, Chuck Norris wears a large silver Hello Kitty belt buckle.
posted by dgaicun at 5:40 AM on November 30, 2005

#21 (254 7.26)

Chuck Norris has to pick up all his mail at the post-office; the city simply refuses to deliver it to his house anymore after he kept jumping out of his bushes, in full jungle camo, and bayoneting the mail carriers.

In another ambitious but misguided attempt to unite the traditions of East and West, Chuck Norris fed a baby panda bear Frito pies until it developed colon cancer.
posted by dgaicun at 4:51 AM on December 1, 2005

#20 (341 7.24)

I notice that most of the blogs that have picked this up since I've been on the top 30 have taken the liberty of censoring it:

- . . . the man ate an Indian

- . . . the man ate a freaking Indian

- . . . the man ate an effin' Indian

- . . . the man ate a f*cking Indian

- . . . the man ate a ****ing Indian

- . . . the man ate a farking Indian

Ironically none of these same blogs have changed the one about Norris tea-bagging Hitler to death. So the secret is nothing you say is offensive if you can use all them words on the Teevee.
posted by dgaicun at 4:43 AM on December 2, 2005

#29 (408 7.16)

If you ask Chuck Norris to name a friend of his, he will stare at you blankly for about 5 seconds and then answer, the black guy from Walker: Texas Ranger – in those words – obviously unable to tell you his actual name, much less the name of his character on the show. Recognizing his loss of face, he will then roundhouse kick you, and your bitch questions, up your mother’s ass, and retroactively abort you by anally jack-hammering her for sixteen hours using a strap-on made out of a rusty 14th century samurai sword. After your mother comes for the 37th time, Norris will finally achieve his own orgasm with a clean diagonal karate chop through her face, slicing off most of her head and convulsing her whole body and rectum, resulting in a geyser of your mashed-up corpse gore, 5 days worth of constipation, and approximately 3 1/2 gallons of Norris semen, to spray out of her ass like an angry volcano, covering the room, ruining all your baby photos, and filling a small tin bucket, which Norris will use to feed his pet sharks. The police, your family, and the Catholic Church will all just look the other way, because that’s what happens to people who dare to embarrass Chuck Norris in front of Chuck Norris.
posted by dgaicun at 4:47 AM on December 3, 2005

There, see? Not offensive.
posted by dgaicun at 6:25 PM on December 3, 2005

#14 (485 7.42)

America officially won the Vietnam War after Chuck Norris choked every last dope-smoking campus protester to death with his Vietcong ear necklace.

In another ambitious but misguided attempt to unite the traditions of East and West, Chuck Norris will be playing the role of a 6 dicked werebeast in a hentai remake of Delta Force slated for 2008.
posted by dgaicun at 5:35 AM on December 4, 2005

#15 (522 7.36)

Chuck Norris waited patiently in Al Capone’s vault for 63 years just so he could give Geraldo Rivera the surprise beating of his lifetime.

In another ambitious but misguided attempt to unite the traditions of East and West, Chuck Norris decided to bomb Pearl Harbor using the Blue Angels.
posted by dgaicun at 6:17 AM on December 5, 2005

#16 (555 7.36)

Chuck Norris had himself cloned 7 times only so he will be able to single-handedly gang-rape Vin Diesel after he kicks his racially ambiguous ass.

While Chuck Norris is the judge and the executioner, he isn’t the jury, because he can’t fucking stand jury-duty.
posted by dgaicun at 7:35 AM on December 6, 2005

#15 (621 7.37)

Chuck Norris finally ended the Cold War after the Russians invaded Afghanistan and woke him up from a nap with all their Goddamn noise.
posted by dgaicun at 7:56 AM on December 7, 2005

#20 (707 7.34)

Chuck Norris tried to play darts, but every time he hit a bulls-eye the dartboard exploded.
posted by dgaicun at 8:08 AM on December 8, 2005

#21 (840 7.23)

Chuck Norris once gay-bashed his own 13 year old son for not getting past second base on his first date. On another occasion he was forced to choke his 26 year old daughter to death on her wedding-day for being such a cock-craving whore.
posted by dgaicun at 2:46 PM on December 9, 2005

#20 (929 7.22)

Every year, in accordance with the Make a Wish Foundation, Chuck Norris uses a terminally ill child as a football to kick a Super Bowl winning field goal. Norris is both making and granting the wishes.
posted by dgaicun at 10:05 AM on December 10, 2005

#20 (1036 7.22)

Chuck Norris once choked a pregnant hooker to death after she demanded payment. It was the closest he ever got to the emotion known as “love”.
posted by dgaicun at 10:46 AM on December 11, 2005

#21 (1155 7.21)

After winning the War on Drugs, Chuck Norris got bored and killed a diabetic.
posted by dgaicun at 11:10 AM on December 12, 2005

#27 (1271 7.18) . . . uh oh

Chuck Norris once accidently killed a family of five in a minivan while driving drunk, but out of pure confusion that Chuck Norris could in a way contrary to American dignity, he was awarded a Grammy, the Stanley Cup and a Congressional Medal of Honor.
posted by dgaicun at 3:38 PM on December 13, 2005

#27 (1271 7.18) . . . uh oh

Chuck Norris once accidently killed a family of five in a minivan while driving drunk, but out of pure confusion that Chuck Norris could act in a way contrary to American dignity, he was awarded a Grammy, the Stanley Cup and a Congressional Medal of Honor.
posted by dgaicun at 3:38 PM on December 13, 2005

#16 (1414 7.26)

Woah, check it, not only on the rebound, but my Capone entry is up now (#23), next to another classic:

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. 1525 7.19

Chuck Norris waited patiently in Al Capone’s vault for 63 years just so he could give Geraldo Rivera the surprise beating of his lifetime. 1002 7.18

posted by dgaicun at 1:34 PM on December 14, 2005

!
posted by drezdn at 10:29 PM on December 14, 2005

Hey, I thought I was alone!
posted by dgaicun at 1:26 AM on December 15, 2005

#16 (1504 7.26)
#21 (1127 7.16)

The only woman woman-enough to satisfy Chuck Norris's mighty man lusts is Chuck Norris in a Cher wig with Tammy Faye Baker make-up and a dominatrix outfit.
posted by dgaicun at 11:44 AM on December 15, 2005

#18 (1630 7.25) . . . and we're back to just Indian

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type ‘Chuck Norris’ into Google and hit ‘I’m Feeling Lucky’.
posted by dgaicun at 5:24 PM on December 16, 2005