Comments on: Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

docgonzo — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 20:26:00 -0800

The top 30 facts about Chuck Norris

By: Balisong

Balisong — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 20:31:25 -0800

Awesome!

By: clevershark

clevershark — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 20:33:21 -0800

It was someone famous who once said, "Chuck Norris has 3 facial expressions, and one of them is 'with beard'."

By: dobbs

dobbs — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 20:34:53 -0800

I prefer the Vin Diesel version.

By: XQUZYPHYR

XQUZYPHYR — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 20:44:36 -0800

This is kind of like the Bill Brasky sketch from SNL.

By: soyjoy

soyjoy — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 20:46:49 -0800

Sorry, but I'm gonna call hoax. I'm pretty sure at least half of these so-called "facts" are either exaggerated all out of proportion or just plain fabricated. I mean, really, how could he have lost his virginity before his father did? It just doesn't make sense. Think, people!

By: frecklefaerie

frecklefaerie — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 20:48:14 -0800

Yeah, soyjoy. Some of these sounded fishy to me, too. Go scooby gang!

By: klangklangston

klangklangston — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 20:48:49 -0800

Chuck Norris is a mammal. The purpose of Chuck Norris is to flip out and kill people.

By: vito90

vito90 — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 20:49:16 -0800

Oh man. The Chuck Norris link was funny, but the Vin Diesel one is even better.

By: soyjoy

soyjoy — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 20:49:26 -0800

Seriously, I tried valiantly to remain above this simple-minded humor, and could refrain from laughing only up until I got to the one about the taxes. Then the coiled-up laughter exploded and hit me like a roundhouse kick to the face. Thanks, docgonzo.

By: Oyéah

Oyéah — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 20:50:42 -0800

Chuck Norris must have run into Conan O'Brien, on one of those late nights when he ran out of women.

By: pompomtom

pompomtom — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 20:51:55 -0800

I mean, really, how could he have lost his virginity before his father did? IVF?

By: chiababe

chiababe — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 20:55:19 -0800

I can only hope that Conan has the lever out tonight.

By: Oyéah

Oyéah — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 20:55:34 -0800

Chuck Norris is his own Grandpa.

By: planetkyoto

planetkyoto — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 20:55:52 -0800

Chuck Norris moved to my neighborhood. After I left. Because we both know he has no defense for my bolo punch. Now there's talk of me coming back. Guess who's running scared?

By: Cyrano

Cyrano — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 21:06:41 -0800

This probably won't mean much to Mefites who haven't lived in Houston in the last 20 years, but I had no frickin' idea that Jim "Mattress Mack" McIngvale helped bankroll Sidekicks (not the Gil Gerard one...bummer...) until this thread made me go trying to remember whether or not Norris did some commercials with Matress Mack (I'm guessing he did.) And Chuck Norris Action Jeans. This post reminded me of those, too.

By: Jon-o

Jon-o — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 21:07:52 -0800

That asshole still hasn't given me my money back for that goddamn Bowflex.

By: car_bomb

car_bomb — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 21:15:37 -0800

Sidekicks was nominated for an Oscar.

By: holloway

holloway — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 21:20:28 -0800

Chuck Norris counts to infinity every morning before justice. Chuck Norris invented a time machine to teach his younger self Karate and to feed himself to future Norrises. The man you know is actually an 8th generation Norris. That the letters in Chuck Norris can be rearranged to spell URCHINS ROCK is no mere coincidence. Chuck Norris has a beard with Authority Chuck Norris invented blue jeans and white t-shirts. When people point a sword at Chuck Norris and speak the words "By the Power of Grayskull" Chuck Norris becomes the mighty Battle Cat

By: Jon-o

Jon-o — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 21:29:33 -0800

By: nightchrome

nightchrome — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 21:53:19 -0800

f*ckin' Chuck Norris!

By: kjell

kjell — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 21:55:03 -0800

> Current number of hits: 7228907

By: bam

bam — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 21:59:29 -0800

He always makes it to Oregon before you.

By: troutfishing

troutfishing — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 22:00:58 -0800

"You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children." - I too like the Vin Diesel version. Chuck's a girly man every Tuesday. Honest.

By: bwg

bwg — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 22:57:26 -0800

On film, Chuck Norris lost to Bruce Lee in "Way of the Dragon". Later, he made Bruce cry in the parking lot.

By: dobbs

dobbs — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 23:12:19 -0800

There's also Mr. T but I still like the Diesel one best.

By: blahblahblah

blahblahblah — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 23:13:07 -0800

And there is a Mr. T version: 23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

By: blahblahblah

blahblahblah — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 23:13:47 -0800

Damn you Dobbs. Damn you, with your super-fast touch typing skills!

By: dobbs

dobbs — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 23:18:17 -0800

Dude, you had like 3 hours since I entered the Vin one. I thought you'd gone to sleep.

By: donpedro

donpedro — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 23:25:41 -0800

Brilliant. Just goes to show that, done right, the single-link post can (roundhouse-) kick some major ass.

By: brundlefly

brundlefly — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 23:59:41 -0800

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. That made my day.

By: blahblahblah

blahblahblah — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 00:14:02 -0800

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit. I snorted.

By: xpermanentx

xpermanentx — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 00:29:30 -0800

Don't fuck with Chuck! ... T-shirt!

By: Justinian

Justinian — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 00:33:53 -0800

Sure, the Vin Diesel one is funny. But the constant references to Diesel having sex with women just breaks my suspension of disbelief.

By: Space Coyote

Space Coyote — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 00:46:47 -0800

The chuck norris one is by far the funniest.

By: teece

teece — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 01:24:44 -0800

I didn't LOL. Is Chuck Norris coming for me now?

By: hnnrs

hnnrs — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 01:45:08 -0800

Reminds me of Ross Kemp's homepage...

By: antifuse

antifuse — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 02:09:35 -0800

Oh man. The Mr T one really kicks the crap out of both Vin and Chuck, as far as I'm concerned. "Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him." PURE GOLD, people!!

By: zardoz

zardoz — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 03:21:10 -0800

This has made the rounds before, but if you haven't seen the Conan O'Brien plays Walker, Texas Ranger clips, well, you haven't lived quite enough yet.

By: stumcg

stumcg — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 03:45:09 -0800

These are all very, very good. Thank you!

By: Jon-o

Jon-o — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 05:55:22 -0800

By: fungible

fungible — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 06:09:55 -0800

Screw comedy writers! This is how all top ten (or thirty) lists should come together, by consensus. Or wait...wasn't that the original idea of top ten lists?

By: Atreides

Atreides — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 07:42:38 -0800

"Thank you, Chuck Norris."

By: banishedimmortal

banishedimmortal — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 10:16:13 -0800

Well, these really should be complemented by a link to the Conan clips: http://gorillamask.net/conanwalker.shtml "Walker told me I have AIDS!"

By: banishedimmortal

banishedimmortal — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 10:34:47 -0800

Oops, a clickable link for your convenience http://gorillamask.net/conanwalker.shtml

By: cleverusername

cleverusername — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 10:39:36 -0800

I tried not to laugh. I REALLY REALLY tried. I got about 6 down til I looked like I was silently dying of happy-red-face.

By: graventy

graventy — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 13:12:38 -0800

I don't know why those are funny. I really don't. But damn if I didn't laugh.

By: jjwiseman

jjwiseman — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 14:02:50 -0800

By: my sock puppet account

my sock puppet account — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 15:09:29 -0800

Chuck Norris once redesigned Metafilter in a day with no feedback and everyone loved it.

By: soyjoy

soyjoy — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 19:51:27 -0800

Sure, the Vin Diesel one is funny. But the constant references to Diesel having sex with women just breaks my suspension of disbelief. Exactly. While most of the Chuck Norris ones are obviously stretching the actual facts about Chuck Norris to a significant degree, that Vin Diesel one looks like it didn't have any serious research put into it at all. I would be surprised, in fact, if the authors have even met Vin Diesel, or interviewed his childhood friends.

By: mrzer0

mrzer0 — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 20:29:17 -0800

Hans Blix, International Sex Symbol, showers with VX nerve gas and starts off each morning with a steaming cup of botulinum toxin. http://www.cultdeadcow.com/archives/000286.php3 You can't just make this shit up! (Also, who still remembers Hans Blix (International Sex Symbol)? And who still remembers Cult of the Dead Cow?)

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 21:21:10 -0800

Chuck Norris isn't impotent, he just hasn't shed enough blood to get aroused yet. The capital of Chuck Norris is Beard. The most common ocean creature would be any of several species of Chuck Norris, a deepwater fish sometimes called a Death Walker. Rarely visible at depths that man can readily reach, the fish is about the size of a blue whale, only much much bigger and awesomer. It feeds on souls sucked from the decapitated heads of sharks and mermaids, but only after it has first been orally pleasured by them. All of this is voluntary. Chuck Norris was actually invented first by the Chinese in 120 AD. Noritos^TM, a Chuck Norris flavored snack treat, was soon discontinued from the market after widespread complaints of dental injury from the all-too literal 'ass-kicking zing' advertised on the bag. Yes, I'm reluctantly claiming these

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Sat, 19 Nov 2005 11:36:37 -0800

Revision and addendum: Chuck Norris was actually invented first by the Chinese in 120 AD. Although they only used his roundhouse kicking fits as a whimsical New Years spectacle, completely unaware of its unparalleled warfare utility. Chuck Norris once bought a copper-metal red Ferrari to match his beard . . . and immediately proceeded to beat it with his fists until it was a flattened heap of scrap metal. To this day he is still making payments on that car. For Lent this year, Chuck Norris is giving up mercy.

By: Dreamghost

Dreamghost — Sat, 19 Nov 2005 15:27:09 -0800

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Sat, 19 Nov 2005 19:20:12 -0800

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Sat, 19 Nov 2005 19:27:21 -0800

Would "the man fucking ate an Indian" have worked better? Too late, already submitted. DreamGhost, as the last person here I must commend you for this excellent seizure I'm having.

By: holloway

holloway — Mon, 21 Nov 2005 12:20:14 -0800

I love you Dreamghost

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 13:34:18 -0800

[Looks around nervously] Now that everybody is gone I can drop the taste level even further. Chuck Norris' light-hearted cable series, 'Texas Eye for a Queer Guy', proved embarrassingly short-lived when, ten minutes into the pilot show, Norris flipped out and strangulated every gay man on the planet, save one, who was left in a coma as "a living warning to world youth". Lesbians were spared and proceeded to publicly make-out with and undress each other in a drunken display of gratitude. This remaining series footage was turned into 'Girls Gone Wild'. Chuck Norris produces enough sweat during a single work-out session to fill a baptismal. Any infant dunked in this musky stew would immediately hit puberty with such force that ejaculate or menstrual blood would shoot out of every orifice like a high-pressure firehose. Chuck Norris would, of course, quickly punt any such infant out the nearest window, because he does not support abominations.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 10:24:08 -0800

It is said that the Eskimos have over 50 different words for 'Chuck Norris'. This is because managing the ever-present danger of roving, stone-cold, Chuck Norris justice, is central to their unique ecological niche and specialized mode of life. In his grade-school years Chuck Norris was mercilessly teased for his love of justice, effortless way with women and swift murder-kicks. It got so bad he was forced to transfer schools. But Norris eventually overcame his handicaps and beat all odds by winning the Oscar for Best Shirtless Acting in 'Delta Force 2'.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Thu, 24 Nov 2005 17:12:46 -0800

Thanksgiving Edition: Chuck Norris' younger brother, Leonard Norris, might not be as world famous, irresistibly hairy, or awesomely deadly as Chuck, but he's a local hero in Morris County, Texas, where his Pumpkin Bundt Cake has drawn in at least nine City Fair prize blue ribbons since 1987. Chuck Norris' blood is, in fact, not blood at all, but a rich, smokey-sweet barbeque sauce.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Thu, 24 Nov 2005 18:12:07 -0800

Revision and addendum: Leonard Norris, might not be a world famous action hero like his older brother, Chuck, but he's a local hero in Morris County, Texas, where his Pumpkin Bundt Cake has drawn in at least nine City Fair prize blue ribbons since 1987. Once, during a characteristic rampage, Chuck Norris stopped to ponder the meaning of it all: could there be more to this life than indiscriminate free-form homicide? Just then, someone in the massive pile-up bit him on the shoulder, and, with a swift neck-twist retaliation, it all came rushing back to him why he truly loves what he does. For the sake of kill-efficiency Norris vowed to never be introspective again.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Thu, 24 Nov 2005 18:14:16 -0800

Fucking commas!

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Fri, 25 Nov 2005 08:08:22 -0800

Exclamation-point Friday While he would be embarrassed to admit it today, Chuck Norris was somewhat of a hippie back in the sixties; he once punched Timothy Leary in the throat, and he even killed people at Woodstock! As the first Westerner awarded an eighth-degree black belt in Tae Kwan Do, Chuck Norris is an inspiration to white children, showing them that, with proper mental, spiritual and physical discipline, non-Asians can master Eastern martial art traditions too. Norris also inspires Asian children – inspires them to stay the fuck away or get their little Kung-Pao asses stomped. WAAAA!!!!

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Sat, 26 Nov 2005 05:36:54 -0800

Chuck Norris walks with somewhat of a limp; this is not the result of a stunt injury, as certain media accounts have insinuated, but because of his cumbersome rhinoceros balls. Ben and Jerry's Chucklate Norris Nut is chock full of peanuts genetically engineered to kill you, even if you're not normally allergic. Nevertheless, Norris's tireless product endorsements have kept it one of their best selling flavors.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Sun, 27 Nov 2005 05:02:00 -0800

One of my MeFi Chuck facts is currently rated #13, right below my favorite non-me contributed fact:

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 1281 7.5 Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian. 66 7.47

It doesn't have many votes yet, though, so it could easily fall off.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Mon, 28 Nov 2005 04:42:11 -0800

Still #22 (88 7.33) Using only a couple of ordinary roofing nails and his fist as a hammer, Chuck Norris was able to convert a live bald eagle into a badass hood ornament for his monster truck. One part philanthropy, one part court-ordered community service – for about ten hours each week Chuck Norris volunteers his cock 'n balls to the Safari Land Petting Zoo in Jacksonville, Florida.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Tue, 29 Nov 2005 06:34:47 -0800

#14 (117 7.47) Chuck Norris's blood type is Unleaded. Chuck Norris cut off his nose to spite his face but his face isn't about to let that shit go unpunished. The only thing more insane than the battles Chuck Norris wages on others, are the battles constantly being waged between the various parts of Chuck Norris.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Wed, 30 Nov 2005 05:40:02 -0800

#23 (175 7.31) Chuck Norris is a card carrying organ donor, and requests that after his death, his unusually solid body be used as an attack dummy at one of his many Tae Kwan Dojos. In another ambitious but misguided attempt to unite the traditions of East and West, Chuck Norris wears a large silver Hello Kitty belt buckle.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Thu, 01 Dec 2005 04:51:22 -0800

#21 (254 7.26) Chuck Norris has to pick up all his mail at the post-office; the city simply refuses to deliver it to his house anymore after he kept jumping out of his bushes, in full jungle camo, and bayoneting the mail carriers. In another ambitious but misguided attempt to unite the traditions of East and West, Chuck Norris fed a baby panda bear Frito pies until it developed colon cancer.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Fri, 02 Dec 2005 04:43:15 -0800

#20 (341 7.24) I notice that most of the blogs that have picked this up since I've been on the top 30 have taken the liberty of censoring it: - . . . the man ate an Indian - . . . the man ate a freaking Indian - . . . the man ate an effin' Indian - . . . the man ate a f*cking Indian - . . . the man ate a ****ing Indian - . . . the man ate a farking Indian Ironically none of these same blogs have changed the one about Norris tea-bagging Hitler to death. So the secret is nothing you say is offensive if you can use all them words on the Teevee.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Sat, 03 Dec 2005 04:47:18 -0800

#29 (408 7.16) If you ask Chuck Norris to name a friend of his, he will stare at you blankly for about 5 seconds and then answer, the black guy from Walker: Texas Ranger – in those words – obviously unable to tell you his actual name, much less the name of his character on the show. Recognizing his loss of face, he will then roundhouse kick you, and your bitch questions, up your mother's ass, and retroactively abort you by anally jack-hammering her for sixteen hours using a strap-on made out of a rusty 14th century samurai sword. After your mother comes for the 37th time, Norris will finally achieve his own orgasm with a clean diagonal karate chop through her face, slicing off most of her head and convulsing her whole body and rectum, resulting in a geyser of your mashed-up corpse gore, 5 days worth of constipation, and approximately 3 1/2 gallons of Norris semen, to spray out of her ass like an angry volcano, covering the room, ruining all your baby photos, and filling a small tin bucket, which Norris will use to feed his pet sharks. The police, your family, and the Catholic Church will all just look the other way, because that's what happens to people who dare to embarrass Chuck Norris in front of Chuck Norris.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Sat, 03 Dec 2005 18:25:22 -0800

There, see? Not offensive.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Sun, 04 Dec 2005 05:35:42 -0800

#14 (485 7.42) America officially won the Vietnam War after Chuck Norris choked every last dope-smoking campus protester to death with his Vietcong ear necklace. In another ambitious but misguided attempt to unite the traditions of East and West, Chuck Norris will be playing the role of a 6 dicked werebeast in a hentai remake of Delta Force slated for 2008.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Mon, 05 Dec 2005 06:17:11 -0800

#15 (522 7.36) Chuck Norris waited patiently in Al Capone's vault for 63 years just so he could give Geraldo Rivera the surprise beating of his lifetime. In another ambitious but misguided attempt to unite the traditions of East and West, Chuck Norris decided to bomb Pearl Harbor using the Blue Angels.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Tue, 06 Dec 2005 07:35:26 -0800

#16 (555 7.36) Chuck Norris had himself cloned 7 times only so he will be able to single-handedly gang-rape Vin Diesel after he kicks his racially ambiguous ass. While Chuck Norris is the judge and the executioner, he isn't the jury, because he can't fucking stand jury-duty.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Wed, 07 Dec 2005 07:56:33 -0800

#15 (621 7.37) Chuck Norris finally ended the Cold War after the Russians invaded Afghanistan and woke him up from a nap with all their Goddamn noise.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 08:08:42 -0800

#20 (707 7.34) Chuck Norris tried to play darts, but every time he hit a bulls-eye the dartboard exploded.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 14:46:38 -0800

#21 (840 7.23) Chuck Norris once gay-bashed his own 13 year old son for not getting past second base on his first date. On another occasion he was forced to choke his 26 year old daughter to death on her wedding-day for being such a cock-craving whore.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Sat, 10 Dec 2005 10:05:53 -0800

#20 (929 7.22) Every year, in accordance with the Make a Wish Foundation, Chuck Norris uses a terminally ill child as a football to kick a Super Bowl winning field goal. Norris is both making and granting the wishes.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Sun, 11 Dec 2005 10:46:42 -0800

#20 (1036 7.22) Chuck Norris once choked a pregnant hooker to death after she demanded payment. It was the closest he ever got to the emotion known as "love".

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Mon, 12 Dec 2005 11:10:21 -0800

#21 (1155 7.21) After winning the War on Drugs, Chuck Norris got bored and killed a diabetic.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Tue, 13 Dec 2005 15:38:00 -0800

#27 (1271 7.18) . . . uh oh Chuck Norris once accidently killed a family of five in a minivan while driving drunk, but out of pure confusion that Chuck Norris could in a way contrary to American dignity, he was awarded a Grammy, the Stanley Cup and a Congressional Medal of Honor.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Tue, 13 Dec 2005 15:38:40 -0800

#27 (1271 7.18) . . . uh oh Chuck Norris once accidently killed a family of five in a minivan while driving drunk, but out of pure confusion that Chuck Norris could act in a way contrary to American dignity, he was awarded a Grammy, the Stanley Cup and a Congressional Medal of Honor.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Wed, 14 Dec 2005 13:34:10 -0800

#16 (1414 7.26) Woah, check it, not only on the rebound, but my Capone entry is up now (#23), next to another classic:

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. 1525 7.19 Chuck Norris waited patiently in Al Capone's vault for 63 years just so he could give Geraldo Rivera the surprise beating of his lifetime. 1002 7.18

By: drezdn

drezdn — Wed, 14 Dec 2005 22:29:27 -0800

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Thu, 15 Dec 2005 01:26:57 -0800

Hey, I thought I was alone!

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Thu, 15 Dec 2005 11:44:42 -0800

#16 (1504 7.26) #21 (1127 7.16) The only woman woman-enough to satisfy Chuck Norris's mighty man lusts is Chuck Norris in a Cher wig with Tammy Faye Baker make-up and a dominatrix outfit.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Fri, 16 Dec 2005 17:24:07 -0800

#18 (1630 7.25) . . . and we're back to just Indian The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type 'Chuck Norris' into Google and hit 'I'm Feeling Lucky'.