Barnum was right

November 22, 2005 6:11 PM

Breath Capture is a patent pending method and apparatus for collecting human breath as a keepsake display. Bonus: if your loved one can't be near you because you are surrounded by Vampires, the BreathCapture pendant can be worn as a crucifix. Before you mock this product, take this simple test.
posted by jonson (37 comments total)

Note: upon completion of the test, feel free to mock product.
posted by jonson at 6:12 PM on November 22, 2005

Regardless of how I feel about a person, there are certain loved ones whose breath I'd rather not wear so close to my nose.
posted by TBoneMcCool at 6:18 PM on November 22, 2005

I very vaguely recall an oldish bad horror flick that appeared on Elvira Mistress of the Dark's show once, about a scientist who figured out that if you captured the essence of a person's dying breath, that they would never die. I bet the scriptwriters are kicking themselves that they didn't slap a patent on that, because this product will owe them royalties.
posted by Drastic at 6:19 PM on November 22, 2005

This could have untapped military applications in the case of my breath after a night of booze and cheesesteak. DoD, gimme a call.
posted by jonmc at 6:22 PM on November 22, 2005

Along the same lines?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 6:24 PM on November 22, 2005

I completely failed that test.
posted by flod at 6:33 PM on November 22, 2005

The past few days have been a great collection of "wow, that's the stupidest thing I've ever seen, and yet people will probably still make money off of it, why didn't I think of it?" moments.

That includes the commercial for some goddamn "x-TREMEEE WHEEEL toy" that was just a fucking WHEEL, that you placed on a hand-held thingy with a string that, when pulled, released your _X_TREEEEEME wheeel and LAUCHED it SUPER FAST. The commercial was complete with the XTREME WHEEL being launched over small flames, through puddles, and over aircraft and other vehicles. When xtreme wheel was too small to be seen on-screen, xtreme wheel was surrounded with a circle indicating its location, along with a beeline indicating its previous path.

The end of days is near, I think would be the.. bullet point of this presentation.
posted by odinsdream at 6:40 PM on November 22, 2005

you watched the Family Guy rerun last night didn't you, odinsdream?
posted by jonmc at 6:42 PM on November 22, 2005

A patent pending? You have GOT to me shitting me.
posted by illiad at 6:52 PM on November 22, 2005

Of course, if your loved one is a vampire, s/he wouldn't have any breath to capture, except for the purposes of smoking and being asphyxiated in a moment that's somehow critical to the plot. (At least in any Joss Whedon series.)
posted by transona5 at 6:55 PM on November 22, 2005

(Patent pending means they just applied for one.)
posted by metaculpa at 6:56 PM on November 22, 2005

transona5 - Of course, if your loved one is a vampire

Is there a VampireFriendFinder that I'm not aware of? Don't hold out on me now...
posted by PurplePorpoise at 7:04 PM on November 22, 2005

I love our patent system.
posted by graventy at 7:13 PM on November 22, 2005

You don't own me! Don't tie me down!
posted by breath at 7:27 PM on November 22, 2005

I'm not just one of your many toys!

Don't drag me down, cause I'll never stay!
posted by breath at 7:29 PM on November 22, 2005

Save your breath.
posted by soyjoy at 8:07 PM on November 22, 2005

They need one of those commercials that convinces you that there's simply no other way to effectively capture the breath of a loved one in a glass tube. You know, the old:

Voice Over: "TIRED of trying to catch the breath of your LOVED ONE in ORDINARY JARS?"

*guy tries to collect breath from wife, drops jar, jar breaks*

Guy (pained look to camera): "There's GOT to be a better WAY!"
posted by notmydesk at 8:41 PM on November 22, 2005

notmydesk writes "Voice Over: 'TIRED of trying to catch the breath of your LOVED ONE in ORDINARY JARS?'

"*guy tries to collect breath from wife, drops jar, jar breaks*

"Guy (pained look to camera): 'There's GOT to be a better WAY!'"

That's awesome. Thanks, notmydesk.
posted by vernondalhart at 8:44 PM on November 22, 2005

The test didn't work for me. Maybe because I was thinking about someone's dragon breath being captured in a jar for all eternity?

I mean, are you supposed to save it, and like, smell it? "I don't miss Jimmy after all...his breath was like ass."
posted by SassHat at 9:02 PM on November 22, 2005

"Guy (pained look to camera): 'There's GOT to be a better WAY!'

Seconded, that was truly awesome. Reminded me of the mayostard skit on Mr. Show.
posted by jonson at 9:05 PM on November 22, 2005

take this simple test.

Oy vey.
posted by Opposite George at 9:07 PM on November 22, 2005

Sorry, I'm still rolling around on the floor laughing. The concept is hilarious.

Your friend—whose breath you're going to capture—should hold the cap between two fingertips in one hand, breathe steadily for 5 seconds into the tube, and IMMEDIATELY screw cap onto tube.

Yes, the technological advances in what we can achieve today never cease to amaze me. I wonder how they're going to patent this though. Wouldn't Google, Apple or Microsoft have gotten to this one first?

Anyway, thanks for making me laugh. This is gold. It's right up there with the Aneros!
posted by sjvilla79 at 9:24 PM on November 22, 2005

Our Company
Breath Capture is a small company with a big heart. We’re here to spread love around the world. More love can’t be a bad thing. Right? It only takes two people. Two people, with an undying friendship or love for each other. That’s it. Pretty soon, the love starts spreading.


I'm ready for Vomit Capture.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:11 PM on November 22, 2005

It seems like some sort of method for harvesting obscure D&D spell components.
posted by The Cardinal at 10:22 PM on November 22, 2005

Now think about what that person has left you.
Their breath of life. A living, breathing part of them.

Um, no. Exhalations contain respiratory waste products. The parts of you that cannot sustain your life.

More like "breath of death". Which rolls off the tongue better. (badump!)
posted by todbot at 11:48 PM on November 22, 2005

Related:

-The Henry Ford Museum in Detroit has Edison's dying breath preserved in a test tube.

-Mark Leyner's Et Tu, Babe features, among many many other things, the theft of a vial of Abraham Lincoln's morning breath, which was so strong that it could be used as a hallucinogen.
posted by Ian A.T. at 1:39 AM on November 23, 2005

Fill it with one of my late father's fabulous belches and you'd have something there. One of those wafting down the Thanksgiving table was like ICE-9 on the guests. The horror... the horror
posted by hal9k at 3:13 AM on November 23, 2005

They have these already. They're called balloons.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 4:47 AM on November 23, 2005

what a bunch of hooey!

no - not the product - the hooey comes from jaded comedians judging a product of the heart with cynical detachment.

I'm buying two. yes, seriously.
posted by PrincessRue at 6:24 AM on November 23, 2005

seriously? are you going to get the weird, dildo shaped one with the clitoral stimulator on the end?
posted by jonson at 7:13 AM on November 23, 2005

[WARNING]
Passing the test may be an indicator that you do, in fact, have Teh Gey.
posted by Jon-o at 7:20 AM on November 23, 2005

Just slice off your loved one's hands and string them around your neck. Much more intimate than a glass jar with "breath" in it. Plebes.
posted by Hildegarde at 7:22 AM on November 23, 2005

My heart is full of blood.
posted by Kloryne at 12:27 PM on November 23, 2005

Mock away at this lame idea, folks. But before sneering at the U.S. patent system, please keep in mind that "PATENT PENDING" only means that a patent application's been filed. Anybody with a dumb idea and some dough can file a patent application.

I can't imagine that a U.S. patent will actually issue on this silly thing.
posted by applemeat at 1:43 PM on November 23, 2005

I can't imagine that a U.S. patent will actually issue on this silly thing.

I'll bet you ten bucks they do get it.
posted by odinsdream at 3:06 PM on November 23, 2005

I wonder how they're going to patent this though. Wouldn't Google, Apple or Microsoft have gotten to this one first?

Microsoft has a patent on harvesting souls. It's an entirely different thing.
posted by lemonfridge at 3:57 PM on November 23, 2005

Am I the only one who read the tag "lovedones" as "love-dones", not as the poster may have intended? I had a bit of a chuckle over that idea.
posted by jepler at 7:13 PM on November 23, 2005