Comments on: Barnum was right

Barnum was right

jonson — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 18:11:52 -0800

Breath Capture is a patent pending method and apparatus for collecting human breath as a keepsake display. Bonus: if your loved one can't be near you because you are surrounded by Vampires, the BreathCapture pendant can be worn as a crucifix. Before you mock this product, take this simple test.

By: jonson

jonson — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 18:12:28 -0800

Note: upon completion of the test, feel free to mock product.

By: TBoneMcCool

TBoneMcCool — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 18:18:45 -0800

Regardless of how I feel about a person, there are certain loved ones whose breath I'd rather not wear so close to my nose.

By: Drastic

Drastic — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 18:19:30 -0800

I very vaguely recall an oldish bad horror flick that appeared on Elvira Mistress of the Dark's show once, about a scientist who figured out that if you captured the essence of a person's dying breath, that they would never die. I bet the scriptwriters are kicking themselves that they didn't slap a patent on that, because this product will owe them royalties.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 18:22:02 -0800

This could have untapped military applications in the case of my breath after a night of booze and cheesesteak. DoD, gimme a call.

By: mr_crash_davis

mr_crash_davis — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 18:24:23 -0800

Along the same lines?

By: flod

flod — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 18:33:33 -0800

I completely failed that test.

By: odinsdream

odinsdream — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 18:40:01 -0800

The past few days have been a great collection of "wow, that's the stupidest thing I've ever seen, and yet people will probably still make money off of it, why didn't I think of it?" moments. That includes the commercial for some goddamn "x-TREMEEE WHEEEL toy" that was just a fucking WHEEL, that you placed on a hand-held thingy with a string that, when pulled, released your _X_TREEEEEME wheeel and LAUCHED it SUPER FAST. The commercial was complete with the XTREME WHEEL being launched over small flames, through puddles, and over aircraft and other vehicles. When xtreme wheel was too small to be seen on-screen, xtreme wheel was surrounded with a circle indicating its location, along with a beeline indicating its previous path. The end of days is near, I think would be the.. bullet point of this presentation.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 18:42:50 -0800

you watched the Family Guy rerun last night didn't you, odinsdream?

By: illiad

illiad — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 18:52:59 -0800

A patent pending? You have GOT to me shitting me.

By: transona5

transona5 — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 18:55:16 -0800

Of course, if your loved one is a vampire, s/he wouldn't have any breath to capture, except for the purposes of smoking and being asphyxiated in a moment that's somehow critical to the plot. (At least in any Joss Whedon series.)

By: metaculpa

metaculpa — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 18:56:42 -0800

(Patent pending means they just applied for one.)

By: PurplePorpoise

PurplePorpoise — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 19:04:57 -0800

transona5 - Of course, if your loved one is a vampire Is there a VampireFriendFinder that I'm not aware of? Don't hold out on me now...

By: graventy

graventy — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 19:13:27 -0800

I love our patent system.

By: breath

breath — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 19:27:21 -0800

You don't own me! Don't tie me down!

By: breath

breath — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 19:29:04 -0800

I'm not just one of your many toys! Don't drag me down, cause I'll never stay!

By: soyjoy

soyjoy — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 20:07:23 -0800

Save your breath.

By: notmydesk

notmydesk — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 20:41:16 -0800

They need one of those commercials that convinces you that there's simply no other way to effectively capture the breath of a loved one in a glass tube. You know, the old: Voice Over: "TIRED of trying to catch the breath of your LOVED ONE in ORDINARY JARS?" *guy tries to collect breath from wife, drops jar, jar breaks* Guy (pained look to camera): "There's GOT to be a better WAY!"

By: vernondalhart

vernondalhart — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 20:44:22 -0800

notmydesk writes "Voice Over: 'TIRED of trying to catch the breath of your LOVED ONE in ORDINARY JARS?'

"*guy tries to collect breath from wife, drops jar, jar breaks*

"Guy (pained look to camera): 'There's GOT to be a better WAY!'" That's awesome. Thanks, notmydesk.

By: SassHat

SassHat — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 21:02:28 -0800

The test didn't work for me. Maybe because I was thinking about someone's dragon breath being captured in a jar for all eternity? I mean, are you supposed to save it, and like, smell it? "I don't miss Jimmy after all...his breath was like ass."

By: jonson

jonson — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 21:05:40 -0800

"Guy (pained look to camera): 'There's GOT to be a better WAY!' Seconded, that was truly awesome. Reminded me of the mayostard skit on Mr. Show.

By: Opposite George

Opposite George — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 21:07:39 -0800

take this simple test. Oy vey.

By: sjvilla79

sjvilla79 — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 21:24:06 -0800

Sorry, I'm still rolling around on the floor laughing. The concept is hilarious.

Your friend—whose breath you're going to capture—should hold the cap between two fingertips in one hand, breathe steadily for 5 seconds into the tube, and IMMEDIATELY screw cap onto tube.

Yes, the technological advances in what we can achieve today never cease to amaze me. I wonder how they're going to patent this though. Wouldn't Google, Apple or Microsoft have gotten to this one first? Anyway, thanks for making me laugh. This is gold. It's right up there with the Aneros!

By: weapons-grade pandemonium

weapons-grade pandemonium — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 22:11:49 -0800

Our Company Breath Capture is a small company with a big heart. We're here to spread love around the world. More love can't be a bad thing. Right? It only takes two people. Two people, with an undying friendship or love for each other. That's it. Pretty soon, the love starts spreading. I'm ready for Vomit Capture.

By: The Cardinal

The Cardinal — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 22:22:45 -0800

It seems like some sort of method for harvesting obscure D&D spell components.

By: todbot

todbot — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 23:48:30 -0800

Now think about what that person has left you. Their breath of life. A living, breathing part of them. Um, no. Exhalations contain respiratory waste products. The parts of you that cannot sustain your life. More like "breath of death". Which rolls off the tongue better. (badump!)

By: Ian A.T.

Ian A.T. — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 01:39:46 -0800

Related: -The Henry Ford Museum in Detroit has Edison's dying breath preserved in a test tube. -Mark Leyner's Et Tu, Babe features, among many many other things, the theft of a vial of Abraham Lincoln's morning breath, which was so strong that it could be used as a hallucinogen.

By: hal9k

hal9k — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 03:13:45 -0800

Fill it with one of my late father's fabulous belches and you'd have something there. One of those wafting down the Thanksgiving table was like ICE-9 on the guests. The horror... the horror

By: Civil_Disobedient

Civil_Disobedient — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 04:47:03 -0800

They have these already. They're called balloons.

By: PrincessRue

PrincessRue — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 06:24:03 -0800

what a bunch of hooey! no - not the product - the hooey comes from jaded comedians judging a product of the heart with cynical detachment. I'm buying two. yes, seriously.

By: jonson

jonson — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 07:13:54 -0800

seriously? are you going to get the weird, dildo shaped one with the clitoral stimulator on the end?

By: Jon-o

Jon-o — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 07:20:06 -0800

[WARNING] Passing the test may be an indicator that you do, in fact, have Teh Gey.

By: Hildegarde

Hildegarde — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 07:22:08 -0800

Just slice off your loved one's hands and string them around your neck. Much more intimate than a glass jar with "breath" in it. Plebes.

By: Kloryne

Kloryne — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 12:27:53 -0800

My heart is full of blood.

By: applemeat

applemeat — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 13:43:11 -0800

Mock away at this lame idea, folks. But before sneering at the U.S. patent system, please keep in mind that "PATENT PENDING" only means that a patent application's been filed. Anybody with a dumb idea and some dough can file a patent application. I can't imagine that a U.S. patent will actually issue on this silly thing.

By: odinsdream

odinsdream — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 15:06:18 -0800

I can't imagine that a U.S. patent will actually issue on this silly thing. I'll bet you ten bucks they do get it.

By: lemonfridge

lemonfridge — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 15:57:56 -0800

I wonder how they're going to patent this though. Wouldn't Google, Apple or Microsoft have gotten to this one first? Microsoft has a patent on harvesting souls. It's an entirely different thing.

By: jepler

jepler — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 19:13:00 -0800

Am I the only one who read the tag "lovedones" as "love-dones", not as the poster may have intended? I had a bit of a chuckle over that idea.