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Mmm... nutrients.
November 27, 2005 6:53 AM   Subscribe

HOOAH! "The world's most powerful military has devoted its considerable resources to making an energy bar, and the results are impressive." Finally, you too can enjoy the delicious cuisine of the U.S. Military without having to join.
posted by XQUZYPHYR (59 comments total)

 
"Hey, Deng Xiao Ping died!"
posted by ab'd al'Hazred at 6:55 AM on November 27, 2005


you too can enjoy the delicious cuisine of the U.S. Military without having to join.

Get a job at a gas station in a bad neighborhood, too. Then you also get the experience of risking your life for oil.
posted by Mayor Curley at 7:06 AM on November 27, 2005


Corn syrup, soy protein isolate, fructose and maltodextrin? Wow!
In related news, I heard Burger King is combining meat and cheese and lettuce and tomato in a totally new way!
I'm going to drive around in my Hummer 2 with my yellow ribbon magnet eating one of these so everyone thinks I'm mil-chic.
posted by Smedleyman at 7:08 AM on November 27, 2005


But guys, you can do 19% more pull-ups!
posted by Mach5 at 7:13 AM on November 27, 2005


corn syrup, fructose, palm oil? no serious exercise/bodybuilding/health nut would eat this. they might as well call it the poseur bar.
posted by rxrfrx at 7:14 AM on November 27, 2005


The Combat Feeding Lab in Natick, MA took literally years to develop the HOOAH bar. I've had one; it was quite tasty.
posted by killdevil at 7:22 AM on November 27, 2005


it was quite tasty

Interesting that the word "taste" appears nowhere in this.
posted by StickyCarpet at 7:25 AM on November 27, 2005


Wow. That's a really horrible website.
posted by punkrockrat at 7:25 AM on November 27, 2005


The Columbia Icefield in Jasper, Alberta took literally years to develop the Athabasca Glacier. I've had one; it was quite tasty.
posted by furtive at 7:27 AM on November 27, 2005


Isn't "HOOAH!" the sound of one marine puking?
posted by eriko at 8:02 AM on November 27, 2005


... the sound of one marine puking?

Is that some sort of zen koan?
posted by TonyRobots at 8:08 AM on November 27, 2005


This is actually a pretty funny marketing campaign, designed to appeal to slackjawed red staters:

"A portion of the proceeds from every HOOAH! bar helps fund government research that improves Soldier safety, diet, and quality of life."

Of course it does-- because the company signed a licensing agreement with the military's food science department! It's not exactly philanthropy if you need to give the money to stay in business.
posted by Mayor Curley at 8:21 AM on November 27, 2005


ab'd al'Hazred: "Hey, Deng Xiao Ping died!"

A bushel of apples packed in every bar, plus a secret ingredient that unleashes the awesome power of apples!
posted by Plutor at 8:35 AM on November 27, 2005


"Platoon Sergeant, Bravo Co., 4th Recon Battalion, US Marines. Deployed to Fallujah, Iraq, in 2004, he was charged with apprehension of high value targets." Maybe with HOOAH! he upped that by 19%?
posted by leebree at 8:42 AM on November 27, 2005


I craved energy bars in Baghdad; they make great breakfast when you don't have time to stop by the mess in the morning. Unfortunately, the PX sold out of them almost instantly. One of my happiest days there was when my wife's aunt sent a big box of Clif bars. mmmmm . . . . coffee toffee . . . .

That said . . .

subjects consuming the HOOAH! bar showed a 19% improvement in their ability to do pull-ups before and after a march

Duh. If I ate several teaspoons of corn syrup, I'd have a sugar rush too. To be fair, if you read further it looks like the more interesting nutritional qualities of the bar are a good balance of fats (for slow-burn activities like foot patrol) and slow-release carbs (for aerobic stuff like running). So, similar to Balance bars and the like, it's an energy bar that's meant as a meal replacement and not just a spike-and-crash sugar bomb for fat office workers.

However, the thing that really makes it custom-tailored for the military is probably its cheapness to produce and long shelf life.
posted by xthlc at 8:45 AM on November 27, 2005


I should start collecting this stuff. Imagine the power I'll feel if I wash my HOOAH down with some Pimp Juice
posted by celerystick at 8:47 AM on November 27, 2005


The ideal military nutrition bar would make you perform better until you're 26 years old and then kill you so they don't have to pay you benefits.
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:21 AM on November 27, 2005


the delicious cuisine of the U.S. Military

If you listen carefully you can hear an entire platoon pointing at their MREs and laughing their arses off.
posted by Zinger at 9:43 AM on November 27, 2005


Man, with pimp juice, Steven Seagal juice, and now this, the US military is gonna be on a big enough sugar high to start at least two more unnecessary wars.
posted by snoktruix at 9:48 AM on November 27, 2005


See also ...
posted by ericb at 10:01 AM on November 27, 2005


Perhaps HOOAH is named after the sound that Al Pacino's blind ex-marine makes in Scent of A Woman?
posted by fungible at 10:19 AM on November 27, 2005


Hey, I'll eat almost anything apple-cinnamon flavored. Sign me up!

Hey, what's this black spot inside the wrapper? WTF? Drafted? No, I take it back!
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
posted by Eideteker at 10:20 AM on November 27, 2005


(That was supposed to be me being dragged off to fight for oil moneys.)
posted by Eideteker at 10:21 AM on November 27, 2005


Eideteker, initially I read that as "oil monkeys," which conjured up rather disturbing images.

Also, I've heard mixed reviews on MRE's. My freind Kevin was in nuke silos for a few years and he said they weren't to bad. My dad said that in Vietnam, the food in basecamp was better than you'd imagine, but he dosen't have the world's best palate so who knows?
posted by jonmc at 10:36 AM on November 27, 2005


Isn't "HOOAH!" the sound of one marine puking?

the army says "hooah!", the marines say "oorah!", duh. they always have box of these terrible things by the exit at the chow hall, usually apple cinnamon flavor, i think. the wrappers on ours are jungle camouflage, though.

i usually grab couple on my way out if i am going to miss lunch or am going diving. they are gooey, sweet, have rice crispie like thingies in them, and if it gets above 30 degrees centigrade (and goodness knows the US never sends its army anywhere hot) they have the consistency of play-doh. in fairness, though, i don't think there is an energy bar on the market that i would give a good review for.

my theory on them has been that they are the result of a disabled veterans award contract for energy bars. the army does lots of things like that. the chow hall styrofoam cups say "oklahoma league for the blind" on the bottom; and yes, it's raised.
posted by bryak at 10:42 AM on November 27, 2005


jon: I was waiting for someone to read it that way. 15 minutes, we have a new record!
posted by Eideteker at 10:45 AM on November 27, 2005


I like the datrex bars and the sos bars. I also like the 3,600 kcal, with a little peanut butter.

I prefer homemade though.
posted by Smedleyman at 10:56 AM on November 27, 2005


bryak if you get the baked kind they don't melt or freeze.
posted by Smedleyman at 10:59 AM on November 27, 2005


Sorry, I've sworn off food in bar form.
posted by ilsa at 11:03 AM on November 27, 2005


I had one of these. Ever since, I spend my nights spying on my neighbors. I saw this gun for sale at Wal-Mart and even though I've always hated guns, I knew it was time. Also, I can't remember a lot of things. I'm reading back through some of my LJ entries and I make a lot of jokes about GW but I can't seem to think why I would do that!
posted by panoptican at 11:22 AM on November 27, 2005


Me too ilsa, after that whole spaghetti and meat ball bar incident...
posted by parallax7d at 11:28 AM on November 27, 2005


Sort of a double, but yeah. I always wondered why we had to re-invent the PowerBar, but in the DoD we're not really capable of simple stuff like stock rotation so we over-engineer every item. The commercial versions have six month shelf life, and this lasts three years. Still tastes like shit, though.
posted by fixedgear at 11:33 AM on November 27, 2005


I love that you can order it from Amazon.
posted by RockCorpse at 11:39 AM on November 27, 2005


parallax7d - did it have anything to do with this?
posted by PurplePorpoise at 11:42 AM on November 27, 2005


Corn syrup, soy protein isolate, fructose and maltodextrin? Wow!
You forgot the special secret ingredient--ground Iraqi
posted by amberglow at 11:53 AM on November 27, 2005


It'd be funny, if we weren't paying for it every day in our taxes.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 12:09 PM on November 27, 2005


I was at a mountain biking event over the summer where these were given to the participants. This was the worst tasting energy bar I've ever had. I don't think it's a coincidence that re-enlistment is down since this bar has been in use.
posted by cmfletcher at 12:27 PM on November 27, 2005


hooah
posted by psmealey at 12:44 PM on November 27, 2005


This was the worst tasting energy bar I've ever had.

Not surprising. The reason PowerBars still sell is that they are very digestible, even when your stomach wants nothing to do with food.

The reason Clif bars sell is that people have tasted PowerBars.

But neither of them will last six years in storage, or 6 months with ambient temps over 30C. The long term storage part is easy. It's the storage in very hot or very cold temp requirments that make military rations hard to design and nearly impossible to make truly tasty.
posted by eriko at 12:49 PM on November 27, 2005


I've had one of these - it wasnt bad at all.
posted by mrbill at 12:56 PM on November 27, 2005


I like the datrex bars and the sos bars.

I prefer the Datrex Blue rations.

More Hooah! 1 2 3
posted by loquacious at 12:57 PM on November 27, 2005


Yeah, don't use Power Bars or Clif Bars for long term food storage or emergency preparedness kits.

From personal experience I know that Power Bars rapidly become inedible bricks when stored, especially when exposed to temperature extremes.

Yeah, I know, they're already inedible bricks. They get even more inedible.
posted by loquacious at 12:59 PM on November 27, 2005


It's the storage in very hot or very cold temp requirements that make military rations hard to design and nearly impossible to make truly tasty.

Not exactly. The storage life comes from the packaging. Barrier films that ensure longer shelf life may drive costs up, but they have nothing to do with the taste profile. The reason that they don't taste very good - though the quality is light years ahead of where it was twenty years ago - has more to do with the manufacturing process.
posted by fixedgear at 1:09 PM on November 27, 2005


Luna Bars actually taste good (to me). But they're for girls.
posted by dame at 2:31 PM on November 27, 2005


I wonder what portion of this tasty treat cost us all 222 billion $US and counting.
posted by Rothko at 2:33 PM on November 27, 2005


I kinda like the Datrex blues, too, loquacious. I keep some at the office, and some in my car. Supposedly, they're immune to temperature extremes. I've tasted them, and they're not bad at all. Nothing I'd really want to eat as a snack, though.
posted by MrMoonPie at 2:38 PM on November 27, 2005


Probably not that much considering we haven't had to actually pay much since its financed through the cutting of programs and bonds. Only interest rates so far... we wont have to actually pay the $222 bil until later!
posted by j-urb at 2:39 PM on November 27, 2005


Luna Bars actually taste good (to me). But they're for girls

So, if I eat them will I grow boobs? And if so, how many will I have to eat to get DD's?
posted by jonmc at 2:54 PM on November 27, 2005


You forgot the special secret ingredient--ground Iraqi

that's falafel, not power bars.
posted by jonmc at 2:55 PM on November 27, 2005


Weird. 5 beers into a really bad day, I just supported the troops by eating a HOOAH!. It didn't make my wife come back, but that about-to-puke feeling has actually subsided.
posted by gilgamix at 4:07 PM on November 27, 2005



Sorry, I've sworn off food in bar form.
posted by ilsa at 11:03 AM PST on November 27 [!]


Seconded.
posted by Balisong at 4:28 PM on November 27, 2005


Bring back Space Food Sticks®!
posted by hal9k at 5:33 PM on November 27, 2005


Intruiged about MREs I found this which even has pictures of the gloop.
posted by snoktruix at 6:36 PM on November 27, 2005


From now on, I'm going to shout HOOAH! every time I enter a room.


Luna Bars actually taste good (to me).

Ooof. My mother-in-law seems to think that my wife really likes those Luna Bars and, to be fair, she doesn't mind them. (I, on the other hand, refer to them as "Loser Bars.") At any rate, my mother in law has been buying cases of Loser Bars from some scratch-and-dent grocery store in her area and has been foisting these goddamn things on us nearly every time we visit. We've still got about 50 bars left from a visit back in May.
I haven't gone near those things since she gave us a case that was neither scratched nor dented but expired. You wouldn't believe that those things could expire but they do. They go from tasting like styrofoam to tasting like masonite.


Oh, and from snoktruix's link:
I might have to name my band "Country Captain Chicken and Buttered Noodles" after MRE variation #4.
posted by Jon-o at 9:47 PM on November 27, 2005


How do these taste with a cold, delicious bottle of Pepsi Blue?
posted by crunchland at 10:12 PM on November 27, 2005


One question about the pullups...

What's 19% of zero?
posted by Samizdata at 12:36 AM on November 28, 2005


if you are wondering exactly how "hooah" is used properly in a sentence, imagine the gang meeting scene from the warriors, and every time cyrus says "can you dig it!?" substitute "hooah!?" and then all the gangs shout "hooah!" back.
posted by bryak at 12:48 AM on November 28, 2005


So if this thing doesn't sell, does that mean the terrorists win?

(Sorry. Had to do it, it was right there.)
posted by deusdiabolus at 1:30 AM on November 28, 2005


Hey, I wrote a writeup about these in March. Still haven't gotten one. They seem to get bought at the snack bar, though.
posted by etoile at 7:19 PM on December 2, 2005


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