Subscribe[Joe Chip] vigorously strode to the apt door, turned the knob and pulled on the release bolt.- Philip K. Dick, Ubik
The door refused to open. It said, 'Five cents please.'
He searched his pockets. No more coins; nothing. 'I'll pay you tomorrow,' he told the door. Agin he tried the knob. Again it remained locked tight. 'What I pay you,' he informed it, 'is in the nature of a gratuity; I don't have to pay you.'
'I think otherwise,' the door said. 'Look in the purchase contract you signed when you bought this conapt.'
In his desk drawer he found the contract; since signing it he had found it necessary to refer to the document many times. Sure enough; payment to his door for opening and shutting constituted a mandatory fee. Not a tip.
'You discover I'm right,' the door said. It sounded smug.
From the drawer behind the sink Joe Chip got a stainless steel knife; with it he began systematically to unscrew the bolt assembly of his apt's money-gulping door.
'I'll sue you,' the door said, as the first screw fell out.
Joe Chip said, 'I've never been sued by a door. But I guess I can live through it.'
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posted by Dr_Octavius at 6:21 PM on December 1, 2005 [1 favorite]