Comments on: Unless you're a girl

Unless you're a girl

Go, now. Go! — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:10:12 -0800

You can be a better boyfriend. Helpful though sometimes unfriendly tips like "put on pants sometimes," "make sure you don't smell," and "don't touch girls who aren't your girlfriend." Via cior.

By: furiousxgeorge

furiousxgeorge — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:13:19 -0800

How to be a better girlfriend: Take off your pants more often, don't complain about our smell, touch girls too.

By: sotonohito

sotonohito — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:16:54 -0800

I'm simply astonished that some people need tips like those. Its like "You can be a better human! Breathe in and out often. Eat occasionally." Do people really need to be told that going to jail might not be the best thing for your relationship?

By: jonmc

jonmc — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:18:04 -0800

pick her up a thissy I imagine both parties would be disappointed. Seriously though, this chick is a mite demanding. Lemme guess, she's single with a checkered love history?

By: jenovus

jenovus — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:22:29 -0800

This is the sort of thing that makes a single guy like me really, really bitter. I wear pants, I take showers, and I don't cheat, but the ladies ~~are~~seem unappreciative! Is there some kind of OMG I HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY I CAN REBUILD HIM fascination among women that drives them to get involved with unsuitable boyfriends? Although this girl doesn't seem to be representative of the type I'd seek, anyway. On review: Heh, maybe I am the problem.

By: HTuttle

HTuttle — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:24:47 -0800

Boys do, girls whine.

By: bondcliff

bondcliff — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:26:28 -0800

I betcha a million dollars Jessica Delfino sucks at being a girlfriend. If nothing else, she sucks at finding boyfriends.

By: rxrfrx

rxrfrx — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:27:09 -0800

Tip #731: Don't Go To Sleep In A Fight that's terrible advice. why waste your time having a fight when all you need is some rest? hop in bed, get ZZZZZ, wake up refreshed and non-fighty.

By: Turtles all the way down

Turtles all the way down — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:27:59 -0800

I'll pile on: Oh Jessica, just STFU.

By: The Jesse Helms

The Jesse Helms — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:29:05 -0800

How to be a better girlfriend: Take off your pants more often, don't complain about our smell, touch girls too. posted by furiousxgeorge at 1:13 PM PST on December 8 [!] Or just bend over.

By: prostyle

prostyle — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:31:21 -0800

Uhh... so, instead of writing a shitty blog about all the stupid things that happen to her every day she... Reinvents these pointless diatribes as helpful advice? Devil woman.

By: prostyle

prostyle — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:33:00 -0800

Oh... ok... This is in addition to her real ~~shitty~~ blog.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:33:10 -0800

Or just bend over. and get me a beer, toots. (might as well go for the trifecta)

By: Rothko

Rothko — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:33:14 -0800

Whatever you do, do not fall asleep in the middle of a fight.

By: spicynuts

spicynuts — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:38:23 -0800

s there some kind of OMG I HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY I CAN REBUILD HIM fascination among women that drives them to get involved with unsuitable boyfriends? Holy crap, dude. You clearly do not understand women if you have to even ask that question. The answer is OF COURSE.

By: PinkStainlessTail

PinkStainlessTail — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:38:35 -0800

But if it's not cut or sorta cut, put pants on your torso, too, in the form of a soft tee shirt, a fuzzy or stretchy top, a fluffy thingy, or something else. My happily married love handles say fuck you, Shallowina. Good luck with that dying alone thing.

By: DrJohnEvans

DrJohnEvans — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:39:07 -0800

I betcha a million dollars Jessica Delfino sucks at being a girlfriend. Those who can't do, teach?

By: Ndwright

Ndwright — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:41:26 -0800

Any women want to comment in this thread? No? Didn't think so.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:42:23 -0800

I imagine most women would want to put as much distance between themselves and this bimbonic harpy as possible.

By: Floydd

Floydd — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:45:37 -0800

OMG I HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY I CAN REBUILD HIM! this week, on The Bimbonic Harpy, in color!

By: Simon!

Simon! — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:48:17 -0800

If you are one of those guys who would never go to jail because you have a friend or relative high up in the system, or you're a law abiding wiener or whatever the case may be, you should know that being boring and safe does nothing for your relationship eithe.r Yeah, I can't IMAGINE why this girl is frustrated with her boyfriends.

By: graventy

graventy — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:49:02 -0800

PinkStainlessTail : "Good luck with that dying alone thing." Yeah, but you got your woman with your singing talents. A man who can sing don't need no shirts.

By: phearlez

phearlez — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:54:38 -0800

I can't believe nobody had mentioned this gem: QUICK TIP: Don't tell your girlfriend what she can and can't read. Even if it's a self-help book. You aren't 'really' anyone's 'daddy', that's just a term you appreciate because it helps to explain your dick problems. No one gets up in your craw when you masturbate to Playgirl. So, try to have the same respect for your ladyfriend. Really darlin, if your boys are masturbating to Playgirl you need to recognize you are in no position to be giving relationship advice.

By: delmoi

delmoi — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:54:55 -0800

Boring misandry and obviousness rolled up into one un-funny blog. Fantastiquo

By: delmoi

delmoi — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 13:56:09 -0800

By the way, why is she dating these losers in the first place? She must be fat.

By: Floydd

Floydd — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:01:35 -0800

She must be fat. Boy, didn't see that comin'. No sirree.

By: arcticwoman

arcticwoman — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:04:07 -0800

She might even nurse you back to health - with her vagina! Good advice there! I'm a woman, and I will comment in this thread - although I have teh gey so I don't know if I count. I vote bimbonic harpy. Although I can't quite decide if her standards are too high or too low. Wear pants: not necessary. Don't go to jail: no fucking kidding.

By: grouse

grouse — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:08:47 -0800

Although obvious, I thought it was amusing. I am clearly in the minority.

By: cmonkey

cmonkey — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:09:31 -0800

No one wants to hang out with someone who who got drunk, turned obnoxious, and then got sick or hurt. And they definitely don't want to hang out with someone who who got drunk, turned obnoxious, and then got sick or hurt twice. What a sad and lonely world she must live in.

By: FYKshun

FYKshun — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:09:38 -0800

As someone recently ensingled, this blog has primed me to start googling for local monasteries to check out their enrollment requirements. Anyone know of a monastic order which embraces high speed internet?

By: jenovus

jenovus — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:09:54 -0800

spicynuts: i do not understand women :(

By: howling fantods

howling fantods — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:11:35 -0800

Tip #731: Don't Go To Sleep In A Fight I often nod off during fights. They can be so tiresome sometimes.

By: spicynuts

spicynuts — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:12:02 -0800

well jenovus hopefully i just helped you along your way tremendously. girls like projects. period. whereas we just want to sit on our asses with a beer and get head.

By: Captaintripps

Captaintripps — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:12:27 -0800

Jessica offers some excellent advice. I, in fact, have a few questions for her: 1. My girlfriend is in a car headed East at 35 mph. I am on a tricycle heading south at 3 mph. I only ride the trike for an hour on Wednesdays, but my girlfriend drives her car for five hours every day. After 11 weeks, how do I tell her I love her? 2. When I do the dishes after she makes dinner and I leave a spot of food on the plate, should I scrape it off with my nail or just give the plate up as lost? 3. When I'm sick, phlegmy and gross and she brings me a nice, warm brandy, do I spout my thank you with coughs resembling morse code or use my footy pajamas to approximate sempahore? 4. Is it appropriate to shave..."down there"...into the shape of her first initial? 5. Does the 707 eat its young?

By: jenovus

jenovus — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:12:58 -0800

Don't go to jail! Don't not go to jail! JUST SHUT UP! ANSWER ME WHEN I AM TALKING TO YOU

By: raedyn

raedyn — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:14:41 -0800

That's just stupid. Period.

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:17:20 -0800

I think this blog is supposed to be funny, so it's not like we have to bash the woman. Just a give a little haha and let it go.

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:19:36 -0800

jenovus: I wear pants, I take showers, and I don't cheat Ooooo, baby baby, come sit over here by me!

By: jenovus

jenovus — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:21:36 -0800

I will sit next to you . . . in my pants! Uh, you're not one of those ". . . but I play one on the Internet" types, are you? BECAUSE I'VE BEEN BURNED BEFORE TT_TT

By: alasdair

alasdair — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:22:35 -0800

No, wait. This might be enormously useful stuff for some guys. At the very least it's "things that your girlfriend might be thinking." You'd think tips like "wash when you smell" would be a waste to time, but you'd be surprised. The tricky thing would be knowing which tips to ignore, even when doing so might cause aggravation. For example: "If you're at a party and there is a woman your girlfriend knows you desire, don't talk to her." So, you talk but keep it obviously friendly, not flirty. Forewarned is forearmed, so they say.

By: L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg

L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:22:56 -0800

For those of you saying "I don't understand women," here's step one: Don't assume that one woman airing her personal hang-ups on a blog somehow stands for all women.

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:25:29 -0800

Nope, jenovus, I am a real live lady.

By: Rothko

Rothko — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:26:22 -0800

So, you talk but keep it obviously friendly, not flirty. Forewarned is forearmed, so they say. Until the gf rips off your forearms and beats you to a pulp with them.

By: jenovus

jenovus — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:27:47 -0800

This is my finest hour.

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:28:01 -0800

Someone posted this comment to her latest entry (the one about not going to sleep in a fight): Your blog got metafiltered and the bad boyfriends there are having their usual blazecock pileon over it. I won't comment in the metafilter thread because I refuse to pay $5 to join a blazecock pileon so I'll just say here that "You Can Be A Better Boyfriend" is funny and you have a good ear, I mean that with intense seriosity, this is near Achewood-quality diversion. And the metamorons all hate Achewood, too and don't see why it's funny. So there you go. oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:28:29 -0800

Metafilter: I paid $5 to join a blazecock pileon

By: sourwookie

sourwookie — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:29:58 -0800

"I think you are unique and strange."

By: horsewithnoname

horsewithnoname — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:31:42 -0800

Reading the cross-posting on both sites is making me sleepy. And I could really use a shower.

By: Go, now. Go!

Go, now. Go! — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:32:46 -0800

I guess this did not strike the right tone with most of you all, but I will say that if there were a similar blog written from a man's point of view, and was not more insulting to women than this is to men, I would probably read it. In case I didn't know some of the stuff, and it was true.

By: jenovus

jenovus — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:33:12 -0800

I don't hate Achewood! Plus I think the person who refuses to pay $5 to join should be given a free account, as that kind of self-righteous indignation is just what we need around here.

By: Spatch

Spatch — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:33:29 -0800

Wait, we're supposed to hate Achewood now? Why don't I get all the memos?

By: arcticwoman

arcticwoman — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:34:27 -0800

Blazecock pileon is my new favorite phrase. And hey, 5$ is a cheap admission price to a blazecock pileon of this quality!

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:34:30 -0800

Y'all, for reals though, this blog is a joke. You understand women, you're all manly and strong, and girls dig you. I know, because they tell me so. So don't freak out, ok?

By: Captaintripps

Captaintripps — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:35:10 -0800

How did Anonymous over at HBAB know I was a redhead!?! I thought blazecock and firecrotch got left behind in high school. *sniff* *pout*

By: coriolisdave

coriolisdave — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:35:42 -0800

intense seriosity? Almost sounds like the name of the latest boy-band.

By: The Jesse Helms

The Jesse Helms — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:35:47 -0800

So there's this fat cop at the gym who does the eliptical like he's mushing a dogsled, back and forth with impressive gusto. But, the entire time, he cranes his neck around and oogles any girl under 30 around him, usually on both sides. And then hes back to mushing, to the left, to the right, onward, faster. And the girls keep looking straight ahead.

By: jenovus

jenovus — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:36:43 -0800

ThePinkSuperhero says I understand women, and she is one, so she should know. TODAY I AM A BETTER BOYFRIEND Seriously, though, can I print this thread out such that it is suitable for framing?

By: delmoi

delmoi — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:37:05 -0800

I won't comment in the metafilter thread because I refuse to pay $5 to join a blazecock pileon Some women (and definetly gey men) would like that kind of thing, you know.

By: delmoi

delmoi — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:38:31 -0800

By the way, I don't think pants are really that important. People just don't want to look at mangy pubic hair. No pubes, no problem.

By: The Jesse Helms

The Jesse Helms — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:39:19 -0800

Seriously, though, can I print this thread out such that it is suitable for framing? posted by jenovus at 2:36 PM PST on December 8 [!] jenovus, you gotta watch the creepy, man.

By: Blazecock Pileon

Blazecock Pileon — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:39:22 -0800

I am not, and have never been, a bad boyfriend.

By: HuronBob

HuronBob — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:40:33 -0800

can we just, like, shoot her with a paintgun? I didn't read it, I just figured ya'll are right and she's a useless twit.

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:41:57 -0800

Back off, The Jesse Helms! I like the creepy :-P But please don't follow me home

By: NationalKato

NationalKato — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:42:17 -0800

posted by Blazecock Pileon Thank you. Now I can leave work with a smile.

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:43:18 -0800

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I didn't even notice that.

By: jenovus

jenovus — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:44:12 -0800

ThePinkSuperhero, the call is coming from inside the house! :O

By: bukvich

bukvich — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:47:08 -0800

Well I usually do do a running long jump into the shower after sex. Is this one of those true things I ought to know not to do?

By: turbodog

turbodog — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:50:10 -0800

FYKshun: the Benedictine monks of Christ in the Desert monastery.

By: mcsweetie

mcsweetie — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:51:38 -0800

cocks penis dick balls

By: rxrfrx

rxrfrx — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:52:55 -0800

Wow, I'm late to the party. I was gonna say "hey, who's gonna be the first to pay $5 to get 'Blazecock Pileon'" but hey, that was quick. With any luck, it's not a sockpuppet and it will become the newest MeFi celebrity.

By: rxrfrx

rxrfrx — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:53:27 -0800

Oh, and "they hate Achewood" is a superb bit of code for "I'm such a wussy weiner hipster that I feel threatened for liking Achewood."

By: icosahedral

icosahedral — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:57:25 -0800

A good boyfriend, actually, finally "matures", like a fine wine or jar of peanut butter. Recommended: JIFF de Muskegon, 1983. A strong bodied blend touting a daring amount of preservatives, with a barely perceptible bouquet of coke-addled party-goers.

By: rxrfrx

rxrfrx — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:59:26 -0800

Gender: Puppenhose oh whoops :(

By: clevershark

clevershark — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 15:00:39 -0800

"put on pants"... who am I, the Pope? And stop using that "a good boyfriend matures" PC crap. Use the proper term, which is "whippifies". It's the same thing, only less patronizing.

By: Optimus Chyme

Optimus Chyme — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 15:07:22 -0800

And the metamorons all hate Achewood, too and don't see why it's funny. So there you go. We . . . we . . . hate Achewood? What in the hell am I gonna do with my "Here Comes a Special Boy" shirt?

By: clevershark

clevershark — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 15:08:23 -0800

What the hell is Achewood?!?

By: Tikirific

Tikirific — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 15:09:49 -0800

What's Achewood, and why should I hate it?

By: Blazecock Pileon

Blazecock Pileon — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 15:12:07 -0800

Achewood is what happens after you pile on the blazecock.

By: stinkycheese

stinkycheese — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 15:18:28 -0800

Get a signed copy of this strip.

By: elwoodwiles

elwoodwiles — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 15:20:16 -0800

And that's two for BP.

By: five fresh fish

five fresh fish — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 15:20:18 -0800

Blazecocks gives Jessica the Clap.

By: mcsweetie

mcsweetie — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 15:23:16 -0800

hooties! titters!

By: LeeJay

LeeJay — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 15:25:56 -0800

I've spent the last 15 years trying to get boys OUT of their pants.

By: beguemot

beguemot — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 15:32:31 -0800

This is a summer tip - Get a large, spacious home and make sure it is ice cold. If you are too poor too afford to get a large, spacious home and keep it ice cold, you shouldn't be dating. You should be working to make some money so that you can afford to someday date. This blog can't be for real...

By: phearlez

phearlez — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 15:35:39 -0800

Sloppy titties

By: PurplePorpoise

PurplePorpoise — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 15:52:41 -0800

In a similar vein to beguemot's observation: but if you LOVE a girl; I mean, if you REALLY, REALLY LOVE a girl, you buy her a piece of jewelry 'nuff said.

By: terpsichoria

terpsichoria — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 15:53:51 -0800

Wow, I have such a love-hate thing with this blog. First she says "Anger is negative energy", to which I'm all spit! P'shah! Well I never! And then she uses the phrase "meany burrito", and I'm all wanting to be her friend again. Actually, no, wait, the burrito thing was all I liked. I was letting its beauty cloud my judgment. This is fucking awful gender-prescriptivist waffle masquerading as a blog pretending to be a self-help manual playing at being comedy. Ooh, look, men do one thing and women do another! Crikey, the world is so simple after all. Dr B.C. Pileon, I salute you, sir.

By: Smedleyman

Smedleyman — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:03:51 -0800

I know what a cock trap is. But apparently "blazecock" is some sort of Arizona street hip hop term....or it's russian...or something. I don't know. I'm not plugged in. Hammer pants? Seriously? So....I'm married already...and I "really" am somebody's "daddy"..do I win?

By: Smedleyman

Smedleyman — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:04:58 -0800

but if you LOVE a girl; I mean, if you REALLY, REALLY LOVE a girl, you buy her a piece of jewelry Or stay married to her for the rest of your life. Either way. Y'know.

By: Blazecock Pileon

Blazecock Pileon — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:06:54 -0800

Dr B.C. Pileon, I salute you, sir. Madam/sir, you may rest assured that I am always at attention, ready to defend my namesake at any time of day. *salutes*

By: piers

piers — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:09:09 -0800

FYKshun: these guys might be close to what you're looking for. And I highly recommend them, too.

By: countzen

countzen — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:15:34 -0800

..... "I SHOULD HAVE BEEN A MODEL" I have no idea what this girl is thinking.

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:23:31 -0800

Boooooo, countzen, that's just mean! She's a cute girl.

By: klue

klue — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:23:39 -0800

beguemot are you sure your name's not bugmenot, 'cause that's what i keep reading

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:23:56 -0800

And THE BLOG IS JUST A JOKE. you humorless things.

By: phoenixc

phoenixc — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:26:06 -0800

chick here. i'm with TPS, you guys have got to get a sense of humour!

By: blacklite

blacklite — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:26:51 -0800

this is goddamn hilarious.

By: aaronscool

aaronscool — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:29:19 -0800

Hmmm...my take on this is that it's how to be a better boyfriend to Jessica Delfino. Jail: Obvious and sad. Everything would be loads better if folks just took the time to think before they went to jail. Pants: Personal Preference. I'm sure there is more than an ample supply of girls that like men without pants just as I'm sure there are probably a much smaller number of guys who have a preference for girls in pants. In my opinion snuggly time is much better without the pants.

By: parallax7d

parallax7d — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:31:18 -0800

GUY HERE! ~~YES!~~

By: Smedleyman

Smedleyman — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:40:32 -0800

If you don't LOVE the girl you're dating, why bother? Good point. Giving a girl jewlery isn't some sort of Amazonian misandric demand for material goods. Men should first prove that they're not sex-crazed, overbearing egomaniacs by giving a love gift. Because if you're not in love with a woman, why would you bother dating her? Unless it's testosterone poisoning or something. And THE BLOG IS JUST A JOKE. you humorless things. Just riffing some mysogyny.

By: weapons-grade pandemonium

weapons-grade pandemonium — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:40:42 -0800

QUICK TIP: Don't tell your girlfriend what she can and can't read. Even if it's a self-help book. Get a gal a gift because you want to and because you like her, and make it something nice, because if you don't, she will ditch your ass for a sensitive guy with a pony tail. That's today's tip. Read it and do it. The prosecution rests.

By: Derive the Hamiltonian of...

Derive the Hamiltonian of... — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:44:57 -0800

This reminds me of Girls Are Pretty, except that Girls Are Pretty is actually funny and tells you what to do with your day, whereas this is just pathetic.

By: Space Coyote

Space Coyote — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:56:05 -0800

Do y'all not think it might be possible that this girl is being over-the-top for humour? Or maybe she's trolling you.

By: mss

mss — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:56:51 -0800

I think fff's post above got cut off in transmission. It might have been: Blazecocks gives Jessica the Clap, the occasional girlfriend of Ernie the Sausage (so called because of his penchant to not wear pants around the pad, at least when he is not in jail), an 8x10 glossy of his penis up his ass in stead of jewelry.

By: MegoSteve

MegoSteve — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:00:14 -0800

The blog for "How to be a good girlfriend" is has only one post that reads "Have a vagina."

By: whiteoak

whiteoak — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:01:52 -0800

I wonder who's on the other end of that miserable existence.

By: FYKshun

FYKshun — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:04:37 -0800

Thank you, turbodog and piers! The tech monk references were wonderful. I had been thinking something more Shao-lin than Benedictine, but the Laser Monks link alone has saved me from heading home tonight to ignite my member and pile-on. I'll probably just wear pants instead.

By: Civil_Disobedient

Civil_Disobedient — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:09:36 -0800

Do y'all not think it might be possible that this girl is being over-the-top for humour? Do y'one not think it might be possible that these comments are merely a similarly-inane attempt at humor? Seriositily.

By: I Foody

I Foody — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:16:07 -0800

Do y'all not think it might be possible that this girl is being over-the-top for humour? Uh, hello girls aren't funny.

By: kosher_jenny

kosher_jenny — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:19:59 -0800

ThePinkSuperHero and jenovus sittin' in a tree s-t-a-l-k-i-n-g girls like projects. period. whereas we just want to sit on our asses with a beer and get head. Bah. Says you. I know I don't speak for all ladies out there, but I'd rather not have a customizable or kit-boyfriend. Too much work. Also, that beer and head thing sounds good right about now.

By: papakwanz

papakwanz — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:25:54 -0800

From the site: If you don't LOVE the girl you're dating, why bother? Um... because you want to fuck something?

By: halcyon_daze

halcyon_daze — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:28:08 -0800

Y'all are a rough crowd! I thought the sour apples comment was kinda sweet.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:31:06 -0800

Also, that beer and head thing sounds good right about now. *pours another beer into his head* Yep. It's great. Y'all are a rough crowd! Did you figure that out all by yourself or did your mommy help you? ;>

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:42:34 -0800

Uh, hello girls aren't funny. On the contrary! Girls are the only ones allowed to joke about gross boys. If boys joke about stupid bitches they are SEXIST PIGS.

By: Firas

Firas — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:45:38 -0800

Totally. I only joke about the supah-smaht bitches.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:47:06 -0800

Girls are the only ones allowed to joke about gross boys. *belches, farts, scratches balls, tells the pick superhero to get him another beer, toots*

By: kosher_jenny

kosher_jenny — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:49:53 -0800

*belches, farts, scratches balls, tells the pick superhero to get him another beer, toots* See? We never fart!

By: jonmc

jonmc — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:51:54 -0800

I know. Women never fart, belch, or hiccup. Therefore they must bitch or they will blow up.

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:58:36 -0800

::gets a beer from the fridge, smashes it over jonmc's head, farts as she struts away::

By: jonmc

jonmc — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 18:02:44 -0800

*writhes bleeding on the floor, reaches for remaining beer in shards of bootle, drinks* Victory is mine. ;>

By: deanc

deanc — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 18:09:03 -0800

And stop using that "a good boyfriend matures" PC crap. It seems like the optimal strategy for a guy here is to be a little rattier, a little more disorganized, and a little less hygenic in the beginning of a relationship before reverting to his normal habits. if you don't, she will ditch your ass for a sensitive guy with a pony tail. Wow. I totally used to be that guy!

By: bhance

bhance — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 18:12:57 -0800

.. god DAMN these things are coming in handy. I'm running low.

By: KirkJobSluder

KirkJobSluder — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 18:24:02 -0800

PinkSuperhero But if it's not cut or sorta cut, ... Damn you, clicked through the link to discover the noun behind that pronoun.

By: stet

stet — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 18:30:59 -0800

Hey, the author can get away with this sort of thing since she *clearly* takes it in the ass, right? Seriously, I'm getting married. Do I get to stop worrying about this sort of thing now?

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 18:33:30 -0800

About what sort of thing, stet? Taking it in the ass?

By: stet

stet — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 18:41:43 -0800

How to be a good boyfriend, of course! Soon she'll be legally my property.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 18:43:55 -0800

if you don't, she will ditch your ass for a sensitive guy with a pony tail. Wow. I totally used to be that guy! I used to have a 6-inch ponytail, but I categorically deny ever being sensitive.

By: Mr T

Mr T — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 18:49:07 -0800

The best thing to do is ask her to take you home, or get yourself home. She might even nurse you back to health - with her vagina! Come on, what's not to love!

By: zoogleplex

zoogleplex — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 18:53:48 -0800

"Achewood is what happens after you pile on the blazecock." Late to thread, and now trying to get the apple juice off the flat screen. Somebody send me more Kensington wipes, dammit! Holy crap that was funny. I don't hate Achewood, I just don't really get it. Perhaps I should go back and give it more time, because wigu loves it, and wigu is teh super funnay.

By: weapons-grade pandemonium

weapons-grade pandemonium — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 18:58:21 -0800

Jessica, I'd like you to meet Jim.

By: eustacescrubb

eustacescrubb — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 18:59:02 -0800

If it's satire (hard to tell) it's not very funny, if only because I don't actually know many men who are like the men to whom the blog is addressed. Not to say that there might not be such men out there, but I just don't know any. The jewelry one is what made me think it might be satire, because that entry seems to be mocking the "girlfriend" point of view, the shallow materialism and antifeminism that runs through the entire blog in not-so-subtle ways (all that business about getting a job and spending money on the girlfriend) can't be real, can it? Are there really women who think like that? I can't imagine them, so I assume she's joking. But if she is, the fact that it doesn't connect with anything in my experience makes the jokes fall flat for me.

By: MiltonRandKalman

MiltonRandKalman — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 19:04:28 -0800

Derive the Hamiltonian posted 'This reminds me of Girls Are Pretty'. Better Boyfriend is nothing like Girls are Pretty. However I think it deserves mention on its own. GaP was the site that inspired me never to have a blog as I could never a fraction as funny as Bob Powers, same goes for tehsux. So I didn't read the archives, anything in there about being a better boyfriend whilst shooting one into your ladyfriend's hair? She's always asking me to drop it off in the sink.

By: eustacescrubb

eustacescrubb — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 19:06:18 -0800

Poking around on her other blogs reveals she's an aspiring comedian -- odds are the blog isn't intended to be taken seriously.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 19:06:20 -0800

(truth be told, I only entered this thread to make the "thissy" joke, which was begging to be told. The rest is just me practicing my improv comedy skills off the rest of you)

By: jeffburdges

jeffburdges — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 19:36:53 -0800

jenovus : Is there some kind of OMG I HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY I CAN REBUILD HIM? Yes, there is a good reason for it too. Our genes "suggest" specific lines of action which historically increased their represenation in the gene pool. So most odd courtship & dating behavior is your genes trying to maximize the number & fitness (both genetic & nurture) of your offspring, even if that is not what you want. The optimal strategy for female genes is to mate with the bad boy alpha male (genetic fitness), but try to keep him around to raise the child, ideally imparting his alpha male memes as well. As women get older, they slowly give up on alpha male memes in-favor of the more plentiful beta male nurturing, but capturing alpha male genes remains a priority. As a male, your best strategy for attracting a mate is to project confidence & alpha maleness, and don't worry too much about any particular mate. And read this site.

By: moss

moss — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 20:16:57 -0800

I don't know what you people are thinking; this is funny as shit.

By: fenriq

fenriq — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 20:20:08 -0800

I think the main problem with a blog like this is that the people its being written for, moron boyfriends, don't read blogs. And Jessica (stupid Jennifer thread almost got me) didn't strike me as a harpy or nasty. Just strongly opinionated. Something we actually tend to like around here. Or at least something I tend to like around here. And there are a tremendous number of dumbasses who do think that they don't stink after playing basketball for four hours. I know I stink but I'm married so it doesn't matter anymore. moss, that's the problem, most of us don't find shit particularly humorous. Unless its someone else's baby.

By: fenriq

fenriq — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 20:20:53 -0800

And Girls are Pretty is one of the few blogs I still read every single day.

By: Danf

Danf — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 20:44:31 -0800

Anyone else picture her when reading that blog? A good boyfriend keeps his grubby hands off the gems.

By: scarabic

scarabic — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 20:50:13 -0800

Y'all, for reals though, this blog is a joke. TPS: you have saved me from posting a long, embarassing comment. Phew. Stupid man-on was gonna make a mess of everything. Thank you. We have come amazingly far together in only a few short months. Will you marry me? I am wearing pants.

By: jenovus

jenovus — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 21:18:58 -0800

GODDAMNIT I WAS WEARING PANTS AT HER FIRST

By: Pseudonumb

Pseudonumb — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 21:31:51 -0800

Sometimes, I wish I was gay.

By: fenriq

fenriq — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 21:44:41 -0800

jenovus, don't try so hard, you'll break out in a sweat and start to smell and the whole thing will unravel. And wearing pants at people is kind of scary.

By: five fresh fish

five fresh fish — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 22:05:07 -0800

Psnumb, you say that as if it weren't a choice!

By: delmoi

delmoi — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 22:17:32 -0800

Oh, and "they hate Achewood" is a superb bit of code for "I'm such a wussy weiner hipster that I feel threatened for liking Achewood." Achewood is a fucking abomination.

By: PeterMcDermott

PeterMcDermott — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 22:21:24 -0800

Boys! Pay no attention to this sad sack. Get the real scoop on how to be a 'boyfriend'.

By: delmoi

delmoi — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 22:28:53 -0800

a photo of our heroine. Turns out she's not fat, although her face dosn't show up well in that photo.

By: PeterMcDermott

PeterMcDermott — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 22:44:01 -0800

Hey, the author can get away with this sort of thing since she *clearly* takes it in the ass, right? Proof. From Today's tip: Jewelry "Christmas is coming up, and if you're someone who plans to get your lady a corporate mall gift because you feel obligated and have no creativity, here's an idea, just stick your own penis in your own asshole instead." That's as clear an admission as I've ever seen. The 'instead' can only be presumed to be a contraction of 'instead of mine'. The jewelry is currently on order.

By: 235w103

235w103 — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 23:08:53 -0800

Man, according to this, I am either the best boyfriend in the world or the worst. I have yet to go to jail, and I tend to wear pants when necessary, but I don't buy jewelry. What about mix tapes? Are those good? QUICK TIP: Don't tell your girlfriend what she can and can't read. Even if it's a self-help book. Whoa, next you'll be telling me to loosen the shackles!

By: antifuse

antifuse — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 03:24:15 -0800

Oh man... this thread is totally worth it just for the link to Girls Are Pretty.

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 04:47:14 -0800

Clearly, scarabic, I need some jewelry first. Because if you REALLY REALLY REALLY loved me, you would buy me something shiny. If you do not do so, I will be forced to dump your ass for a man with a ponytail.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 06:39:36 -0800

if you REALLY REALLY REALLY loved me, you would buy me something shiny. *buys thepinksuperhero a tin can*

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 07:06:28 -0800

Oooooo, shiny! ::walks in girl zombie fashion toward jonmc::

By: jeffburdges

jeffburdges — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 07:42:59 -0800

I tend to view wearing a valueless rock (diamond) whose insane mark up supports evil cartels/monopolists, as well as either violent revolutionaries of oppressive governments, as quite unromantic myself, by maybe its just me. Its morally irresponcible to buy any diamond unless it was (a) created in a lab and (b) not handled by De Beers.

By: voltairemodern

voltairemodern — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 08:30:12 -0800

Achewood, since people were curious.

By: Talez

Talez — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 08:38:59 -0800

jeffburdges is just bitter because he spent his last 5 bucks on a MeFi subscription :P

By: ciderwoman

ciderwoman — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 08:48:05 -0800

Well her site appeared on Popbitch today, and the level of comment has definitely taken a turn to the left as a result.

By: Secret Life of Gravy

Secret Life of Gravy — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 09:07:05 -0800

A blog with lame jokes about "how to be a better boyfriend" is posted and followed by lame jokes about "how to be a better girlfriend." No laughs all around. So in case anyone is wondering, here is where I stand. *Mr. Gravy wears pants too much. He is absolutely riveting to watch. *No jewelry for me, thanks anyway. I have enough pearls, and that is all I need. *If I could bottle one scent in the world, it would be Mr. Gravy's smell. We often lament that we have to take showers in order not to offend other people. *When we do argue, I prefer to "sleep on it." So guess what? The way to Be a Better Boyfriend is to ask. To communicate. To discuss. But I guess that isn't funny.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 09:13:21 -0800

I have enough pearls, and that is all I need. No offense, but pearls? Pearls conjure up visions of June Cleaver.

By: MrMoonPie

MrMoonPie — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 09:47:51 -0800

I will be forced to dump your ass for a man with a ponytail.

MrMoonPie awaits eagerly...

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 09:53:48 -0800

Oooo, pressure, scarabic! ::awaits visit from FedEx man::

By: PeterMcDermott

PeterMcDermott — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 10:10:57 -0800

No offense, but pearls? Pearls conjure up visions of June Cleaver. I treat all my lady friends to a pearl necklace as early in the relationship as possible.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 10:12:51 -0800

Yes, and I got a gal she lives on the hill, she won't do it but her sister will...

By: Smedleyman

Smedleyman — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 11:19:02 -0800

jonmc that reminds me of an Eskimo woman that I don’t know personally, but I’ve been told about.

By: IronLizard

IronLizard — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 13:20:15 -0800

I can't believe no one has linked to Maddox yet.

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 13:25:18 -0800

Haha, I like that the list is for 26 things, but he gives up after 14.

By: Smedleyman

Smedleyman — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 14:03:50 -0800

"I can't believe no one has linked to Maddox yet." Your organization's Internet use policy restricts access to this web page at this time. Reason: The Websense category "Tasteless" is filtered. Sucks. I like Maddox too.

By: Secret Life of Gravy

Secret Life of Gravy — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 15:24:34 -0800

No offense, but pearls? Pearls conjure up visions of June Cleaver. posted by jonmc at 12:13 PM EST on December 9 I make artisan jewelry, so I have necklaces and earrings for everyday wear using handblown glass, crystals, and semi-precious stones. The pearls come out for dress-up. I look smashing. And reportably very, very fuckable. I treat all my lady friends to a pearl necklace as early in the relationship as possible. posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:10 PM EST on December 9 Oh, I've had my share of those as well.