Minor changes to your screenplay

December 8, 2005 2:21 PM

An open letter to Lance Armstong.
Subject: Minor changes to your screenplay. You mean once he starts winning, he just keeps winning? There's never a serious doubt that he'll keep winning? It gets a little predictable, Lance. Think about this for a second: Rocky lost in the first movie, and that's the only one that was any good.
posted by RockyChrysler (41 comments total)

Location: Americans are very patriotic right now, Lance. Being a Texan yourself, you know that. What if the "Tour de France" became the "Tour de Freedom" and went from Alaska to Hawaii? That would rock.

Hmmm. Now that's a man's ride (or perhaps a fish's).
posted by caddis at 2:35 PM on December 8, 2005

Something tells me that this will quickly devolve into a Rocky debate. That something is a bag of chips. The bag of chips is often right. I'll take V any day of the week.

And Jan Ullrich as villain? That would be awesom.
posted by panoptican at 2:37 PM on December 8, 2005

Why was this considered funny??? If I read it sitting on a bike will it be funny?
posted by HuronBob at 2:57 PM on December 8, 2005

Maybe Lance should make it into a gay movie and call it Tour de Frank?
posted by fenriq at 3:24 PM on December 8, 2005

Rocky lost in the first movie, and that's the only one that was any good.

The second one was enjoyable. And I'll admit that when Mickey dies in the third one, I get a little misty. But boxing is far more cinematic than cycling anyway (Breaking Away excepted).
posted by jonmc at 3:32 PM on December 8, 2005

I liked Rocky IV quite a lot even though it's dumber than a Pole. Rocky I is the best and Rocky II is ok, Rocky five however is the worst movie because it establishes a threshold if a movie gets any worse than Rocky V it becomes sort of fun. I call it the Morrison level.
posted by I Foody at 3:40 PM on December 8, 2005

Does hearing "Gonna Fly Now," get you pumped and a little misty at the same time, or is that just an Italian thing?
posted by jonmc at 3:41 PM on December 8, 2005

Maybe Rambo could be the villain that tries to stop Lance.
posted by muppetboy at 4:38 PM on December 8, 2005

on preview, jonmc beat me to it: could Lance just call it Breaking Away II and talk to Sheryl in maybe a funny French accent? The lead still lives at home with now retired auto-dealer pop, who is now a greeter at Wal-Mart and moms is dipping a little bit into the sauce, since her world-champ son still lives at home.
posted by beelzbubba at 4:45 PM on December 8, 2005

News flash: Hollywood thinks everyone is stupid. Writer thinks Hollywood is even stupider. Film at 11.
posted by chrominance at 5:01 PM on December 8, 2005

I think this would be best in a "Triplets of Belleville"-style of animation...and with a similar amount of dialog.
posted by mosk at 5:02 PM on December 8, 2005

I am not into cycling but I found that amusing. Maybe not so much the inside jokes about cycling (although I understood a *little* due to a close friend who is obsessed) but its jabs at what "works" in Hollywood and American "film" are pretty funny.
posted by like_neon at 5:03 PM on December 8, 2005

This guy forgot one crucial element of the story. Once the script focuses on the subplot of the dastardly French press attacking Lance with rumours of doping *after* he survived cancer and won and won and won and won again, you'll have all the required elements - enemies, excitement, and American patriotism.
posted by funambulist at 5:03 PM on December 8, 2005

Why is the film always at 11? Wouldn't it make more sense to make it at 10 and add a little more power to it to make it as loud as 11?
posted by fenriq at 5:13 PM on December 8, 2005

fenriq wins.

who else is psyched for the forthcoming Rocky VI?!
posted by papakwanz at 5:33 PM on December 8, 2005

*raises hand, puts on "Gonna Fly Now," starts shadowboxing around apartment*
posted by jonmc at 5:36 PM on December 8, 2005

dumber than a Pole?
posted by caddis at 5:56 PM on December 8, 2005

Give him a split personality... Real Lance wakes up in the middle of a race to find that Evil Lance has been peddling the wrong way into a forest for several hours. He's heartbroken, but as the forest creatures surround him he soon remembers who he is. Eye of the Tiger swells in and Lance faces his greatest challenge.

And he's kind of wooden, so how about if his bike can talk (but only he can see it talking) and maybe they time travel and fight crime.
posted by holloway at 6:16 PM on December 8, 2005

Why was this considered funny??? If I read it sitting on a bike will it be funny?

Might loosen the stick...
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 6:17 PM on December 8, 2005

I liked it, but than again, I like bikes.
posted by drezdn at 6:19 PM on December 8, 2005

The bag of chips is often right. I'll take V any day of the week.

You mean that old TV miniseries with the alien lizards in human-suits? That V? I think those chips are stale, buddy.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:26 PM on December 8, 2005

But boxing is far more cinematic than cycling anyway (Breaking Away excepted).
posted by jonmc at 3:32 PM PST on December 8 [!]


I have always been emrbarrassed by the fact that I like that movie. (Breaking Away).

But anyway, VIVA LA LANCE! (and whatever shitty movie he writes).
posted by snsranch at 6:26 PM on December 8, 2005

(sp)
posted by snsranch at 6:27 PM on December 8, 2005

Is "Breaking Away" worth seeing. I was going to pick it up this summer. Then I forgot about it. Then I remembered it again when Homestarrunner dressed as a character from it.
posted by drezdn at 6:34 PM on December 8, 2005

caddis: dumber than a Pole?
Sorry I meant a Polish person.
posted by I Foody at 6:36 PM on December 8, 2005

Sorry I meant a Polish person.

Like a car detailer? I don't get it.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:43 PM on December 8, 2005

I have always been emrbarrassed by the fact that I like that movie. (Breaking Away).

Why? It's a genuinely well-done, funny, and affecting film.


Is "Breaking Away" worth seeing.

Absolutely.
posted by jonmc at 7:04 PM on December 8, 2005

I wwatched "breaking away" like 15 times as a kid, since my neighbor had the video (and no others). It was a running joke when we were bored, even 10 years later: "Whadaya wanna do?" "I dunno" "Breaking Away?"
posted by Joseph Gurl at 7:39 PM on December 8, 2005

Dude...Donald Sutherland on a bike. Definitely worth seeing.
posted by spicynuts at 7:42 PM on December 8, 2005

Breaking Away is a great film. As with most good stories it's not, as much about bicycling as it about the human condition. Highly recommended.

It also has one of the best lines in film ever "Refund!!?
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 7:43 PM on December 8, 2005

*punches the clock, shorty*
posted by jonmc at 7:45 PM on December 8, 2005

Crap..I thought Sutherland was in Breaking Away...I'm clearly confused.
posted by spicynuts at 7:58 PM on December 8, 2005

More great lines.
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 8:03 PM on December 8, 2005

Breaking Away is a great film. As with most good stories it's not, as much about bicycling as it about the human condition. Highly recommended.

And also because the Cutters (and the Little 500) are for real.
posted by RockyChrysler at 8:32 PM on December 8, 2005

This was hilarious. Thanks.
posted by scarabic at 8:53 PM on December 8, 2005

Who is this Lance Armstrong? Is he any relation to Stretch Armstrong?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 9:56 PM on December 8, 2005

This peace is written by an extended coworker of mine, who goes by the mysterious pseudonym of Fat Cyclist. Fat cyclist has a blog that is easily the single collection of most hilarious writing about bicycles (and sometimes other things) on the whole internet. Highly recommended, especially readers' true stories of having their bicycles stolen and the equally true story of Rocky, the karmic black-hole.
posted by blindcarboncopy at 10:35 PM on December 8, 2005

I prefer Fafblog's take on Armstrong's final Tour victory.
posted by gsteff at 10:54 PM on December 8, 2005

Read the whole thing here. For the record, I have seen Breaking Away 50 times, and I'm a regular reader of Fat Cyclist. Matt Damon is rumored to be training for his role as Armstrong.
posted by fixedgear at 5:03 AM on December 9, 2005

whatever the movie, we all know the book is better.
posted by bluesky43 at 5:52 AM on December 9, 2005

Okay, so i guess that you have to be a cycling fan (or at least have watched a fair amount of the Tour de France) to have gotten some of those jokes. But he makes some really good points about how utterly ignorant most people are about comptetive cycling.

If you were going to make a movie about Lance's Tour victories for the masses, you'd either have to spend a lot of time explaining team structure and strategy, or do exactly what the fat cyclist said -- ditch the teams, and show lance winning every stage.
posted by macmac at 8:27 AM on December 9, 2005