Business World Survival Guide

December 16, 2005 9:22 AM

The professional world is rough, so here are some things to help navigate it: To get ahead, the How to Guide on Kissing Ass. Elevator Etiquette. The (should be common sense) guide to Corporate Crapper Etiquette. (See also, previous thread on the International Center for Bathroom Etiquette.) Or if you work in more rustic environs, there is also Port-a-Potty Etiquette. The ever-important How to Masturbate at Work (among other places) Guide. 'Tis the season, so here is some Office Christmas Party Etiquette (Please be aware of the Office Christmas Party Sex Warning).
posted by dios (60 comments total)

dios!
posted by Stynxno at 9:41 AM on December 16, 2005

stinky!
posted by dios at 9:44 AM on December 16, 2005

:)
posted by caddis at 9:46 AM on December 16, 2005

Can't people crap at home? I understand emergencies and special conditions, but its brutal to walk into the mens room and be treated to the smell of a co-worker dropping the kids off at the pool.

Bodily control, people.
posted by dr_dank at 9:51 AM on December 16, 2005

I am on a very strict schedule, dr_dank. You're just going to have to adapt.
posted by Floydd at 9:56 AM on December 16, 2005

Can't people crap at home?

Sure they can, but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
posted by Fat Guy at 9:57 AM on December 16, 2005

Can't people crap at home? I understand emergencies and special conditions, but its brutal to walk into the mens room and be treated to the smell of a co-worker dropping the kids off at the pool.

Bodily control, people.

We're territorial animals. Gotta mark your turf some way, pal. Now stay out of my stall.
posted by COBRA! at 9:57 AM on December 16, 2005

dr_dank: "Can't people crap at home? I understand emergencies and special conditions, but its brutal to walk into the mens room and be treated to the smell of a co-worker dropping the kids off at the pool."

The bathroom is only for your use, now? I hate people telling me I can't use the facilities. That's what the can is fucking there for. If you have a problem with the bathroom smelling like a bathroom, do you also dislike the smell of food in and around the cafeteria? And all those damn cars that are always in the way of you getting the perfect spot in the parking garage?

Learn how to share communal areas with others.
posted by Plutor at 9:58 AM on December 16, 2005

Can't people crap at home?

That's silly. That's like asking "can't people masturbate at home?"

Some things are just part of a normal work day.

Besides, crapping at work is entirely dependent on what you eat at lunch (or the night before).
posted by dios at 10:02 AM on December 16, 2005

Learn how to share communal areas with others.

Hey, I agree with you 100%. If I parked my car across 5 spots in the garage, people would get pissed. If I heated up rancid fishheads in the cafeteria, people would get pissed. Is it really a stretch to curse the name of Glenn from Help Desk for making the 3rd floor mens room smell like the sewers of Calcutta after an outbreak of dysentery?
posted by dr_dank at 10:02 AM on December 16, 2005

I think you mean can't people light a match?
posted by Divine_Wino at 10:08 AM on December 16, 2005

MEN's restrooms? Child's play! You guys have NO IDEA of the horrors I have witnessed in the women's restroom at work. Where do I begin? Let's see: the woman who stores canned sardines and soy milk in her restroom locker, the woman who fears the seat and, therefore, HOVERS, or the one who can't bear to touch any "unclean" surface, so she doesn't flush. My favorite: the empty vibrator box stashed behind the toilet!
posted by Lockjaw at 10:13 AM on December 16, 2005

dr_dank: "Is it really a stretch to curse the name of Glenn from Help Desk for making the 3rd floor mens room smell like the sewers of Calcutta after an outbreak of dysentery?"

If he squirts it all over the floor, curse away. If, however, you demand that all craploads be rosey and all urine be free of asparagus, you might as well demand a gold-plated parking spot.

I'm enjoying your imagery, BTW. Well.. er.. not enjoying, but.. uh.. it's very vivid.
posted by Plutor at 10:14 AM on December 16, 2005

Actually, I know someone who walked into the men's restroom at his job once and saw a member of senior management at the urinal with his pants down around his ankles. He wondered how this guy managed to get out of the sixth grade alive.
posted by Lockjaw at 10:17 AM on December 16, 2005

I poop at work so as not to sully the pristine pipes of home. Besides, it gives me an opportunity to read the paper.
posted by Floydd at 10:19 AM on December 16, 2005

Devine_Wino:I think you mean can't people light a match?

and detonate all that gas?

Plutor:If, however, you demand that all craploads be rosey and all urine be free of asparagus, you might as well demand a gold-plated parking spot.

Although it is not my cup of tea to do it there and subject my co-workers to whats been lurking in my lower intestine, I give credit to the people who courtesy flush and really try to make their poop-footprint as minimal as possible. There are those who don't care and stink up the joint. Sorry if I come off as a crap-snob, but that is just a pet peeve.
posted by dr_dank at 10:20 AM on December 16, 2005

Everybody shits. Rather vigorously. Deal with it.
posted by jonmc at 10:22 AM on December 16, 2005

I poop at work just to piss you off, dr_dank. I save it up, for you.
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:23 AM on December 16, 2005

101:
Hire enough (straight) MALES to avoid having your workplace become a screaming den of incompetent hysteria.

NYC publishing, I'm looking at YOU.
posted by HTuttle at 10:26 AM on December 16, 2005

I seem to have struck a nerve. If you had a choice, do you prefer at home or at the office?
posted by dr_dank at 10:27 AM on December 16, 2005

I like to crap in the elevator whilst having my ass kissed. of course I also masturbate through the whole thing. they call me the aristocrat.
posted by mr.marx at 10:27 AM on December 16, 2005

I like that elevatorrules.com has an RSS feed. Now I'll never have to suffer the embarassment of getting on an elevator without knowing the latest rules.
posted by bondcliff at 10:31 AM on December 16, 2005

Can't people crap at home?

You have got to be shitting me.
posted by quantumetric at 10:32 AM on December 16, 2005

101:
Hire enough (straight) MALES to avoid having your workplace become a screaming den of incompetent hysteria.
NYC publishing, I'm looking at YOU.

HAH! Oh, lord, how I concur. I concur in as loud a voice as I possibly can.
There is so much ambient estrogen in our building that sometimes I wonder why the elevators don't spontaneously give birth every now and again. I'm not a self-hating woman anything, but Jesus.
Our bathrooms are just...I don't know how to explain it. They're somehow squalid even when clean. Our production department in particular, for some reason, seems to have missed out on the part of life where you learn how to share space.
There's one woman here who talks to herself as she poos. Every time. It's indescribably creepy.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 10:33 AM on December 16, 2005

woman OR anything, that should've been.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 10:34 AM on December 16, 2005

I like that elevatorrules.com has an RSS feed. Now I'll never have to suffer the embarassment of getting on an elevator without knowing the latest rules.

Hey, they have a Web 2.0 enabled site!
posted by nlindstrom at 10:36 AM on December 16, 2005

There's one woman here who talks to herself as she poos. Every time. It's indescribably creepy

We must know what she says.

Cheeseburger, we had some great times. From the time I chewed you and swallowed you the other day, to the protein, lipids, and sodium that you've fortified my body with. Now I must bid you a fond adieu.
posted by dr_dank at 10:40 AM on December 16, 2005

She just mumbles. It's bizarre. Some people here have suggested that she's, you know, coaxing herself along...but one time I swear she was very quietly singing the theme song to Gilligan's Island.
It's just....creepy.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 10:45 AM on December 16, 2005

I forgot to ask, but can anyone give me a clue about what's up with the Port-a-potty etiquette picture?


posted by dios at 10:48 AM on December 16, 2005

A Beginner's Guide to Office Small Talk, Parts One and Two.

s/l
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:49 AM on December 16, 2005

Well, he appears to be attempting to excrete his own foot, which I imagine would have serious repercussions for his company's insurance premiums. So.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 10:49 AM on December 16, 2005

Bodily control, people.

Dude, seriously. I've got "Harmon Killebrew in the on-deck circle" and you want control. Not going to happen. Ever.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 10:53 AM on December 16, 2005

Harmon Killebrew? Dude, I've got Boog Powell here! Outta my way!
posted by jonmc at 10:56 AM on December 16, 2005

dios, most asian countries have squat toilets (a hole in the ground plus some textured tread alongside, so your feet don't slip as you're squatting). i imagine this must be a warning to those asians who haven't used western-style toilets that it's not a gussied up version of their toilets, but that they can (and should) sit on these ones.
posted by acid freaking on the kitty at 11:41 AM on December 16, 2005

acid is correct
posted by caddis at 11:48 AM on December 16, 2005

You guys are lucky that you don't work retail at a bookstore (which apparently causes more people to go to the bathroom) where there is no employee restroom.

People have done the most disgusting things at the bookstore, far more disgusting than when I worked at a fast food restaurant. Far more disgusting when I worked at a much busier Target. I'm going back to school just so I won't have to use that restroom again.
posted by drezdn at 11:57 AM on December 16, 2005

dios, maybe that warning sign is partially a this-is-not-Asia thing, but I imagine it's addressed to all the Western women who do that "in case of germs." Lots of women (not including me) do that in public restrooms.
posted by booksandlibretti at 12:03 PM on December 16, 2005

drezdn, a friend of mine who used to work at Chapters swears that when she was there the staff would often find...soiled...copies of various books and magazines in the restroom. Especially anything with pictures of the then-underage Olsen Twins.

/ shudders to think
posted by you just lost the game at 12:07 PM on December 16, 2005

+1 and the square to Jonmc for knowing about Harmon Killebrew.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 12:23 PM on December 16, 2005

booksandlibretti and dios,

It's actually a third-world thing. There have been incidents where people, confronted with a modern toilet for the first time, have stood rather than sat. If the bowl breaks, one has a few hundred shards of ceramic tile going into the gut, GI, etc.

It sounds silly, but it's kind of a problem. I saw some signs like that in Thailand.
posted by bardic at 12:23 PM on December 16, 2005

You can break a ceramic toilet bowl by standing on it?
posted by funambulist at 12:33 PM on December 16, 2005

How goddamn fat does one have to be to break a toilet by standing on it?
posted by you just lost the game at 12:33 PM on December 16, 2005

If only my question had been six words shorter....
posted by you just lost the game at 12:34 PM on December 16, 2005

Metafilter: Shit in your pants - for old times sake.
posted by lalochezia at 12:49 PM on December 16, 2005

As I type this, I am bouncing up and down on my toilet. I'll do an FPP when it breaks.

Again, consider context: These aren't Japanese-designed super-potties, these signs tend to show up in public restrooms that even George Michael would avoid. Lots of wear and tear, so to speak. And I guess the natural inclination in the bush is not to sit and cover a hole with your cheeks, but rather to get some distance.

And that's one to grow on.
posted by bardic at 12:55 PM on December 16, 2005

Metafilter: These aren't Japanese-designed super-potties.
posted by dr_dank at 1:07 PM on December 16, 2005

Since I work in the same building as my wife we have been slowly working our way around the available rooms to check which is best for illicit workday shagging. So far the shower room or the photocopy room seem like the best bets.

I'll be sure to fill you all in once I'm done filling the wife in ;)
posted by longbaugh at 1:19 PM on December 16, 2005

That first link reminds me vividly of how thrilled I am not to be part of corporate America any more. And the "party etiquette" one brings back old memories:

By all means, take advantage of the ever-pouring drinks and the plentiful free food... but, remember your own limitations. A good rule of thumb with alcohol is to do one alcoholic drink and one water/softdrink/juice. Spacing yourself is important.

Ha! At my second office Xmas party, having seen at the first one how lax security was, I not only got stinking drunk, I invited a bunch of friends to sneak in, telling anybody who asked that they were proofreaders (figuring nobody knows who the proofreaders are except other proofreaders, who were all busy getting stinking drunk), and one of them got caught by the head of editorial, who told him "You're not a proofreader!" to which he responded "Yes I am!" (I'm trying to remember whether he called her a "fat bitch" then or after we were both escorted out by security). Good times! I'm still amazed I didn't lose that job.

+1 and the square to Jonmc for knowing about Harmon Killebrew.

Knowing about Harmon Killebrew?! How about having been a Killebrew fan when he was still a Washington Senator? I've still got a Bob Allison card around here somewhere...

Great post!
posted by languagehat at 1:21 PM on December 16, 2005

Metafilter: like the sewers of Calcutta after an outbreak of dysentery.
posted by anomie at 1:24 PM on December 16, 2005 [1 favorite]

I don't know about most of you, but before I park the Buick in the back, I just make sure the bathroom is empty. If anyone enters, I pause for reflection and then continue when the coast is clear.

Nothing bothers me more than someone honking their horn in a stall while I'm using the urinal. Because farts are funny, and I start giggling and then pee all over myself.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 3:17 PM on December 16, 2005

Are you saying you're a shameful shitter? (NSFW)
posted by bardic at 3:22 PM on December 16, 2005

Poop is funny.
posted by quite unimportant at 3:52 PM on December 16, 2005

Ok, that work/crap guide made me laugh my ass off:

"A rookie corporate-crapper may see this Sports page and think he found a pot of gold. We've all done it. But, if you think about the possible scenarios, I don't think you'll ever touch that oasis of golden reading-material ever again. What if, that same Sports page was read by a previous-dumper in between wipes? Theoretically, what you’re holding is a huge, folded, piece of toilet paper with athletes on it. Enjoy. "

It's funny because its true!
posted by UseyurBrain at 4:26 PM on December 16, 2005

I can't believe we've made it this far without a tubgirl link..
posted by login at 5:07 PM on December 16, 2005

tubgirl
posted by caddis at 5:15 PM on December 16, 2005

Actually, I know someone who walked into the men's restroom at his job once and saw a member of senior management at the urinal with his pants down around his ankles.

Holy shit! I think that guy lived in my freshman dorm. It was certainly an eye-opener the first time he did it (with me using the urinal next to him, even though there were others open.) Was this "senior manager" a fundamentalist Christian?

Lots of women (not including me) do that in public restrooms.

NO HOVERING! We don't need your piss all over the throne and the floor. Thank you.

Nice post, dios.
posted by mrgrimm at 5:18 PM on December 16, 2005

Actually, I know someone who walked into the men's restroom at his job once and saw a member of senior management at the urinal with his pants down around his ankles.

I believe that's what Contract Law normally refers to as an Invitation to Treat.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:13 AM on December 17, 2005

Oh, I forgot to mention (in regard to women's restrooms and the foulness thereof) that at my last place of employment there was a woman who used to go into the bathroom first thing in the morning and throw up all over a stall. Every day. And never cleaned it up. (I think she was bulimic.) It certainly provided fodder for water-cooler gossip.
posted by languagehat at 5:21 AM on December 17, 2005

I don't know, most bulimics are quite skilled at hiding their actions. Puking without cleaning up doesn't seem like a bulimic's trick; it seems more like an alcoholic's trick.
posted by caddis at 6:07 AM on December 17, 2005

Could well be. Now that I think about it, I heard she was an alcoholic. Ah, the romance of office life!
posted by languagehat at 10:02 AM on December 17, 2005