100% money-back guarantee!

January 8, 2006 9:20 AM

Guaranteed to hear the voice of God or your money back! (via Effect Measure.)
posted by docgonzo (39 comments total)

every reader who follows the steps described will hear the voice of God for themselves

A tab of acid is included in every copy.
posted by SassHat at 9:22 AM on January 8, 2006

Unfortunately, God speaks Aramaic.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:24 AM on January 8, 2006

It would be more believeable if God wrote the forward.
posted by allen.spaulding at 9:29 AM on January 8, 2006

Hey, maybe there is no cabin. Maybe it's one of them, uh, metaphorical things.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Like maybe the "cabin" is the place inside each of us created by our goodwill and teamwork.

Ohhh... nah, they said there'd be sandwiches.
posted by Krrrlson at 9:38 AM on January 8, 2006

Damn, I was expecting it to be one of those "Listen to the wind and you'll hear God", "Listen to a stream and that's God's voice" crap.

But this is better. And dumber.

Isn't the voice of God supposed to destroy all who hear it? As in Dogma? So I can start expecting Christians to explode soon because today's the book's release date?
posted by fenriq at 9:41 AM on January 8, 2006

You wanna talk to God?
posted by greensweater at 9:43 AM on January 8, 2006

It would make a better impact if God thought of this before the preacher did.
posted by Jikido at 9:44 AM on January 8, 2006

upon preview what allen.spaulding said
posted by Jikido at 9:46 AM on January 8, 2006

God told me He wasn't going to talk to the rest of you.
posted by Balisong at 9:53 AM on January 8, 2006

I once bought & read Listening to Prozac and never heard a peep out of the damn capsules. Unfortunately Peter Kramer didn't offer a money-back guarantee.
posted by alumshubby at 9:53 AM on January 8, 2006

Maybe Satan is behind this?
posted by alteredcarbon at 9:54 AM on January 8, 2006

Rev. Dale Bolton, Senior Pastor of Thornhill Vineyard Church in Ontario, Canada says “When I heard Mark’s material in the early 80’s, it quadrupled my ability to hear God’s voice, taking a lot of the guess work out.”

as measured by the Ronco Divinitometer, for only an additional $149.95 payable in three easy installments.
posted by Roger Dodger at 9:57 AM on January 8, 2006

God spoke to me once, he said I could ask one question.
I said, "What are we here on earth for?" He said "Just to clarify who's the we your talking about? Mammals? Primates? the Welsh?" "Human beings, the human race is what I was thinking." "Let me think" God said, "I estimate an average of around 71 years, more for women look for that number to rise in the near future what with medicine and sanitation and all that good stuff."
My point is talking to god is very overrated.
posted by I Foody at 10:16 AM on January 8, 2006

I am sick of stupid Christians and/or devout followers of other religions (I did not take the time to discern which cult this writer belongs to). If I wanted to hear about them I would see, for example, "the rest of society." Please stop posting this.
posted by gagglezoomer at 10:24 AM on January 8, 2006

want to hear God's voice? shut up and look around you.

"...since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." -Romans 1:19, 20

posted by quonsar at 10:26 AM on January 8, 2006

So, they couldn't get into an American college or university, and had to attend an offshore dental, I mean, real estate course, I mean ah yes, divinity school.

They really wanted to be hair dressers but, there wasn't a beauty school that would take them. Chilean Divinity School, right, does it come with little boys and lederhosen, oh sorry, that was that other Chilean Divinity School.
posted by Oyéah at 10:28 AM on January 8, 2006

Hallelujah! Aren't most of the world's problems caused by those who claim to hear the word of God?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:51 AM on January 8, 2006

it quadrupled my ability to hear God’s voice

4 x 0 = 0
posted by Joeforking at 10:54 AM on January 8, 2006

Despite my lack of faith in this area, I do have to give the guy respect for being willing to put his money where his mouth is. (Or where God's mouth is.) If it works: great. If not he doesn't get paid. Sounds like a good deal to me. I'd like it if other self help books came with the same promise.

Stop slacking, get loads of hot women, become super rich, and lose weight. Or your money back.
posted by woil at 11:21 AM on January 8, 2006

To quote the Uninvited, I talked to God and God said.......nothing special.
posted by fenriq at 11:21 AM on January 8, 2006

Maybe if God's louder, they'll go deaf sooner.
posted by Rothko at 11:36 AM on January 8, 2006

If you prefer that (S)He just leave a message, there's always the God Detector.
posted by infomaniac at 11:38 AM on January 8, 2006

I was sitting late at night, and all at once.... a distinct smell began to arise. Cloves and lavender and plastic... why, it was the smell of God!! I demand to know how you can relate to a God you cannot smell. An unsmellable God is a distant God, to which Christians cannot relate. I propose buying my book, God Stinks to High Heaven, to find the smell of God in 277 consecutive steps.
posted by malusmoriendumest at 11:41 AM on January 8, 2006

We've traced the calls, and... They're coming from inside the house!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:56 AM on January 8, 2006

Lately I have been looking into Quakerism. The groups I have been looking at sit in silence at their meetings waiting for members to be moved to speak. All are able to listen to what they call "the Light Within".

There is also a thoughtful process known as "discernment", by which people assist each other to determine what exactly is being said, and whether someone sensing a "leading" is sensing a true one.

So in a sense it's as though they believe that God (or what-have-you) speaks to everyone, if you just sit quietly and learn how to listen. Does it work? Well, look at what Quakers do in the world - are they running around harming people for the sake of their religion? Ramming it down anyone's throat?

If you ask me, what they have going sounds pretty good. I might even join (still thinking and reading about it). I even found out you can be an atheist and a Quaker at the same time. Score!
posted by beth at 12:02 PM on January 8, 2006

Does this mean Jesus gets his money back?
posted by furtive at 12:05 PM on January 8, 2006

So in a sense it's as though they believe that God (or what-have-you) speaks to everyone, if you just sit quietly and learn how to listen.

Be gone damn navel gazer! You know what we'll do with your gnostic gospels!
posted by StickyCarpet at 12:29 PM on January 8, 2006

God said to Abraham, "Kill me a son."
Abe says, "Man, you must be puttin' me on."
God say, "No." Abe say, "What?"
God say, "You can do what you want, baby, but
The next time you see me comin' you better run."
Abe says, "Where do you want this killin' done?"
God says, "Out on Highway 61."
posted by 327.ca at 12:33 PM on January 8, 2006

The groups I have been looking at sit in silence at their meetings waiting for members to be moved to speak.

And man, is it ever a painful experience if you're not a Quaker. (Maybe if you are, but I wouldn't know.) I've been to two Quaker weddings, and sitting there waiting for someone—anyone—to be "moved to speak" felt like waiting for the heat death of the universe. And you can't pass the time by looking at stained-glass windows or something, because Quaker meetinghouses are plain, plain, plain.

On topic, I used to hear God's voice in NYC all the time; he hung out on Sixth Avenue a few blocks south of the park. I kind of miss him now that I've left the city.
posted by languagehat at 12:48 PM on January 8, 2006

The point of Quaker meeting (and why I enjoy it) is not to sit and wait for someone to speak. If that happens, it's a bonus--I've always considered it a time for reflection, or meditation if you want to call it that. To take an hour out of your week and just pay attention to your own thoughts is a true luxury today.

It's wierd that people didn't speak at two Quaker weddings--they're usually a blast, and an opportunity to tell two people how much you care about them.

Quaker funerals however. . . . Actually, they can be fun too taken in the right way.
posted by bardic at 1:07 PM on January 8, 2006

Hardly anyone will ask for a refund -- who will want to admit he or she is the only one who can't hear God?
posted by brain_drain at 3:07 PM on January 8, 2006

quonsar quoting scripture?

Wow.
posted by konolia at 4:05 PM on January 8, 2006

I don't know about these books but I know plenty of people who do hear from God, including me and my family.

Not that big a deal. No big booming outdoor voices but He does know how to whisper to your heart.
posted by konolia at 4:07 PM on January 8, 2006

konolia: quonsar quoting scripture? Wow.

twice in one day, in two consecutive threads. does your head asplode now? :-)
posted by quonsar at 4:47 PM on January 8, 2006

Well, that would explain the dizzy feeling.
posted by konolia at 5:01 PM on January 8, 2006

We've traced the calls, and... They're coming from inside the house!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson

i have been chuckling to myself over that for the last 5 mins. thanks for making my day.
posted by nola at 5:50 PM on January 8, 2006

Even quonsar may quote scripture for his own purpose.
posted by hattifattener at 6:14 PM on January 8, 2006

quonsar quoting scripture?

Wow.
posted by konolia at 4:05 PM PST on January 8 [!]

I thought the same thing but was too timid to mention it...
posted by Jikido at 6:49 PM on January 8, 2006

Growing up in the country my dad would sometimes step to a tree to relieve his bladder. He would often extend an opportunity to 'meet the head of the household' or 'shake hands with the unemployed'.

It was years before I understood the references.
posted by geekyguy at 7:39 PM on January 8, 2006